Kids and hitting adults

[justhat]

I have a question though for everyone who says it shouldn't be tolerated. How do you stop it? Aside from telling them no, time outs, taking away toys, stopping the activity, leaving the restaurant, telling them to use their words instead of their hands, what do you do? We do all of what I mentioned (plus more that I can't think of right now) but can't say I've seen a decrease in the hitting.

 

[CEDmom]

I have a question though for everyone who says it shouldn't be tolerated. How do you stop it? Aside from telling them no, time outs, taking away toys, stopping the activity, leaving the restaurant, telling them to use their words instead of their hands, what do you do? We do all of what I mentioned (plus more that I can't think of right now) but can't say I've seen a decrease in the hitting.

Every child is different. Luckily my DD only hit when she was really upset so it wasn't ever a big issue. Does your DD have 1 thing she really cares about? If so, use that as a reward for good behavior instead of taking it away as a punishment for bad behavior. Maybe a sticker chart would work - she gets a sticker each day she goes w/o hitting. The trick is finding what will "motivate" her to change her behavior. Also, to some extend she's just pushing your buttons. When my DD was 2 and would pull that kind of thing I'd just quietly pick her up and put her in her room. She'd throw a fit but after 10-15 minutes she was a different child. Good luck and remember this too shall pass. I'm really looking forward to the tween & teen years .

 

[lw49033]

I have a question though for everyone who says it shouldn't be tolerated. How do you stop it?

My 6 yo girl hit me one time when she was 4 1/2. She got spanked so thoroughly that she still talks about it. Never happened again!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

With my older kids, I would sometimes remove myself and go into the bathroom and close the door. That got to them more than removing them sometimes. Madison might be at a good age for that.

I couldn't do that with Jake or I would have been in the bathroom all the time and he couldn't be trusted for even a minute with me in there.

 

[jenks0718]

I have a question though for everyone who says it shouldn't be tolerated. How do you stop it? Aside from telling them no, time outs, taking away toys, stopping the activity, leaving the restaurant, telling them to use their words instead of their hands, what do you do? We do all of what I mentioned (plus more that I can't think of right now) but can't say I've seen a decrease in the hitting.

When I was 5 I slapped my aunt in the face while we were sitting on the couch. She then taught ME how to play the "Slapping Game" she was so kind to let me go first. I slapped Aunt Linda then it was her turn and she slapped me. It went on and on until i started to cry and told Aunt Linda I didnt like that game and slapping wasnt nice...Never did it again. My advice. Slap back. Worked on my two year old dd and she hasnt tried it again.

 

[Christine]

justhat--No words of wisdom on the hitting. Just wanted to let you know that my second child, a boy, is MUCH sweeter, kinder, more pleasant than my daughter. My DD was a real pistol until she was about 8 years old--defiant, independent, strong-willed, you name it. I just couldn't believe it because, as my mom put it, I was one of those "blanket children"--you'd sit me down and I never move. My DD never stopped moving and really wore me out.

DS came along and, ahhhhh, much easier.

 

[jonestavern]

I have a question though for everyone who says it shouldn't be tolerated. How do you stop it? Aside from telling them no, time outs, taking away toys, stopping the activity, leaving the restaurant, telling them to use their words instead of their hands, what do you do? We do all of what I mentioned (plus more that I can't think of right now) but can't say I've seen a decrease in the hitting.

I always stopped DS when he started to hit me--same ol' same ol'--time outs w/explanation why, held him back by the head & let him swing had him beat a pillow etc. I have to admit he didn't hit a lot. I would say it happened about once a month & it was always me He started it about the age of 3 cont'd 'til about 4, stopped then tried a few times when he was almost 7
Well, the last time that time he took a swing at me we were in the family room with our newly adopted 70 pd dog, Sydney (part German shepard part Dobie) I started with " That's not acceptable, you'll go to time out. Why look even Sydney knows hitting's wrong".
I no sooner said that than Syd placed himself between Patrick & myself, he very quietly, & without being threatening, growled at Patrick!
"See Patrick", I said,"Sydney doesn't want you to lift your fist to me"
Patrick was dumbfounded! Sydney's little 'growl' totally threw him. He was sooo hurt!
Never raised a hand to me since!
Sydney was the best parent!

Personally, do you think your DH feel comfortable saying something when they hit your MIL or FIL?
Make it light & temperate, have him say, " I don't want you to hit my mommy. I'm going to ask you never to do that again"
Often times just the smallest reprimand from an unexpected source works far better than anything a parent can dish out.

Jean

 

[Planogirl]

My son tried the hitting thing and I nipped that in the bud quickly. I don't agree with the parents just taking it. Sure some kids are handfuls and will keep on trying these things but not responding to misbehavior won't solve anything IMO.

