MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[LoveMyDisneyCats]

My DH keeps teasing the reason the parents are wanting to marry her off so young is because they can't afford her anymore.

 

[eh24fan]

A lil background information:


Since I am paying for this and that....then this is what "I" am doing. Then go with what we can afford.

OR

Just write them a check for the amount we are willing to spend and say that is all we can do.


WWYD?

I haven't read any other responses, but IMO, as a 30yr old woman...these people are NUTS!

With that said, I would give them those options and say pick one. It is absolutely insane that they would expect to be able to dictate where, when, what, etc AND expect that you will pay for it.

 

[pixie921]

So really, is she going to expect your son to work all day and then come home and do everything around the house?? Does this girl think she's going to sit around on her "throne" and be waited on hand and foot??

My son is 16 and has had a few girlfriends. One of them (thank goodness she's an ex-girlfriend now) kept talking to him about "when we get married". He has another girl who he's been with off and on and who we ADORE (and love her family, too), but they're just friends at this point in time. My point is, my son is almost an adult and we're approaching this stage (dealing with girls and their families), and I can feel myself just burning up for you, thinking what would be going through my head if it were MY son dealing with this girl!!

No advice other than the great advice others have given you. Stand firm, love and support your son, and see how things play out over the next year and a half.

 

[dizkids]

OMG. She graduates this year and will wait til 2012 to go to college. By then she can have a 3 year old and never get to college.

I would try your best with helping your son see that it seems like they need to talk about a lot of stuff other than a wedding which is not a marriage. Still lots of luck to you.

 

[disykat]

It time we, as his parents, just set everyone down and put it all out on the table.

I know you probably agree with me on this point, but this doesn't sound like a couple who are ready to get married. Your role as a parent of a married man should be purely supportive, not disciplinary or having to straighten them out. Your son should be the adult in charge of this issue.

My biggest inlaw issue was that his parents tried to stay involved in a parental mode in our decisions. (Famous quote from FIL, "I have things to teach you!") It took a while for dh to be able to man up and tell them to butt out, but he did and things are better.

If anything, I'd be inclined to lay it out to your son and tell him you expect him, as a soon to be married man, to talk this over with his soon to be wife and take care of it. Actually I think taking our advice and just offering to pay x amount towards .... or handing them a check would help you really stay out of it.

I don't envy you. You've got a rough road. A son who will be married, but who sounds like he still NEEDS your guidance. It goes against everything I believe about marriage.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Originally I was not totally taken back by the comment that she was not going to work. No flames, please. But my DH and I had the same arrangement when we got married. Don’t get me wrong, if we needed me to work I would. But he is the financial provider and I am the homemaker. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for us. We are happy with the way things are. HOWEVER, to hear that she doesn’t do dishes, cook, makes me wonder what her contribution to this marriage would be. My DH works very hard, and has a side job. When he comes home it is my job, but more so my pleasure to take care of him. I cook the meals, I clean up and while I truly appreciate when he helps me out, it is unnecessary as that is the job I wanted and am happy to have. Again, it comes back to what I said before, pre-marital counseling will help to make many things clear, like what will their roles and responsibilities in marriage be. I can’t imagine a man working all day and coming home and doing all the household cores and not get resentful very quickly. I also worry how she will be as a mother.

However, I myself was a bit of a princess when I got married, but there’s nothing like a baby to make you realize real quickly that you are not one! I myself was happy to step into the role of wife and in a short time mom and happy to give up that way of thinking. There is no job I can imagine more rewarding than being a wife and mom. I hope for her sake and that of your sons that she finds this to be true. Really if she isn’t willing to contribute in some ways then it won’t be a marriage. Like you said, a marriage is 50/50, but you have to be willing to do 75% when your partner is having a hard time and can only put in 25% or visa versa. For him to be putting in 100% all the time will burn him out.

Best of luck, I hope he does read this and gets him thinking what he wants out of marriage. I don’t doubt he loves her, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.

 

[LaceyLace]

I was a princess/diva when I first married. And I married young. I had no idea how to cook, how to clean, how to do laundry (I just threw everything in together and turned it on). These things I just learned over time and through many many mistakes. I can still remember the first time I was expected to touch raw chicken. OMG! I had to call my mother over! I'm not kidding!

Twenty-two years and 3 kids later, I am still married to the same man. I run a very orderly and clean household. My kids are now all teenagers and they have turned out to be fun, responsible, and wonderful young adults.

I'm still princess-y. Who doesn't love to be pampered every now and then? But I've definitely matured over the years and have learned that others' needs come first many times over my own.

This girl may "grow up" but perhaps she won't. Hard to tell. But I wouldn't totally throw her under the bus. She's still very very young. Get her out from under her parents, and she may very well begin to mature.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

before you pay a dime, insist the bride and groom go toi pre-marriage counseling. trust me!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Just a few words of encoragement. I'm a little embarrased to say it, but since no one here knows me. I was a bit of a "princess" when I married my DH at 19. I had quite a "princess" attitude - child of divorce, never heard the word "no", etc. Nobody thought we would make it. I grew up real quick after I had my first baby. 19 years later, we are still going strong and have a deep, mutual love and respect for each other.

