Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[taswira]

My answer now is "don't drag me into your misery." I get some strange looks.

I'll have to remember that one!

 

[2vets]

Lulu (and everyone else) -

I am almost 37, and my husband is 33.

I am a cancer survivor, had breast cancer at 33. Many younger breast cancer survivors are recommended not to get pregnant after treatment (assuming they still can - chemo can wreak havoc on your body, and some patients take drugs after chemo that puts them into early menopause), as breast cancers are often hormonally responsive. My tumor wass not, but my oncologist still said, "It would be best if you didn't have kids for a minimum of 2 years, at least 5 preferably...and you might want to think about NOT having them."

Many other young survivors I know mourned terribly, planning adoption or embryo freezing prior to treatment. I felt relief. I'll admit it - the thought that came first to my mind was, "Oh, thank God, the pressure is off me FOREVER."

I was unhappily married at the time of "the b**b", as I call it, actually filed for divorce during treatment, but I am remarried now ( 3 years later) and couldn't be happier. I love my husband so much that we have had many talks about this. The big thing is, I love him so much that I WOULD have a kid with him. It is just that the kid part isn't appealing. What is appealing is having a child with him and making everyone else so overjoyed. But that isn't good enough - unless the KID becomes appealing, I don't think it's right.

We have not decided NO, forever. No is for now. We have scheduled talks about it for after each big trip that we take, but so far, we are very happy the way we are. I predict that we will stay child-free, though if either of us has a big change of heart, you never know. My brother and SIL are pregnant with our first nephew now, so that will probably be a big help in our decision!

I am lucky, because I can shut people up with one sentence about "my oncologist" - but just remember - this is your decision and no one else's. It feels uncomfortable to answer the questions of people who just want you to share the joy they feel (without thinking that different things bring joy to different people!!), but it would feel a lot more uncomfortable to do something that deep in your heart, you are ambivilent about.

And I'll end this with a fun and unrelated story since I just told ya'll about the cancer thing and we're on a Disney board - I went to WDW during chemo for a weekend when I was feeling good. The stares I got, OMG!!! Nearly everyone who looked at me smiled or looked away immediately. The kids were kids, asked their parents what was wrong with my hair, why I was bald, all that stuff. But in the MK one day there was a grown man who literally stopped in his tracks and stared with his big ol' trap open - his kid was actually pulling on him ("dad, come ON!!!"). I smiled sweetly and asked him laughingly if he wanted to take a picture, as that would last longer!! Poor guy, he stammered..and I just told him not to worry, I was doing OK and my hair would all grow back, and why should I deny myself a trip to Disney - look at all the bald guys around!!! I do have a picture of me with Mickey from that trip - Mickey's hand on top of my scarved head - it is on my refrigerator so I remember never to whine about having a bad hair day again...

 

[Pea-n-Me]

2vets, congratulations on your cancer survival. LOL at your WDW story, I also did the Disney Cruise just after treatment ended - I had a little bit of hair growing in and was kind of but my Dis friends from that cruise put me completely at ease and were jealous I didn't have to deal with the "windblown look".

Why don't you stop by Dis Breast Cancer Survivors and say hello.

 

[2vets]

Things you didn't know existed!!! I will stop by and say hello, absolutely. I had no idea there were enough of us here to have our own forum!

Isn't that funny about your hair? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing more lovely than a woman post-chemo with very short hair...and that "Bring it on!!!!" look in their eyes!

Now that my hair is shoulder-length again, I miss my 2 cm long 'do!! You know, I met my current husband with about 1 cm of hair - he thought I was just trying to look French. I'm serious.

 

[RC Fan]

I think you will find that most if not all of us who are child-free by choice have put a great deal of thought into our decision. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone HAD to put a great deal of thought into having a baby?

