Married couples living separately

[TinkerBelled]

To me, marriage is a commitment to love, honor and be faithful to one another. That can be done in separate households.

Marriage and living together aren't mutually exclusive IMO.

I absolutely agree with this. I hate not living with my husband, which I've had to do on occasion due to work, but I don't think that living together is what makes us married.

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter have adjoining apartments. How is that different, really, than having separate bedrooms? It's as silly to me as saying that just because you sleep apart you aren't really in a marriage.

Marriage means different things to different people, and as long as they're honoring their spouse's expectations, I really don't think it matters what arrangement they have.

 

[SpecialK]

Read what I wrote earlier. I have no issue with it being because it's military or work related. Even if it's in the same home. But when people claim that they can't stand their spouse but don't want to add to the divorce rate so they live in separate homes, that's my issue and what I wrote above. And that's not true love by any means.

Nowhere in the referenced article did anyone assert that they couldn't stand their spouse and therefore had to live separately. I think they're just people with a strong sense of autonomy who need their own space. It's an element of their personalities rather than a statement about their marriages.

 

[superme80]

I honestly couldn't do it. But having my own wing of the house would be nice! A bedroom all in pink with a matching office and living room. Yeah THAT would be nice!

 

[Handbag Lady]

I like my husband too much and I would miss him, so it wouldn't work for me at all.

I wouldn't begrudge anyone else if it works for them, though. I can totally see it with a second marriage for both if they each have kids, for example. It would make the family blending go a bit smoother, I think, if they had time living separate for a few years.

And old people, too. If my mom got married again, I can't see her moving from the house she first bought in 1971. It is part of her.

 

[NaLisa]

It's not true love. There is an attachment missing in this that prevents it from being true love, especially if you are in two different homes. I couldn't imagine being intimate with my spouse then saying "see ya later" and going home. Just because it works doesn't mean they are truly in love, that's a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time.

How in the world is it "a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time?" It doesn't affect you or have any bearing on your marriage and living arrangement, so why are you so bothered by it? And why do you get to define "true love?"

It sounds like several of these people spend their weekends together, so it's quite possible when (and if) they're intimate they spend the night together in one home or the other. And even if one does say "see ya later" and goes home, if both of them are fine with that, what does it matter? And none of them said they couldn't stand their spouse; just that they both preferred each having their own home.

Maybe one of them snores and the other sleeps lightly, or one has a beloved cat and the other is allergic, or one is a slob and the other is a neat freak. Whatever. Living apart works for them and there's no law that says they have to reside in the same household.

 

[RitaZ.]

It's not true love. There is an attachment missing in this that prevents it from being true love, especially if you are in two different homes. I couldn't imagine being intimate with my spouse then saying "see ya later" and going home. Just because it works doesn't mean they are truly in love, that's a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time.

Speak for yourself. I fail to see how others choose to live would impact your commitment with your spouse.

I have been happily married for almost 25 years, have lived all that time with DH and I'm not offended by how other married couples choose to live nor do I feel that my way is the right way. There is more than one way to make a marriage work.

 

[POPCITY]

I love DH dearly, and truly enjoy spending time with him, but if we could afford it, I would live apart from him.

 

[FLCyndi]

It's not true love. There is an attachment missing in this that prevents it from being true love, especially if you are in two different homes. I couldn't imagine being intimate with my spouse then saying "see ya later" and going home. Just because it works doesn't mean they are truly in love, that's a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time.

Because everyone is different "true love" is what the couple believes it is. Everyone does not fit into the same box or way of life.

 

[usd2bmd]

I can totally see this working for some people. Bravo for them... I don't see it as a slap in the face to anyone... What they do doesn't ( or shouldn't) affect anyone else's marriage.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wouldn't work for me but if other people want to pretend they're married even though they are living in separate houses that are a block away from each other, it's OK with me.

Military or living apart out of necessity for work are different stories.

