Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[PrincessKitty1]

i guess a SINK is better than a NINK(No Income No Kids) or better yet a NILK(No Income Lotsa Kids)

Hey, I'd love to be a SINK if we could afford it (of course, both DH and I would like to be the non-working part of the couple! ).

We were NINKs when we went back to school in our late 30s--tried to work, but our school programs were just too intense (and our middle-aged brains couldn't handle working AND school). We were very thankful for government student loans!

 

[Mischa]

Wow!! How did I miss this thread?? I know it's old; but I'm going to post my thoughts on this subject anyway. I'm sure somebody will read it.

When people ask why we don't have kids I just say that we don't want any and try to leave it at that. But I'm getting seriously tired of being asked the question.

I believe that asking me why I don't have kids and then hassling me about my choice is just as rude as if I asked you why 'you' have so many kids. That's not very nice is it?

And as to WDW being mainly for kids???...??? um...if it wasn't for the adults; there would be no kids there anyway. I'm not aware of many 2-12 year olds that can pay their own way to the world.

In summation: if you have kids and enjoy them...great!! if you have kids and are miserable...it was your choice. if you dont have kids but want them and can't have them...my heart goes out to you. if you don't have kids and don't want to have kids...you're not being selfish. do what you feel is right.

p.s. I don't want to come off as sounding anti-kid, cause I'm not. I'm just anti-being harrassed because of my choices.

I agree with you! I hate people asking and asking me about kids. In our situation - we've been married for 15 years, want kids and have tried (and spent lots of $$$$ on trying) for the past 10 years to have them and have been unsuccessful. The questions we have gotten over the past 15 years have been rude and very personal. And because they don't know what we have been going through the questions really are hurtful! I finally started answering their questions with a question: "well, now that is a very personal question. Gee, why do you want to be so nosy?" That usually shut them up. "Luckily" now that we're older people have assumed that we just don't like or want kids. To that I say "whatever!" I just love when people make assumptions about other people!

Now those folks who have kids and ask me how many kids I have they almost freak when I start "gushing" about my furbabies Muffy & Kaht. And like every proud parent I whip out my pictures of my 4-legged babies. But what's really funny - they usually don't have any pictures of their 2-legged kids. what's up with that?

And I believe Disney is for kids (we're all just big kids - right?) So Disney is for kids of ALL ages!

just my 2 cents!

 

[WDWguru]

I always liked the term THINKers - Two Healthy Incomes, No Kids

 

[BrookeFL]

my neighbor is 35 ad had her dh get a vasectomy.
she simply tells people:
I am to selfish.
We talked about it 1 time very openly (We hang out a lot, I have 1 1/2 year old triplets and a 4 year old).
She thinks I am a wonderful mother and reminds me of it all te time.
I still dont toally get it, but I guess thats because I always wanted kids. I dont NEED to get it!
Just like she doesnt NEED to get that I want 1 more child!

We respect each other.
For now on tell people the truth.
just like she does.
You LIKE your life the way it is, you dont want to share it with a kid.

If they continue just say, look I have had this conversation so many times, do we really need to talk about this?

 

[kennancat]

Okay, so random thoughts here. Last night, I started watching Dr. Phil, and it was about feuding newlywed couples on the verge of divorce. After watching the first couple rant and rave at each other, I'm thinking these two need to just get divorced and move on. I'm usually for saving the marriage, but there was so much ugliness for such a young marriage that I'm not sure it was salvageable. But of course, then they mention the kid/kids. Now, my first thought is yeah, that's going to complicate things. My second is why on earth would these people bring children into this horrible relationship?!? What the heck were they thinking? The second couple was pretty much the same way (and had kids too), so I turned the show off after that. So who else out there watches these shows and really wonders what kind of thought process these people are going through before choosing to have children?

 

[Shugardrawers]

Couples like that remind me of Chris Knight and Adrian Curry on My Fair Brady. If you have that many issues before you've even gotten engaged, WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED???? That's not love, that's sadism/masochism at it's worst!

