Long Rant and Rave

[SnowAngel]

Okay...

I'm at work. My Mom calls and say I need to get home right now. There's an emergency!! "WHAT!?!" I say loud enough for the other 3 people in the office to hear. It turns out my youngest dd (she turned 4 last week but still very babyish) locked herself in bathroom. My Mom said she was taking nap (she lives with us) and awoke with bad dream. She started to see where the girls were. She found the older two but couldn't find the youngest but found the upstairs bathroom locked. She said she banged for about 5 mins before telling dh who was on computer. He went and started banging... no answer.. another 5 mins .. still none.. he tried opening it with card and everything. Another 5 and he almost broke the door down before dd piped up "hold on.. I open it." Mom called me about 1 minute and half before door open so everyone was still panicking. And So was I until Mom said it opened. I couldn't get home as dh had my car and I had no transportation. Though I do live close enough to run it in about 10 mins (yeps.. it did run through my mind). This was around 4 in the afternoon.

Now, I'm upset because it took them that long to find out she wasn't to be found and to get her out. I would have had that door open in a few minutes. Now Mom says she's not sure how long and dh who was on computer wasn't paying attention to how long he heard from her. Dh and I have another long issue on the care of dd during the day and other child care issues. He says I rarely get strong minded other than my kids but shouldn't I?? He says I don't trust him but he does things that sometimes just blow my mind. He's a sahd and goes to college at night. long story.

Now my opinion.. should I be upset over her care? My problem is I can never stay mad long (he's good at the puppy dog) and try to understand everyone's side but this is my babies' care and safety. Youngest was also found outside underwear less a couple months ago with dh asleep upstairs and mother in her room. Neighbor knocked on door and Mom answered to find dd. DD3 couldn't open door to get back in. I get called at work 2-3 times week to take girls to school because they missed the bus (I have to be work at 6:30-7. They have to be on bus at 7:40am). I come home at 4:30 .. no dinner started or homework.. then dh goes to school..so struggle for dinner and schoolwork and some housework.. (mom helps a little in homework for 1 dd and housework) Dh will do a lot 1 day and nothing for weeks but since he tried one day, watch out. There are so many issues... and I'm sick right now too. I feel so down and lost.

Any opinions on what to do?? I'm so frustrated. I love him and my girls but not sure what to do....

Should I be worried and what can I do with the only income?? (I make abt 50kwith main job which I'm scared that I'm abt to lose and 10k a year on second job,, my main career is a worrisome job as it is and with all our bills we are going bankrupt)...Yet worrying to death about my girls ( I want the best for them) and so tired when I get home that I don't pay enough attention to them (and then feel guilty about that) What will I do without the income and even with it are my girls being raised the best they can be??

I feel like I'm going in circles with no answers.. so looking for some. I can't afford daycare but am looking into getting her into headstart.

Thanks for the ramble.. and if you understand this.. you’re doing better than this lost mind

Life.. it'll lead a person to


by the by .. yes I have insomnia so up most nights to dis' I'm lucky to be able to sleep more that 2-3 hours

 

[tiggersmom2]

I would definitely try to find some sort of care for the 4 year old....it is awful that the adults did not know where she was. I ALWAYS know where my 10 year old is, and ofcourse the 2 year old.

Try to find someone that cares for kids out of their home. It is not hopeless - I found a babysitter for my 2 year old and she only charges me *50* dollars a WEEK!!! I know I lucked out big time but I am sure she isn't the only one out there! Hugs to you

 

[Pugdog007]

You need to give your DH an ultimatum. He needs to get a job. He stays home all day doing nothing and doesn't even take care of the children. And you refer to him as a "sahd?" I don't think he meets the minimum of qualifications to deserve the title.

I know I may seem harsh but I've seen you post about your DH many times before. You have got to take control of this, or you are indeed going to continue to go in circles. YOU have to force the change.

Best of luck.