And no it doesn't impact me a bit what others do, nor do I care, but this is a discussion board so we are discussing.

 

[Suzanne033]

My husband currently lives halfway across the country and has for the past year. He will be there for one more year. He got an AMAZING job opportunity that we just couldn't refuse.

We bide the time by texting, Skyping and calling many times a day. Since he moved away he has been home once, we have been down there once and we met in the middle once. We are also meeting in Disney next month!!

The best part is his paycheck goes directly to my checking account and I send him an allowance. Just kidding, I am not going to lie and say it's easy but given the numerous technology options it isn't as bad as I expected it would be.

 

[Janepod]

It's not true love. There is an attachment missing in this that prevents it from being true love, especially if you are in two different homes. I couldn't imagine being intimate with my spouse then saying "see ya later" and going home. Just because it works doesn't mean they are truly in love, that's a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time.

My husband and I didn't move in together until we were married. Does that mean we weren't "truly in love" all the years we were dating and engaged?

And as others have asked, how does what other couples do in their relationships have any bearing on you and your spouse? A slap in the face, really?

 

[Kennywife]

I just gotta chime in here. Me and hubs live together and we have lived apart. Yet, we still love each other. I have my own room and he has his. The man snores loud enough to wake the dead. I also stay at my grandmas off and on to look after her. Ken and i still love each other even if we arent together all the time. It works for us.

And we never lived together till marriage either.

 

[Sugardimples]

It's not true love. There is an attachment missing in this that prevents it from being true love, especially if you are in two different homes. I couldn't imagine being intimate with my spouse then saying "see ya later" and going home. Just because it works doesn't mean they are truly in love, that's a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time.

Relationships come in many different shapes and sizes. There is no "one size fits all". Just because you can't imagine it doesn't make it a bad thing. And I will never understand how someone else's relationship is capable of being a "slap in the face" to someone else's. Living in two different houses in no way means that two people are not committed to each other. It just means that they live in two separate houses.

 

[NYDisGuy]

My husband and I didn't move in together until we were married. Does that mean we weren't "truly in love" all the years we were dating and engaged?

And as others have asked, how does what other couples do in their relationships have any bearing on you and your spouse? A slap in the face, really?

Gotta love how people put words in your mouth on this site. Perhaps read my original comments before you lash out at me for something I didn't say.

"Many marriages of people who still like or even love one another but who just cannot stand living together break up for that reason. These people are lucky enough to have the means to overcome that problem without having to divorce and give up the emotional connection/support aspect of marriage (not to mention the financial and legal advantages.)"

This is the quote I responded too. Unless you couldn't stand to live with your fiance before you got married, then I wasn't talking about you. My opinion is this isn't true love, isn't this a forum? Can you prove i'm wrong that this isn't true love? People that can't stand living with each other so in order to not get divorced they move apart. The article stated that they didn't want to become a "statistic". I believe that's called separating in marriage terms but to each their own.

Again, I don't have a problem with the LAT lifestyle, if it makes you happy that's great. I have an issue with the people who live apart but stay married because they can't stand living with each other but they don't want to be a statistic. Yeah, that is immature and I find it to be disrespectful to people who work at their relationships and are committed to their partner. And not because they don't want to become a number in some study.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I could never do this. It would not feel right to me at all--and I would HATE wasting the money on keeping two houses up
But I don't really care if anyone else does it.

I do have to wonder how this becoming a trend will impact investigations into marriages between Americans and non Americans that the immigration department suspects are only marrying to help one gain citizenship? Isn't a big part of that "proving" that you really live together as husband and wife?

I think this is what the OP is talking about. http://miami.cbslocal.com/2013/05/13/more-couples-living-apart-after-marriage/

It's an interesting arrangement. It's not one that I would choose for myself, but if it works for other couples, then good for them.

Thanks

I don't think the article was really geared toward people like the professors some are describing...I think they were talking about people who could live together, but don't want to ~ people who are set in their ways and don't want to change.

