Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[lookingforward]

I did not actually believe that someone would ever step over a child for an animal, I am sure the poster who wrote that was just kidding. The love of animals is very strong but I did not take the comment literally. I used to have a schnauzer before I had a husband or kids and at the time I considered her a family member. She lived for 14 years and watched me bring home three babies, she moved to Japan with us, etc. She was the perfect dog. I would have done anything for her and I used to joke that she was my child. I would have paid thousands to extend her life, i would have given her my own blood if it would have helped. She has been gone for four years and I still cry when I see her pictures. But I know that even though I loved her with all my heart I would have helped a bleeding child before her. I understood the concept the poster was trying to get across. I hope the poster who wrote that does not get scared away from posting her opinions, thoughts and ideas. This thread had remained so open and friendly....

 

[funcinderella]

I haven't read all of these posts, but here's my two cents.

Don't assume that just because you're not a "kid person" regarding other people's children, that you wouldn't be a kid person when it came to your own children.

That's kinda me. I always knew I wanted my own children, but I'm really not that great with other people's kids. Not that I hate them or dislike them or anything like that, but I was always somewhat indifferent. You can't really extrapolate your feelings about other people's kids onto what you would feel about your own.

Of course I think Im great with my own kids. I hope they think so too!

 

[PrincessKitty]

I haven't read all of these posts, but here's my two cents.

Don't assume that just because you're not a "kid person" regarding other people's children, that you wouldn't be a kid person when it came to your own children.

It could be even worse, though, for a person who is not a "kid person" for other people's kids to assume they WOULD be a "kid person" for their own kids....and then not be a "kid person" for their own kids either! This happens way too often. As a pediatric nurse I have seen way too much of the abuse, neglect, and plain old indifference that people can perpetrate on their own children. People should listen to their own hearts about whether or not they want children, and not just do it because our biology is set up to have children.

 

[ChisJo]

She would step over a bleeding child to help a sick cat

I just had to comment on this. I don't think if anyone was put in this situation would they literally neglect a fellow human being. But, it brings to mind a story from a couple of years ago (not relating to OP).

In our city newspaper, there was an article about a women who burned her dog in scalding hot water and how the courts dealt with it. This caused a major controversy in our city and people were irate! They couldn't believe this women was allowed to ever have pets ever again. Right beside that same article was an article about a murder in the city, and on the next page was an article about a car accident death. Didn't even faze on people those deaths.

My best friend is not a kid person. She has her own charity organization to help stray animals in our city. She literally hates children - always has, always will. I really have to wonder if she would step over a bleeding child to help a cat - it's just the way she is. Put her in the situation though, she might change her mind. Some people were born to be parents, others were not. She is one of those, and so am I.

Jo

 

[julieannbabe]

Although I am not married, I already know that I am not going to have children. I know that I am too selfish have them. I enjoy MY time and MY freedom. I cannot see me pregnant - it would hamper my lifestyle. I enjoy travelling and spontaneity and my own money. I am an aunt with 8 neices and nephews, and spending time with them is seriously my form of birth control. I have 2 cats, that I can leave for hours at a time, with food and water, and they are happy. They are even happier when I get home. They never cry at 3am and they don't interrupt my sleep. They love sleeping at my feet. I change their litter once a week, not 8 times a day.
Please don't get me wrong - I love children, just not the lifestyle of a parent. I have a job that will allow me to travel the world, and that is exactly what I plan on doing. In doing so, I plan on seeing what the world has to offer. This would not make sense if a child was in the picture. I have met someone in the same profession who wants to do the same.
Additionally, in my experiences with my closest friends who have children, I cannot see me settling down like that. I don't see it as a happy time. It puts strain on their marriages, their finances and their personal freedom. Call me selfish, but it's my choice.
As for what others say to you, they don't realize how rude they are being. What if you were unable to have children, but really wanted them? How would they feel then, asking you those same questions? Is it our duty to populate an already over-populated world? I just don't understand why others need to impose in our business and our desire to want and not to want children.
If people ask me why I don't want/have children, I just tell them that it is my/our personal business. If they persist, ask them a personal question that you know they don't want to ask, just to get the message across. Asking someone about their lifestyle choice is very rude, and in doing so, cross a boundary they shouldn't cross in the first place. I know it gets to be annoying, I go through it too. I just tell people to back off, or the conversation and visit is over. But, I am quite assertive.
Good luck,
Jo

i enjoyed reading your post.