 

[hmp2z]

I'm a teacher, so I always say, "Have kids?!? I've got 80 already; I don't think I could handle any more!"
I'm 29 & DH is 30, and he is, most definitely, not a fan of children in any form. I like children, in limited doses, and I like to be able to send them home to their biological parents at the end of the day Having children would put a cramp in our style in so many ways: our plans for a house, our dogs (one of whom shares my husband's antipathy for children), my volunteer work, our FREEDOM - blessed freedom!
I definitely get my fair share of children at work, and probably some other people's share, too! DH & I love going to WDW as a couple, and we don't feel silly there at all. For us, WDW is more of a romantic place, possibly since I didn't go until I was an adult, and it just epitomizes movie-quality glitter & romance to us both (hence our WDW wedding).
Cheers!
Heather W

 

[java]

Hey having kids is not for everyone and I applaud those of you that know you don't have it in you. I have four children and could not imagine life without them- I get the "are they all yours" comment. So no kids -too many kids some people are going to be judgmental no matter what you do. Live the life that makes you happy. When I see one of my children get to live their dreams...it is a happiness I can not even put into words. But again it is a happiness that I feel and I know that not all people would get joy in that manner.
A mom of many supporting wholeheartedly those that know they want none.

 

[NewYawker]

I loved reading this thread, very interesting responses. At one time I considered myself "on the fence" on the children issue then I realized that being undecided was not nearly enough commitment to raise a child. I have no regrets, I agree with some of the people here who classified themselves as being "selfish". It only means that I can't give enough of myself to do it right. You cant send it back like a trout if it isn't to your liking! This is a real to each his/her own topic.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

I'm just sad (right now) as to the fact that some poeple that don't want kids or don't try to have them, get pregnant!!! It's been months and can't seem to!!! I got married in October. I don't think I'm workin' correctly because AF hasnt been around since October. Time to visit the doctor I think...
But even people that dont want them, and they they get preg. say it's the best thing thats ever happened to them...Then you can bring them to DW

 

[PrincessKitty1]

But even people that dont want them, and they they get preg. say it's the best thing thats ever happened to them...Then you can bring them to DW

SOME people say it's the best thing that every happened to them....and SOME people sincerely regret having kids, and some people even ABUSE kids. If somebody thinks they don't want kids, I think it's very short-sighted to say "It'll be the best thing that ever happened to you" because for many people, it's not.

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

Thank you for posting this. My husband and I do not have children, and we're 40. We've been married for 14 years. Unfortunately it was bc I was considered "high risk". It absolutely blows my mind the questions we get. You're made to feel like an outcast and I many times don't want to go into the details of why we have or don't have children. I actually told one person the details after her pushing, and she went on to talk about how she knows someone with cancer that had kids, etc., etc. (as if my health issue isn't adequate enough reason). Then someone sat me down in front of a group of people gathering everyone together from the other rooms for a big "discussion". I had no idea what it was, but to my shock it was to discuss my adopting a child, unbelievable! (it was my bro's new wife at the time and thank goodness she is no more!). The questions and comments can be endless and cruel even. We're getting ready to travel again to Disney in April by ourselves. There are many times that we have brought our niece and nephew (who we are very close to and think of as our kids also), and have also gone with other family members but its just us this year and we absolutely love it! Thanks again for this post and for the venting! PS, I have to mention also that my husband and I are both 40, but no one believes our age, we both look younger and feel younger too! hehe

 

[mrsscooter]

What if you were unable to have children, but really wanted them? How would they feel then, asking you those same questions? Jo

I just love to read posts all over this board, and I know I probably really dont belong here, per say, BUT I have experienced this comment as stated above, regarding not being able to have kids and constantly being harrassed about it. It took us six looooooooong and emotionaly draining years before we were able to conceive and all I heard that entire time was "when are you going to have kids" or "shouldnt you be be starting a family by now" or "its been a year since you got married, when are you going to have a baby". I got so tired of trying to hide the fact that we could not and were trying in vain that i just blurted it out one afternoon at a baby shower for a relative and stormed out. WEll, needless to say not one person said another thing regarding that subject until I finally got pregnant. Ok, I am sorry, I didn't meant to carry on or burst out with this story, but I can totally relate and trust me, there are days when I just think to myself, what the HELL was I thinking.....................LOL

 

[DznyLvr2005]

