Married couples living separately

[NoSoup4U]

I just heard about this, and I couldnt believe it. There are actually some married couples who live apart and are quite happy! Tell me, how is this working for a marriage? Im curious. And what about the kids?

Anyone else out there do this?

 

[htmom]

My aunt and uncle lived in different houses for all forty years of their marriage. They had no kids. He owned and operated a grocery store and she worked for an electric company as a secretary. Neither were willing to give up their jobs and they were about a hundred miles apart. She came to "his" house every weekend and they did vacation together often. He literally worked up until the day he passed. And she quit her job that last year and moved in with him for a short time. They were both very happy with the arrangement.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I assume you mean that the spouses work in different cities and not that they are maintaining separate addresses in the same town.

I don't do it, but my husband travels about 40 weeks a year for work. If he were always travelling to the same place he'd probably have an apartment there, but since he travels different places, it is a hotel.

Really, if you think about it, if one spouse travels a lot, or one is military and on active duty, then this is a similar thing and everyone knows families who do those things.

You see each other as much as you can, you stay in contact with email and skype and phone calls in between. You try to schedule it so both parents are around for special events for kids, but it is not always possible and when not the parent who is generally with the kids makes SURE they are there and making it special for their kids.

 

[lovesmurfs]

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

Katharine Hepburn

 

[erin1715]

I work at a college and this is very common for professors. Often one person will get offered a job at a university, while the other cannot find employment, so they look elsewhere for work and choose to live apart, often hours apart. Personally, I would never make that choice but to each their own.

 

[RitaZ.]

I assume you mean that the spouses work in different cities and not that they are maintaining separate addresses in the same town.

I think this is what the OP is talking about. http://miami.cbslocal.com/2013/05/13/more-couples-living-apart-after-marriage/

It's an interesting arrangement. It's not one that I would choose for myself, but if it works for other couples, then good for them.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

A couple of things Pete and Walter have said on the podcast lead me to believe that they live in separate residences. I could just be misinterpreting their comments though.

I think if it works for the couple, who is it hurting?

 

[NYDisGuy]

A couple of things Pete and Walter have said on the podcast lead me to believe that they live in separate residences. I could just be misinterpreting their comments though.

I think if it works for the couple, who is it hurting?

I'm assuming these people don't have kids, otherwise it would be hurting them. Actually, I read the article that was posted and the reason was they don't want to get rid of their apartments and they didn't want to add to the divorce rate? Then maybe they should have never gotten married to begin with. I have a hard time grasping this as marriage is about connections and unity, not about late night visits and seeing each other sparingly because you would rather be independent. I don't view this the same as a job that requires travel or the military, these people are basically living next to each other but don't want to live together? Something is off about that. Maybe i'm too old school.

 

[Poohforyou]

On days when my DH leaves the toilet seat up, dirty socks on the floor and junk all over the kitchen counter an arrangement like this looks pretty good .

 

[DLgal]

I feel like that is not a real marriage. To me, marriage is about two people joining together as one. Unity. Commitment. Sharing life. That can't really happen if you live apart voluntarily. That is called dating.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I don't know anyone who does this. I couldn't do it. BUT there were some air force reserve guys my husband worked with that were called back to ad after 9/11 and ended up staying on active duty for years. In the last two years and they are starting to get them back to reservist status and they would go home permanently and they were not used to it so many are starting to divorce. It is sad.

I couldn't do it. I love to be around my husband 90% of the time

 

[*JoGo*]

The article was about people that lived in the same town.
Having to live separate for awhile because of jobs, understandable. But to choose to maintain two households is absolutely bizarre. It sounds like they don't want the work of marriage -the daily boring stuff like cleaning, who is cooking dinner, laundry, etc. But if they maintained only one household, they could probably afford a laundry service, lawn service, housekeeper, etc.

Why marry someone you don't want to be with? The only reason I see is if they're very religious and got married so they could have sex. I guess the bible doesn't say husband and wife have to live together.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I don't know anyone who does this. I couldn't do it. BUT there were some air force reserve guys my husband worked with that were called back to ad after 9/11 and ended up staying on active duty for years. In the last two years and they are starting to get them back to reservist status and they would go home permanently and they were not used to it so many are starting to divorce. It is sad.

I couldn't do it. I love to be around my husband 90% of the time

I told my husband he is going to be a traveling encylopedia salesman when we leave the army. I won't know what to do with him up annyoing in my koolaid all the time.

As for the OP
I know several military families that have chosen to live apart. Instead of constantly uprooting their children, they have a home base and the military member comes to visit as often as possible.

I think everyone needs to do whatever is best for their relationship and if that includes living next door to each other then so be it.

 

[jenflamingo1]

I have a friend who has an aunt and uncle married 50+ years who maintain seperate houses . He goes to bed extremely early and rises pre-dawn and she doesn't . They have an arrangement that works for them.





On a different note , there are social security implications as well . When my husband died 3 years ago , I went to the Social security office ... the second question the interviewer asked was "Were you living together at the time of death ?" There is an impact on benefits if you were not.

 

[wiigirl]

On days when my DH leaves the toilet seat up, dirty socks on the floor and junk all over the kitchen counter an arrangement like this looks pretty good .

 

[firecracker725]

I work at a college and this is very common for professors. Often one person will get offered a job at a university, while the other cannot find employment, so they look elsewhere for work and choose to live apart, often hours apart. Personally, I would never make that choice but to each their own.

Especially with the so-called "two-body problem" where both are professors and can't find jobs at the same institution. I've known that to happen to several couples.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that whatever works for the members of the family is fine. I'm not convinced that this hurts kids really. Living in one household would be ideal of course but I think that the couple having a good relationship is what's really important.

 

[NaLisa]

It's not something I would ever want to do, but if if works for both of the people in the marriage and they're happy with the living arrangements, more power to them, I guess.

One couple mentioned in the article does have a child, and they continue to live apart. Sometime the child is with just the mother, sometime with just the father, and sometimes both. The woman said the arrangement helps them avoid the "business of marriage."

Another couple ended up moving in together for financial reasons. They split the apartment down the middle, his and hers, with the kitchen "neutral ground."

I get the impression that a lot of these people are just so set in their ways that they wouldn't do well living with another person. Granted, it's not always easy, but for the most part I appreciate sharing a home and daily life with my spouse.

 

[willowsnn3]

I have a friend that lives way up north & her dh was/is from the south. He retired a couple years ago & bought a fixer upper down south & he spends his winters there working on the place but goes back north when the weather warms up.

 

[TheAviator]

About 90% of the married couples I know don't have separate physical addresses but more or less live separate lives. Most I think stick together for the kids or out of sheer laziness to do anything about it. I can count on a single hand the married couples I know that are really happy. The rest are pretending more or less. I have one married friend who tells me how miserable she is, although her husband is a good guy, they are just not compatible and live almost totally separate lives. And oddly enough she says ALL of her friends are in the exact same boat, some worse than others, some literally only scream at each other, some are cordial but are barely making it etc.