 

[Crankyshank]

Wait a minute - there were 2 adults at home when this happened? Yowza.
If I were in your position, I'd tell DH that's it. He can't do the very basics of being a SAHD then he needs to get a job. Plenty of people go to school F/T and work.
This isn't some small thing he's neglecting. He's putting your child's safety in danger. And you need to stick to your guns

 

[Pugdog007]

Originally posted by Crankyshank
Plenty of people go to school F/T and work.

From what I recall from previous posts, DH is not in school FT and hasn't worked for over a year I believe.

And the OP works 2 jobs?

Snow it's time.

 

[SnowAngel]

pugdog007, dh doesn't work. He goes to school 4x aweek 6pm-9pm. He started in Sept. He did start getting some money last week for his education ( $900 a month to pay for his education though his dad actually has been paying the college bill). Yet he told me "I don't want you having access to MY money" when I asked him about it, even though I make sure he has everything he asks for. I'm the kind you want it, I love you, I WILL GET IT for you.

He got out of service about 1 1/2 years ago.. His father says maybe he's depressed and can't get back into the workforce. But I try my darndest to push him up.. tell him he's so great but he gets upset when he does things I don't agree with... aka with my girls. I am very picky with them . And he gets upset because I have some confidence. If I know something don't expect me to back down especially since I am in charge of people at work. I show dh any weakness and I won't hear the end of it. Are you one of those confident people who also want to show your weaknesses to people you are supposed to love?!?

I just met dh's father for a weekend (yes met him before but never paid him any mind .. as we only met for one day or so.. we travel so never close to family) .. and fil and his girlfriend said "Wow.. we are so suprised.. you are nothing like we heard!! You are so put together and a good mother. From what we heard... well you are so much better than we heard!!"

Wow.. never knew I had to impress people. I try my best.. and never try to impress. My children are my world. I think when they said something bad about them I went off and somehow earned a little bit of respect. NEVER PUT MY CHILDREN DOWN WHERE I CAN HEAR IT!! It will be sure enough to make this iceberg explode in fire!


My Mom tells me I need to stand up. I can make it on my own. I am doing it now!. It's not work (works actually not too bad even with idiots) so much as my worrying over my girls that drag me down. My Mom tells me this yet she does her own manipulation of me... she lives with us (more and more issues here then you poor exploited listeners want to hear!!) I just want everyone happy..sounds sappy don’t it yet can't figure my way out of this mess.


Now saying all this.. I feel guilty.. ever hear the saying you never know someone till you speak to them but dh is making me lose my ever living mind. And normally you would not believe how cool calm person I am when you met me.

It must be that third person view

 

[luvthatduke]

God bless you for working 2 jobs without good help...

No one knew where the 4 year old was....

I'd be livid - would not accept any excuse from anyone...

Snow Angel - it's time for you to take a stand.

Do it.

Protect your children.

And when you read our posts, some stronger than others,
you will most likely find yourself wanting to defend dh.
Resist the tempation...

Your anger is justified.

 

[Beth76]

Well, I guess I'm a bad mom because I've lost my child a few times at home. It happens, get over it. You can't expect eyes to be glued to all of your children at all times.

 

[Pugdog007]

Originally posted by Beth76
Well, I guess I'm a bad mom because I've lost my child a few times at home. It happens, get over it. You can't expect eyes to be glued to all of your children at all times.

I think you've missed the real issue here. The issue is not that the child was locked in the bathroom, or outside on her own. The issue here is that Snow is supporting this family on her own, including a DH who is able-bodied and can work but won't. And to add insult to injury, he doesn't even take care of the children during the day while Snow works. He lays around and plays on the computer all day, right?

Snow: You seem like you have it together at your job. You need to take the same kind of control in your home. Starting over... you and the children... I know sounds scary. But you are obviously able to take care of yourself financially... kudos that means you have choices. Where do you want to be next year? How about in 10 years? Where would DH go if you put him out? Well now, he'd have to get a job I suspect. Sometimes you have no choice but to resort to "tough love."

Good luck with your decision. I'm rooting for you

 

[SnowAngel]

Beth76 .. no!! you are not a bad Mom.. I have read your previous posts and you seem like a wonderful Mom.

