Looking For Honest Opinions? Long

[Christine]

It will all be fine soon. Having a baby is very traumatic for some people.

I know that after I had BOTH of my children, I really didn't want anyone visiting. I was happy but, physically I looked bad and I was hurting. I can only imagine that it's worse after a C-section.

Please try not to be hurt. Plus the hormones of pregnancy drop and change DRASTICALLY right after childbirth. Your friend will probably not be herself for the next 2-3 weeks.

 

[alliecats]

I am sitting here in tears after reading this. I guess maybe because dh and I don't have children, I'm afraid that it will change our friendship and got the feeling that it had already started last night. Because we are childless, we are left out of things because people feel we don't have a lot in common with them. That hurts us tremendously. Other friends of ours have 3 boys and we are godparents to one of them. They mean the world to us and we adore being with them. In all honesty, ask any childless couple and they will tell you that they feel shunned sometimes by people with kids.

Thanks for this post. It will give me a lot to think about.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Awww, I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt! I can't say that I blame you, even though I'm sure that they meant nothing personal by it. They are good friends and I'm sure will continue to be good friends.

Yes, they will be busy with the baby and you and them are in different stages, but that doesn't mean that you two have to be less close as long as you both are respectful and understanding of each other and the lines of communication are kept open. Let her know how excited you are about the baby and about how you want to be there for her and how you want to do whatever you can to help out. Tell her that you feel like a sister--even though I'm sure she knows this, a reminder never hurts!

I would have given my eye tooth to have had a good friend like you when my babies were little. I had good friends who were there for me, but to be selfish, they were busy with their own kids just as I was busy with mine. Sure, we pitched in to help each other, but someone who didn't have kids of their own who didn't have their own ball games to be attending, temper tantrums to be dealing with, sleepless nights? That would have been priceless!

I am sorry that you are hurting! Hang in there and know that you are important to her just as she is important to you.

 

[Daxx]

I'm afraid that it will change our friendship and got the feeling that it had already started last night.

Yes, it'll change ... but it can be a positive change! Right now, the new parents are going to be consumed w/the baby and all you'll hear is "the baby this and the baby that" so often that you'll want to puke! Anyway, since these folks haven't had a baby in awhile (they have a 17 yo, right?), this is going to be huge for them. This can strenghten your relationship. I'll bet your friend is really going to need someone to talk to after long days w/a baby! And, believe me ... those of us w/kids often look at you w/envy b/c you can pick up at the drop of a hat and fly off to Morocco if you feel like it! Look at this whole thing in a positive light and it'll be good!

Because we are childless, we are left out of things because people feel we don't have a lot in common with them. In all honesty, ask any childless couple and they will tell you that they feel shunned sometimes by people with kids.

You're absolutely right ... been there, done that. But, I'll tell you that the grass isn't always greener on the other side! It happens when you have kids, too. For example, we have one child. Two couples, who are our v. best friends, have 2 kids each. We cannot relate to their conversations about the double homework, balancing equal time w/the kids, the double tuition fees, the double cost of everything, the "making it even and fair", the "vacations are too expensive w/two kids", etc. We have one, so we don't have to worry about a sibling getting "gypped out" or our kid missing out on something. Most recently, we were talking about private high schools (although we're 5 yrs. from having to deal w/it) and where we'd send our kids. We were talking about the tuition costs for the 2 schools we're all considering and the other couples said they didn't know how they'd afford it b/c they have to send 2. We can't relate to that b/c we only have one tuition to worry about! Yesterday, two couples whose kids are in college were talking about a weekend get-away and invited us along, sans child. We'd love to go and would have a blast ... but can't b/c we have too many commitments w/DS (soccer camp, soccer games, etc.). And, unfortunately, the chief baby-sitter (my Dad) will be out of town. I could leave him w/friends, but don't want to inconvenience anyone.

Sometimes, we feel we get the "bum's rush" b/c we only have one. We can buy a family of 4 season pass at the amusement park for less than it'd cost us to buy the 2 adult and one child passes ... but b/c we don't have a 4th person, the park won't let us buy the 4-pack and only use the 3 admissions. We have to designate a 4th name on the pass and it had to be a family member and not a friend. So, if we wanted season passes, we'd have to pay the higher fee. Stinks, sure ... but again, we're penalized for our choice of one child.

So, even when you do have kids (should you decide to take that route), you'll see that there's always something that you're not quite fitting in with!

 

[Marseeya]

If someone already mentioned this, I didn't see it, but there could be some hormones going on there! After the birth of both of my kids, I had some PPD going on and really wasn't myself around my friends.

I can understand why you're feeling so sensitive about it. If I were you, I wouldn't say anything to the BF, but instead vent to your DIS friends.