 

[Hixski]

Okay, so random thoughts here. Last night, I started watching Dr. Phil, and it was about feuding newlywed couples on the verge of divorce. After watching the first couple rant and rave at each other, I'm thinking these two need to just get divorced and move on. I'm usually for saving the marriage, but there was so much ugliness for such a young marriage that I'm not sure it was salvageable. But of course, then they mention the kid/kids. Now, my first thought is yeah, that's going to complicate things. My second is why on earth would these people bring children into this horrible relationship?!? What the heck were they thinking? The second couple was pretty much the same way (and had kids too), so I turned the show off after that. So who else out there watches these shows and really wonders what kind of thought process these people are going through before choosing to have children?

I don't usually watch those shows. Now and again I will flip channels and watch for awhile. Some on those couples are nuts. The one thing that makes me crazy is when they say they had children thinking it would make the marriage better. They are already on the verge of divorce. Lets just add 10 times more stress by adding children to the mix. And people wonder where all these dysfunctional people come from. Imagine growing up knowing Mom and Dad had you just to save their marriage. That's some right smart thinking there folks.

 

[Shugardrawers]

That's exactly why I didn't have children with my first husband. We hadn't even left the honeymoon suite before I knew the marriage was in trouble. How could I in good conscience bring a child into that???

 

[WDWguru]

That's the thing though - most people DON'T think about it on any real level. They just follow the life script and do it because that's what you're "supposed" to do. I think that's why many are threatened by childfree people - they didn't realize they HAD a choice.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

That's the thing though - most people DON'T think about it on any real level. They just follow the life script and do it because that's what you're "supposed" to do. I think that's why many are threatened by childfree people - they didn't realize they HAD a choice.

 

[Beatles_Girl]

Shugardrawers I LOVE YOUR DOG!!! its soo cute!!!

 

[maddhatir]

That's the thing though - most people DON'T think about it on any real level. They just follow the life script and do it because that's what you're "supposed" to do. I think that's why many are threatened by childfree people - they didn't realize they HAD a choice.

ITA!!!! I Love it!

 

[kennancat]

That's the thing though - most people DON'T think about it on any real level.

I guess it's just hard for me to understand not thinking about it. I think part of it comes from the perception of an unplanned pregnancy. Even when I assumed I would have children, the idea of becoming pregnant without having planned it was catastrophic to me. As far as I was concerned, it would have been the end of everything I'd hoped for my life. I remember having a discussion with some friends of ours because I was shocked that they weren't using any birth control other than condoms. To me, that seemed so unreliable that I couldn't understand why they wouldn't use something more effective (I know, way too personal of a discussion). But to them, if they had failed, it wouldn't have been a big deal - just starting on the kids plan a little earlier than they'd expected. Of course, they're shocked now that DH and I still don't want kids, so I guess it works both ways

 

[kennancat]

The one thing that makes me crazy is when they say they had children thinking it would make the marriage better.

Oh, I was going to add that I know a couple who did this. We don't know them too well - friends of friends really. Now they've got their 2 kids, and it sounds like things are still miserable. I know that she's said that she doesn't like marriage and doesn't see getting married again if her husband passed away. He treats her poorly (comes from a very patriarchal religion that gives all the power to the husband) but she dropped out of college and hasn't had a job outside the home in years, so she's stuck. It's very sad. I rarely see them, but I'm wondering how to send subliminal messages to their daughters next time I do: "Go to college... get a degree..."

 

[PrincessKitty1]

That's the thing though - most people DON'T think about it on any real level. They just follow the life script and do it because that's what you're "supposed" to do. I think that's why many are threatened by childfree people - they didn't realize they HAD a choice.

Oh yeah, one of my co-workers used to say proudly, "If anybody ever told me I would be 25 years old with 5 kids, I would never have believed them!" Yes, all 5 of her kids just "happened"--she never married, and they have different daddies. Her business, but my point is it never occured to her to PLAN her pregnancies.

Another co-worker of mine DID plan her pregnancy in her early 30s. She and her partner had been together for 10 years, had a house, etc. and weren't really sure what to do next (her words!). Having a child seemed like the logical next step (after all, it's the societal default--MY words ). Her daughter was 3 years old when we met and, when my co-worker heard that I didn't have children, she said, "Well, DON'T HAVE ANY." She said she loved her daughter but that if she'd known how hard it was to raise a child she would never, ever have chosen to have children.

