letter from father....

[ols386]

We believe that they wrote it together. While all of the words may not have been his, we believe that he was on board with the content and meaning of the letter.

I don't mean any disrespect to you or your dh, but if that's true, I think it's kind of a sick thing to do, especially considering it's his son who would read the letter and be hurt. Unless FIL wanted to try and drive a wedge between your dh and his mother, and if that's the case, that's very selfish on the part of the FIL.

 

[DizBelle]

I don't mean any disrespect to you or your dh, but if that's true, I think it's kind of a sick thing to do, especially considering it's his son who would read the letter and be hurt. Unless FIL wanted to try and drive a wedge between your dh and his mother, and if that's the case, that's very selfish on the part of the FIL.

We both agree with you on this....

DH characterized it as a "kick in the crotch".

DH and FIL had a nice enough relationship. They talked often enough (we live hundreds of miles away) and seemed to enjoy each other's company.

 

[okeydokey]

Your DH should not give the step mother any satisfaction over this at all. I would never mention it and if she asks what he thought of the letter, change the subject. It was obviously meant to be hurtful.

 

[Pigeon]

That stinks, and it was a rotten thing to do. I'm sorry your dh is going through this.

 

[Tosie]

Loooooooooooong time DIS member here, posting under new id for anonymity (just in case).

My FIL died last Friday. Yesterday, my DH gets a package from his stepmother containing a letter written by FIL a few months ago. In it, all he does is basically bash DH's mother. He basically is saying that she is a worthless human being.

DH was hoping for some sentimental musings on their father/son relationship. Not so. Needless to say, DH is not too happy.

I'm so sorry for your DH. If stepmom knew what the letter contained she should have just gotten rid of it.

My mom died in March and while my sister and I were going through her things we found a letter for each of us. She had cancer and had written them right before she started chemo. It is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received and a treasured possession.

 

[tvguy]

That's awful. I am so sorry your husband has to deal with this. Why can't people think things like this through - that act was extremely SELFISH! Give your husband some extra hugs.

With all do respect, I'm not sure it's awful. It may not have been what the son wanted to hear, but maybe his dad just wanted to clear the air? Unfinished business? Seems like it was very important to his dad to go to the trouble to have it notarized, and such specific delivery instructions.
I wish my dad had been able to write me a letter before he died.......because sure would have liked to have one final message from him.

 

[DizBelle]

With all do respect, I'm not sure it's awful. It may not have been what the son wanted to hear, but maybe his dad just wanted to clear the air? Unfinished business? Seems like it was very important to his dad to go to the trouble to have it notarized, and such specific delivery instructions.
I wish my dad had been able to write me a letter before he died.......because sure would have liked to have one final message from him.

Would you have wanted that message to be that he thinks that the person you get half of your DNA from is a warped, twisted, and uncaring person?

 

[tvguy]

Would you have wanted that message to be that he thinks that the person you get half of your DNA from is a warped, twisted, and uncaring person?

Like the information? Probably not. Want to know what my father thought was important that I know before he died? Without question, yes.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Loooooooooooong time DIS member here, posting under new id for anonymity (just in case).

My FIL died last Friday. Yesterday, my DH gets a package from his stepmother containing a letter written by FIL a few months ago. In it, all he does is basically bash DH's mother. He basically is saying that she is a worthless human being.

DH was hoping for some sentimental musings on their father/son relationship. Not so. Needless to say, DH is not too happy.

Well, was this the type of letter that was "read" by the Step mother, meaning it was open and obvious and meant to hurt /upset him?? Why on earth would she be so insensitive to hurt him after the loss of his father?
Which by the way,
SO sorry for your loss!!

OR
is this a situation where she had no idea? If that is the case, it is another reminder that the written word can have long lasting implications and sometimes, not good ones. Perhaps he was ill? Perhaps never meant to send it but was a vent??
Sorry you dh is having to deal with this additional stress (and you too op) so un-necessary.
I hope he can "rationalize" this away with your support and move on, because no matter what, the fact is, the Dad is no longer here to explain and your husband deserves to be able to move forward and not deal with someone elses "left over" anger, sorry!
sorry, I read thru posts after I posted.
Based on what you posted, OP, I think I would not even give any mention of it to the MIL for her satisfaction. Regardless, I would lose respect for her and she should have known better, clearly, there were anger and jealousy parts to her or she could have easily put that aside....to have it "notarized" mean she wanted to bear no responsibility in the hurt it caused, she/it stinks, sorry thats just how I see it. HUGS to your DH, Id say that he should trash it and forget it, but thats just me....