 

[disykat]

No one saw us until the day after each of my children's births. Not my mother, not my father, not my sister - even though they were all here from out of state specially for the birth. No one. I never thought one thing about it and I don't think they did either. I think because my Dad is a doctor he would have killed anyone who dared. I think it's highly possible that a nurse suggested a 15 minute time limit. She/he is in charge of the patients recovery. No one but immediate family came to the hospital, and as excited as I was about showing off the baby - I wouldn't have wanted them to.

I'm sorry you were hurt, but I'm glad you are able to step back and rethink it.

I'm not sure how old your friend is, but I'm in my early 40's and just had abdominal surgery. I felt like I had been hit by a truck! She may find that the surgery/birth is harder on her than anticipated due to being older than she was the first time.

 

[lindakmonty]

I didn't read all the replies. I understand completely how you feel. I would feel hurt as well. But I would just keep it to myself and let it go. She was probably just exhausted and hormones going crazy!

 

[Beth76]

She just had a baby and surgery. Cut her some slack. She's a patient in a hospital. It's not her job to be hospitable to you.

 

[disneymom3]

My take on it is actually that your friend is comfortable enough with you to be able to say, "I am really tired and can only deal with a short visit." She probably was really wiped out and didn't want any visitors but didnt' want to hurt your feelings and figured if you are best friends she can tell you to just come for alittle while because she can't handle anymore.

 

[Minnesota!]

I wouldn't be hurt. I didn't want to see ANYONE the night of my c/s. I had been in labor for a long time, had major surgery and had a new baby/emotions to adjust to. The last thing I wanted to do was entertain.

My best friend was with me when I gave birth, but if she hadn't been, I would have asked her to wait until the following day.

I think you are being way overly sensitive. Give her a break...she JUST had a baby!

 

[tinatark]

We just went through this - DH's best friend (of 25 years) and his wife had a baby in November - we had her 7 year old son staying with us - went to the hospital the first night, saw/held the baby, etc... then her last morning there I was near the hospital, came by and called (you need a code to get on the elevator to the mat. floor)... finally reached them and was allowed to go up for a few minutes...it was funny, they were on the prayer list at our church which they occassionally attend - one of the pastors was there when I got there, he was a little taken aback by their attitude!

We had planned to give them several days at home before visiting - instead we were sent an email that said their ped told them not to have her around anyone who hadn't had a flu shot ... well, that didn't stop them from taking her out the first week home - to restaurants, even - and telling us how cute the waitresses, etc. thought she was!

Anyway, they finally relaxed a bit after the first 3 weeks... after I did tell her how the way the were acting was very hurtful - they had NO ONE around for the first two weeks - and would be the way their loved ones remembered the baby's birth...

As for DH and his best friend - DH was very standoffish around the baby, and them - they just cleared the air about a month or so ago. Things are better now.

 

[mickeysgal]

She just had a baby--just just had a baby.

Let it go. You were allowed 15 minutes on the same night.

Her first baby in a longggggg time. I wasn't passing around my first baby so easily either.

Absolutely!! I didn't want anyone other than my parents and my DH to visit me. You're exhausted...you're beyond exhausted, at least I was. Day 1 isn't the time for a mandatory social gathering no matter how close you are and this includes family and friends. Its totally the mom's call and when you're that exhausted you certainly can't think clearly so if she waffled back and forth on a visit decision, its certainly understandable. Please cut the new mom some slack.

You know, I think the pain of childbirth fades from our memory so much that even those of us that have experienced it can't appreciate it when its not us. And, everyone handles this differently. What was right for you isn't necessarily right for others.

JMHO

 

[teacherforhi]

I would be slightly horrified that my best friend thought I should be catering to her whims after I've just had major surgery. And on top of that, you've accused them of making nice just for the gifts.

I can't have children either and as I sit here, I'm babysitting my niece because my sister is at the hospital having a schedule C-section. I'm more than happy to sit here until I get the call that my sister is ready for her 4-year-old and I'm not at all offended by the fact that I'm not wanted at the hospital right now. The world doesn't revolve around me and my wants.

 

[momrek06]

OP..I had one son C-Section...exhausting all these people coming in and out of the room for a week(it was a week's stay in the 80's)....

Had my second son and BEFORE I left to have my second C-Section I told EVERYONE, absolutely EVERYONE that I would appreciate all visiting to be when I got home and was settled in. EVERYONE understood. I had a full week in the hospital and a full weeks of rest without allot company. I limited the company to my mom and dad.

I am overly sensitive at times. But do not take offense to this at all. Once she is home and settled is when you can go and visit and stay longer than 15 minutes.