xjx

 

[Asuneda]

When people ask when you're going to have children or why you haven't had any, just burst into tears and ask them "how can you be so insensitive?" They won't know what hit them...they also won't probe any further.

 

[funcinderella]

It could be even worse, though, for a person who is not a "kid person" for other people's kids to assume they WOULD be a "kid person" for their own kids....and then not be a "kid person" for their own kids either! This happens way too often. As a pediatric nurse I have seen way too much of the abuse, neglect, and plain old indifference that people can perpetrate on their own children. People should listen to their own hearts about whether or not they want children, and not just do it because our biology is set up to have children.

Good point; it's hard for me to comprehend how people could be like that but obviously some are.I knew I wanted my own kids, and that mothering instinct kicked in immediately once they were born, just like I knew it would. I guess it takes some deep soul-searching to figure that out.

 

[my4kids]

soooo...here's my 2 cents...

You're right - you absolutely should not have kids if you are that selfish.
Kudos to you! - I see so many people that have kids (even desparately try every procedure to conceive) just because they think it fits into what they want for THEIR life. You should not have kids if you think it will make YOU complete. It is all about wanting to make that new little life complete. My S-IL tried everything to conceive her child and it is the strangest thing....she treats it like a little accessory - like a prop to make her look like a perfect mother....the kid is always dressed to a tee, but not because she enjoys doing something for the kid, but because she thinks it makes her look good. "Don't I look like a cute Mommy with this perfectly dressed child?"...meanwhile, the kid is with a Nanny almost 24-7 and can't read in second grade because noone cares enough about her to read to her.

If you are happy just loving your husband and don't have a desparate desire to love a little on too - then for God sake don't !!!

Of course....I really hate when people go and do something permanent about it at a young age.....often I see people 40 yrs old trying to reverse this because all of the sudden they realize what they have compared to others with kids is a little empty...they stop thinking about trips and work and think about who will visit them in the old age home....

 

[WDWguru]

Of course....I really hate when people go and do something permanent about it at a young age.....often I see people 40 yrs old trying to reverse this because all of the sudden they realize what they have compared to others with kids is a little empty...

Having a child at that same "young age" is just as permanent and directly impacts another life. I'd much rather regret having a tubal at 25 than having a child at 25. Also, studies have shown that the rate of reversal in people who were sterilized without having any children is almost zero. It's almost entirely those who had children and thought they were done, then changed their minds.

Don't fool yourself into thinking childfree lives are empty. Many of us volunteer with our extra time, work with children or the elderly or needy. Some devote themselves to important research and incredibly demanding jobs that contribute much to society. We pay more than our share in taxes for the good of society as a whole. However, just as not all childfree people contribute to society, not every child is a contribution to society. Ted Bundy was somebody's child, after all.

...they stop thinking about trips and work and think about who will visit them in the old age home....

Having children is no guarantee you'll be taken care of when you're old (and a selfish reason to have them, imho). My mother in law and my step mother both work in nursing homes. It's sad, but those that are visited regularly by their children are a small minority.

Sorry for the soap box moment there, but I get tired of hearing the same "reasoning" over and over again.

 

[lookingforward]

Most people who have tubal ligations do so after having children. Medical professionals hesitate and sometime refuse to do them on young childless women. Ethics do play a part, because no matter how small the percentage..there are those who regret the procedure (both with and without children) which is most likely permanent. Counseling in such an intregal part of the surgery. People do change their minds, for sure. I had one after my third child and regretted it for a few years. Now, I am relieved. Funny how time changes your perspective.

