Let's Debate Over-Protecting Our Kids

[mhsjax]

I know that there are over protective parents out there, most of my friends aren't too bad. We all have our little areas that we may seem over protective, and other areas where we are not .

My DD 12 would have walked the 5 houses home from the school, especially since she was with a friend. I am assuming that tons of kids were there. Now at 8:00 at night by herself on a main road, maybe not. Also I do drive my DS 14 to high school, but that is only so he can sleep a little later, he has a crazy schedule after school and is up very late. Also we sometimes pick him up, so he doesn't have to ride the bus home, his stop is a pretty good distance, and it is just too dang hot with his ROTC uniform and back pack. He sweats enough doing 2-3 hours Tae Kwon Do 3 times a week.

I will be letting my DS14 and DS 11 walk around Hollywood Studios alone while their sister is competing at the studios, no need for them to sit there for hours waiting on her, they both have cells, and I feel that they will be fine.

I have never interfered with a teacher, although there is one right now that I would love to deal with but DD says not to, so I won't. I don't interfere with coaching. All in all , I think I am a very average parent, as far as not being over protective.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Okay,

So I was having a discussion about the whole misconception around stay at home moms and working moms, but the discussion has evolved past that. So I will relate my story:

I have a 14 year old daughter, a freshman in high school. We live 5 houses away from the junior high (I counted them) you can literally see the gym door of the junior high from my front door. Over the summer the school sponsored a pep rally thing for the incoming freshman, to kind of welcome them to high school. It was held, on a Friday in the junior high gym from 6-8pm. My daughter went with her BFF. The plan was for them to go to the rally then come spend the night at our house. Strangely enough someone dropped them off after the rally. My daughter told me it was "Suzy's" mom. ummm... okay 5 houses...it's her gas. I later ran into Suzy's mom who made this comment to me, "I drove older daughter and BFF home from the rally. I know you work, so you probably weren't home, I'm sure you don't want your daughter walking around at night, and I know that BFF's mom wouldn't. I know you are busy, so let me know when the girls need a ride." Now, I took this as a not so subtle jab that because I work I neglect my kids, but when I posed this to someone else the answer I got was, "Oh she was just worried. It only takes a minute for something to happen, really 14 year olds should not be out at night alone and unsupervised." Ummm... I did mention there are 5 houses between my house and the school. It's a distance of about 50-75 yards.

So that started a discussion about how children are more babied now days. Around here, no kids walk to school, at any age, regardless of how short the walk is, or how nice the weather is. At the 1st sign of trouble the parent is at the school defending them "not my little Ralphie!" even if the evidence was indisputable that Ralphie did it. My friends 10 year old son, a month older than mine, has no jobs in the home. Another's 10 year old daughter says "My job is school and karate." On the DIS here I have even heard parents say they don't make their children do chores at home "because their activities take up too much time." ...don't even get me started on strollers in WDW for big kids.... head on over to the family board for that! I have a co-worker who told me how she follwed her 11 and 12 year olds in the car when they wanted to ride their bikes 3 blocks, in a very upscale suburban neighborhood with no major streets.

The thing is we hear so often about how kids "grow up so fast" but it seems to me that there has been a lot of backlash against this. It's a really strange dichotomy to me. I see a lot of kids who have parents who hover and try to keep them in a bubble, but also, strangely, have little rules, structure, or consequences for their kids. (the aforementioned co-worker with the 11 and 12 year old... her kids stole her credit card and charged something online, she thought an appropriate consequence was 1 day without playstation)

I think kids need to start with baby steps that help teach them independence and responsibility. If my 3 year old leaves her Barbie on the floor and the dog chews her head off (that happened LOL) then it's "Oh well, you should have picked up your toy." If my 14 year old doesn't do her math homework and gets a "D" (also happened) then it's her "D" and she will walk her very hot butt to summer school at 8am to improve the grade. I will not go to the teacher and beg her for make-up work.

Thoughts? Experiences?