Also, OP: opening gifts in the hospital is overwhelming...just more items to pack up and bring home at the end of the stay. My neighbor just had a baby boy and I waited to see her at her home after she was settled in and brought the gift over then. Friend had her rest and was excited to tell me all about the delivery as well as open the gift etc etc...and we are verrrrrrry close as well.

 

[Rajah]

OK -- here's my thought on it. I bet they were prob. tired. When you made the call and they said No, don't come, they prob. heard the hurt in your voice. I'm sure that they decided that instead of hurting your feelings, they'd call back and say come for 15 mins. so that your feelings wouldn't be hurt and so that they could get some rest. They prob. figured it was better to have you over for a little bit than have you stuck w/hurt feelings and not visit at all.

I am sure that they were v. tired and felt bad saying no at first to you.

While I'm sure that the nurse didn't say "15 mins. only", it was the time that this woman felt she could give to you after being exhausted from delivering a baby and recovering from a C-Section and having visitors in and out all day. Be grateful that she said 15 mins. b/c you could've sat at home last night stewing in hurt feelings.

Don't you remember how exhausted you were from delivering a baby, having to entertain visitors and having to try to squeak in a lot of sleep you've missed out on over the last 9 months!?

My guess is that they were trying to be nice by saying "yes, come after all, it'll be ok" but you took it as they only wanted your gifts. I think gifts were prob. the last thing on their minds!!!!! I think they knew your feelings were hurt and wanted to try to remedy that situation.

That's how I read the situation, as well

 

[Pigeon]

The woman just had a baby and had major surgery. Cut her some slack. Maybe she didn't handle your request perfectly, but she has a good excuse. Let it go.

 

[Jynohn]

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt

Speaking from my own experience, I did not want ANY visitors after I had my babies. It was all I could do to deal with my parents and DH's parents visiting, let alone with the friends and co-workers who wanted to visit too. I had just been through 16 hours of h-ll and I was in pain, tired, bleeding , trying to breast feed and failing miserably, and just not in the mood to entertain ANYONE, not even my best friend.

I think your friend was probably telling the truth about what the nurse said. I know that my nurse told me that the reason they have visiting hours is only so that the new parents don't get overwhelmed with too many people coming in and out at all hours. She said that they're not really enforced, but they give people an "out" for getting too much attention during those first couple of days when everything is so chaotic.

Other than my sister, I never visit anyone with a new baby until they've been home at least a week. I call and send flowers, but I know that the last thing they want to do is entertain when they haven't slept in days and are trying to adjust to their new family.

You sound like a very good friend, and I'm sure your friendship will recover from this. Congratulations on your new "neice!"

 

[4cruisin]

Just to clarify, I brought some of the clothes to the hospital because she had mentioned that she did not have an outfit to bring the baby home in. She did not know beforehand what sex it would be and only had some onesies etc. I bought a few outfits figuring if she picked one out, either I or her dh could take it home to wash it so it would be ready for the baby to wear home. All the gifts I brought fit very easily into a basic size shopping bag. I would never expect them to need a u-haul to carry stuff home in.

I realize I am very sensitive (it's definetly a bad fault to have) and for those of you that did not read everything, dh and I do not have any children...not by choice and not something we discuss with anyone. Whether that is playing into my sensitivity????? I don't know. I truely wish them the best and meant no harm. I purposely waited until later in the day so that she would have a chance to rest a little and because I knew that her mom and his sister and niece would and should be the first people to visit. I did not want to take that away from them.

I'm sure that this will pass. I understand that our friendship will change as she will develop new friends that have a young child in common with her....just through playgroups, nursery school, sports or whatever. I just felt bad that it seemed to happen so soon.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to answer and relay some of their own personal experiences. It's nice to know that I can come here and be amongst friends.

 

[janey99]

Hi

I have a real life sister, and neither of us visited the other in the hospital post-delivery. As another poster mentioned, she was less than one day post-major surgery, processing a huge change in her life (17 years between babies - Egads!). Like a sister or a real sister, the moment she's in has little or nothing to do with you, and rightly so. It sounds like your feelings are hurt because she wouldn't, in that moment, put YOU before her new baby and herself - c'mon - is that really reasonable?

Sorry, but I think you are being a little selfish : (

 

[tar heel]

Since she has a 17-year-old, I'm guessing she was at least as old as I was when I had my third (38). There is a LOT of difference between having a baby in your 20s and a baby in your 40s. I think you're being overly sensitive.

My dad has been in the hospital since May 29. My mom has been staying with us b/c we're near the hospital and she's 100+ miles away. A lot of their friends call in the evening after we get home. These are wonderful people, but I'm so tired I don't even want to answer the phone much less talk to anyone.