Looking For Honest Opinions? Long

[Daxx]

I'm trying not to be hurt but I cannot help it.

In the grand scheme of your friendship, are you going to let something so petty break it up!? If you don't get over the hurt feelings, then you'll lose the friendship. And, please do not tell her that she hurt your feelings. Right now, she's more concerned about taking care of herself and her baby.

The woman had a baby by c-section. Give her a break already!!! She's exhausted, in pain, she's prob. had to deal w/her own family coming in and out all day as well as making and fielding phone calls. At 6:30, I'd be calling it quits for visitors, too. You told her you'd be in after work ... why didn't you just go in? Obviously, you pre-arranged to go in and she knew about it. If it wasn't ok, I would guess that she would've called.

You got to see the child, what more do you want? A grand apology? Even if it was 15 mins., you still got to see the kid. I'm sure the woman was exhausted and visitors were the last thing she wanted to deal with!

Why aren't you more concerned for how your friend feels and how you can be a helpful friend instead of being so concerned about your own feelings?

After having a baby, I doubt this woman was thinking "How can I tick off my bf?"!!!!! Be thankful that she called to tell you she was going to the hospital, called you to tell you she was going in for a c-section and called you after the baby was born. She TOLD you it was your NIECE. You did get to see her for a little bit. What more do you want!?!?!? Why aren't you grateful for what you did get?!

When my niece was born, we weren't allowed in the hospital at all -- only grandparents were the orders from my brother and his wife. We got a phone call from my Dad to let us know the baby was born. My brother didn't even call me. This is my FAMILY!!!! And, here is this woman who is not a blood relative and she calls you to fill you in throughout the birth and then, even though she's tired, says you come up to see the baby for 15 mins. and you're complaining?!!? Enough. Time to be grateful for what you have and move along.

 

[antmaril]

I'm sure she was exhausted. Just take the high road and let it go. You will be glad you did.

 

[4cruisin]

In the grand scheme of your friendship, are you going to let something so petty break it up!? If you don't get over the hurt feelings, then you'll lose the friendship. And, please do not tell her that she hurt your feelings. Right now, she's more concerned about taking care of herself and her baby.

The woman had a baby by c-section. Give her a break already!!! She's exhausted, in pain, she's prob. had to deal w/her own family coming in and out all day as well as making and fielding phone calls. At 6:30, I'd be calling it quits for visitors, too. You told her you'd be in after work ... why didn't you just go in? Obviously, you pre-arranged to go in and she knew about it. If it wasn't ok, I would guess that she would've called.

You got to see the child, what more do you want? A grand apology? Even if it was 15 mins., you still got to see the kid. I'm sure the woman was exhausted and visitors were the last thing she wanted to deal with!

Why aren't you more concerned for how your friend feels and how you can be a helpful friend instead of being so concerned about your own feelings?

After having a baby, I doubt this woman was thinking "How can I tick off my bf?"!!!!! Be thankful that she called to tell you she was going to the hospital, called you to tell you she was going in for a c-section and called you after the baby was born. She TOLD you it was your NIECE. You did get to see her for a little bit. What more do you want!?!?!? Why aren't you grateful for what you did get?!

When my niece was born, we weren't allowed in the hospital at all -- only grandparents were the orders from my brother and his wife. We got a phone call from my Dad to let us know the baby was born. My brother didn't even call me. This is my FAMILY!!!! And, here is this woman who is not a blood relative and she calls you to fill you in throughout the birth and then, even though she's tired, says you come up to see the baby for 15 mins. and you're complaining?!!? Enough. Time to be grateful for what you have and move along.

Oh, trust me, I have been a helpful friend. I just feel that the situation could have been handled better on their part. I told the husband it was fine and we would make it the following night.
I asked for opinions and have received a lot of feed back which I appreciate. Some of the responses have helped me see the other side and what bf and husband may have been feeling/thinking. But honestly, you don't have to get so worked up over it. BTW, 6 is when I get out of work.

 

[ahutton]

I would probably be hurt at first, but having been through a difficult labor and C-Section delivery I would let it go.

