Married couples living separately

[krcit]

Wouldn't work for me but if other people want to pretend they're married even though they are living in separate houses that are a block away from each other, it's OK with me.

Military or living apart out of necessity for work are different stories.

And no it doesn't impact me a bit what others do, nor do I care, but this is a discussion board so we are discussing.

Why are they 'pretending' to be married if they choose to live apart? It might not be your idea of marriage but it works for them so how can you say that's they aren't really married?

 

[ironpig70]

I just gotta chime in here. Me and hubs live together and we have lived apart. Yet, we still love each other. I have my own room and he has his. The man snores loud enough to wake the dead. I also stay at my grandmas off and on to look after her. Ken and i still love each other even if we arent together all the time. It works for us.

And we never lived together till marriage either.

You hit the nail squarely on the head here.

It works for you and in the end that's all that matters.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I think we could do this, I see no problem with it. Like they said, if it works for you, that's what matters.

 

[Iforgetmypassword]

Wouldn't work for me but if other people want to pretend they're married even though they are living in separate houses that are a block away from each other, it's OK with me.

Military or living apart out of necessity for work are different stories.

And no it doesn't impact me a bit what others do, nor do I care, but this is a discussion board so we are discussing.

So, a couple is only PRETENDING to be married in this situation? When does the divorce happen?

 

[Darcy03231]

If someone wants to do it and it works for them who am I to say anything about it. DH and I sleep in separate bedrooms. We both snore and keep each other up all night. When he was sick he started sleeping in the guest room and we both found we got a much better night's sleep sleeping apart. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, but we're both definitely happier when fully rested.

There was also the summer that DH had an injury and was in a lot of pain. He was sleeping/up at all kinds of odd hours. The kids were home from school and in and out and would wake him up, etc. He ended up going to our summer house and spending about 5 months there, only coming home for Dr. appts. Everyone was much happier. I went up every weekend. Doesn't mean we're not committed to our marriage. Everyone just needs to find what works for them.

 

[NYDisGuy]

With all due respect, since when does marriage necessarily equal "true love" -- especially forever? Since the institution was created, people have married for lots of reasons, and for the vast majority of that time, "true love" was almost surely the least of them. As decades pass, even those marriages that started out based on "true love" often settle into something that is more on the order of comfortable companionship -- and there is not a darn thing wrong with that.

I'm a night-owl and my DH is an early bird. For over 20 years that has been an issue in our marriage, because we each feel stifled by having to tiptoe and be quiet in the hours when we are most productive. As an example, I'd purely love to be able to sew at 1 am like I did when I was single, but I can't, because the the sound of the machine would wake my light-sleeping husband. He likes to clean at 5 am -- I can't tell you how much I love waking to sound of a vacuum running at that hour on a Saturday. (Luckily, I'm a VERY heavy sleeper, because if I wasn't I'd surely have murdered him for that by now.)

Perhaps you should edit your original quote then. I commented based on your assertion that people who are in love but can't stand each other are lucky to be financially sound to move away so they don't get divorced. That's a ridiculous statement and I stand by everything I said. And everything you said in your last paragraph means that you are making sacrifices in marriage because you love each other which is supporting my point completely. You aren't packing your bags to move 10 minutes away because his vacuuming annoys you and you can't stand his quirks.

I don't get the defensiveness of these posts towards what i'm saying. I respect the sanctity of marriage and what it stands for. I find it completely disrespectful if people are using it as some chic idea to split a house up or live in separate households because they can't stand living together but don't want to get divorced because they are scared of the financial impact. That's called friends with benefits, it's not a marriage. And what happens if this is used as a loophole down the road for tax implications, welfare, health benefits, illegal immigrant etc. Is that OK too because they married for a different reason then everyone else?

 

[mickeyfan1]

I agree, how can you respond to someone without reading anything else in the thread? That is one of the most ill informed statements ever written.

After I posted I did read all the replies, which only served to reenforce my opinion. Again, I ask you, how long have you been married? What makes you the expert on "true love" and how does the decision by any couple as to how they best procede in their marriage affect you? If a couple decides that they can be married but live apart, what business is it of yours? A slap in the face?

 

[DLgal]

I find it completely disrespectful if people are using it as some chic idea to split a house up or live in separate households because they can't stand living together but don't want to get divorced because they are scared of the financial impact. That's called friends with benefits, it's not a marriage. And what happens if this is used as a loophole down the road for tax implications, welfare, health benefits, illegal immigrant etc. Is that OK too because they married for a different reason then everyone else?

I totally agree with this. There has to be some way to define marriage, other than the "one man, one woman" ridiculousness that appears to be the only thing our society is concerned with these days. Let anyone get married who wants to. However, in order to reap the tax benefits, insurance benefits, social assistance programs benefits, etc, there should be a very cut and dry "you must live together under the same roof for the MAJORITY of the time" rule in place. No if's, and's or but's about it. If you can't stand to live together, and live in separate homes, what makes you "married?" If people have to live apart for work, military, or other considerations, they should have to file proof of that every year in order to keep claiming they are "married."

