Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[kennancat]

"Multiply and replenish the earth" was only commanded twice in the Bible. The first time directly to Adam and Eve (hello!!! There were no people in the world...gotta get some somehow!!) and the second time to Noah and his family (hello again!!! No people on the earth. They all drowned in the Flood!! gotta get more people somehow!!!)

I'm so glad to see someone else has the same viewpoint on this as I do. I've always thought, hmmm, that order was given when there were 2 (or Noah and family) people on the planet. At last count, there are what, five billion? Check! We can safely cross that one off the list and move on to loving our brother as ourselves, world peace, etc.

 

[plgrn]

We can safely cross that one off the list and move on to loving our brother as ourselves, world peace, etc.

Nah, it's easier to point a finger at people who don't have kids. Then they don't have to focus on the fact that they aren't loving their neighbor, etc.

 

[BettyCv]

My concern with this decision is this..Are there any medical concerns for not having children??

From what I have read, there is an increased chance of ovarian and breast cancer in women who have not given birth. I would talk to your doctor about your concerns. Maybe some of the newer birth control methods that reduce the number of periods you have a year may also decrease the cancer risk.

Of course, there is still so much not known about cancer and it's causes. Perhaps the reason women who have not given birth have a higher cancer rate is due to other factors - that may have caused infertility. In other words, are the results skewed because a sample of women who haven't given birth would include a disproportionate percentage of women with infertility issues? If they used a sample population of women who are childless by choice, would their rate of cancer be closer to that of the general population?

Betty

 

[Hixski]

From what I have read, there is an increased chance of ovarian and breast cancer in women who have not given birth. I would talk to your doctor about your concerns. Maybe some of the newer birth control methods that reduce the number of periods you have a year may also decrease the cancer risk.

Of course, there is still so much not known about cancer and it's causes. Perhaps the reason women who have not given birth have a higher cancer rate is due to other factors - that may have caused infertility. In other words, are the results skewed because a sample of women who haven't given birth would include a disproportionate percentage of women with infertility issues? If they used a sample population of women who are childless by choice, would their rate of cancer be closer to that of the general population?

Betty

Everyone should remember that there are numerous health problems relating to being pregnant too. Diabetes, high blood pressure, etc, etc.

 

[stemikger]

First let me say I feel your pain. I think you are acting as a responsible adult and are making a very mature decision. When we first got married 15 years ago, we decided not have children and I couldn't believe the comments from most of our relatives. One of them called us selfish to our face. I didn't take it too personal, because she had four kids and was in a horrible marriage and was filing bankruptcy.

Then about a year into our marriage we decided to have one child and even with that we had comments. My MIL told us that we couldn't have just one. Again, someone called us selfish. Having my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm glad I have her and her only. I couldn't be the kind of parent I am if I had more then one. I am totally happy with my decision.

Then when it came to breastfeeding a total stranger told my wife that she was WR0NG for not breastfeeding. I don't know why people can't just mind their own business.

I think you made a very honest and mature decision and as far as being selfish, I think people who have more kids then they could afford both financially and emotionally are the ones who are selfish.

I used to say that I married my wife because I loved her not because I could get her pregnant.

Sorry for being all over the place, but this is something that still cranks my gears.

 

[zima-cheryl]

The bible said go forth and multiply- yeah the bible also said Moses parted the red sea- like that really happened.

When people say that try reminding them that not all of GOD's children were meant to have children.

...And if you don't believe that just take a look at all the abused, drug/alcohol addicted, neglected, and mistreated children in our foster care system currently!

 

[Mischa]

I'm beginning to think I'm sorry for joining this thread. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive or something, but it sounds to me like we have some bashing going on.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions (no matter what the subject is!)

If someone has decided that they don't want children - who are you to tell them they are wrong? It's their decision!

In my situation we wanted children (we still do), we have tried and tried and spent $$ and more $$ to no avail. I've seen so many quacks, been poked and prodded it's not even funny! Now I'm over 40, and have found out that I have "pre-cancerous" cells in my uterus. And if the progesterone pills I am taking don't work, then I am facing a hysterectomy. Sometimes the decision not to have kids is made for us by a greater being!

We even tried adoption and I was told by one nun that because I couldn't stay home with a child I "didn't deserve to be a mother"!

So now my dh & I are trying to learn to live childfree. We have our furbabies (a dog and a cat). It's not easy, but it's something we must do. And to hear from all the "self righteous" people about 'what a mistake' or 'who will take care of you in your old age' - let me tell you I think about it all the time and I really wish that those folks who have kids knew what it was like to want a child (or want something special) and not be able to obtain that dream! Maybe then you'd understand.

