KENNETH LAY BLASTS BUSHS PRESIDENTIAL PARDONS
Crooks Pardoned Over Christmas Were Small-Time, Former Enron CEO Complains
One week after President George W. Bush granted pre-Christmas pardons to seven Americans who had been convicted of minor offenses years ago, former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay blasted Mr. Bushs selections, saying that the criminals he pardoned were strictly small-time.
Its beneath the dignity of the office of President of the United States to issue pardons to such minor offenders, Mr. Lay said in a press conference today. It demeans the very institution of presidential pardons themselves.
The people Mr. Bush pardoned including a Tennessee man who manufactured untaxed whiskey in 1962 and a Washington man who stole $38,000 worth of copper wire in 1972 did not commit crimes worthy of a presidential pardon, Mr. Lay said.
In order to earn a pardon, a person should lose billions of other people's money, perhaps by looting a major corporation, Mr. Lay added. Anything less than that turns the whole idea of presidential pardons into a joke.
In New York, former President Bill Clinton offered muted agreement with Mr. Lays comments, saying that he had reserved the use of presidential pardons for big-time sleazebags only.
When [fugitive financier] Marc Rich hears about Bush pardoning that copper wire guy, hes going to have a cow, Mr. Clinton said. Getting a presidential pardon used to put you in kind of an exclusive club, but I guess thats gone now. Its kind of sad.
At a press conference in Switzerland, Mr. Rich said that he found the Bush pardons regrettable before running out the back door and disappearing in a helicopter.
**** BOROWITZ REPORT ****
Crooks Pardoned Over Christmas Were Small-Time, Former Enron CEO Complains
One week after President George W. Bush granted pre-Christmas pardons to seven Americans who had been convicted of minor offenses years ago, former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay blasted Mr. Bushs selections, saying that the criminals he pardoned were strictly small-time.
Its beneath the dignity of the office of President of the United States to issue pardons to such minor offenders, Mr. Lay said in a press conference today. It demeans the very institution of presidential pardons themselves.
The people Mr. Bush pardoned including a Tennessee man who manufactured untaxed whiskey in 1962 and a Washington man who stole $38,000 worth of copper wire in 1972 did not commit crimes worthy of a presidential pardon, Mr. Lay said.
In order to earn a pardon, a person should lose billions of other people's money, perhaps by looting a major corporation, Mr. Lay added. Anything less than that turns the whole idea of presidential pardons into a joke.
In New York, former President Bill Clinton offered muted agreement with Mr. Lays comments, saying that he had reserved the use of presidential pardons for big-time sleazebags only.
When [fugitive financier] Marc Rich hears about Bush pardoning that copper wire guy, hes going to have a cow, Mr. Clinton said. Getting a presidential pardon used to put you in kind of an exclusive club, but I guess thats gone now. Its kind of sad.
At a press conference in Switzerland, Mr. Rich said that he found the Bush pardons regrettable before running out the back door and disappearing in a helicopter.
**** BOROWITZ REPORT ****
Maybe in 40 or 50 years at the soonest! 