In this case, it was a jab to you for sure. This woman would be someone I watch over my shoulder for. She sounds like the local witchy gossip.

I also have a 14yodd who is a freshman and I would have picked them up if I had a guest spending the night. I would just consider that common courtesy for my guest and nothing to do with being "babied" or "overprotective".

 

[Mkrop]

To clarify... we do not have buses unless you are special needs. Our town is only a mile square with it's own school system. We have 3 elementary schools, a jr. high, and a high school. The vast majority of parents drive their kids to school regardless of distance or weather. ...and this is all ages, not just elementary.

A little description of my street. There are only houses on 1 side of the street. The school is on the opposite side. There are 5 houses between mine and the school. Honestly, by the time we got out on the street in the car with all the traffic dropping kids off, my daughter could have walked there and found a seat... lol. It is a very safe neighborhood. I think a 14 year old is more than mature enough to walk 5 houses.

As for the food thing, we are the same way. You get what is cooked. I would never make a child eat something they truly hate, but if you are just refusing to eat because you are holding out for nuggets or pizza you are going to be very hungry come breakfast time. On an aside with beef taretare I have a nice pic of my then 2 year old sitting on my lap at Yachtman's steak house eating my taretare.

ETA: as I am thinking about it, it almost seems that this coddling thing has become a form of bragging. Almost like saying "I'm a better or maybe more interested parent because I baby or cater to my kids." It's like "I care more." because I drive my kids everywhere, or I do their school projects, or I hover over them regardless of what they do. Really, just read some of the "Does My 8 Year Old Need A Stroller?" Threads on the family board. You would think that those of us who "make" our kids walk are forcing them on the Bataan death march.....

Really...I see you doing the exact same thing, bragging...like hey look at me I am a better parent bc I do xy and z.


I think we all do things we feel comfortable with. We live in a neighborhood that I kind of have to drive my kids everywhere bc otherwise they would be cutting through people's yards, their school is on a major highway and there are no walkers so this is a nonissue. I walked all over creation when I was younger (I am 42) and I resented it bc all my friends were driven where ever they needed to go. I had to walk bc my mom did not drive. And many times safety was an issue and my parents SHOULD have been more concerned.

As for the picky eaters, myself and my brothers were all picky eaters, I was the least of the 3. Now all grown up, I am the worst of them. The kid who only would eat hamburgers and pancakes, now eats all kinds of foods. So I dont worry about picky eaters. My dad when he was alive made dinner time a complete battleground, I find that completely unnecessary. I dont particularly cater to my kids but I also dont force them to eat certain things. Youngest DS had sensory issues, oldest DS might have them too but was never Dx. But Oldest DS was the kid who didnt like pizza until a year ago, he was fun at a lmao: but one day he asked to try it again and he liked it but he prefers certain places. I think both of my kids will be fine without dealing with issues about eating.

I rarely get involved in school issues if I can help it. I volunteer a lot so if the teachers have a concern, there have been a lot with youngest DS, they seek me out.

So we all have certain levels of comfort and we adapt to what works with our kids, and it can also be heavily influenced with what worked or what didnt when we were child. But I find that both EXTREMES like to brag about what a better parent they are. And frankly there are so many things that were done in the "olden" days like no seatbelts etc that sometimes we dont need to revert back to then

 

[kellyg403]

I have never been one to coddle the kids. We live about 1/2 mile from the mall, resturaunts, and the movie theather. They walk over there all the time and have since they were 12. Its all sidewalks straight to it. I have no desire to let my children grow up with out some basic life skills like doing laundry and cooking. I understand every parent is different and if that is what you feel better doing, more power to you.

It can be really bad. Right now I am dealing with an issue at my work. One of the workers is 21 yo and her mom is constantly calling work for her. She lost her paycheck what does she need to do, she is failing school so she can't work past 8pm (mind you she works till 10 3 days a week normally..if her mom checked her facebook she would see where the failing is coming from) etc. I continually have to tell her I need to hear from the employee as she is over 18. Last time I got to hear a few choice words before I hung up the phone. It boggles my mind. Really.