I didn't see this till after I posted saying the same thing. Don't be embarassed. We got over that way of thinking, you should be proud, I am. I can't help the way I was raised (also divorced parents, but then I was given to my grandparents, they are wonderful and I am grateful for them, but I never had to do anything.) I spent the first months of my marriage calling to find out everything from how to do laundry to how to make all the yummy foods I was raised on. 15 years later I am a great cook if I do say so myself and run a nice household. It is great to know I have grown in a positive way, and I bet you feel that way too!

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

http://weddings.about.com/library/blbudgetworksheet.htm

here is a wedding budget worksheet.

Make copies.

Have a meeting with the bride/groom ONLY. Sit them apart from each other. Ask them to fill it out -- what is a REASONABLE cost for each item.

Then compare.......they will see how far off they are from each other.

Go from there........

 

[Sandy321]

And another thought...I would not sign any of the contracts...i.e.e the cake, photographer, hall, caterer, floral, etc. The in-laws want the party. Let them sign the contracts.

If you do get stuck doing this, make sure you know exactly what the penalties are for the cancellation, as well as how much money you will be forfeiting.

If I were you, I would even have a heart-to-heart with your son about the responsibilities of these kinds of contracts.

If that wedding gets cancelled...you want to be able to recoup some the downpayments...especially if the money is yours.

This bears repeating!

My son is getting married in 6 days - he's 24, and that's too young, but dh and I got married young too - 27 years and going strong. We always tell them its not about the wedding, its about the marriage! One day to celebrate - etc..

Please, please go to theknot.com go to the Planning and Etiquette board and post this - first, know you will get some angry responses that they would dare put you in this position - The women on the knot are also young - and opionated - and its their opinion that the Bride and Groom should have a wedding that THEY pay for - NOT their parents -

so after you get responses, print them out and read them to your son!

YOU DO NOT PAY FOR THEIR WEDDING! You may offer to pay, or offer to help with a band, which you did, her and her parents said NO - wash your hands, and walk away. Let your son know you will support him emotionally, but not financially, this is ONE DAY - they need to have a plan for their life!

You are under NO obligation, this is the year 2009, NOT 1809, or 1909... sheesh!

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I only quoted part of your last post because this definitely stood out to me. Is this girl really ready for marriage? It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.

She doesn't cook or do dishes? How are they going to eat? Is your DS expected to work full time & then cook & clean? (that doesn't sound right because people do it all the time, so I hope everyone get's my "jist")

If she's not going to work & doesn't cook or do dishes (I'm assuming she won't clean) what is she going to do all day? Will she be going to school?

There are sooooooo many red flags with this situation. I'm sorry, it almost sounds like an unbelievable tale (which I'm sure it's not, but wish it was).

does she do poopy diapers? does she get up with sick kids in the night? I'd be asking her this....SOON!

 

[faindrops27]

Ok, I have read no replies. But, I thought traditionally. The bride, and her parents take care of all of the wedding expenses??

I have seen when couples choose to split the cost between themselves, taking the burden off of the brides parents. But, I have never heard of the grooms parents paying, especially for the hall?

Is this standard now?

 

[DWGal210]

I am thinking about you, OP, and praying that everything works out!

After I read your post, I do feel sorry in a way for your future DIL. Now, I know she's almost an adult but this is how she was raised - I'm the princess, it's all about me, etc. I'm not defending her actions, but I do feel bad for kids like her - the parents are just setting them up for failure down the road because for the first 18+ years of their life, the world revolves around them, and then they go into the real world and get a harsh awakening.

I am also in agreement with other posters; I would A) have a frank discussion with everyone about what you will contribute, and B) Wait to write the check until it's closer to the date.

I wish your son and his fiancee happiness and I do hope it works out, but it sounds like their marriage is starting off on a bad foot.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

He is living with them, not you, let them pay for the wedding. He is an adult, not living in your household, why do they expect you to pay. This is not old times. Just my 2 cents. If they are old enough to live together, they are old enough to pay.. or like I said, her family pays.. not you. I sound cold but that is how I look at it & that is how I would do it.

 

[estherhead]

Heya! I know you from Royal Carriage! Our savior.

I've been involved with a lot of weddings. And the budget is always the biggest issue. As a wedding coordinator it is very simple. What is the amount the couple has access to? It isn't about who will pay for what. It is about how much will be provided from each party.

For example, I just did a wedding where the grandparents helped & both sets of parents. They got confirmation from everyone what money would be coming in and when the funds would be available.

That's it. There was nothing else. You can't squeeze more juice than is available.

And as for hurt feelings, I've never ever ever been involved with a single wedding where there weren't hurt feelings. It will happen. And I also have never been involved with a wedding where the bride didn't grow up a bit in the process. And didn't have to give up something she really wanted.

So my advice is that you & dh get together and are honest about how much you really can (or want to) pay without breaking the bank. Have a family meeting and tell them. Here's what we can give you. If there are tears, too bad so sad. Get up and leave. They'll want the money you offer & they'll take it.

You may be better off calling wedding coordinators and seeing how much the cost in your area and then spending your money on that. Let the wedding coordinator ask what the budget is and laugh in their faces when they say what they want for that amount of cash.

