Yay, my journal is still here! I'm so happy!
I just finished skimming through all of my old posts. I can't believe it's been 9 1/2 years since I started it, where has the time gone?!
So I guess I'll jump right in and try to pick up where I left off. I'm still trying to lose weight. Obviously I wouldn't be here if I weren't. I started this journey off at about 230 pounds back June of '04 but didn't start journaling until August of '04 at which time I had started on Atkins. It worked really well for me and I lost 70 pounds altogether. Over the years I've continued to struggle with my weight. In '11 I started doing WW and I did lose some weight. If anyone is reading this, I'm going to get a little off topic here so bear with my. If no one is reading, that's ok too!
Anyway, I began losing weight again on WW. I've been able to maintain most of that loss but have gained a few of those pounds back. I think it's important to be honest and admit that there's an emotional connection to food and I've come to realize that it's not necessarily a bad thing per se. Let's face it, there's joy in eating. Over the years I've developed a love for cooking. I've always enjoyed it but for some reason the last 5 years in particular I've spent a lot of time developing my skills as a cook. I love entertaining and get a sense of satisfaction in watching others enjoy the food I make. The problem comes when I lose focus and use food as a means of soothing myself when trying to deal with life's challenges.
A major challenge that I faced which is documented early in my journal was the separation with my husband. Just a month prior to our first trip to WDW, I decided that enough was enough. We took one last family trip together in August '04 and separated the following October. Looking back, it was really the trip of a lifetime and we created some wonderful memories but sadly had to come back to reality.
After our separation, I felt at the time that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but that was true only to a certain degree. Now I was a single mom trying to attend to my children's emotional needs related to the breakup of my marriage and became the sole provider in the home. And as strong as I felt when I made the decision to separate, the reality is that it was a loss because I loved my husband. I also felt that I had failed as a mother. When I married, it was to be for life. My parents divorced when I was very young so knowing the pain of growing up without my father, I didn't want that for my future children. So when we split I mourned but internalized my feelings because I had to keep it together for my kids.
Fast forward a few years later, I was fortunate enough to get a very nice promotion and went into management in '08. That brought it's challenges as well. I was now responsible for helping run the clinic and I still currently hold that position. I love my job but the healthcare industry can be very stressful, especially when you're in a position of responsibility.
Although we had separated, my husband and I never divorced and kept in touch over the years. He started counseling and as a result made great strides in turning his life around. During that time we had many conversations and worked through a lot of our issues and were even starting to talk about possible reconciliation. As his emotional health improved he began to take better care of himself physically. Sadly, due to years of abusing his body it was too late. His kidneys began to fail and he developed other complications related to diabetes. In late November '11 he went into cardiac arrest. He fought for as long as he could but passed away on 1/5/12.
That same year my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with liver cancer. As the eldest grandchild I was very close to her. I spent many summers at her home as a child and have so many fond memories of her. I was so loved by her and miss her tremendously. She passed away in November of '12.
My father was also diagnosed with abdominal cancer right around the same time as my grandmother. We had been estranged for many years but he reached out to me during that time. Regardless of the past, I felt that as my father I had to help him. He was alone and didn't really have anyone to care for him. I went through a roller coaster of emotions. My dad had never been one to want to talk about problems or the past, so the apology for his estrangement during my younger years never came. I didn't actually want an apology, I had forgiven my dad a long time ago. All I wanted was an acknowledgment that he wished things could have been different, but that conversation never took place and he died three weeks after my grandmother.
As difficult as those losses were, I've also experienced many blessings in my life. My sons are all grown now, well technically. They are now 20, 22 and 24. They're all still living at home and are wonderful sons. We've always been close but our bond became even stronger after I separated from my husband and they have been the light of my life. I'm so proud of them. They've been through a lot but I'm happy to say they made it through the teenage years pretty much unscathed. I look forward to being a grandparent one day but obviously when the time is right so not quite yet! My sister now has two children, a three year old boy and 6 year old girl who I adore and who will tide me over until the grandchildren come along!
Since '04 we've gone on several more WDW trips and two Disney cruises with another coming up in coming October.
So here I am, trying to refocus and take care of myself. I'm trying to pay attention to the correlation between how I feel emotionally and my eating. I'm definitely a stress eater. My boss transferred to another location in June which left me running the clinic by myself for three months until they found a replacement. And if anyone is asking why I didn't go for it, no thanks! I'm happy in my current role at my job and don't plan on asking for another promotion. That being said, the stress oftentimes leads me to comfort myself with food.
I do have a new boss who's great but we're still in transition to a significant degree, so it's been crazy at work to say the least. I'm often so tired that I don't prepare well for what I'm going to eat at work. I've digressed into the habit of skipping meals sometimes or just grabbing what's there which is often not healthy. My boss is also a foodie and he often brings me lunch - not good!
I need to get back on track so I've decided to go resume Atkins. As I said before, I did try WW but I think carb control works best for me. I'm happy to report that I never did gain back all the weight I had lost on Atkins. I gained, but I've never hit 230 again, I refuse to do that! So I'm sure the question in your mind if you're reading this is how much do I weigh now? As hard as it is to put down in black and white, this journal is about being honest, right? Ok, so I cringed this morning while getting on the scale - I'm at 208 lbs. There, I said it. Now I can move forward.
I am still a faithful Costco shopper so on Monday I'll be doing my groceries and will plan on purchasing induction-friendly foods. I'm prepared for the fact that I'm going to go into major sugar withdrawal but so be it, I know I'll get past it after the first week.
So goodbye for now, I'll be back in a few days, probably Tuesday which will be my first day back OP.
I'm only two pounds away from my 15 pound clippie which I hope to earn by next WI if I work really hard this week.
- 21 points
That means I won't start induction until Wednesday. 