5 houses and I would definitely have no problem. I grew up in the DC area and we were really young when we were taking the bus to the metro to DC and we would walk around with our friends and come back again. I remember doing that as a freshman in hs...pretty sure there were restrictions on when we had to be back. And this was way before cell phones, once we were out the door we didn't checkin by telephone unless there was a problem or we wanted to plead for extension in curfew...

I do think there are too many kids who are not being given the wings to find out how to navigate the world. I find the coping abilities of some to be pretty poor. I had another employee, 19, when we were doing a pizza party. I asked her to call and order 5 pizzas, she couldn't figure out how to do it since she had never ordered pizza before. I was stunned, then I showed her how to dial the number and give her order. My kids can order off the internet and watch its progression so they know when to be at the door!

Kelly

 

[Poohforyou]

I agree about not letting kids wander around at night alone but 8pm on a summer evening doesn't fit that criteria IMO. It isn't even dark at that hour. If it had been 10 or 11pm I probably would have gone outside to a point where I could see the kids walking towards the house. I certainly wouldn't have driven that distance to get them.

That other mother would be shocked at the distance I let my DD go on her bike with a friend and a cell phone. It's way out of my sight. We started with baby steps and she's proven to be very responsible.

As parents how are we supposed to teach our children how to stay safe when they are out on their own if we never allow them out of our sight? A child doesn't magically gain these skills overnight in their sleep.

 

[MrsPete]

I pretty much agree with you. As for the walking at night, I might tell my dd to text me when she was leaving and I'd watch for her, but I definitely agree driving them 5 houses was ridiculous! That's no farther than a reasonable parking spot at a busy school activity might be.

Yeah, for a 14-year old, this is my comfort zone. Text me when you leave. I wish I'd lived 5 houses down from the school when my kids were that age. How convenient.

I also think fear (spurred by large amounts of coverage of rare occurrences and an a distorted sense of the true safety issues) is a piece.

I agree. I'm thinking of that little girl who was kidnapped from a bus stop while her stepfather was watching from his house several doors down. While that is a genuinely horrific story, it's not something that happens on a regular basis. So you have to draw a line between protecting your child and being reasonable.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...The thing is we hear so often about how kids "grow up so fast" but it seems to me that there has been a lot of backlash against this. It's a really strange dichotomy to me. I see a lot of kids who have parents who hover and try to keep them in a bubble, but also, strangely, have little rules, structure, or consequences for their kids...

I think you've really called it here. There are so many ways that children grow up faster nowadays, that the reaction is to grow up slower in other ways. They are doing different things at different times than they used to. I think it's partly that the kids can only put their energy into so many changes at once, and partly that the parents see the push in hard-to-control areas, and therefore pull back in areas where they can.

...Something that strikes me as absurd is the treatment of picky eaters. Why cater to it? It's just enforcing the habit...

I unfortunately have experience with this one. When DS was about two, he was having trouble gaining weight. After some scary tests came back OK, his pediatrician referred us to a nutritionist who actually told us to cater to the whole "kid food" thing to get him to eat. Seen as a stable, financially secure couple, we were treated respectfully through it all, but we knew a young single mom going through the same thing, and the authorities did a home study on her because they thought she wasn't feeding her child enough! If we've had problems getting over the bad habits that phase set up, I can imagine she was terrified and would have given her kid whatever he'd eat. So I can see how bad patterns get established.

...I think, like you OP, that learning bit by bit like this is how they grow best.

I agree with this as well - more and more freedom, gradually over time.

 

[mjkacmom]

Hmm, I live less than 10 miles from NYC. Ds13 went to the dance on Friday, with friends, then they went out to eat, and then walked home. Dd15's curfew is 11 on the weekends. She usually hangs at a friend's house, and her boyfriend walks her home. My youngest are preparing to walk to school right now (after eating the breakfasts they made themselves). They will see a lot of walkers along the way. Ds13 had choir this morning before school, so dad gave him a ride. As usual, his friends showed up here, because everyone forgot about choir. Otherwise, ds would've walked with them. I assume dd15 is at school, made herself breakfast, and grabbed some lunch money.