 

[ncbyrne]

My cousin's wife is throwing him a surprise 60th birthday party. I love this cousin and wouldn't miss it for the world...however....I haven't got a clue what I could possibly buy another man who has everything he ever wanted, in triplicate! Help!

 

[jimmalru80]

She got mad and said "You show me a kid that doesn't hit".


I am a 48 year old parent of a DS (soon to be 22) and twin DD's, now 16. I cannot, nor will I comment about any other children but mine. Our children NEVER raised their hands to anyone. We may have been in the minority, and I can't explain why. I'm not sure what the solution is, but each situation should be handled on it's own merits.

 

[crazee4mickey]

Out of our 4 children, not one of them ever raised a hand to hit any adult as they knew their boundaries and were taught respect.
My blood just boils when I see my nephew(5) and neice(3) go up and punch or kick their parents and all they get are empty threats......
I just keep thinking to myself, "don't ever try that on me or I'll knock ya into tomorrow!"

 

[lw49033]

I said nothing during all of this. DH prefers it that way. I was so frustrated by the whole thing that after they left I said to MIL "It's the hitting that bothers me". She got mad and said "You show me a kid that doesn't hit"

Show me a kid who is familiar with the thwack of paddle against bottom and I'll show you a kid who probably doesn't hit much.

 

[megan4777]

I have a child who is very similar to Tigger and Belle's 1st and 4th children. She's 2 and right after she started preschool in the fall she started hitting us. She was 18 months then and we stopped it pretty fast with some firm "no hitting"s. Then she turned 2 and became Miss Independent. Great in some ways cause she just pottied trained to 'do it herself', learned her to dress herself, but also not so great cause she thinks she can set her own rules sometimes and gets frustrated when she is told otherwise and has started hitting again. We tell her no in a firm voice like we did 7 months ago but that doesn't work right now. She has no fear of time out and will actually run happily to the time out carpet and announce she's in time out. We take away toys, priviledges and none of it does any good. She thinks it's very funny to hit us and when we tell her we don't think it's funny, we're not laughing cause we're upset by her hitting she responds with "Madison thinks it's funny". We are still keeping up with the punishments but we also realize at this point that the only thing that will help is her outgrowing this behavior.

You have NO CLUE how much better you guys have made me feel. We have DD#1 who will be 3 at the end of June. DD#2 is only 9m old. DD#1 has recently (like Thursday) started swinging and hitting, kicking me whenever she isn't allowed to do something or gets mad.
I will squat down and look her directly in the eye and VERY sternly tell her "no hitting!" and make her repeat it but it doesn't work and she willingly goes to "the doggie corner" (she can't pronounce naughty corner...yeah, I named it that praying that supernanny could help! )and will ask to be put in her room. She only has stuffed animals and books in her room...which we take out.


She doesn't get candy, soda, etc but my mom was recently in ICU for over a month and that totally threw our schedules etc out the window so maybe she's just reacting to that.
I'm hoping that she outgrows it soon because I'm about to start searching online for toddler straight jackets.

 

[robinb]

Tigger&Belle, RadioNate, justhat, & Christine:

Thank you for speaking up! Sometimes in the DIS-land of perfect parents I feel so alone. Like many of you, I thought I "knew it all" before I became a parent. I was not going to raise a brat! Then came Celia, the little cherub in my signature. Independent. Strong willed. Smart. Knows what she wants. All very good traits for a young woman. All of them together very bad traits in a young child. She is just starting to learn how to control her emotions.

I too made it clear that hitting was not OK. I too tried everything when she was younger (time outs, removal of toys, being "grounded" from her friends, no TV) and still ended up being hit and kicked. I even tried spanking to no avail. She is finally putting two and two together that hitting me means that something unpleasant will happen immediately (usually no friends or no TV) to her and she now catches herself in mid-swing. She's 6 1/2 and I see light at the end of the tunnel. We also have a big problem with snit fits (tantrums which used to turn into hitting). Now that the hitting is tamed, we're working on the tantrums with the same technique of removing privileges. I just think she had to be old enough for the privileges to mean anything to her.

 

[justhat]

Megan, glad to be of help! Really though, you guys have made me feel better too cause after reading mostly "hitting should not be acceptable-my kids stopped that the 1st time I said 'no hitting'" posts I was starting to think I was the only one with a hitter. For us it's not a daily thing, maybe once or twice a week (and only with us, she's the perfect child at school and her teacher would not believe me when I said she has started hitting us) and generally if she's tired so I'd say that the break in your routine probably is playing a role in your daughter's behavior. Of course we try to keep Madison's schedule as normal as possible, but we still don't use that as an excuse for her hitting. It's hard though when you have a kid who willingly goes to time out or is totally okay with getting her toys taken away or having to leave the event so I sympathize.