I just love to read posts all over this board, and I know I probably really dont belong here, per say, BUT I have experienced this comment as stated above, regarding not being able to have kids and constantly being harrassed about it. It took us six looooooooong and emotionaly draining years before we were able to conceive and all I heard that entire time was "when are you going to have kids" or "shouldnt you be be starting a family by now" or "its been a year since you got married, when are you going to have a baby". I got so tired of trying to hide the fact that we could not and were trying in vain that i just blurted it out one afternoon at a baby shower for a relative and stormed out. WEll, needless to say not one person said another thing regarding that subject until I finally got pregnant. Ok, I am sorry, I didn't meant to carry on or burst out with this story, but I can totally relate and trust me, there are days when I just think to myself, what the HELL was I thinking.....................LOL

I totally understand....
People are already asking us and we only got married in October. And we're trying with no luck, but I just want to say to them "shut up, it's not that easy, Do you want to pay for my doctor bills and tell me why I'm not yet!!!" (Because I know I have a fertility problem) to those people that ask. Of course the people that do ask have tons of kids and they had no problem getting pregnant.

 

[cosmo531]

i think people with kids (aka: "breeders") give us couples without kids (aka: "happy people") a hard time about having kids because they want us to be just as miserable as they are.

 

[tinker&belle]

This was so encouraging to read because it is something I feel pressure about all the time. We have been married for almost 2.5 years. While we were engaged people were already asking, and so the night before the wedding I joked to my fiance, now husband, that when they asked when we were going to have children we should say, "Oh, the doctor says about 7 months!"

Seriously, it hasn't died down any since the time. I am a teacher and only 25, so I already feel I get my nurturing out of my system during the day and can come home to my husband, 2 cats, and quiet home in the evening.

My mother in-law asks all the time. Although I love children, I feel like it should be something I strongly desire to make my life complete whereas right now I don't feel that desire. I'm sure if it came about on accident (like oh so many beautiful, wonderful children do) it would be absolutely perfect in it's own way. Otherwise, I'm enjoying my classroom and planning my perfect first stay at WDW.

 

[Kycha]

DH(42) and I(37) have been together for 16 years, married for 9. We are still asked the question "When are you two having kids?" Most of the time by complete strangers or people we have just met. Although, my cousins wife just asked me a couple months ago. Whenever I am asked I just ignore the question and don't respond at all. This seems to work for me.

 

[jmd00ley]

My DH and I are 29 and we have been called selfish, vain, self-centered and others things that are not nice to repeat because we choose not to have children. Maybe we are selfish because we don't want our sleep disturbed at 3 AM or have to arrange our lives to accomodate that of a child. But my question is, "Wouldn't it be more selfish to have a child and feel this way than not have one?"

I always hated for people to tell me "You don't know what you are missing by not having a kid." This usually made me saying something like "You don't know what YOU are missing by having them"

When we tell people we are going to Disney, we hear things like "Why? Disney is for kids and you dont have any!"

 

[Markstudy]

i think people with kids (aka: "breeders") give us couples without kids (aka: "happy people") a hard time about having kids because they want us to be just as miserable as they are.

Yep!

I go to Disney, because I'd rather be a kid, than have a kid.

Just Married, Back from Honeymoon at Beach Club Jan 14-21 2006
(we are 41 and 42 years old) Life is simple and sweet.

Everyone needs a hobby, and if you love kids....well good for you
We've got a list of things we want to do with our lifes, and kids aren't on it

 

[rucorey]

It seems like when your the only couple without kids (8+years), everyone asks the same two questions - When are you having kids? and Why do you go to Disney without them? It's great to see we are not alone. Some people just don't get it and that's actually fine with me. I don't want to be behind them in line for the Tea Cups (we will make you throw up!) complaining about the huge, off season, 'gasp!, 15 minute wait! I find myself not recommending DW to everyone who will listen...

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Yep!

I go to Disney, because I'd rather be a kid, than have a kid.

Just Married, Back from Honeymoon at Beach Club Jan 14-21 2006
(we are 41 and 42 years old) Life is simple and sweet.

Everyone needs a hobby, and if you love kids....well good for you
We've got a list of things we want to do with our lifes, and kids aren't on it

Congratulations!! What a wonderful honeymoon you must have had at Disney!

I keep trying to think of a place I'd rather go for my 50th birthday (coming up this year), and I still keep coming up with Disney.