Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[lookingforward]

I saw a documentary on them and they are not rich, just organized. The girls all wear the same long dresses, the boys the same uniform. The family divides up all the work and they are building, by hand, a large home with dorm like rooms for the kids. I think they are in a community or group that has as many kids as God will give them. The girls sew and clean, the boys build, etc. They have religious reasons for such a large family. It should be interesting, as time goes by, to see how the kids grow up. Will they live the same lifestyle? Will they move away? I am tired with 3 kids, I can't imagine having 13 more.

 

[grlzmom]

I certainly dont think that choosing not to have children should be equated with being "selfish". And, choosing to have them doesnt equate with being selfless.

I also think its nobodys business if/when/why and how you decide or decide not to start a family.

As a mom of SEVEN (6 beautiful daughters, one bouncy boy), I know what it is like to be tormented by family and friends about things that are really none of their business.

My dh is the only one in his family that has children. His brother by choice decided not to have them and they are extremely generous and giving to others in need (no way can you call them selfish), constantly volunteering. They are very happy with their lifestyle.
His sister has been unable to have children and I know they both get sick and tired of their friends bugging them about their choices. Their favorite reply when asked about when they are going to start a family is to tell everyone that their selfish brother and sister in law (me and dh) have already used up the 2.2 kids allotment for the whole family

 

[Kris & Steve]

Ohhhhh, nevermind...sorry

 

[gppnj]

I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

The planet's population just keeps getting exponentially larger. Meanwhile, the planet isn't getting any bigger, and our natural resources aren't getting any more abundant. If more people thought the way you did, this world would be a much better place.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

The planet's population just keeps getting exponentially larger. Meanwhile, te planet isn't getting any bigger, and our natural resources aren't getting any more abundant. If more people thought the way you did, this word would be a much better place.

I totally agree. If everyone had kids, the world would be overrun and overpopulated. If no one had kids, there would be no more population. I guess it's a wonderful thing people have different feelings on this topic. As long as those who choose to have them want them and treat them well.

 

[ChisJo]

My "selfish" comment was in direct response to the above , not to the original poster....(well it was also directed at the DISer who said her sister would step over a bleeding child to help a sick cat - yuck) .Sorry I did not make that clear - if you are reading the board in a linear view you can not tell who I was responding to.

But hey, I appreciate the faces and not the words - I think if that had been verbalized, my computer would have spontaneously combusted.

Currently, my time is divied up between my school (40+ hours per week of class), homework, 2 jobs, friends, and my huge family (8+ neices and nephews, 5 older siblings and a disabled father). When I get sleep, I literally pass out and don't wake up until that alarm is buzzing at 5:30. When I am done school (14 months!!!), I will be almost 30 and a registered nurse who plans on travelling and doing humanitarian work in third world countries. I have wanted to do this for years. I ended a relationship because of this (he didn't want to do this). Having a child in this plan doesn't really work. Therefore, my time and my money are important in accomplishing this dream. Being pregnant would definately hamper this lifestyle decision. Is it selfish? Maybe. I don't really know. I am selfish in that only I think about my time and my future, and currently, that future doesn't have children in it. I don't think it ever will....

 

[Inga]

Wow, I never thought that I would dare to enter into this conversation...but, after reading the last dozen postings, I thought, what the heck!

I come from a French-Canadian strict Roman Catholic background. My parents each have 7+ siblings, my parents had 5 children. I have 11 nieces and nephews. My DH and I (married for 13 years next June) do not have children and have made the decision at this time to remain childless (who knows, if the hormones kick in in our 40's, adoption might be an option).

I see my couple and single friends with and without kids, and I am just not convinced that having children is a guaranteed path to happiness. Some of them are overjoyed, some of them are miserable. Some of them would love to be in my position (happily married, no kids) and others can't quite understand whether our neurons are firing: "You just don't know what you are missing", "Of course you will have kids, you'll see".

My parents are relieved that we are not having children (less for them to worry about, they have enough grandkids as it is) which may sound harsh but I know it is true. So there is no pressure from that side. My DH's parents have pretty well given up on us...

There is alot of societal pressure on us...probably less now than in our 20's as most of our friends have given up and kind of see us as amusing (in a nice way), we're unique. I think the most important thing to do is take stock in your life, and decide individually what is right for you, for whatever reason. I don't like to think I am selfish to not have kids as there are SOME people who do many things, such as having kids, for reasons beyond the love of a child and could be considered selfish behaviour. Deciding to have or not have kids CAN be a selfish act, but recognizing whether you want to commit to a lifetime of being a parent before having kids and deciding that that component of life is not something you are particularily interested in, is not a selfish thing to do. It's good planning and judgement.

I would love to use the whole 'planet overpopulation' excuse, but I can't really buy that. Yes, in India and China, there are issues. But here in North America, we are going to have serious labour shortages with the Baby Boomers getting older and us Generation Xers having less than our 2.1 kids. We will not have the health human resources to manage these aging Boomers. So I can't really get on that soapbox.

I am a very happy, happily-married women, I have a dog to lather my love upon, and have a job within the health care field that I feel is meaningful to many people. I am a good person, and I love my family. Life is good! Would having a baby make it better? I don't know. Who really could predict it? It could be a disaster or the most wonderful experience in my life! Is it a risk to either take the chance or not take the chance? Absolutely. There are risks to either decision.

Ah, my two cents...