I'm so glad I live here.

 

[badblackpug]

Really...I see you doing the exact same thing, bragging...like hey look at me I am a better parent bc I do xy and z.


I think we all do things we feel comfortable with. We live in a neighborhood that I kind of have to drive my kids everywhere bc otherwise they would be cutting through people's yards, their school is on a major highway and there are no walkers so this is a nonissue. I walked all over creation when I was younger (I am 42) and I resented it bc all my friends were driven where ever they needed to go. I had to walk bc my mom did not drive. And many times safety was an issue and my parents SHOULD have been more concerned.

As for the picky eaters, myself and my brothers were all picky eaters, I was the least of the 3. Now all grown up, I am the worst of them. The kid who only would eat hamburgers and pancakes, now eats all kinds of foods. So I dont worry about picky eaters. My dad when he was alive made dinner time a complete battleground, I find that completely unnecessary. I dont particularly cater to my kids but I also dont force them to eat certain things. Youngest DS had sensory issues, oldest DS might have them too but was never Dx. But Oldest DS was the kid who didnt like pizza until a year ago, he was fun at a lmao: but one day he asked to try it again and he liked it but he prefers certain places. I think both of my kids will be fine without dealing with issues about eating.

I rarely get involved in school issues if I can help it. I volunteer a lot so if the teachers have a concern, there have been a lot with youngest DS, they seek me out.

So we all have certain levels of comfort and we adapt to what works with our kids, and it can also be heavily influenced with what worked or what didnt when we were child. But I find that both EXTREMES like to brag about what a better parent they are. And frankly there are so many things that were done in the "olden" days like no seatbelts etc that sometimes we dont need to revert back to then

Let me reiterate.... we live on the SAME street as the school. There are exactly 5 houses between ours and the school. There are only houses on our side of the street. The school is on the other side. It would, literally, take me more time to get in the car, fasten seat belts, and then back it out onto the street than it would for anyone to actually walk to the school. The total distance is probably, at a maximum, 75 yards. We live in a very small, very low crime town. Certainly if I thought my children were in any danger they would have been chaperoned.

As for the food thing. I have 4 kids, no one has a neurological disorder or any type of food allergies. I refuse to be a short-order cook. You can find something you like on the table or you can go hungry. There is no battle about it. I don't have the time or the inclination to cater to everyone's whims.

My 14 year old routinely babysits for her younger siblings. I can entrust her with their care and safety, but I don't think she can manage to navigate 75 yards without direct supervision?

Funny thing about the bus stop (we don't have busing) but, one of the developments that I pass on the way home is a very upscale, gated development that is 2 blocks deep and 3 blocks long. Every morning on my way home from work, regardless of the weather, I see a line of mini vans and SUVs sitting at the entrance of the development. The one morning I got stuck behind the bus I was amazed to see how many of the children that got out of the bus were at least Jr high school age. The funny thing is a lot of the moms are standing on the road in the PJs with their coffee mugs talking while the kids sit in the car and wait for the bus.

I think kids need to develop independence and responsibility at an early age starting with age appropriate activities/tasks. So they can develop into productive adults. I have told this story before, but I think it's relevant. My friend is an ER doctor, she oversees a residency program. She had a 2nd year resident (so we are talking someone who was probably about 28 yrs old) from another program doing his ER rotation. He disappeared for several hours during the day leaving patients who needed to be cared for. She was angry with him and told him to leave the department all together and not to expect a positive review from her. The next day she was called into her directors office, and sitting there in the office was the residents MOTHER. Here was a man that wanted to be responsible for people's lives, yet he called his mommy when he got scolded?

