Let me have your honest opinion! Re: finances and husband

[Gumbo4x4]

You are carrying the lion's share of family expenses as it is. He is not entitled to any part of your bonus. If he needs/wants more money for his car or other expenses, he can get a better or a second job. It's nice for you to share your bonus, but his attitude stinks.

OP has often bragged about weekly concerts, often out of town with overnight stays, sometimes sharing rooms with male friends.

As opposed to an attitude issue, it sounds like he is pretty easy going. There's always more to the story.

 

[disykat]

This isn't the first thread where I've seen the OP casually mention that she earns triple what her husband does (unless there is another poster from Chicago who earns triple what her husband does and keeps seperate accounts?). I hope this is not lorded over him at home too. If you are married it shouldn't come down to the bean counting of who is making more. Spend the money on something for you both...no different than if it was the man who got a great bonus, I personally would think he was selfish for spending it all on himself as well.

I'd cut OP slack on that one. We talk about a lot of things on this forum that we probably never talk about in person - at least I know I do. My friends IRL don't discuss money, but I find it interesting to do here. If someone wanted to stalk my posts they'd know quite a bit about anonymous me and about my finances. I know people IRL who are couples who have very differing incomes - me being one, but in the more traditional woman makes less because she was a SAHM way. We never talk about that kind of thing. But here, we talk about it often. I've never compared notes to see who keeps separate finances than their spouse IRL either, but here it comes up for discussion fairly frequently.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

OP has often bragged about weekly concerts, often out of town with overnight stays, sometimes sharing rooms with male friends.

As opposed to an attitude issue, it sounds like he is pretty easy going. There's always more to the story.

We can only give our responses based on the information that is presented to us. Not what "we think we know."

 

[low-key]

give the money to your husband and go make some sandwiches

 

[piccolopat]

OP has often bragged about weekly concerts, often out of town with overnight stays, sometimes sharing rooms with male friends. As opposed to an attitude issue, it sounds like he is pretty easy going. There's always more to the story.

You might be right about their relationship. I was only commenting on the finance issue. Perhaps my experience is different but since this couple separates their finances for just about everything, it seems odd to me that he expects a share of her bonus when he isn't contributing much to the household finances to begin with.

 

[robinb]

You might be right about their relationship. I was only commenting on the finance issue. Perhaps my experience is different but since this couple separates their finances for just about everything, it seems odd to me that he expects a share of her bonus when he isn't contributing much to the household finances to begin with.

Except they traditionally share her bonuses on things for both of them.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I don’t think you are wrong. And i would say the same thing if it were a man doing it.

I do separate bank accounts in my relationship but we split the bills 50/50. Did the same with my XH.

It’s ONE year that you want to do this with the bonus. My SO gets a yearly bonus that we use on a vacation. If he told me he wanted to use this years on something for himself i wouldn’t mind.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Just because they are married doesn't mean he just automatically gets half her bonus check as soon as it is deposited in the bank. If that's what marriage is, count me out, will never do it!

This is why I’ll never get married again. I don’t Want to share half my stuff. No thanks. I’m divorced and my ex was good about each of us walking away with our own money/property/possessions. There was no 50/50 since our finances were always separate. I know i got lucky and won’t risk it again.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I'd cut OP slack on that one. We talk about a lot of things on this forum that we probably never talk about in person - at least I know I do. My friends IRL don't discuss money, but I find it interesting to do here. If someone wanted to stalk my posts they'd know quite a bit about anonymous me and about my finances. I know people IRL who are couples who have very differing incomes - me being one, but in the more traditional woman makes less because she was a SAHM way. We never talk about that kind of thing. But here, we talk about it often. I've never compared notes to see who keeps separate finances than their spouse IRL either, but here it comes up for discussion fairly frequently.

Thanks - my posting in recent years has been less as topics I enjoy are no longer possible to discuss here. In the way back days there was a Debate Board that was great - Richyams and I disagreed on everything but it was fun debating. I like politics a lot so had to find a different forum. Then a few years ago a bunch of good posters left.
But I find the community board still has a good cross section of people - so I asked the question here. Do I share a bit more here? Of course - because it is anonymous. Hard to discuss in real life.
I do go to a lot of concerts, including those out of town and sometimes share rooms with male friends - but I am not sure what that has to do with the topic.

I will admit we have an atypical marriage, but it works for us.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

We can only give our responses based on the information that is presented to us. Not what "we think we know."

What’s presented is a case of each of them pretty much getting to do what they want whenever they want with the exception of this ONE incident that as of yet is unsettled. There’s no indication her DH has some sort of sweetheart deal that OP lacks.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Except they traditionally share her bonuses on things for both of them.

Exactly.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Thanks - my posting in recent years has been less as topics I enjoy are no longer possible to discuss here. In the way back days there was a Debate Board that was great - Richyams and I disagreed on everything but it was fun debating. I like politics a lot so had to find a different forum. Then a few years ago a bunch of good posters left.
But I find the community board still has a good cross section of people - so I asked the question here. Do I share a bit more here? Of course - because it is anonymous. Hard to discuss in real life.
I do go to a lot of concerts, including those out of town and sometimes share rooms with male friends - but I am not sure what that has to do with the topic.

I will admit we have an atypical marriage, but it works for us.