For me personally, working through disagreements and differences together is part of the joy of marriage - not that it's always fun, but we are closer to each other in the end.

Wasn't there a poll not too long ago about how happy people were in their marriages? If most people are unhappy I think that is really sad. I truly adore my husband and being married to him.

Me too You put that so well

If you think this is odd then I have one better guy I worked with lived with his ex wife. They divorced and do to the housing crash couldn't sell their house so they live together. He had a girl friend and her a boy friend.



As to the OP's question myself and wife might as well live in separate houses. I went to work nights 2 months ago and she is on days. I am home while she works. I'll she her for about 2 hours on any day I work.

My parents are similar. They did not want to see their house (they love it and it would be a big loss right now) but neither could afford to buy out the other. They actually switch out who lives in it every year or two and the other moves to an apartment. Meanwhile my mom and her boyfriend work for my dad. "It's complicated" is just the tip of the iceberg in describing them

 

[JosieCat]

Personally, I do not find other people's living arrangements to be disrespectful of my own relationship, nor do I think people finding ways that work for THEM to be "a slap in the face" to those who live more traditionally.

What anyone else in their relationship does impacts me and my marriage not one iota. And, I'm perfectly okay with it being none of my beeswax.

 

[ILUVALASKA]

This will be my situation in one year. I am accepting a position in China since it is very difficult to find a job here in your mid 50s. This is not my first choice, but it is a very high paying position. I feel my options are nill here. My husband will stay in the states as there is no way I am taking my dogs to China. We will live apart for 5-6 years, and then I will come home and retire . Our son is in college. I will be home on school vacations. Luckily I am very adventurous or I would be nervous going alone.

 

[NotUrsula]

I guess we have different definitions of true love then. It's certainly not true love if they can't stand living with each other. This seems like more of a friends with benefits scenario than marriage.

With all due respect, since when does marriage necessarily equal "true love" -- especially forever? Since the institution was created, people have married for lots of reasons, and for the vast majority of that time, "true love" was almost surely the least of them. As decades pass, even those marriages that started out based on "true love" often settle into something that is more on the order of comfortable companionship -- and there is not a darn thing wrong with that.

I'm a night-owl and my DH is an early bird. For over 20 years that has been an issue in our marriage, because we each feel stifled by having to tiptoe and be quiet in the hours when we are most productive. As an example, I'd purely love to be able to sew at 1 am like I did when I was single, but I can't, because the the sound of the machine would wake my light-sleeping husband. He likes to clean at 5 am -- I can't tell you how much I love waking to sound of a vacuum running at that hour on a Saturday. (Luckily, I'm a VERY heavy sleeper, because if I wasn't I'd surely have murdered him for that by now.)

 

[mickeyfan1]

It's not true love. There is an attachment missing in this that prevents it from being true love, especially if you are in two different homes. I couldn't imagine being intimate with my spouse then saying "see ya later" and going home. Just because it works doesn't mean they are truly in love, that's a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time.

With out reading any other replies, I am going to say this is one of the most ill informed statements ever written. How exactly did you decide this? And how exactly is this a "slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100%"? My husband was transferred 2700 miles away from me in 2011. We lived apart until 3 weeks ago, waiting for the housing market to turn around, rather than walk away from our mortgage. What about that? We should have filed for divorce, because we all of a sudden were not committed to our marriage? What about when he was in the Air Force and stationed where I could not accompany him? Dang, missed out on my chance for divorce then, too. Many people have to live apart for all sorts of reasons. Many of them are 100% committed to their marriage. If we all listened to your reasoning, there would be a whole lot of people getting divorced, just to keep the living together all the time people from being slapped. FTR, I will be married for 37 years, how about you? How you live with your spouse has no affect on how I live with mine. Sorry if my marriage with it's separation times has caused you so much pain and suffering.