I am under the impression that when married people realize that they can no longer live together under the same roof, it is time for a separation, followed by a divorce if they realize that living apart is more fulfilling to each of them.

The whole "it works for them" argument should not apply to an institution that has legal implications. Marriage law is just that. Law. You can't apply that kind of logic to anything else the same way.

What if I decided that "it works for me" to have 5 shots of Vodka and then get in my car and drive. I get pulled over and my LICENSE is taken away because I broke a law. But, you know, it's what works for me, so why should I be punished? What if I'm a restaurant owner with a liquor license, but I decide "it works for me" to serve alcohol to minors in MY restaurant? Should I keep my liquor license?

"It works for me" is not a valid legal argument.

 

[Disney Doll]

With out reading any other replies, I am going to say this is one of the most ill informed statements ever written. How exactly did you decide this? And how exactly is this a "slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100%"? My husband was transferred 2700 miles away from me in 2011. We lived apart until 3 weeks ago, waiting for the housing market to turn around, rather than walk away from our mortgage. What about that? We should have filed for divorce, because we all of a sudden were not committed to our marriage? What about when he was in the Air Force and stationed where I could not accompany him? Dang, missed out on my chance for divorce then, too. Many people have to live apart for all sorts of reasons. Many of them are 100% committed to their marriage. If we all listened to your reasoning, there would be a whole lot of people getting divorced, just to keep the living together all the time people from being slapped. FTR, I will be married for 37 years, how about you? How you live with your spouse has no affect on how I live with mine. Sorry if my marriage with it's separation times has caused you so much pain and suffering.

I believe the basis of the discussion is an article outlining married people who live a block or two away from each other in separate housing.

Living apart due to military deployments or necessary employment issues seems to be a different story.

 

[Disney Doll]

Why are they 'pretending' to be married if they choose to live apart? It might not be your idea of marriage but it works for them so how can you say that's they aren't really married?

Because it's a discussion board and that's my opinion.

 

[Disney Doll]

So, a couple is only PRETENDING to be married in this situation? When does the divorce happen?

I guess when they decide they tired of visiting each other at each other's houses that are 2 blocks away from each other.

Then, like other couples married by the "power vested in their officiant by the state of wherever they live" they call a lawyer and get a divorce.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I totally agree with this. There has to be some way to define marriage, other than the "one man, one woman" ridiculousness that appears to be the only thing our society is concerned with these days. Let anyone get married who wants to. However, in order to reap the tax benefits, insurance benefits, social assistance programs benefits, etc, there should be a very cut and dry "you must live together under the same roof for the MAJORITY of the time" rule in place. No if's, and's or but's about it. If you can't stand to live together, and live in separate homes, what makes you "married?" If people have to live apart for work, military, or other considerations, they should have to file proof of that every year in order to keep claiming they are "married."

I am under the impression that when married people realize that they can no longer live together under the same roof, it is time for a separation, followed by a divorce if they realize that living apart is more fulfilling to each of them.

The whole "it works for them" argument should not apply to an institution that has legal implications. Marriage law is just that. Law. You can't apply that kind of logic to anything else the same way.

What if I decided that "it works for me" to have 5 shots of Vodka and then get in my car and drive. I get pulled over and my LICENSE is taken away because I broke a law. But, you know, it's what works for me, so why should I be punished? What if I'm a restaurant owner with a liquor license, but I decide "it works for me" to serve alcohol to minors in MY restaurant? Should I keep my liquor license?

"It works for me" is not a valid legal argument.

I would much rather people that love each other find a way to stay married happily with a decision outside of the box that all the people that just stay in the house for the children.

Are the people that sleep in their bed with a spouse everynight but sleep in someone elses' bed every afternoon that much better than a couple that figured out how to keep it together and stay happy. These kind of couples have even more bills than a one house couple but still make it work.

People get married everyday for the tax breaks or insurance or whatever else. That doesn't help the sanctity of marriage. Staying married and finding a way to be happy helps the sanctity of marriage.

 

[Lintasare]

This has been asked but as far as I can tell never answered. I would love to know how another couples living arrangements affects some of the posters on this board?

You don't know those people and probably will never meet them. How does them living apart while married affect you? And why do you even care?

 

[NoSoup4U]

I agree with this. Isn it a bit pricey keeping two homes?

I would HATE wasting the money on keeping two houses up :

 

[NoSoup4U]

This has been asked but as far as I can tell never answered. I would love to know how another couples living arrangements affects some of the posters on this board?

You don't know those people and probably will never meet them. How does them living apart while married affect you? And why do you even care?

True. There's no wrong or right answer here. If living apart works, then thats great. It doesnt mean its wrong. 1.7 million couples in the US are doing this. So clearly its not such an usual thing.

 

[Iforgetmypassword]

I guess when they decide they tired of visiting each other at each other's houses that are 2 blocks away from each other.

