Let me have your honest opinion! Re: finances and husband

[NHdisneylover]

PS - did anyone else have to google "dope?" I assumed it meant heroin, but apparently it can mean either heroin or marijuana. If OP lives where pot is legal maybe that's why she felt comfortable mentioning it.

Heroin?!?! I feel old now---it never ocurred to me that dope could refer to anyhting but marajuana

 

[scrapquitler]

Our finances have been 100% joint from day one. It has worked for us for 22 years.

I'd say that even with separate accounts that in a marriage everything is technically joint. At least it is legally in most states. I think that you should come to a decision together how to spend the money in your marriage. In most successful and happy marriages there is no me versus you. Like you said you are a team.

That doesn't mean no plastic surgery for you, necessarily - just that you need to come to the decision together.

This is what I think, too. We've been married 27 years. Are finances are joint 100% since day one. I haven't worked at all except of a very part time job for a couple years in 20 years. That doesn't mean that my husband gets to make all the financial decisions because he earns all the money. In fact, he usually asks me and will do whatever I suggest.

If you've always used your bonus for things that benefit both of you, I can see why he'd be questioning why it's all for you this time (or almost all for you). You just need to sit down together and decide what to do because you are a team.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

On one hand, you've established separate finances between you & DH and you say that works for you.

On the other, you've also established a pattern of sharing your annual bonus with him. Your history here indicates this level of bonus is nothing new or unexpected. So, I can see where he'd be miffed. He's always gotten a cut before, and he's probably come to expect (or even depend on) it.

I have no idea what any of this has to do with enjoying living in an expensive part of Chicago.

Is DH going on the birthday trip?

His "cut" is going to be that his wife is going to tune up her body. Granted, she is probably doing it for herself but he's going to enjoy the benefits of that.

Honestly, based on what I've read, it sounds like the husband has gotten a sweetheart deal and I don't understand his complaints here.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I wonder if the problem is actually money, or how the decision was made. The OP has said the money has ususally been spent on household upgrades or a trip for both of them. But, did the OP make the decision herself: "Honey, this year I'm using my bonus to go to Italy. Wanna come?" and "I'm using my bonus this year to redo the kitchen." or was it discussed as a team and you *both* decided what to spend it on?

If the OP always decides single-handedly how the money will be spent, and the spouse is just along for the ride, then this decision seems like a regular part of the marriage (although the spouse has benefited from the OP's decisions before and won't this time.) However, if you usually discuss as a team where the bonus will be spent, then I guess I don't blame him for being taken aback. Even if my DH wanted to spend his bonus on something just for himself, there would be a big difference between "Honey, I really want XYZ, and I was thinking I could use this year's bonus to buy it. What are your thoughts?" and "I know we've both benefited from my bonus before, but I want to buy XYZ this year and it's my money, so..."

Dude, the OP is paying all the household expenses. The husband gets to use his money on cars and fun stuff, while the wife pays everything else. If she wants to get some plastic surgery with her money, she can get it now and not have to explain herself to anyone.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I also wonder if some of the support for the OP would be as strong if the OP were a man and his wife earned less. I think there is so much more than who earns how much in any of these things. People contribute to relationships in many ways, financial being only one small part.

Exactly. I've always made more than DW - at one point, I was responsible for 82% of the household income. But, I've also had jobs that required extensive travel, long commutes, 60+ hour workweeks, etc,etc. And the ONLY way I was able to do that was with her support at home - running the kids here & there, shouldering more than her share of the household chores, even running my errand for me. No way are her contributions to our family "less".

 

[okeydokey]

I would say your husband is pretty fortunate that all he has to pay for is his car and insurance while you pay for all the household expenses. I say have the surgery you earned by working hard.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I also wonder if some of the support for the OP would be as strong if the OP were a man and his wife earned less. I think there is so much more than who earns how much in any of these things. People contribute to relationships in many ways, financial being only one small part.

Yes it would. If the OP were a man and he said he were paying all the household expenses, and the wife was using her money for spa retreats and yoga, and he wanted to use his money for a sports car, I would be totally fine with that too.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Except that she doesn't.

Pot has been decriminalized in Chicago. He is a pot head only. Would never be with a heroin user!
Lots of interesting opinions.
To clarify- I want to live downtown. DH would be just as happy in a cheaper suburb.
As far as his career? He is set - number 1 in seniority, 7 weeks vacation and pretty much unfireable.