 

[mjkacmom]

Our school system implemented a policy last year that required all students living within a mile of school to walk in order to save money on busing. There was a fairly big up roar, especially when parents brought up sex offenders living in the area.
.

Wow, in our town, everyone is within 1 1/2 miles of their school - we have no buses. We don't need them, because everyone is within walking distance.

 

[Mkrop]

Let me reiterate.... we live on the SAME street as the school. There are exactly 5 houses between ours and the school. There are only houses on our side of the street. The school is on the other side. It would, literally, take me more time to get in the car, fasten seat belts, and then back it out onto the street than it would for anyone to actually walk to the school. The total distance is probably, at a maximum, 75 yards. We live in a very small, very low crime town. Certainly if I thought my children were in any danger they would have been chaperoned.

As for the food thing. I have 4 kids, no one has a neurological disorder or any type of food allergies. I refuse to be a short-order cook. You can find something you like on the table or you can go hungry. There is no battle about it. I don't have the time or the inclination to cater to everyone's whims.

My 14 year old routinely babysits for her younger siblings. I can entrust her with their care and safety, but I don't think she can manage to navigate 75 yards without direct supervision?

Funny thing about the bus stop (we don't have busing) but, one of the developments that I pass on the way home is a very upscale, gated development that is 2 blocks deep and 3 blocks long. Every morning on my way home from work, regardless of the weather, I see a line of mini vans and SUVs sitting at the entrance of the development. The one morning I got stuck behind the bus I was amazed to see how many of the children that got out of the bus were at least Jr high school age. The funny thing is a lot of the moms are standing on the road in the PJs with their coffee mugs talking while the kids sit in the car and wait for the bus.

I think kids need to develop independence and responsibility at an early age starting with age appropriate activities/tasks. So they can develop into productive adults. I have told this story before, but I think it's relevant. My friend is an ER doctor, she oversees a residency program. She had a 2nd year resident (so we are talking someone who was probably about 28 yrs old) from another program doing his ER rotation. He disappeared for several hours during the day leaving patients who needed to be cared for. She was angry with him and told him to leave the department all together and not to expect a positive review from her. The next day she was called into her directors office, and sitting there in the office was the residents MOTHER. Here was a man that wanted to be responsible for people's lives, yet he called his mommy when he got scolded?

And maybe the mom is your example was being overprotective and where you live is safe to walk those 5 blocks or maybe she saw something that did make her uncomfortable and thought best to have the girls in the car. But like I said not everyone lives in neighborhoods like that. I think I live in a safe neighborhood but loigistically I can not give my children the independence I had growing up to walk anywhere. But despite living in a safe suburb, we have had several notices and phone chains sent home from the school district of kids trying to be lured into cars. One day I looked out my door and a PI was set up right at our bus stop staring at the stop and the kids getting off. He flashed a badge at me. I called the nonemergency line, turns out he was legit, was watching my neighbor for insurance fraud. But having him sit at a bus stop was not the smartest move, and the police agreed and asked him to move away from it. So I live in safe neighborhood but that day until he was told to move, I kept a closer watch than normal.

There were also be extremes like the ER student. I do think those moms are over the top. But just like they brag, so do the opposite extreme. The Hands Off mom likes to brag just as much that she is that way as well. Some of the stories I hear from them in the name of not being overprotective borders on neglect.

There needs to be a happy medium.

And even my child who would not eat the pizza for several years, knew how to order one! I even made him call and order me Chinese while I was driving and he wont touch that stuff with a 10 ft pole!