 

[Andtototoo]

Your FIL was a coward. A two-faced coward at that.

He made the deliberate choice not to deliver this statement before his death when your dh could respond. Why? Because he didn't have enough guts to handle the results. But behind his back and for months he was planning on delivering a coup de grace -- when he couldn't have any repercussions from it.

That is the act of a back-stabbing coward.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The letter is dated last September - 7 months before he died. Instructed to be delivered after he died. He even had it notarized. I'm not sure what that was supposed to accomplish.

Hmmm...who does stuff like that? Oh I know, how about Satan!

 

[bumbershoot]

Just awful.

If his mom is that bad, your husband surely knows this already. So there's just no point for what his father did.

My stepdad is annoying, and I keep in touch with him b/c of the tenuous hold that "he was the best husband my mom had" has on me (and b/c we're step-cousins but we're "once removed" along with the step so...), but if he EVER pulled anything like that he'd never hear from me again.

So I can't imagine a relationship with the stepmom ever again, since she had a helpful hand in this and KNEW what her husband was doing AND didn't warn your husband about what was in the letter! At the very least she could have encouraged her husband to put in a few kind words about his son....

 

[luvmy3]

Would you have wanted that message to be that he thinks that the person you get half of your DNA from is a warped, twisted, and uncaring person?

I would have. My mother left me when I was young and never looked back, she died last year. We were estranged, we hadn't spoken in over a decade, she had never met any of my kids. I spent my life wondering why she left, my father didn't have any answers either, so it was always there in the back of my mind. When she died, I fooled myself into thinking I would get some kind of answers, I ran to the mailbox everyday for a couple months to see if maybe someone found some letter she had addressed to me before she died. It never came, and I'm still left wondering how a mother could walk away from her child. As much as it would have hurt to see those kinds of words about my father, at least I would have some sort of closure. I would also know that what she said was just her own warped opinion, because I know my father and I know exactly who he was, she had no clue. The truth is I would rather have a letter talking about some great memories she had before she left, but I would have been happy with something, even a letter like your dh got.
I know its not the same situation since it sounds like your dh had a different relationship with his father than I had with my mother. However maybe your FIL thought your dh needed to know why he and his mom weren't still married? Please know I'm not defending how it was done, just giving another perspective on why it may have been.

 

[JessicaR]

With all do respect, I'm not sure it's awful. It may not have been what the son wanted to hear, but maybe his dad just wanted to clear the air? Unfinished business? Seems like it was very important to his dad to go to the trouble to have it notarized, and such specific delivery instructions.
I wish my dad had been able to write me a letter before he died.......because sure would have liked to have one final message from him.

With all due respect, I think its awful that his Dads last words to his son spewed hatred for his mother and contained not a word about his affection towards his son. Pretty awful in my book.

 

[tvguy]

With all due respect, I think its awful that his Dads last words to his son spewed hatred for his mother and contained not a word about his affection towards his son. Pretty awful in my book.

Next week marks 44 years since my dad passed, so a message from my dad, not it's content..... might be of greater importance to me than others.

 

[ols386]

Your FIL was a coward. A two-faced coward at that.

He made the deliberate choice not to deliver this statement before his death when your dh could respond. Why? Because he didn't have enough guts to handle the results. But behind his back and for months he was planning on delivering a coup de grace -- when he couldn't have any repercussions from it.

That is the act of a back-stabbing coward.

That's EXACTLY the thought that came into my mind.

If I were in the op's husband's shoes, I think I would be feeling a lot of hurt and anger towards my deceased father. And the really stinky part of it is, now that the dh has received and read the letter, he cannot even respond.

 

[ols386]

Next week marks 44 years since my dad passed, so a message from my dad, not it's content..... might be of greater importance to me than others.

You are sure entitled to feel the way you feel about it, but I would not feel that way at all. I'd be ticked at my father.

 

[Ephany]

Cruel and cowardly.

 

[shortbun]

The letter is dated last September - 7 months before he died. Instructed to be delivered after he died. He even had it notarized. I'm not sure what that was supposed to accomplish.

I'm so, so sorry. Your FIL must have been very angry and then a little crazy to torture his son with that letter after his death.

If you could gently encourage your husband to talk to a professional, someone who could without emotion-listen to him and lead him to a resolution of this so he can move on. I know I would be crippled by something like that for a long time. I would have so many strong emotions and to have no one to go to and yell it out....awful.

 

[shortbun]

Your DH should not give the step mother any satisfaction over this at all. I would never mention it and if she asks what he thought of the letter, change the subject. It was obviously meant to be hurtful.

He could tell her he didn't have the courage to read it and burned it.