Inga

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Is anyone else looking as much forward to the holiday family get togethers in the next month or two? While I love being around my family (I have a ton of aunts, uncles, and cousins) that's when the questions really start. It's considered almost insanity if you're not popping out three kids by the time you're 21. So I'm starting my usual warm-ups of "No we've decided not to have children any time soon or maybe ever" and the "No thanks, I would rather not hold your child to see how well I handle kids" (For some reason all of my cousins pass their kids off to me thinking that I'll change my mind when they're sitting in my lap ). Oh well, maybe I'll just hang out by the dessert table and eat pie all night and then I can't even talk if my mouth is full.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Also I had one of my co-workers say the other day (as we were discussing not having children-she has two) "Some people shouldn't have kids. They know they wouldn't be good mothers." What?! This was really irritating. Just because I don't want children doesn't mean if I did have them that I wouldn't be a good mother. And I thought this was pretty funny too, another co-worker said "You really should have kids because of all of the people out there that aren't able to have children. God's giving you that gift" So I said "Basically you're saying I should have kids just because other people can't?" and she said "Yes". I gave up then. I figured I'd just keep my childless lifestyle to myself.

 

[Gillian]

I'm at that age (mid-late 30s) where my friends have varied lifestyles. I have learned that we've made and continue to make choices for different reasons and that they are all valid.

A lot of my friends have 3 kids and have been criticized for it (to their faces). And some of them want more, even though friends, family and total strangers assume "they are done." I never imagined that these comments would hurt, but they do.

I have a friend with one child who does not want any more. I'm an only child and would never want that for my family, but he's an only too and chose it for his.

It's a good topic to discuss, because unless you hear the other side(s) of the story, you can't understand how someone else feels.

Thanks for sharing all of your stories! I hope it makes me more open minded.

 

[WillCAD]

And I thought this was pretty funny too, another co-worker said "You really should have kids because of all of the people out there that aren't able to have children. God's giving you that gift" So I said "Basically you're saying I should have kids just because other people can't?" and she said "Yes". I gave up then. I figured I'd just keep my childless lifestyle to myself.

Oh, religious arguements are so much fun!

Point out to this person that "God also gave me the most precious gift of all - free will to make up my own mind about how to live my life. Just because I CAN do something doesn;t mean I SHOULD."

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Oh, religious arguements are so much fun!

Point out to this person that "God also gave me the most precious gift of all - free will to make up my own mind about how to live my life. Just because I CAN do something doesn;t mean I SHOULD."

Will, you would be so handy to have around! When in a situation like that I rarely think quickly enough to put my feelings into words like that.

 

[WillCAD]

Will, you would be so handy to have around! When in a situation like that I rarely think quickly enough to put my feelings into words like that.

Don't give it a thought, Lulu.

No matter how elequently or precisely you might express your thoughts on religious or "moral" topics, nobody ever changes their minds.

The best way is usually to just walk away instead of trying to convince anybody of anything.

 

[Vivianne]

After 19 years of marriage I'm beyond being bothered when someone asks me if we have children. I just say "no" and smile. I've never had someone say we're selfish or otherwise.

Actually, I'm surprised at some responses. I've gotten the "good for you", "I love my children but I think not having them would have been better". Perhaps, it's because they're stressed out since some of their children are in the teenage years. It's not easy to raise children in our society and I admire parents that sacrifice for their children. Especially those who choose to adopt. I know a couple that adopted three siblings from Russia that had emotional problems because their birth mother was an alcoholic and abandoned them. They were going to be placed separately but this couple agreed to take them all. The adoptive parents are great people.

 

[CJK]

Wow - thanks so much for all your responses to this thread. I bookmarked this thread a few months ago and just got around to reading (half of it so far) today! It's so thought-provoking and gives me some hope knowing that we're not alone. Dh and I are 32, married 7yrs and are still on the fence about kids. People have given up on us in general so the questions have stopped. Wouldn't they be surprised if I tell them someday that I'm pregnant! Thanks for all the insight. Everyone has the right to privacy in whatever their decisions may be!

 

[MrsTink04]

We WANT children and the "when are you going to have children?" questions irritate me. Umm...we're TRYING!!! We can't MAKE it happen!!!


My Neice-by-marriage had a little boy (oops pregnancy) and has NOTHING to do with him (neither does the father), but will not legally give him up. We all love him dearly and our lives have been brightened by his presence. With that said, I completely agree with the posters that have said it is a mature decision to know that you do not want children and to take every precaution against them. Children are certainly a blessing if they are wanted, but they should be wanted...

 

[Terk-1]

A decision whether or not to have children is completely up to you and no one else. Although I am not yet married, I know I do not wish to have children. I have nieces and nephews that I love and I enjoy being an aunt. I know several people who have decided not to have children and I respect their decisions, as much as I do those who want or have children. Not everyone is meant or wants to be a parent and I think their wishes either way should be respected. If you love one another and feel that you are happy with life being just the two of you, then good for you.

 

[ashresiren]

Hubby and I have 2 nephews that we've practically raised since childhood (we were high school sweethearts). We've decided that nephews and nieces don't really take the place of children though--can't spank them!!! =0) Seriously, though, hubby has been dying to have kids since we were 17--so I guess it just depends on the dynamics of your relationship. You shouldn't have them if you're not POSITIVE you want them--hence the 2 nephews who have invaded our Disney trips since the beginning of time. On a slightly different subject, hubby always says that people who don't like children can't be trusted. Not people who don't want kids, people who don't like kids. I tend to agree.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I have a situation (non-pregnancy related, but similarly personal) that people like to pester me about. For years I have been answering the first question, "No, and you wouldn't believe how many people are rude enough to bug me with questions about it."

That usually stops them before they start. If it doesn't, I just say jokingly, "C'mon, don't make me add you to that list!"

Only one time did a guy continue with it, and luckily there was another guy there to tell him to shut up.

 

[hauntedmansion]

Been married for 6 years. When we first got married we were asked very often. Now it's slowed down a little bit. Did you ever notice it's always people who have children who ask. My answer now is "don't drag me into your misery." I get some strange looks.