My friend was in an unhappy marriage and had her husband have a vasectomy (she had no children with him and neither wanted any). They even had some of his sperm frozen in case they changed their minds. After trying to make it work they divorced. She remarried a man with no children and was able to have one with him. Her ex remarried and was also able to have another child with what he banked. They had options, which is never a bad thing.

As far as empty lives, well, I have never met anyone childfree by choice who led an empty existence, they all seemed very happy and content.
Only those people who don't have what they want are unhappy. There is a truth to waiting too long, many of my college friends who put off motherhood (those that wanted children but waited for one reason or another) are having great difficulty in conceiving in their 40's and that is painful.

As for the nursing home issue, I have to give my opinion. The amount of elderly in nursing homes is a small percetage of their peers. Most elderly live in retirement communities or private homes. There are both sides, but having been a social worker for the elderly...MOST of them who are parents have the love and support (financial or emotional) of their children. Yes, being a parent is no quarantee for old age, but it does add a measure of support and love to most elders lives. We hear of the children who ignore their parents because those elders are usually left alone and vulnerable and thus come to our attention more often. You don't tend to hear about the loving support and attention that most of us give to our elderly parents.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Having a child at that same "young age" is just as permanent and directly impacts another life. I'd much rather regret having a tubal at 25 than having a child at 25. Also, studies have shown that the rate of reversal in people who were sterilized without having any children is almost zero. It's almost entirely those who had children and thought they were done, then changed their minds.

Don't fool yourself into thinking childfree lives are empty. Many of us volunteer with our extra time, work with children or the elderly or needy. Some devote themselves to important research and incredibly demanding jobs that contribute much to society. We pay more than our share in taxes for the good of society as a whole. However, just as not all childfree people contribute to society, not every child is a contribution to society. Ted Bundy was somebody's child, after all.



Having children is no guarantee you'll be taken care of when you're old (and a selfish reason to have them, imho). My mother in law and my step mother both work in nursing homes. It's sad, but those that are visited regularly by their children are a small minority.

Sorry for the soap box moment there, but I get tired of hearing the same "reasoning" over and over again.

I totally agree!

 

[kpk89]

I have very much enjoyed reading this thread -- not often you can read something with 2 points of view where people feel so strongly and have it not get ugly.

I'm a mom of 3, was married 5 years before the first was born, and listened to a lot of the "when ... when WHEN?" stuff. It becomes tiring. Having had 3, and considering more, I would anticipate a lot of "Why so many ??" Similar level of personal-ness and intrusiveness.

I have found that a great response for any question that you don't feel like answering is, "What an interesting question! Why do you ask?" It sorta throws people off.

Anyway, I am glad that there are people who know themselves enough to realize they don't want kids. Children are not a prerequisite for a happy and fulfilling life (well turns out they are for me, but that's me!)

 

[my4kids]

- you can tell from my member name that I am on that other side of it where I get just as disturbing questions about "why so many?'

People are constantly saying horrible things to me like "Haven't you heard of birth control?" You do know about birth control, don't you?" "I assume you are Catholic" When I announced I was having my 4th - the most popular response was "Are you crazy?" I also hear "You are done now right?" I really hate it when feel as if they need to save me from myself and "teach" me something like when they say " now listen- you can't have any more now - it's too much" I have learned that people want you to play into their criticism....they think if they said it jokingly or laughingly I will bashfully say "yeah - I guess I am crazy" I used to actually do this - and then I would feel like I betrayed my kids - because I desparately wanted each of them....now I have learned to look them square in the eye with an insulted and stern look and say " yes- I do know all about birth control - why do you ask?" or "No. I'm not crazy, when did it become socially acceptable to ask someone that?" When they say "Are you done now?" I say "That would be something that I would discuss with my husband and no anyone else."

You know whats right for you- don't worry what others think....