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Original post
NHdisneylover~

here are a few examples from the last 6 months or so (note, things may be different in the elementary schools which are grades 1-4, my youngest was in 5th grade when we moved here):

-schools let the kids leave early when teachers were sick--no subs (true of grade 5 and up, and no they do not call the parents)

**~That would never happen here, the school and parents would have a stroke.


-no paperwork was sent home about field trips, you only know about it because your child tells you they need money for it r special clothes or whatnot

**~ Also would never happen, they likee their forms and you need to sign before you are allowed to have your child go on a trip

-kids are released directly from the field trip location, or maybe the main train station, but not taken back to school after a field trip

**~ BAHAHAHHAHAAAAA...um, no. Not happening.

-the school needs something from the store so they send a student over to buy it

**~ That might actually constitute some kind of neglect here, the school would never allow it.

-kids all carry their own meds on them and no one thinks a thing of it

**~ Kids can't even carry Tylenol or allergy meds here, they find out you have them, you get suspended for a day.

-the teacher asks students to bring their pocket knives to school so they can whittle

**~ OH MY GOSH, no way Jose. That would be contradictory to their "no weapons" paper that the child and you must sign...EVERY YEAR.

-traditional end of the year sleep overs at school have one male chaperon who sleeps several rooms away from the kids (8th and 9th grade)

**~ End of year sleepover? Nope. This also would never happen. It would be too much trouble and too many "things" could happen. I don't know if any male teacher would even volunteer.

-the only reason I know when they cover sex ed or what they did is that my kid tells me. Otherwise, it is just part of the curriculum and no fuss is made about it with the kids or the parents

**~ Another "need a signed note" moment.

 

[badblackpug]

And maybe the mom is your example was being overprotective and where you live is safe to walk those 5 blocks or maybe she saw something that did make her uncomfortable and thought best to have the girls in the car. But like I said not everyone lives in neighborhoods like that. I think I live in a safe neighborhood but loigistically I can not give my children the independence I had growing up to walk anywhere. But despite living in a safe suburb, we have had several notices and phone chains sent home from the school district of kids trying to be lured into cars. One day I looked out my door and a PI was set up right at our bus stop staring at the stop and the kids getting off. He flashed a badge at me. I called the nonemergency line, turns out he was legit, was watching my neighbor for insurance fraud. But having him sit at a bus stop was not the smartest move, and the police agreed and asked him to move away from it. So I live in safe neighborhood but that day until he was told to move, I kept a closer watch than normal.

There were also be extremes like the ER student. I do think those moms are over the top. But just like they brag, so do the opposite extreme. The Hands Off mom likes to brag just as much that she is that way as well. Some of the stories I hear from them in the name of not being overprotective borders on neglect.

There needs to be a happy medium.

And even my child who would not eat the pizza for several years, knew how to order one! I even made him call and order me Chinese while I was driving and he wont touch that stuff with a 10 ft pole!

Just to clarify... we live 5 HOUSES from the school.... not blocks. Maybe 1/2 a block.

...and my kids can order pizza and Chinese, too. ...and would do it, gladly, every day, if I let them! They even have the menu numbers memorized!

 

[deegack]

I agree op. When dd goes to school her school is one block about six houses away with a cross guard on the corner. I said dd would walk in first grade maybe even kindergarten and people here jumped all over me and someone even said CPs would be called ( I am a foster mother and Cps would laugh at that call). At two dd has some responsibilities like puttin her dinner plate in the sink or dishwasher. Of course i help but she knows to do it an loves it, she claps for herself when done. She eats what we eat for the mist part unless it's really spicy. If she doesn't eat no dessert if any is offered.
People think I Am too strict, even my own sister whose kids run around like crazy, but dd is as well behaved as a two year old can be and is a happy kid.

 

[spacemountainmom]

It's amazing to me how much things have changed since I was a kid in the 70's. When I started Kindergarten, the school provided busing for each and every kindergartener. My parents and several others in the neighborhood said no thank you since we would not riding the bus any other year. We all managed the walk and lived to tell about it.

We live far enough away that my kids rode the bus to elementary and middle school. The high school is close enough to walk. My mom would get all irritated because as the kids got older, I would send them out to the bus stop (which is located at the house next door or the house kitty corner from ours) alone. Seriously? I can see the stops from my front window.

My mother also pitched a fit when my dd started high school. She could not believe I was making her walk. My mother was concerned that a 14 year old was walking 6 blocks up her own street to get to school. WOW!