Enough about that.... I just started my new job and worked Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday for 12 hours each day, and have Thurs-Sunday off every week. It has been a blast!! DH and I have eaten out a couple of times, I went to see The Devil Wears Prada with a friend, and I went to an estate sale (they start on Thursdays and Fridays around here), found some great ephemera to sell on Amazon, and bought a beautiful vintage turquoise and enamelled pendant for myself. And still have 2 days left in the weekend. God I love my life!

 

[alisongkc]

Saw this thread and just had to comment...

I'm a 45 year old professional woman who...gasp!!!...never really wanted kids.
I joke; when someone brings a baby into a room, and all the women cluster around cooing, my response is usually, "Oh, a baby." Someone brings a puppy into the room...now that's a different story altogether. I never played with dolls as a girl, only horse models. I adore most animals. Can't imagine life without a dog and a horse in it, and in fact have one of each. But just never really wanted children. And now that I've been teaching for about 15 years at the college level I can tell you that I've done my part to help raise other folks' kids. Yes, it does take a village, and I'm part of that village. Just don't make me do it 24/7.

Does any of that make me selfish? Probably. But then at least I have always made a conscious choice about my fertility, and saved the motherhood trials for those who truly enjoy all of the sweet agony and ecstasy. I only wish that more women made the same conscious choices, rather than find themselves in places they'd rather not be. Jackie Kennedy was right, most important job most folks will ever do is raise a child. More people should probably take the job on with the commitment it - and children - deserve.

Here ends the personal testimonial.

 

[zima-cheryl]

I'm going to jump in on this thread too. We are 10yr DINK's and happy as can be. Our biggest wish is that Disney would open a 'child-free' hotel on property. I realize they couldn't do a big resort, but I think there are enough of us out here that we could fill up a hotel! How sweet...no unsupervised kids @ the pool, or in the bar, or running up & down the halls all hours of the day & night. Ahh...that would be wonderful!

 

[DanceRC28]

Personally, I can't wait to be a mommy!!! DH needs a little bit more time, but I'm working on him That being said, I have a lot of friends who have already decided that they don't want children, a decision I totally respect. My sister has also decided that she doesn't want to be a mom, and I think it's just a matter of choice. I think knowing what you want, and what you don't want are very important in life, otherwise you might end up very unhappy and resentful. We all want different things from our lives, it's what make the world go round. Don't let anyone ever make you feel that your choices are invalid or incorrect, it's your life, not theirs!

 

[D-ko]

I am in the same boat as you! I am 32 as well - been married since I was 20. We never wanted kids and still don't.

I hate to admit it, but I just lie to people now. "Not yet!" .. there is no yet - but it hurts to be ridiculed for this - I don't feel like there is anything wrong with our decision.

I have my career and I make a great living and things are just right. We love the way things have been and are and have no intention of changing it. Life is simple, calm and fufilling. I love this man more than anything on Earth.

People don't seem to understand

 

[alisongkc]

Dear Dania,

I know how hard it can be sometimes when you get the sense that someone is judging you for NOT having children. Or worse, pitying you. Me, I still struggle with the Anglo-Catholic guilt monster that says that all good people should be fruitful and multiply - or assume the mantle of perpetual selfishness.

The good news? As time goes by folks stop asking. Either they figure you really are selfish (and like you anyway...) or that you couldn't reproduce, and so don't want to bring up a 'painful' subject. In other words, eventually the problem goes away. The other thing that happens is that as you get closer to 40 is that things that seemed problematic or difficult in the past no longer have the resonance they did before.

The bad news? As you get closer to 40 you start to wonder if you made the right choice. For me it was the death of my father in my mid 30s. Since my mother died when I was 21, by the time I got to my late 30s I started to think maybe I should have at least one child because otherwise I'd have no "family." Luckily that insanity passed when the grief over my father's death receeded. I'm very glad I took Hospice's advice to not make any big decisions in the 12-18 months after he died.

And so, the best I can leave you with is that living for the good opinions of others is a dangerous path to tread. At the end of the day, it is your life you've got to lead. Do it on your terms. And then be the best aunt, or role model to the kids in your friend's and family's lives. After a while, folks end up saying, "What a shame Dania didn't have kids. She'd have made a teriffic mother." And you'll smile when you overhear them, and know that you made the best choice you could make - given your own mortal limitations.

Be good to yourself girl,

Alison