In regards to the comment "I rather regret a tubal ligation than a child at age 25" -- gee that is a pretty broad statement...I had an unplanned child at age 25 and, gee, i just can't imagine regretting him....especially at age 25 - I can understand regretting PREGNANCY at 16 or 18 (not a child though) but 25 - you're already an adult - get over it. I took it as "OK changing gears now - plan B is now in effect" It was definately God showing me he had a better plan for me than I did....everything was so much greater after I had him.

 

[OhDonna]

To those of us that have had 1 child, people once asked "when are you having another". "Never" I answered and they laughed as though I was joking-I wasn't. I happened to like my work. My 1 is now a 24 yr old and guess what, they don't ask anymore Now they ask if I want grandchildren.

 

[WDWguru]

In regards to the comment "I rather regret a tubal ligation than a child at age 25" -- gee that is a pretty broad statement...I had an unplanned child at age 25 and, gee, i just can't imagine regretting him....especially at age 25 - I can understand regretting PREGNANCY at 16 or 18 (not a child though) but 25 - you're already an adult - get over it. I took it as "OK changing gears now - plan B is now in effect" It was definately God showing me he had a better plan for me than I did....everything was so much greater after I had him.

My point was that if I were going to regret one or the other, it's better to regret the action than the human being and all the consequences that brings upon an innocent life.

Unfortunately, there are more than a few children born to people who regret having them. It may not be outright admitted, but based on how many children are treated as unwanted, it's a sad fact. Dear Abby did a famous column many years ago asking parents if they had it to do over again, would they have kids. Nearly three quarters said no. I find that shocking and sad. Plenty of people have children by accident or because it's the default and don't give any more thought to it that what shirt they put on that morning. And it's obvious from results that not everyone has the change of heart you did. Personally, knowing myself and my own feelings, I would not want to risk it.

My point was simply how horrible it would be for that child to be unwanted and uncared for -- for ANY child to be unwanted and uncared for. It simply shouldn't happen.

 

[taswira]

You're right - you absolutely should not have kids if you are that selfish.

 

[my4kids]

Although I am not married, I already know that I am not going to have children. I know that I am too selfish have them. I enjoy MY time and MY freedom. I cannot see me pregnant - it would hamper my lifestyle. I enjoy travelling and spontaneity and my own money.
Jo

My "selfish" comment was in direct response to the above , not to the original poster....(well it was also directed at the DISer who said her sister would step over a bleeding child to help a sick cat - yuck) .Sorry I did not make that clear - if you are reading the board in a linear view you can not tell who I was responding to.

But hey, I appreciate the faces and not the words - I think if that had been verbalized, my computer would have spontaneously combusted.

 

[taswira]

My "selfish" comment was in direct response to the above , not to the original poster.....Sorry I did not make that clear - if you are reading the board in a linear view you can not tell who I was responding to.

Yes, there had been a few posts since the one you were responding to, so I took the comment as a general one since you didn't quote anyone in that particular post. Sorry.

My overall belief: I have found that many "childless by choice" people who proclaim themselves as "selfish" because they enjoy their own time and freedom are often the ones who give their time and efforts generously to others when needed, especially as they get older. They just don't often broadcast their good deeds. I will always believe that whether a couple chooses to "raise a family" or not does not determine the state of their generosity, goodness, or badness. There are just as many "selfish" people with children as without. And as one poster implied, a person's unselfish contribution to society (if getting pregnant can be called "unselfish") might be the next Ted Bundy.

This world will always need children, but with excessive over-population on this already over-crowded planet, it is also beneficial to the world for many of us to choose to be child-free. We all have our purpose here.

 

[lookingforward]

I just read a story about a 39 year old women in Arkansas that just had her 16th natural child. And she and her husband say they are not done. WOW! She had her first at 21, so that means almost every year she has been pregnant.

 

[WillCAD]

I just read a story about a 39 year old women in Arkansas that just had her 16th natural child. And she and her husband say they are not done. WOW! She had her first at 21, so that means almost every year she has been pregnant.

They must be mighty rich to be able to afford so many kids.