It's funny because my mom wasn't that uptight when we were kids. She had a few things that she didn't like, but now she worries about everything. I give my kids age-appropriate freedoms and my sibling is waaaay over protective. It will be interesting to see how my nieces grow up. They are much younger than my kids so I can't really compare apples to apples right now.

I must agree with other posters in that we can't over protect our kids to the point of not letting them grow up. How can you expect a kid to drive a car or function at 18 if they've never been given the chance to test their wings?

 

[Colleen27]

Somewhere along the line we've become a culture obsessed with risk reduction. If I had a dollar for every time some other parent has said something to me along the lines of knowing that the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of everything being fine but not wanting their child to be the one in a million where it isn't, I'd have enough DVC points to spend the whole winter in sunny Florida!

Just look at some of the conversations that happen on the family board about kids and flying. 91 million people flew in '08 alone. From 1980 to 2008 there have been 3 turbulence-related deaths and 300 injuries. But suggest flying with a lap baby or bringing a toddler on an airplane without a car seat and check out the reactions! It doesn't matter that the odds of a problem are one in MANY millions, you're a neglectful cheapskate parent if you don't take steps to prevent your child being that one.

I'm not sure how we got to that place. I think a lot of it has to do with parenting-by-expert-advice replacing the handing down of traditional wisdom and common sense from one generation to the next, and I think it also has a lot to do with the media overload we live in. It would be very easy for anyone who watches the news or reads the paper on a regular basis to develop the feeling that predators and disaster are lurking everywhere, because those are the stories that get/keep people's attention so they're done to death. And finally, I think the loss of connections to community/neighbors has a part too. Growing up we knew every family on our block, and that makes it easier to let kids go out and play than when the people right next door are virtual strangers and you've never even met many of the people who live around you. But in time-strapped modern America I think the latter is far more common now that the former.

 

[deegack]

Oh the medical resident story may not be as uncommon as you think. I use to work for a law school in student services and every semester I had multiple parents call to 1) discuss their child's schedule 2) complain about a child's grade 3) ask if I can tell them is child is not attending class 4) visit their sick child and bring food. The child was not in the hospitL just home with a bad cold/ virus/ flu whatnot. They were also indignant when I told them no to everything. These are kids who in a few years or months would be representing people in court.

 

[Katy Belle]

I am a mom who tends to be over protective and fight myself on it every day. I know I need to let up and I do try, and am successful a lot of the time, other times not so much.

As for walking 5 houses at 8pm with a friend. Sure, no problem.... unless my spidey senses go off and there is a weird vibe... or the kid that is supposed to be doing the walking feels a weird vibe... then they could call and I'd walk the 5 houses to meet them.

We lived overseas for over 5 years, in the middle east, and were exposed to many different cultures. So interesting. In general, the local kids, were in some ways given great freedom and some ways none...they were generally supervised by nannies or drivers, all the time. The nannies would come into the school and carry backpacks for the kids, even old kids! The American Principal would tell them to let the kid carry their own backpack

Several of my European friends let their kids be way more independent than I was comfortable with. Some 11 yr olds could call a taxi and go on their way. I let me kids ride in taxi's with drivers we pre-approved or private drivers, and never just one kid, and not as young as 11, but by 13 probably.

We moved back to America a year ago and my oldest was 15. I had a hard time letting him ride with other teenagers, but I did. I had a hard time letting him go to peoples houses, people that I had never met the parents, and sometimes I had never met the kids... but I did. I've taught him well and its time to trust him, but its still very hard for me.

This weekend at a Boy Scout event I watched as a 12 yr old picked on my 11 yr old. I so wanted to step in, but I didn't, I waited. Finally....my 11 yr old took care of it himself. But it was really, really hard watching and waiting. Im glad I did. And I'm still mad at the 12 yr old

I know my kids should be doing more chores and taking responsibility for more things, but I find it hard to keep up with it. I'm a SAHM home alone during the day, its pretty easy for me to take care of all the household needs. I know its time to make them do a majority of their own laundry, cleaning, etc, I want them to be self sufficient in a few years, I need to let them be now. They do help out, but they should be doing more.