This is not an issue of misplacing my little one at home. This is more bigger matter. This happens more constant to the point at work they ask me why I have 2 adults at home but yet get called almost everyday over minor emergencies.. etc. Why do I have to go to every app. . etc

I'm just one of those emotional people who feel what everyone else is feeling and have no idea what to do. WHY can I do it at work but not at home?!? I can be calm, collected.. emotionless when at work but at home forget it!!!

Maybe I'm just a crazy?!?

 

[luvthatduke]

Snow Angel - no, you are not crazy!
You are a loving mommy, wife & daughter.

I don't know what the solution is,
but I am totally in agreement with you.
There are 2 adults in your house when you're
not there so there is absolutely
no excuse for "losing" a 4 year old.
We all make mistakes that can be dangerous,
but most do it very rarely, not repeatedly.
And when an adult makes a serious mistake,
they own up to it - they don't get defensive!

2 things jumped out at me from your OP:

1) No one knowing "how long" your
just-turned 4 year old was gone.
Like your saying your DD is still "babyish",
I emphasize just-turned because there is a vast
difference in that one year's time.
Your DD will be very different when she's ready
to turn 5 next year - inside she's still that 3 year old right now.

2) You know - I can tell by your concern -
but apparently the other adults in the house don't realize
how much trouble a child can get into in a bathroom!
Let's see, for starters there may be medicines,
and even over the counter ones can be fatal.
Another one is playing 'bath time' and pulling
a blow dryer or curling iron into the tub (not unheard of).
And drowning in the tub is still a possibility at that young age.

I know those frightening thoughts aren't new to you,
but the other adults in the house need a reality check!

I don't know your other posts about your DH,
but if my DH wasn't watching our DS,
there'd better be a change and quick!
Children need our protection,
they are gifts from God - I know you see that in your 'angels'.

I pray that you are given wisdom to
deal with this serious situation.

Blessings...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by SnowAngel

Any opinions on what to do?? I'm so frustrated. I love him and my girls but not sure what to do....

Should I be worried and what can I do with the only income??

What will I do without the income and even with it are my girls being raised the best they can be??

yes I have insomnia so up most nights to dis' I'm lucky to be able to sleep more that 2-3 hours

You are going to have issues whether you stay or go, so don't worry about the future. As far as finances the longer you put if off the worse it gets. Run your numbers and see what you can do & how, when etc... You have to decide if your dh really wants to have a marriage with you. You cannot work things out all on your side it has to be 50/50. Right now it sounds as if the balance is 100/0. A person can only take that for so long. Figure out how long you can take it and plan out a strategy.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I think you and dh need to sit down and calmly discuss how your household needs to be run. Make a list of jobs that need to be done and when. Then set up a schedule of who is to do what--if your mother is capable of doing work, include her in the schedule. Then put this plan into motion. Block out time for dh to do his schoolwork. Let mother take care of dd4 at this time or else put her in daycare for that time period. If dh is not into the sahd thing, then look at daycare for the dd4. Let mother provide before and after school care for the other kids. Block out time for dh to do schoolwork, then he can get a part time job the other hours.

But, most importantly, talk about this with dh. Do it away from home if necessary--where you will not be interrupted and can talk calmly and honestly about your family, family life, and the household.

Good luck.

 

[SnowAngel]

Thanks all for listening. I have talked to dh. He gets defensive tries for a bit and goes back to the same thing. And I can make schedules and ask but rarely followed through by those I ask

Ever know the right thing to do but harder to do it

 

[diznygirl]

Sounds like you are doing it all on your own now anyway.......... why not make it official?

 

[Serena]

OOh, don't let me get started. Two adults in the house and they cannot manage to take care of a couple kids. Oh, I don't think so.

I would make your hubby get a job to pay for a babysitter that will take care of your kids. Instead of letting them take care of themselves.

For your husbands benefit, he may be clinically depressed. Get him to a doctor to rule that out. Then kick his butt out the door to get a job.

 

[SnowAngel]

Okay.. tonight he is driving me crazy. I hear the get rid of him but not sure if I should and if I should how. The emotional part is driving me crazy. He's so good at making me feel horrible. Like I'm so wrong and he's this poor misunderstood person.