Also, I've never heard of a wedding being broken into ceremony/reception between families. The reception is WAY more expensive than the ceremony so it is a silly way to break it up.

One of the weddings I did the couple lost access to some funds halfway through the process. I sat them down and said, "Here is how you can shave $1500.00 off the whole thing," and gave them options of what they could lose. The bride started crying & said, "All those things are so important," to which I replied, "The only thing you need to have a wedding is a bride, a groom, and an officiant." They made the tough calls & shaved off $1200 of "important" things and put in $300.00 more of their own money.

Don't be suckered. They may need money later on on things you would prefer to help them with, so only give what you are willing (and won't be bitter) to give.

 

[jlima]

After I read your post, I do feel sorry in a way for your future DIL. Now, I know she's almost an adult but this is how she was raised.

This couple need some kind of counseling, ASAP.

What did this girl think was going to happen if she told the adults in her life that she doesn't cook and doesn't do dishes?

My DH's mom died before I met her. I met his aunt, his mom 's sister, one time before she passed away. It was a family get-together and after I got there and DH introduced me to everybody, I went in the kitchen and asked if I could help. His aunt handed me a bag of potatoes and a paring knife and I got busy peeling. At the next family get-together DH's cousins kept coming up to me and saying, We're so glad he found somebody like you! Evidently all it took to impress his family was peeling potatoes.

 

[dopeyfanatic]

OP, I get what you're saying about the Hall and such. I think if they want something else they get only the value of what it would cost you to pay for the original places you offered knowing that's what you could afford. To be honest, if it was my son, I would say they get nothing right now. They're not thinking things through and I can't afford to spend money without it being thought out. They need counseling, and your son needs a wake up call. Fdil need to quit acting like a princess. There is NO reason for her to put off college for THREE years. She'll have a baby in that time and conveniently never go. Not that she has to go, don't make her feel like that's what you're saying. But if she's not going to college, she needs a job. I got married at 19. I was a few months shy of 20. We got pregnant on our honeymoon, and I was on birth control. It was NOT planned AT ALL. It was a huge shock, and it's a big financial thing to have a baby. We've been married 10 years this October and things have always been fine, but they haven't been as good as if we had been able to wait a couple years. And, we had been dating for nearly 5 years when we got married. However, even though my parents had the money, I didn't go crazy on my wedding. The whole thing was maybe $5000, and that included the my attire, honeymoon, ALL the attendants clothing (dresses, tuxedos, shoes...), the decorations, the food, photography....EVERYTHING. I am so glad I didn't go over board. It is a big day, but I don't think that one day should affect the rest of your life financially (or anyone else's) after that day is over. I wouldn't give money if you don't feel comfortable with their relationship. And honestly, from what you've said, there's nothing to be comfortable with. Oh, and about your son moving in with you...I don't think the poster meant for BOTH of them to move in with you, just your son. He can still go visit her, but at least he's not paying $200/rent. Good luck!!

 

[Chris]

Personally, I'd choose to write a check for what I could afford and give it to DS (not FMIL or DF). Let him know that he and the ladies can spend it on whatever they want but that this is all that they will be getting from you. There is no reason that you should go into debt to furnish your future DIL with a dream wedding.

Someone here needs to be the voice of reason and it sounds as if you've been elected to that position by default.

This is exactly what I would do also.

Best of luck to you!!!

 

[kgle]

ohhh how I wish it was a tale!

No she doesn't cook...nor does her mom....something they proudly announce...lol He has worked since he was 16 and was employed by this company the day after he turned 18. He works first shift, comes home and cook/does the dishes. She does everything else except laundry because she was never taught (she will tell you this) and to her washing laundry is just putting all of clothes in the washer and turning it on. No sorting, pre-treating, etc.

I've always had my kids (boys and girls) out in the kitchen helping me cook since they were old enough to stand on a chair safely and stir a cake mix. As for all household chores, everyone has to pitch in. We are a large family with two working parents so everyone has to help. I've offered to teach her but she doesn't want to come over to learn. Luckily, my son is a killer cook and makes awesome desserts. That's one thing I really miss...his pumpkin pies are out of this world!

From what they have shared. She is going to graduate high school this year, but not planning on going to college until 2012. She wants to take some time off before starting college. Don't ask me all I know is this is the plan.

She's a kid...someone was right earlier when they said she should be focusing on Prom and graduation not a wedding. My DH keeps teasing the reason the parents are wanting to marry her off so young is because they can't afford her anymore.

Is it okay that I am thanking my lucky stars that I have a boy right now (well sorta...)?

Graduating this year and actually planning on taking off 3 more years of school? She won't go back...I said the same thing...graduated in '02, said I would take a year off, I didn't go back to school until May of last year and the only reason? Because I am a single parent still living at home!

I really wish you luck. You are a lot calmer than I would be if this was my son involved! I would have wrung her neck already! I also would have told her parents that I didn't agree with the wedding, therefore I would not be contributing.

I was supposed to get married October 2007...my mom decided to "donate" money for the wedding, and she would have slapped me silly had I picked out the fanciest of sites and menus!