Something that hadn't been mentioned is there is a possibility the nurse told the DH to limit visitors to give Mom time to rest. During the first day your are still mostly anestetitzed (can't spell it!) but once that wears off the pain curve comes up very quickly and if you are doing too much you will be very sorry. I went through that. Felt fine, was up and about. Then all of the sudden I was in extreme pain, and it took a long time and a lot of meds to feel better. The nurse may have been jumping in to make sure that didn't happen. Or if the nurse didn't say it specifically, maybe DH decided he would make sure she had some true down time. That is priceless in the hospital.

 

[barkley]

the maternity ward both my kids were born in did ask patients to limit visiting time. the way they explained it was even though we might feel up to longer visits our bodies needed to recover from delivery and since hospitals keep new mom's for such a short time we needed to use that time productivly (in other words-REST, get the information the nurses/doctors were giving us and the like).

i've had friends who did'nt advise folks including close friends and family that the baby was born until AFTER they had been discharged from the hospital and settled back at home. they simply wanted some down time before everyone came over.

i felt pretty good after my first delivery (even though there were lots of complications), with my second though it was relativly easy (for me contractions both times started 5 minutes apart and delivery was not for at least 26-28 hours later) i felt those "baby blues" almost immediatly. rest and privacy was all i craved.

perhaps when she is discharged and back home you can offer to come over and make a meal for the family (or just "stand guard" while she gets some rest-i would have killed for someone to do this for me). i imagine it's going to be quite an adjustment.

 

[RSoxFan]

Something like this happened when my sister-in-law had her second daughter a few months ago. When her older daughter was born, it was on a Saturday. The whole family waited in the waiting room when the baby was born and we saw the baby in the nursery right after shewas born. No one saw my SIL until the next day because she had a section. Right before she had baby #2, she told me that she hoped she would have her on a weekday so that no one would be at the hospital. I felt awful. I adore my neices and spoil them to bits. I don't have kids yet so I live through them. Well, my niece was born on a Saturday and none of us went to the hospital out of respect for SIL. She told my brother she only wanted her parents and siblings there, so they went and we didn't. I was upset at first, but she was the one who had major surgery not me. I understand why you felt hurt, but it sounds like your friend is really trying to make it up to you.

 

[shortbun]

Sounds like you've relaxed a bit. Good! Having two children is WAY harder than having one. A new baby takes LOADS of focus and requires lots of quiet time and family time-talkin' Mom/Dad/baby. You will need to be patient, understanding, benevolent, unconditional and did I say PATIENT? Your friendship will change, there will be less time for you but you are still the best friend. The baby needs time to settle, time for JUST attention from parents and no one else. You may feel alone and left out. It's not a rejection, just necessary. Let your friend know you are really interested in helping and being there for her and her baby. That will require unconditional love because it's going to be different and the focus MUST be on what the baby needs, not you. Your friend will come out of the fog of new babyism but it might take a very long time. Be there, find some ways to entertain yourself and stay the best friend because you are.

 

[Monte Cristo]

OK -- here's my thought on it. I bet they were prob. tired. When you made the call and they said No, don't come, they prob. heard the hurt in your voice. I'm sure that they decided that instead of hurting your feelings, they'd call back and say come for 15 mins. so that your feelings wouldn't be hurt and so that they could get some rest. They prob. figured it was better to have you over for a little bit than have you stuck w/hurt feelings and not visit at all.

I am sure that they were v. tired and felt bad saying no at first to you.

While I'm sure that the nurse didn't say "15 mins. only", it was the time that this woman felt she could give to you after being exhausted from delivering a baby and recovering from a C-Section and having visitors in and out all day. Be grateful that she said 15 mins. b/c you could've sat at home last night stewing in hurt feelings.

Don't you remember how exhausted you were from delivering a baby, having to entertain visitors and having to try to squeak in a lot of sleep you've missed out on over the last 9 months!?

My guess is that they were trying to be nice by saying "yes, come after all, it'll be ok" but you took it as they only wanted your gifts. I think gifts were prob. the last thing on their minds!!!!! I think they knew your feelings were hurt and wanted to try to remedy that situation.

Exactly.

 

[Daxx]

Dh and I unfortunately do not have any children of our own. Therefore, we were thrilled when our friend became pregnant. No one knows why we don't have kids as dh and I have kept things very private. I don't even want to go into it here as it hurts too much to talk about it.