Then, like other couples married by the "power vested in their officiant by the state of wherever they live" they call a lawyer and get a divorce.

So, let me understand this.

A couple decides to take a break. One of them moves to a place a few blocks away. According to you, they're now just pretending to be married. When did the divorce occur? They're not married any more? Because YOU don't consider them to be married now-never mind what THEY and and rest of the world thinks?

And if they choose not to divorce? Perhaps get back together? Since they were only "pretending" to be married while they were apart, should they remarry now?

THEY consider themselves to be married, but no, it's what YOU think, that matters, and YOU think they're pretending? Everyone's relationship is defined by what YOU believe?

How about the opposite: a couple that lives together, and never marries? Are they just pretending to live together, but are really married?

 

[usd2bmd]

I totally agree with this. There has to be some way to define marriage, other than the "one man, one woman" ridiculousness that appears to be the only thing our society is concerned with these days. Let anyone get married who wants to. However, in order to reap the tax benefits, insurance benefits, social assistance programs benefits, etc, there should be a very cut and dry "you must live together under the same roof for the MAJORITY of the time" rule in place. No if's, and's or but's about it. If you can't stand to live together, and live in separate homes, what makes you "married?" If people have to live apart for work, military, or other considerations, they should have to file proof of that every year in order to keep claiming they are "married."

I am under the impression that when married people realize that they can no longer live together under the same roof, it is time for a separation, followed by a divorce if they realize that living apart is more fulfilling to each of them.

The whole "it works for them" argument should not apply to an institution that has legal implications. Marriage law is just that. Law. You can't apply that kind of logic to anything else the same way.

What if I decided that "it works for me" to have 5 shots of Vodka and then get in my car and drive. I get pulled over and my LICENSE is taken away because I broke a law. But, you know, it's what works for me, so why should I be punished? What if I'm a restaurant owner with a liquor license, but I decide "it works for me" to serve alcohol to minors in MY restaurant? Should I keep my liquor license?

"It works for me" is not a valid legal argument.

Does the "law of marriage" specifically state that you must live together? I have never read it and did some quick searches but find nothing that requires you to live together.
DWI laws however state clearly that if your BAC is over a certain limit you are drunk... I believe that is the difference..

 

[NYDisGuy]

After I posted I did read all the replies, which only served to reenforce my opinion. Again, I ask you, how long have you been married? What makes you the expert on "true love" and how does the decision by any couple as to how they best procede in their marriage affect you? If a couple decides that they can be married but live apart, what business is it of yours? A slap in the face?

Why are you getting so personal? I posted my opinion on a forum. I never said I had a definition of true love but I know true love isn't living in separate houses because you can't stand your spouse's quirks but don't want to go through the financial burden of a divorce. Is that true love to you? Is that what we tell our kids to go out and find? And yes, I find it a slap in the face to make a mockery of marriage by living separately because divorce is too scary and the thought of becoming one of those "statistics" is too overwhelming. Between that and the celebrity marriages, traditions are out the window. There is no sanctity anymore, it's just the cool thing to do until you grow tired of it. And yes that bothers me because I am one that does respect marriage and what it stands for. I don't treat it as a social status or some chic lifestyle to fit in. And I won't even get into the fraud that this could lead too between government benefits and health insurance costs which affect EVERYONE.

 

[krcit]

I totally agree with this. There has to be some way to define marriage, other than the "one man, one woman" ridiculousness that appears to be the only thing our society is concerned with these days. Let anyone get married who wants to. However, in order to reap the tax benefits, insurance benefits, social assistance programs benefits, etc, there should be a very cut and dry "you must live together under the same roof for the MAJORITY of the time" rule in place. No if's, and's or but's about it. If you can't stand to live together, and live in separate homes, what makes you "married?" If people have to live apart for work, military, or other considerations, they should have to file proof of that every year in order to keep claiming they are "married."

I am under the impression that when married people realize that they can no longer live together under the same roof, it is time for a separation, followed by a divorce if they realize that living apart is more fulfilling to each of them.

The whole "it works for them" argument should not apply to an institution that has legal implications. Marriage law is just that. Law. You can't apply that kind of logic to anything else the same way.

What if I decided that "it works for me" to have 5 shots of Vodka and then get in my car and drive. I get pulled over and my LICENSE is taken away because I broke a law. But, you know, it's what works for me, so why should I be punished? What if I'm a restaurant owner with a liquor license, but I decide "it works for me" to serve alcohol to minors in MY restaurant? Should I keep my liquor license?

"It works for me" is not a valid legal argument.

Talk about apples and oranges. That argument is so ridiculous that it's funny.

 

[Disney Doll]

This has been asked but as far as I can tell never answered. I would love to know how another couples living arrangements affects some of the posters on this board?

You don't know those people and probably will never meet them. How does them living apart while married affect you? And why do you even care?

It's a discussion board....we're discussing.