It wasn’t intended to be a slam on you, but rather to give a little perspective to those who have come to the conclusion your DH isn’t contributing much to the relationship just because he’s contributing less $. It’s clear you have a great deal of freedom in your relationship to do and spend as you please. That doesn’t exist with a sub-par partner (as he’s been painted by some here).

 

[LSUmiss]

This is why I’ll never get married again. I don’t Want to share half my stuff. No thanks. I’m divorced and my ex was good about each of us walking away with our own money/property/possessions. There was no 50/50 since our finances were always separate. I know i got lucky and won’t risk it again.

That’s an interesting sentiment. I am married & neither of us thinks of any of the stuff or $ as his or mine. It never even occurred to me that ppl would. We do share money & have for almost 20 years so maybe that’s why.

 

[jt'smom]

OP, first off, I admire a couple that has a happy marriage and doesn't worry about whether it fits societal "norms". Good for you! Second, I'd stick to my guns, give him the 2 grand, maybe throw in a new bong or something, and get your tune up. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

That’s an interesting sentiment. I am married & neither of us thinks of any of the stuff or $ as his or mine. It never even occurred to me that ppl would. We do share money & have for almost 20 years so maybe that’s why.

i know it’s not for everyone and that’s ok. I’ve been with my SO for 6 years and we rarely argue and never argue about money. Separate bank accounts. 50/50 on the bills. We have our own cars, 401k and savings. Nothing is joint except our home lease. When we buy we are undecided on whether to buy a house together or just in one persons name. It works for us and we are happy.

ETA: i should say the bills are more 60/40 since i make a touch more plus get child support. I feel that i should pay a bigger portion since my kids run up the bills (groceries, utilities, cell phone) and that shouldn’t be his responsibility.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Slightly off topic but the keeping finances separate seems like so much work. I can see dividing big, regular things like the mortgage but if you have an inequality in incomes constantly trying to figure out who pays what and if someone is owed money seems like a giant PIA. With a family tons of little things come up like needing new Christmas lights, dog needs a haircut, gift for the kid's teacher or a field trip, water bill is higher than normal, etc. I just can't wrap my mind around constantly figuring out who's paying for what, etc. Sounds like a big headache.

Our paycheques go into a joint account and we just share it all.

 

[LSUmiss]

i know it’s not for everyone and that’s ok. I’ve been with my SO for 6 years and we rarely argue and never argue about money. Separate bank accounts. 50/50 on the bills. We have our own cars, 401k and savings. Nothing is joint except our rental lease. When we buy we are undecided on whether to buy a house together or just in one persons name. It works for us and we are happy.

Not judging. I just thought it was interesting. Yeah I know ppl have to do what works for them.

 

[North of Mouse]

Could never live as husband and wife and not have everything jointly 'ours'. Could never be, you pay that, I'll pay this, this is mine, that is yours, type of marriage. We made the decision early on that after children I would stay home with them. Have not worked outside the home since - now, 50 years later, retired, traveling, and happy, and everything has always been shared and shared alike.

 

[gillep]

Slightly off topic but the keeping finances separate seems like so much work. I can see dividing big, regular things like the mortgage but if you have an inequality in incomes constantly trying to figure out who pays what and if someone is owed money seems like a giant PIA. With a family tons of little things come up like needing new Christmas lights, dog needs a haircut, gift for the kid's teacher or a field trip, water bill is higher than normal, etc. I just can't wrap my mind around constantly figuring out who's paying for what, etc. Sounds like a big headache.

Our paycheques go into a joint account and we just share it all.

I guess it just depends on what you are used to, having always had separate finances (together 14 years married 9), to me, it feels like it basically takes no effort. We hardly ever discuss finances, and have never once had a disagreement about finances. He has the bills he pays, and I have the bills I pay, we don't try to make things exactly equal, or even exact reflections of the % that each of us brings in, so no one ever owes the other money. We discuss if one of us feels like we are cutting it too close with expenses vs income, but that happens very rarely, for instance I paid for a large pool equipment upgrade this summer that ended up being twice as costly as I thought it would be, I told DH that I might need him to cover more incidentals on an upcoming trip that I originally booked and planned on paying for, but prior to that I can't remember the last time we changed things up. I pay for all of the household incidentals, so if the water bill is higher than expected, or we have an extra vet trip than we had planned on that's on me, if I feel like I am cutting it close that month we will talk about it, but it really very rarely ever happens. Some years I probably pay out more than would be my 'fair' share (based on percentages of income brought in) and some years he probably pays more, but we don't think about it that way.

That said, I think if asked we would both say that we feel like all of the money is 'our' money, we just each handle the part that we bring in independently. Even though I said that I consider DH's bonus his, I also know that if I told him I needed it for something he would have no issue with me spending it.

Different things work for different people, I can't imagine having truly pooled money, or discussing a $100 expense with DH, but that certainly works very well for others.

 

[disykat]

Me either, because I've always earned much less than DH and at many points nothing at all because of our joint decisions. We also went into the marriage on fairly equal footing and with no other responsibilities. However, I know many people who done finances differently successfully for many years.

My sister got married recently at age 57. I suggested to her what I heard Suze Orman suggest. Figure out your incomes by percentage, each put that percentage of the amount you need for housekeeping in an account for those expenses, then you each have a fair percentage for your other discretionary spending. I don't know what they decided though or if they ended up pooling everything. I really doubt they pooled everything at their ages.