Thanks for all the thoughts! Giving me a number of things to think about.
Running into Star Wars so I’ll be off the thread for a few hours.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I would say your husband is pretty fortunate that all he has to pay for is his car and insurance while you pay for all the household expenses. I say have the surgery you earned by working hard.

100% hell yes

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Yes it would. If the OP were a man and he said he were paying all the household expenses, and the wife was using her money for spa retreats and yoga, and he wanted to use his money for a sports car, I would be totally fine with that too.

Except that OP ALSO burns though significant cash on "fun" things as well - possibly even more than her DH.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

Except that OP ALSO burns though significant cash on "fun" things as well - possibly even more than her DH.

Of course she does but she does so AFTER taking care of all the household expenses. That is the important part. She apparently makes a lot of money so of course she is going to buy her clothes, purses, and concerts. Isn't that obvious?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

For anyone saying she should just go for it...... would your answer be the same if the husband had the big bonus and wanted to spend it on a boat or something only he wanted?

I did, actually, run the situation through my head in reverse before I posted a word!

Like some others here, DH and I have an unusual way of doing things compared to some traditionalists, so I thought the situation described in the OP (which I admittedly had to read several times to be sure I was clear) was fine, especially because a) it is a milestone birthday year and b) he was still getting a substantial amount of money to do whatever he wanted to do for himself. (Maybe to go doping! ) Others have brought up good points as well, especially @Pacolovestacos and @okeydokey!

 

[PaulaSB12]

Is it he wants money or a hamfisted way of not wanting you to have plastic surgery

 

[Pea-n-Me]

^ Hamfisted (Laughing with you, not at you, PaulaSB12, I just haven't heard that experession much!)

 

[starry_solo]

I'm not married, but from what I read, I would say that it is just fine for the wife to spend the funds on plastic surgery. As others have said, a $25K bonus is going to probably amount to $12-14K, depending on the tax bracket that the OP is in. So, if he gets 10-15% of that for his fun money, that sounds fine.

As a FYI: Illinois is not a community property state

 

[lisaviolet]

All your expenses are taken care of and you both have extra money. He has some, you have some. This is a special year for you.

Honestly, this is where I would struggle - why can't this exception be made this year? It is a special circumstance. In his head, I mean. To simply be happy for you for your 50th. I too wonder if the issue is more about your surgery, whatever his reasoning is there. Just ask him if you want to get to the bottom of it, if he even knows the real reason he is struggling with it. If you don't celebrate the way you want to this year, I'm sure you will become bitter. Once again, it's not like you are financially irresponsible. So figure it out somehow.

Anyway, congratulations on everything OP, all your success. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I make the financial decisions in this household.
Earlier in our relationship when by happenstance the man made more we had separate checking and saving accounts. The man frequently depleted his accts to do things that made no sense to me immediately (the purchase of 53 fugly Monster High dolls for DGD springs to mind as a something I wont forget in this lifetime but that was purchased with his first S.S. checks and never to be repeated for fear of me bringing it up at a family gathering...oops) and to him in years to come. So first he asked me to manage it and then he started depositing his paycheck in my checking acct to manage as well.

This works well for us since he thinks with his heart alone whilst I go with "traditional thought" and make financial decisions accordingly. Our bills are paid through my account but are a percentage of our individual incomes. We have traveled for pleasure, solo and together. Only depends on if it can be afforded.
I'm confident if I chose to get some form of cosmetic surgery with our shared funds he'd be fine with it since it's really not his fault he thinks about money the way he does. I'm convinced that his entire family's picture is in the dictionary next to that joke about "I must have money, I still have checks".
OP, do what you want, he'll get over it once he thinks it through.

 

[jevs]

I posted up thread that I would say the the same thing if it were the other way around. The other spouse in this situation is only paying for his car and insurance, so he gets to use HIS paycheck on himself.

And his dope...

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Of course she does but she does so AFTER taking care of all the household expenses. That is the important part. She apparently makes a lot of money so of course she is going to buy her clothes, purses, and concerts. Isn't that obvious?

No, the important part is that all the fun stuff THEY both buy comes after THEIR household expenses are met.

Which of the two blows through more "fun money" or how well they each stick to the agreement or not is anyone's guess. So again, any comments on whether her taking a bigger chunk of her bonus for herself than normal is "fair" or not are really just speculation.

 

[NYCgrrl]

And his dope...

I refuse to enter the "dope" discussion. So not my business.