CEDMom, thanks for the suggestions-the only possession my daughter cares about is her stuffed alligator, Nick. He's her security item-she gave up her blanket for this alligator at 20 months and he hasn't left her side since then. So we take him away when she hits, but to keep him away all the time to only be rewarded with I think would be hard for her to understand. She's into sticker charts though so I think we'll give that a try.

Christine, I was one of those "blanket babies" too so my mom has been quite surprised by my daughter. She keeps telling me she thinks my son will be "just like Madison, but easier". I hope she (and you based on your luck) is right!

lw, I'm glad that spanking worked for you, but it's not the route I want to take this with my child. When she hits we say "No hitting. We don't hit in this family." and if I said that while hitting her that would be a very conflicting message for a 2yo I think.

My point in posting was really just to let the OP, and whoever else is interested, know that sometimes despite your best efforts kids hit. Just like the 5yo doesn't hit anymore, I'm sure the 2yo will outgrow it too as he learns more appropriate ways to manage his frustration. They might be taking the 'ignore it' approach, hoping that not giving any attention to the bad behavior will bring it to an end.

 

[Aneille]

I got my 4th child as the 1st. She's 4 years old. I love her so much but she certaintly tries my patience. Reading the descriptions of the other 4ths they sound just like her! When she is good she is gold! But disclipining her is hard because she is stubborn, strongwilled and she has such strong emotions. Somewhere along the way I realized that my DD just didn't know how to deal with the emotions constructively.

We got a book called "I'm Mad" by Elizabeth Crary. She reads it almost every night to herself. She knows it by heart. It really has helped her. The book is a choose your own story.

We liked it so much I just bought a whole bunch more in the series since my DD now is having trouble dealing with frustrations.

Robin - "snit fits" I like that. The only time my DD ever hit me was when she was having a "snit fit". She doesn't hit me anymore I am glad to say and we are now working on tantrums. Like you my DD is starting to put things together.

 

[justhat]

Robin I like the 'snit fits' too-great term! And I agree, I think that unless they are old enough to care about priviledges and things like that it's hard to find something that works. Also I think those terrible toddler traits will be great assets eventually too-just not for me when she's still 2!

Aneille, another good books is "When Sophie Gets Angry, Very Very Angry". Madison loves this book (they have it at her school which is how I found out about it) and when she gets angry we talk about that and she always adds "like Sophie". We'll have to get the book you mentioned too, though I guess she might be a bit young for it right now, but always good to have on hand! Oh, and my 4th child is my first too. I worked in a daycare-15-27 month class-but Madison gave me a whole new outlook on parenting!

 

[robinb]

We got a book called "I'm Mad" by Elizabeth Crary. She reads it almost every night to herself. She knows it by heart. It really has helped her. The book is a choose your own story.

Thanks for the book suggestion. I think I'll look for it at the library.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Robin, how could that face cause you any problems? Don't worry, I think that about Jake all the time!

I bet that your DD is very smart, right? I joke that Jake is in control of his kindergarten class, but his teacher assures me that it's true.

I know that if Jake had of been my first I would have had more, but I also know that if he had of been my 3rd, there would not have been a 4th. I had a 4th because my 3rd was such a delightful child and I wasn't ready to have that end. It's my favorite story that I like to tell on myself.

 

[megan4777]

Of course we try to keep Madison's schedule as normal as possible, but we still don't use that as an excuse for her hitting. It's hard though when you have a kid who willingly goes to time out or is totally okay with getting her toys taken away or having to leave the event so I sympathize..

I guess the reason I brought up the schedule thing is because our schedule was severely altered is b/c we live with my parents while DH and I are finishing college. My mom was MIA for 34 days and I was on the phone for about 2+ hrs a day with family (my mom is one of 8) and drs. My mom is a HUGE part of both my DD's lives but DD#1 started acting out more and more b/c she was missing her g-ma. I'm not trying to use it as an excuse, I was just thinking (hoping)it was part of an explanation. She just started hitting on Thursday....never once took a swing before thurs.

I can also relate to your DD's alligator b/c DD has a dog, Sampson, who is a security animal. We take him away while she's downstairs but we can't take him away when she goes to bed.

I think we're going to start with eliminating her tv time. She gets very little time as it is but loves certain movies, and tv shows. We will probably reward her for listening with a tv show, for now and work up to a movie. We already use sticker charts for manners and chores (we started them before thursday and I don't want 3 running at once...but she'll say "bless you" to anyone within a mile radius) so maybe after she fills this manners one I'll put up a "good listening" one that requires no hitting.

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's opinions and experiences about their kids b/c I never thought I'd have a "hitter."