I got mad at him tonight and he "I'm trying. You never even want to hear my part!" Long story so not going into it but I feel he was a little rough with dd7. She wasn't hurt or anything but said he put her down hard. She was acting up but I don't agree with him being rough. We don't spank and I don't believe in physical towards children as I believe it just means I'm bigger so I can use physical force. This is an occasional occurrence with him. Now, he's not an abusive parent and is actually usually pretty good with them. I'm just not sure what to do with him. He's not bad just a self-involved person (not self-centered) who cares about himself first.

I really feeling like I'm going crazy and worry about my girls.

Thanks for letting me vent. I need to do this more and follow through in reality

 

[justhat]

Originally posted by Beth76
Well, I guess I'm a bad mom because I've lost my child a few times at home. It happens, get over it. You can't expect eyes to be glued to all of your children at all times.

I wouldn't say you're a bad mom at all. But you presumably do more during the day than SnowAngel's DH, like cook, do laundry, clean up, etc. So while you're doing that it's possible kids hide and stuff and you don't know. Hey, when I was doing laundry my 8 month old knocked down a ceramic wastebasket (which of course broke) in the same room I was in. Luckily she didn't get cut or hurt, but unless I don't do anything else during the day but watch her things can happen.

With that said, SnowAngel's DH doesn't do any of those chores during the day, neither does her mom, so what else do they have to do but watch the 4yo??? I'm assuming the other 2 kids are in school all day, so it's just one kid for 2 adults to watch. Not too hard. The fact that she was alone outside in her underwear is scary enough to make me want to babysit for her myself!

SnowAngel, if your husband does nothing to help at home, and can't even get the kids to the bus on time, then he's not vested in you or his family. This is proven by him not wanting you to touch his money. What if you said that about your income? That it's your money, and you spent it all on you and the kids, making him buy his own food, clothes, etc.? I highly doubt he'd allow that, which portrays him as a very selfish individual. I know that if I ever sat home all day, not doing anything at all, and let my daughter get into all sorts of trouble like running outside alone my husband would have serious issues with it and changes would be made. His recklessness is hurting your family-like you said, everyone at work asks why you get called so much, and your job isn't too stable, well running home all the time won't help that, and if you lose your job you'll be in a much bigger mess.

I would tell him either to shape up or ship out, and be serious about it. If if starts off okay, but goes back to his old self, then separate from him. Maybe he just needs to be scared, who knows, but right now he's hurting you and your kids, and that's not good for either of you. If he's gone for awhile you'll have more money since you won't have his food/clothing/electricity from being on the computer all day bills so you'll have more money than you do now, plus without his stress you'll feel better with your kids. I'm so sorry to see this happen to you and I hope everything works out for the best.

 

[poohandwendy]

Ok, I am going for the tough love approach with you (ignore if you don't want to hear it)...

There are 2 people responsible for emotional manipulation, the person doing the manipulating and the person ALLOWING themselves to be manipulated. Obviously, you cannot control what he does or does not do, but you can control your reaction and you can control your own actions. You CAN control what you will and will not put up with.

I just want everyone happy..sounds sappy don’t it yet can't figure my way out of this mess.

Sorry, you can't have it both ways. You can't do everything all of the time, resent others for NOT doing what you don't expect them to do without prodding and then expect smooth waters also. It just does not work that way.

You don't want to make waves, but have expectations that are unrealistic under the circumstances. What I mean by that is it seems that you do not DEMAND anything until you are completely pissed off, why on earth do you expect action from people you have been comfortable with doing nothing? (or at least you have been living with it long enough for them to assume you are ok with it)

Why would you expect people who do literally nothing all day to be responsible for anything?

Before you completely walk away from my post, let me clarify. Why has it been ok that noone at home is doing the household chores AND properly supervising the children when you work 2 jobs? Why has it been ok that your DH does not have a job during the day? Why has this completely disfunctional stage been set? Why has this situation become what it is?