I do not fight battles with teachers, never have, but I sometimes want to. I do coach them on what they need to do.

I have never been a short order cook. All 3 of my kids eat what is on the table, or don't eat. Usually there is something they will eat... bread if nothing else. All 3 can cook basic meals, even the 11 yr old, but they should be doing more, should be responsible for some of the cooking.

I do think its a balance and as parents we are probably strong in some areas and week in others. I KNOW my goal is to raise kiddos that can take care of themselves as adults, and I'm trying to remember that every day.

 

[Mkrop]

Let me reiterate.... we live on the SAME street as the school. There are exactly 5 houses between ours and the school. There are only houses on our side of the street. The school is on the other side. It would, literally, take me more time to get in the car, fasten seat belts, and then back it out onto the street than it would for anyone to actually walk to the school. The total distance is probably, at a maximum, 75 yards. We live in a very small, very low crime town. Certainly if I thought my children were in any danger they would have been chaperoned.

As for the food thing. I have 4 kids, no one has a neurological disorder or any type of food allergies. I refuse to be a short-order cook. You can find something you like on the table or you can go hungry. There is no battle about it. I don't have the time or the inclination to cater to everyone's whims.

My 14 year old routinely babysits for her younger siblings. I can entrust her with their care and safety, but I don't think she can manage to navigate 75 yards without direct supervision?

Funny thing about the bus stop (we don't have busing) but, one of the developments that I pass on the way home is a very upscale, gated development that is 2 blocks deep and 3 blocks long. Every morning on my way home from work, regardless of the weather, I see a line of mini vans and SUVs sitting at the entrance of the development. The one morning I got stuck behind the bus I was amazed to see how many of the children that got out of the bus were at least Jr high school age. The funny thing is a lot of the moms are standing on the road in the PJs with their coffee mugs talking while the kids sit in the car and wait for the bus.

I think kids need to develop independence and responsibility at an early age starting with age appropriate activities/tasks. So they can develop into productive adults. I have told this story before, but I think it's relevant. My friend is an ER doctor, she oversees a residency program. She had a 2nd year resident (so we are talking someone who was probably about 28 yrs old) from another program doing his ER rotation. He disappeared for several hours during the day leaving patients who needed to be cared for. She was angry with him and told him to leave the department all together and not to expect a positive review from her. The next day she was called into her directors office, and sitting there in the office was the residents MOTHER. Here was a man that wanted to be responsible for people's lives, yet he called his mommy when he got scolded?

Just to clarify... we live 5 HOUSES from the school.... not blocks. Maybe 1/2 a block.

...and my kids can order pizza and Chinese, too. ...and would do it, gladly, every day, if I let them! They even have the menu numbers memorized!

Sorry OP 5 houses 5 blocks, that is the no caffiene kicking in, affects my reading comprehension But seriously in some neighborhoods 5 blocks would not be an issue, in other neighborhoods in could very well be. My kids cant go 5 blocks from home bc there is a major road with no sidewalks on it. Some neighbors let them cut through yards but when there is snow, even this is not possible.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

I think we need to work more on what they are going to do when they hit 18 and don't magically turn into responsible adults.

You NEED to give them independence so they can learn how to be an adult. I don't like taking chances anymore than anyone else, but at 12 years old my kid should be able to walk around the block with a friend or walk the dog or stay home for a couple hours while I food shop, or go to the doctors, whatever.

When I was 12 I was babysitting till 1AM. I wouldn't let my child do that. She's not prepared for it. So I'm setting her up with a babysitting course so she can learn. I learned hands on with my nephew, who lived with us when I was younger. She hasn't had that much experience.

I think fostering a sense of independence in the child is definitely to their benefit and something a lot of kids aren't getting these days.