I think those that made the decision NOT to have children - are not selfish or anything like that. They made the decision that was right for them! And I say good for you! Knowing what I know now - I wish we had made the decision so many years ago Not to have children (instead of wanting them and not being able to have any).

Just my 2 cents!

 

[plgrn]

TGIF! And a long weekend at that! What's everybody got planned?

We are just chilling out and trying to get caught up around the house.

 

[momomonster]

So now my dh & I are trying to learn to live childfree.

I am Cf by Choice, but I truly feel for those people who want children and cannot have them. It must be so painful for you to hear the comments people make.

I hope you can make peace with being childless and find another goal or fun activity to persue. Life can be so full without having children of your own and I hope you can see that.

Take care of yourself!

 

[maddhatir]

That would be nice, stay at home. I already got a call from SIL last night to see whats up for the weekend. She is talking about all of us (DH has 2 brothers and their wives) just hanging out at her house and partying in front of the fire (chiminea) and maybe sleeping over. We also have a concert on Sunday. Rob Zombie and Godsmack! 2 of my faves!

Tonight we might go to the school carnival and hang out in the beer garden. Little niece and nephew will be there, but they are good kids so DH and I will probably take them for a walk white SIL and BIL chill for a bit. Last year my niece wanted cotton candy- I knew she was playing me and she was not allowed to have it, so I told her no. WELL! she started getting the pouty face and knew what was coming. I told her DH and I didnt have any money and we couldnt pay for it! she stopped and just stared at us like she felt bad and went back to being normal! Boy if thats all it takes- just tell the kids you are poor!

Hopefully it wont rain- I cant tell you the last time I have seen the sun!

Picked up my Disney documents yesterday from the TA! Went to Target and got my lime green rafia and put my little bows on my mickeyheads I think I will do the rafia bows on my luggage also!

argh! went to Walmart last night to look for a spray fan thingy for Disney and OMG! The kids! Big mistake to think it might be quiet there last night- week night etc- who would have thunk it. back to school crowd! LOUD back to school crowd! Who didnt want the shoes moms picking out- who didnt want this notebook! AHHHHH!

I picked up some nice lightweight rain jackets in the sporting goods section for DH and I. I have the ponchos but they just are so bulky and confining, I feel trapped when I wear them.. These are nice b/c they are very lightweight and compact to your body-- you can actually use your arms freely! after we looked around a bit I had to say-- GET- ME- THE F*&K OUT- OF HERE! I have no patience for Walmart let alone a packed Walmart eeeek!

adios!

 

[raspberrysharpei]

Mischa, I sympathize for you & your circumstances. We are one of those couples that have chosen not to have children. And we are okay with our decision. I think the biggest thing with this topic that bothers me is those people in our world that choose to continue having children & cannot provide for those children (financially, emotionally, etc) and then we have people like yourself who would do anything to have a child, who can provide everything, and yet the scales are balanced against you.

plgrn-Ahh-the weekend. Just dropped hubby off at the airport. I'll hang out today, & try to plan our next vacation. Back to the job tomorrow......

 

[Mischa]

I am Cf by Choice, but I truly feel for those people who want children and cannot have them. It must be so painful for you to hear the comments people make.

I hope you can make peace with being childless and find another goal or fun activity to persue. Life can be so full without having children of your own and I hope you can see that.

Take care of yourself!

Thanks momomonster (cute name btw). It is painful, but I try not to take any comments to heart (sometimes it's easier than at other times). We're taking "baby" steps to make peace with being childless (unfortunately it's not something that just goes away overnight, though I wish it would-it would make life alot easier!) Especially when you feel you are "this" close to realizing your dream of becoming a mom/dad and then BAM! there is a roadblock and your dream just turned to dust. It can be hard and painful.

And yes - besides work (and making plans to go to Disney) - I have a wonderful hobby of painting and I've even gotten my dh into my arts & crafts hobby. He cuts wood out for me and I paint. One day I hope to have my own (well - our own) crafting business.

Thanks for the hugs! Take care!

hugs,

 

[Hixski]

I'm beginning to think I'm sorry for joining this thread. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive or something, but it sounds to me like we have some bashing going on.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions (no matter what the subject is!)

If someone has decided that they don't want children - who are you to tell them they are wrong? It's their decision!

