Looking For Honest Opinions? Long

[4cruisin]

My best friend had a baby Tuesday evening. This is the same girl that has a 17 yo college bound son. I am a sounding board for her as she has a lot of self made drama in her life but she is a sahw/m and has no financial worries.

Dh and I consider her son our nephew and also were very excited about the arrival of the new baby. She called to tell me she was on her way to the hospital and would call me later. She called me later and was headed for a c-section and would update me when she could. Her dh (who was our friend b/4 he even met her) called and said they were still waiting and would call me in the a.m. Best friend called me yesterday at 7 a.m. to tell me my new "niece" (her words) had arrived. Both were fine etc. We talked for a few minutes and she told me that I could go to the hospital to visit anytime. Told her I would wait until after work so that she would have a chance to rest and adjust.

I went out and spent a small fortune on clothes, diapers, a locket and doll for the baby (my choice to spend the $$) because best friend was adamant that I not have any shower or welcome baby party for her. I decided to put the money into gifts for baby. I called to see if it was ok for dh and I to stop by the hospital to see bf, "niece" and drop off some of the clothes I had purchased. Her dh says "She's really tired so not tonight maybe she'll feel like seeing you tomorrow" O.K., at that point I'm a little put out and it hurt me but I understood she probably had a long day. He then says "Yeah, tomorrow will be ok", so I tell him to have a good night and hope they get some rest etc and hang up. 2 seconds later my phone rings and he says "Change of plans...you can come for a quick visit but limit it to 15 minutes." OK, another words, drop off the gifts but don't bother us. I tell him it's ok, we'll let them rest and try to stop by tomorrow night. He says no, it's ok just limit your visit to no more than 15 minutes. Now at this point, I'm even more hurt that I'm being treated like a 4 yo. I said no, I'm sure you're all tired, probably had a ton of company earlier and I'm sure the baby won't grow up overnight. No worries. He says just come to the hospital.
Fine, dh and I go because at this point, I don't want to cause a fuss and I figure maybe I'm being overly sensitive. We drive all the way to the hospital, go into the room, see everyone, they open our gifts, we goo goo over the baby, are never asked if we want to hold her etc, spend 12 minutes, (don't even sit down) and leave. I tell best friend to call me when she feels up to talking. She says "Oh, sorry about the 15 minute limit, the "nurse" told me to say that", Yeah right, ok whatever.

She calls me at work this morning (which she never does) and says I wanted to thank you for the beautiful clothes. We really appreciate it. I know she is trying to back pedal but I am still really hurt. If you have read this far, thanks and please be honest. I can take it. Would you be hurt too?

 

[theflowerladee]

I don't know how to respond, because I am as confused as you are. I tend to be a little oversensitive myself, so I would have been offended to.

What time was your visit? If it was close to the end of visiting hours maybe the nurse really did say that.

I guess I would just wait and see how they act over the next few days.

 

[Daxx]

OK -- here's my thought on it. I bet they were prob. tired. When you made the call and they said No, don't come, they prob. heard the hurt in your voice. I'm sure that they decided that instead of hurting your feelings, they'd call back and say come for 15 mins. so that your feelings wouldn't be hurt and so that they could get some rest. They prob. figured it was better to have you over for a little bit than have you stuck w/hurt feelings and not visit at all.

I am sure that they were v. tired and felt bad saying no at first to you.

While I'm sure that the nurse didn't say "15 mins. only", it was the time that this woman felt she could give to you after being exhausted from delivering a baby and recovering from a C-Section and having visitors in and out all day. Be grateful that she said 15 mins. b/c you could've sat at home last night stewing in hurt feelings.

Don't you remember how exhausted you were from delivering a baby, having to entertain visitors and having to try to squeak in a lot of sleep you've missed out on over the last 9 months!?

My guess is that they were trying to be nice by saying "yes, come after all, it'll be ok" but you took it as they only wanted your gifts. I think gifts were prob. the last thing on their minds!!!!! I think they knew your feelings were hurt and wanted to try to remedy that situation.

 

[In a hurry]

After my section, I was really wiped, maybe because I am an older mom too. I think that I would assume the best of your friend, and that her husband, and the nurses were just looking out for her better interests. It seems that you put them on the spot, in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

 

[Michie]

No, I would not be upset. I never go visit people in the hospital when they have just had a baby....I know they are tired, I know the new Dad is tired.

 

[chris1gill]

Honestly? I woudn't be put out... the woman just had major surgery & by night time I'm sure she's exhausted.... I would tend to think visiting around noon would be best....

I'd say give her a bit of sleeping time & things will be back to normal before you know it

 

[NMAmy]

Well, no, I wouldn't be hurt at all. Giving birth can really wear you out. You're tired, you look awful (well, at least I did), and you're trying to get used to the idea of having a new baby.

I limited the time for friends to visit me when I had dd, as well. I'd had complications with the birth and was on heavy duty medication.

It's obvious that your friend is grateful for the gifts and is trying to reconnect with you. I don't think she meant to hurt you. Sometimes we have to realize that it's not all about us.

 

[4cruisin]

I don't know how to respond, because I am as confused as you are. I tend to be a little oversensitive myself, so I would have been offended to.

What time was your visit? If it was close to the end of visiting hours maybe the nurse really did say that.

I guess I would just wait and see how they act over the next few days.