I know how you feel re. the children issue. We've gone through many things re. infertility, etc. and were finally blessed through adoption. It was v. difficult to watch my friends have babies ... and my 17 yo niece have her own baby. We were supposed to adopt a child right when my 17 yo niece and SIL were pregnant and it fell through right before they had their babies. I know how v. difficult it is to watch your friends/family have children while you go through the "why her, why not me" thing. But, as another poster said, as difficult as it is, you have to separate that.

Be thankful that your friend considers you this child's aunt. Be grateful that you have such an amazing relationship w/this woman that she's letting you be such an incredible part of her child's life!!!!

So, I offer up to you my hugs b/c I know how difficult being childless can be.

 

[NCDisneyMom]

First, let me say that I really do understand your point of view. But, I do think you are reading too much into it. Here is my take, from someone who has "been there".

If I am reading your OP correctly, it sounded like she went into labor, and once at the hospital, it was determined that she needed a C-section...perhaps she was even there overnight (if I am reading correctly) before having the baby? When I had my ds (firstborn), I went through something similar to that. Went to the hospital in labor, went through the whole process, and then had a c-section. Let me tell you, I was exhausted. My parents and inlaws were there, and I was falling asleep in the middle of conversations!

Also, when you have a c-section (especially if it is unplanned), you may not get to hold the baby right away...I know I didn't. By the time I got him in my arms, nobody else was going to get him away from me...not even my dh or my Mom! They all knew that, too, in no uncertain terms. I told them they could hold him the next day, but that day he was MINE!

I agree with the other poster(s) who said that they may have realized that your feelings were hurt, and changed their minds about you coming to visit. I really don't think they asked you not to come as a personal attack against you...just that they had been through a lot, and maybe wanted to have some "family time" together. Please give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

[mtemm]

not at all. she is exhausted and recovering from surgery, possibly trying to bf. vistors, even close friends/family, can get overwhelming and it sounds like this couple needs a little time and space. This is nothing against you, its just what they need. A new baby after so many years can take a lot out of you. the sleep deprivation alone is tough to adjust to, but the surgery makes it all the tougher. I had 2 sections and fairly easy recoveries, but that doesn't mean there was no recovery. I love that the nurse told them they can limit visits/visitors while in the hospital, actually. and I think her being honest with you that it was she who told them they could say that shows she trusts you and feels very close to you.

personally, I would never have brought the gifts to the hospital...I would have waited until they were home. it was very sweet of you, but its one more thing they will have to think about carting home. it always seemed like we left the hospital with a ton of stuff, not even gifts necessarily, it just seemed like the stuff we brought grew. lol.

I would take her phone call to mean she is thrilled with the gifts and how thoughtful you were to buy them, and that she values your friendship. Just give them some time and space.

Congrats to your friend!!!

 

[Chattyaholic]

I can completely understand how you're feeling. Something similar happened when my best friend had her baby, almost 28 years ago! Knew she would be getting lots and lots of visitors so we waited until the second day AFTER she got home. Called to see if we could come out and she said no. Too tired. OK, everybody and their brother have been out to see the baby, but she didn't want us to come? Really, really hurt my feelings since she was my best friend. Later she told me that BECAUSE we were best friends she felt she could be HONEST with ME and that I would understand. She didn't feel she could tell everyone else not to come, but felt her best friend would understand. I got over it and we are still best friends today.
I'm sure your friend didn't mean to hurt your feelings, just like my friend didn't mean to hurt mine. Hope you can rise above your hurt feelings and continue with the friendship.

 

[4cruisin]

Sounds like you've relaxed a bit. Good! Having two children is WAY harder than having one. A new baby takes LOADS of focus and requires lots of quiet time and family time-talkin' Mom/Dad/baby. You will need to be patient, understanding, benevolent, unconditional and did I say PATIENT? Your friendship will change, there will be less time for you but you are still the best friend. The baby needs time to settle, time for JUST attention from parents and no one else. You may feel alone and left out. It's not a rejection, just necessary. Let your friend know you are really interested in helping and being there for her and her baby. That will require unconditional love because it's going to be different and the focus MUST be on what the baby needs, not you. Your friend will come out of the fog of new babyism but it might take a very long time. Be there, find some ways to entertain yourself and stay the best friend because you are.