In my situation we wanted children (we still do), we have tried and tried and spent $$ and more $$ to no avail. I've seen so many quacks, been poked and prodded it's not even funny! Now I'm over 40, and have found out that I have "pre-cancerous" cells in my uterus. And if the progesterone pills I am taking don't work, then I am facing a hysterectomy. Sometimes the decision not to have kids is made for us by a greater being!

We even tried adoption and I was told by one nun that because I couldn't stay home with a child I "didn't deserve to be a mother"!

So now my dh & I are trying to learn to live childfree. We have our furbabies (a dog and a cat). It's not easy, but it's something we must do. And to hear from all the "self righteous" people about 'what a mistake' or 'who will take care of you in your old age' - let me tell you I think about it all the time and I really wish that those folks who have kids knew what it was like to want a child (or want something special) and not be able to obtain that dream! Maybe then you'd understand.

I think those that made the decision NOT to have children - are not selfish or anything like that. They made the decision that was right for them! And I say good for you! Knowing what I know now - I wish we had made the decision so many years ago Not to have children (instead of wanting them and not being able to have any).

Just my 2 cents!

I feel for you/ DH and I were ones that wanted a child. But I think we were probably fencesitters though. When nothing was happening we just decided ok, no big deal. We did not do any more. I have heard of too many folks that went through what you did and said "No". I am healthy, DH is healthy so we have no idea why we didn't have children. We just decided for us that we don't care and moved on. We are now 46 and 47.

Just ignore anyone that wants to be rude. In the end it is none of their business. There will always be someone that wants to convert the childfree whether they know the circumstances or not. DH and I travel every chance we get. We snow ski, golf and snorkel any chance we get. We can go and do what we want, when we want. Take one day at a time, put on your clod repelling clothes and you will be fine.

 

[maddhatir]

My head is spinning going back and forth to the 2 childless threads- I cant remember where I was last!

 

[Hixski]

My head is spinning going back and forth to the 2 childless threads- I cant remember where I was last!

At least we have two. This is but has anyone else had endless children banging on your door to buy things. I swear I have had at least 10 or 12 in the last week alone. What is next. Are they going to want us to donate to a fund so we can buy all their school supplies for them. I already live in a high tax district for schools. Sorry I was trying to get ready for work this afternoon and ring, ring. I am not answering so ring, ring. Ok, I am in the bathroom. Then I hear our storm door open and bang, bang, bang. Hello get a clue. No one is answering. Oh no, bang, bang, bang 2 more times. My dog is barking. ARGHHH.

 

[Muushka]

At least we have two. This is but has anyone else had endless children banging on your door to buy things. I swear I have had at least 10 or 12 in the last week alone. What is next. Are they going to want us to donate to a fund so we can buy all their school supplies for them. I already live in a high tax district for schools. Sorry I was trying to get ready for work this afternoon and ring, ring. I am not answering so ring, ring. Ok, I am in the bathroom. Then I hear our storm door open and bang, bang, bang. Hello get a clue. No one is answering. Oh no, bang, bang, bang 2 more times. My dog is barking. ARGHHH.

I feel your pain!!

I remember a few years ago a child, probably about 8 years old came ringing my bell to sell something for school. I started to explain to the kid that we don't have children, but we pay a lot in taxes, which is a sort of contribution towards their school expenses. That poor child looked at me like I had 2 heads, which I admit I did, trying to explain that stuff to a little kid!

And Mischa (which sounds a lot like Muushka!), yours is a special kind of pain that no one can ever comprehend. Thank you for being so honest with all of us.

 

[Muushka]

Oh dear, I just killed another thread....and this one was 35 pages old

 

[Hixski]

Oh dear, I just killed another thread....and this one was 35 pages old

No you didn't. We will get it going again. Folks are just having fun over the holiday weekend.

 

[kennancat]

I noticed a thread on the families board about parents having to defend their choice to have only one child (I'm an only myself, so I found it interesting) but it's also interesting to me that even after they've "done their duty" and had a kid, they still get criticized because they don't have second! There's really no winning here, is there?

 

[Mischa]

Hi all!

It has been a busy weekend (at least for us anyway). Dh & I are into crafting and we took this past weekend (since it rained most of the time) to craft. (we do "snowmen for all seasons" and other crafty things).

That's funny about the the folks who only had 1 child being critized for not having more. Talk about rude! I'm an only child too (and adopted) I guess my parents never got the "3rd degree" about only having me since they were older when they adopted me.

I still think people should keep their opinions about other people's life to themselves. Like the old phrase: if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything!

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

hugs,