I really think your DH has a serious problem with responsibility (and probably depression also, haveyou checked into that?), but I think you also have a serious problem with not using your voice, blaming others for not living up to what you don't demand from them...because you hold it in and just resent them. All under the guise of wanting everyone to be 'happy'. Guess what, noone is 'happy'. It's not working, time to try something else.

I am not saying that your DH shouldn't KNOW to watch his child, I am saying that this is much more than that. That is just a symptom of a much bigger illness. Do you think this is suddenly just going to heal itself? That your DH is just going to automatically become super-responsible man/dad after he finishes school? Not gonna happen.

I seriously suggest an ultimatum of individual ad marital counselling (and definitely a doctor appt for possible clinical depression), a written contract of division of household chores, marital and parenting expectations. I would not stay if those things were not met. Period.

You BOTH need to rewrite the rules and in a hurry. I really don't see how you can last if you don't.

I say this all because it is obvious that he is not living up to his part as an adult, I think everyone else has pretty much covered that. But I think you need to look at your part in it and why YOU have allowed it to become and stay this way.

I apologize for not filling my post with atta-boys for your hard work, you certainly are carrying the load here, but I really don't think that is what you need. You need to take action towards NOT living this way anymore and that takes some looking in the mirror and asking yourself some hard questions.

Good luck to you...sorry I am so harsh, it's just hard seeing people put up walls in front of themselves and scratching their head because they can't go forward.

 

[Serena]

SnowAngel, I am copying wendy's whole post, because I want you to read it again. Read it and take it seriously. You have to make the changes neccessary and it won't be easy or fun.

Originally posted by poohandwendy
Ok, I am going for the tough love approach with you (ignore if you don't want to hear it)...

There are 2 people responsible for emotional manipulation, the person doing the manipulating and the person ALLOWING themselves to be manipulated. Obviously, you cannot control what he does or does not do, but you can control your reaction and you can control your own actions. You CAN control what you will and will not put up with. Sorry, you can't have it both ways. You can't do everything all of the time, resent others for NOT doing what you don't expect them to do without prodding and then expect smooth waters also. It just does not work that way.

You don't want to make waves, but have expectations that are unrealistic under the circumstances. What I mean by that is it seems that you do not DEMAND anything until you are completely pissed off, why on earth do you expect action from people you have been comfortable with doing nothing? (or at least you have been living with it long enough for them to assume you are ok with it)

Why would you expect people who do literally nothing all day to be responsible for anything?

Before you completely walk away from my post, let me clarify. Why has it been ok that noone at home is doing the household chores AND properly supervising the children when you work 2 jobs? Why has it been ok that your DH does not have a job during the day? Why has this completely disfunctional stage been set? Why has this situation become what it is?

I really think your DH has a serious problem with responsibility (and probably depression also, haveyou checked into that?), but I think you also have a serious problem with not using your voice, blaming others for not living up to what you don't demand from them...because you hold it in and just resent them. All under the guise of wanting everyone to be 'happy'. Guess what, noone is 'happy'. It's not working, time to try something else.

I am not saying that your DH shouldn't KNOW to watch his child, I am saying that this is much more than that. That is just a symptom of a much bigger illness. Do you think this is suddenly just going to heal itself? That your DH is just going to automatically become super-responsible man/dad after he finishes school? Not gonna happen.

I seriously suggest an ultimatum of individual ad marital counselling (and definitely a doctor appt for possible clinical depression), a written contract of division of household chores, marital and parenting expectations. I would not stay if those things were not met. Period.

You BOTH need to rewrite the rules and in a hurry. I really don't see how you can last if you don't.

I say this all because it is obvious that he is not living up to his part as an adult, I think everyone else has pretty much covered that. But I think you need to look at your part in it and why YOU have allowed it to become and stay this way.

I apologize for not filling my post with atta-boys for your hard work, you certainly are carrying the load here, but I really don't think that is what you need. You need to take action towards NOT living this way anymore and that takes some looking in the mirror and asking yourself some hard questions.

Good luck to you...sorry I am so harsh, it's just hard seeing people put up walls in front of themselves and scratching their head because they can't go forward.