I am sitting here in tears after reading this. I guess maybe because dh and I don't have children, I'm afraid that it will change our friendship and got the feeling that it had already started last night. Because we are childless, we are left out of things because people feel we don't have a lot in common with them. That hurts us tremendously. Other friends of ours have 3 boys and we are godparents to one of them. They mean the world to us and we adore being with them. In all honesty, ask any childless couple and they will tell you that they feel shunned sometimes by people with kids.

Thanks for this post. It will give me a lot to think about.

 

[Keli]

If she was your best friend before she went in to deliver the baby then she'll be your best friend when she comes home. I wouldn't put too much stock into what happened with the whole 15 minute thing.

I can see why that hurt your feelings but you have to shake that off because from the outside it really doesn't look like it was personal. It sounds like she was exhusted.

I'm sure it threw you for a loop but in the end I don't think it's really a reflection of how much she values your friendship. If it were personal you wouldn't have received all those phone calls with updates before the baby was born.

 

[keenercam]

I have had 2 babies by c-section. I can tell you, I really was in so much pain and didn't want to see anyone afterwards, but of course, we let everyone visit because we didn't want to hurt their feelings. I would not be hurt if I were you. She was obviously exhausted and had maybe even been saying that and her husband and the nurse told her she should assert herself and say no visitors or tell visitors to limit the time. Again, I don't think you should be feeling hurt.

 

[FSUGrad97]

Oh, trust me, I have been a helpful friend. I just feel that the situation could have been handled better on their part. I told the husband it was fine and we would make it the following night.

While I totally get the fact that you are disappointed because you weren't able to spend a lot more time with them, giving birth (especially by c-section) is incredibly tiring, and I seriously doubt that they were trying to figure out how to handle the situation.

Depending on her and the baby's health, that may have been their only concern. I had been diagnosed with preeclampsia, had been on bedrest for 2 weeks before my DD was born, and had a c-section after the induction failed to progress. Suffice it to say, our health (my DD and myself) was the biggest concern for my DH and I.

In my case, I was so tired after my c-section, there was NO WAY I would want anyone to visit me. It wasn't until a few days later that I was willing to have visitors (I had my DD on Saturday night, and my first visitors came on Monday).

As one of the other posters said, please give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Michie]

You sound like a real sweet friend But no matter how close we are to someone, they are just things, moments that we are not going to be part of. And that is the way it should be.For some people, having a baby is something very private and special between their spouse/SO.

 

[MareQ]

I can take it. Would you be hurt too?

No. She JUST had a baby - it's a physically and emotionally exhausting time - hormones are a raging - people act out of the norm when they go through stresses - highs and lows - like this.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I am sitting here in tears after reading this. I guess maybe because dh and I don't have children, I'm afraid that it will change our friendship and got the feeling that it had already started last night. Because we are childless, we are left out of things because people feel we don't have a lot in common with them. That hurts us tremendously. Other friends of ours have 3 boys and we are godparents to one of them. They mean the world to us and we adore being with them. In all honesty, ask any childless couple and they will tell you that they feel shunned sometimes by people with kids.

Thanks for this post. It will give me a lot to think about.

Just something to keep in mind. Even though you may not have said anything, your bf & her husband may have picked up on your sorrow at not having your own little ones. And they may think they will be sparing your feelings in the future if they do not include you more often because of the baby. You may want to let your friend know how much you're looking forward to being Auntie 4cruisin to your niece, so they know that you want to be included. A little bit of communication will go a long way to a better relationship. I say this because sometimes we think that our family and friends should know how we feel, when really they don't.

I understand your hurt, but I can't fault your friend. I also don't fault you - that's just the way it is. How you react to your feelings is what will determine how your friendship will continue with your friend, and though it may be a little different - that is okay, too.

 

[Serena]

Are you feeling better now?

It sounds like you two are best friends and I know we all have bad moments. It sounds like an emotional day for both of you. I'd let it go and remember she is your best friend, and you are hers. Don't forget that.