We went at about 6:30 and visting hours end at 8. I'm trying not to be hurt but I cannot help it. I really consider her to be my bf, she has told me that I am her "sister" because she only has 2 brothers. I guess I overstepped my bounds by assuming that I would really be thought of as the baby's aunt.
I was her matron of honor 3 years ago and I thought we were closer than that. Now I now I'm only allowed a 15 minute (or less) visit.

 

[clarabelle]

I rarely visit anyone in the hospital after having a baby.
As a former nurse I would often see people whos family and friends would not keep it short and the mom would be exausted and also need some "personal time". You don't want to have to tell people that you need to nurse or need to attend to hygene needs or change bandages.

It sounds like it could have been handled a bit better -but I would try to get over it and look forward to spending some time with the baby after they get settled.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

at first i felt the way you did OP, but after reading DAXXs post and remember my own C-section, i have to agree there!! i did NOT want anyone at the hospital, except for my DH and my mom and dad, but after awhile i said okkkaaaayyyy and DH made sure to usher them out rapidly.

 

[helenabear]

I think at first I would be hurt (because I am overly sensitive), but after that, no way.

She is an older mom, I am gathering based on the age of the other son, and probably wiped out totally! The fact that she kept you so up to date before that, makes me think that she really does care. Her calling this morning would seal the deal for me.

Honestly, give her a break, let her relax and get some rest. I am pretty sure that is all it is. Many friends have told me, that c-sections have wiped them out too. It's not always fun to recover. So I would let it go, and know that she really does care since she took the time to call you at work. She's probably feeling a bit lousy about it herself.

I'd do my best to let go of the hurt.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I had a friend that changed her mind about a visit.

It could be that the hospital said no--and then said it was okay.

It really hurts my feelings when people put more thought into my words than I conveyed. When I say XYZ--I mean XYZ and not ABC. Personally, I would just let it go. If the relationship continues to dwindle, then you will know if that is what she really meant.

But hospitals do get persnickety sometimes and maybe she really did want to see you.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

We went at about 6:30 and visting hours end at 8. I'm trying not to be hurt but I cannot help it. I really consider her to be my bf, she has told me that I am her "sister" because she only has 2 brothers. I guess I overstepped my bounds by assuming that I would really be thought of as the baby's aunt.
I was her matron of honor 3 years ago and I thought we were closer than that. Now I now I'm only allowed a 15 minute (or less) visit.

i don't agree with you here at all. My bf didn't come to see the baby until 2 days later AND i refer to her as Auntie *** it's really just the pain and tiredness! and my SISter who is REALLY their aunt didn't come until AFTER her! haha i was just too tired to entertain and i really wanted to be with my baby and my DD and my DH!!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

We went at about 6:30 and visting hours end at 8. I'm trying not to be hurt but I cannot help it. I really consider her to be my bf, she has told me that I am her "sister" because she only has 2 brothers. I guess I overstepped my bounds by assuming that I would really be thought of as the baby's aunt.
I was her matron of honor 3 years ago and I thought we were closer than that. Now I now I'm only allowed a 15 minute (or less) visit.

She just had a baby--just just had a baby.

Let it go. You were allowed 15 minutes on the same night.

Her first baby in a longggggg time. I wasn't passing around my first baby so easily either.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I wouldn't be upset at all. I remember after my births I was wiped out and didn't want any company....and I had normal deliveries. It sounds like she was really worried that you were upset and tried to make you feel better.

 

[4cruisin]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and for your honest answers. I know it's not all about me and never thought it was. I guess in my own excitement, I just wanted to see her and the baby. I told the husband that it was ok and we would wait until the next night....he was the one that called me back and said come for 15 minutes. Dh and I unfortunately do not have any children of our own. Therefore, we were thrilled when our friend became pregnant. No one knows why we don't have kids as dh and I have kept things very private. I don't even want to go into it here as it hurts too much to talk about it.

I'll just let her rest and give her some space and see how things end up down the road. BTW, the baby is really beautiful. She has the cutest little face and a dimple in her chin.

 

[Markiesgirl]

I think you are being way oversensitive. She just had surgery and is exhausted. Mom and Dad need some alone time with their new baby. After my last csection I had a nurse volunteer to be the "bad guy" and not allow any more visitors for the night. I needed rest and nobody was giving it to me! Cut the girl some slack.

 

[Planogirl]

I doubt that they told you to come just to get the gifts because they could have easily waited a day for that. They might have said come on because she genuinely wanted to see you even if only for a short time. I understand why you feel a little hurt but see how it plays out before deciding anything.

 

[lil mermaid]

No, I wouldn't be "hurt" although I would probably be a little disappointed.

I really and truly think that you are reading too much into it. She was probably tired and maybe in pain. She probably just wasn't up for visitors.

As far as her calling you at work to thank you for the gifts - I think you may be reading too much into that too. She probably sensed that you were upset the night before and really wanted you to know that she appreciated your gifts. Not sure why you say she is trying to "back pedal."

If you two are really as close as you say, I would try to let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

[RadioFanatic]

as another who has not had children yet - and not for a lack of trying - I would say to cut her some slack. Knowing from experience, do you think your sadness about not having children might have had some impact on your feelings here? I know it has for me - but I try to separate the two issues. I don't think she wanted you to come for 15 minutes for the present, I think she didn't want you to feel bad. Remember, she is your bf so have some trust and faith in her.