Just So Upset..Ex Husband...Kinda Long

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I will try and sum this up the best I can. I am just upset and no one in my 'real' life wants to hear about it anymore. So I will start at the beginning...

I was married very young and we had a DD. Ex was more interested in hanging out with his friends and getting high than holding down a job and supporting his family. I divorced him after 3 years when DD was 1. He didn't have a problem with whatever visitation he got (he almost always cancelled) until DD turned 6 and his then girlfriend decided he should have joint custody. He didn't get joint custody but he did get 40% of the year. That lasted about 3 months until he broke up with girlfriend (not to mention my daughter was traumatized after not seeing dad for months and then having to spend 6 weeks in a row with him and having him not allow her to call me at all).

After they broke up DD did continue to see her dad but he did not want as much time with her as was awarded in court and started to back out of the visitation. 10 days a month turned into about 4. Then one visit he did something that was very neglectful and I stopped overnights...he was ok with it. Then when DD was 10 he did something that made me finally realize she was not safe being alone with him. When he found out DD had said something he caused such a scene at the school that he was arrested. After going to court the judge awarded supervised visitation. This was August 2008...almost 2 years ago. He was awarded 2 hours a week and he had exactly 5 visits when he stopped. In Jan 2009 I found out he moved out of state. In Sept 2009 he called to have a phone visit with her. We have not heard a word from him since Sept 2009. Now I find out he moved back to town. I guess he moved back 2-3 moths ago. He has not tried to contact her or me (we have a perm order of protection) through the visitation agency.

Now I have this fear that I will get served papers stating he wants to go back to unsupervied visits. My family keeps telling me that if the judge awarded him supervised and he hasn't even tried to contact her in almost a year this is not going to happen. But I still have the fear. DD is 12 and will be 13 in Sept. She does not want to see her dad any time soon.

Thanks for letting me get this out.

 

[ctinct]

This must be so stressful for you and your daughter.

 

[luvmy3]

Your poor dd I don't know anything about family law but it sounds like this guy has an awful track record with the chances he has already been legally given and hopefully that will be taken into account if he tries to get unsupervised visitation. I can't really see a judge thinking this guy has shown any reason why he should have his unsupervised visitation changed.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Thanks for the hugs, both of you. DD is actually ok with him being back. I think it was so long ago that she doesn't feel the fear she once did. She just doesn't think of him like her dad and someone she needs to see. It has been almost 3 years since she had a regular visit. Almost 2 years since she had an in person supervised visit and almost a year since we heard from him at all. When we went to court she was 10 and seemed so young. She is now almost 13, going into middle school and seems so grown up. She already told me that if she has to she will see him during supervised but not alone at his house, ever.

 

[mom2travel]

No advice, just

I can't imagine that the court would change the visitation based on what has gone on. Good luck!

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

No advice, just

I can't imagine that the court would change the visitation based on what has gone on. Good luck!

Thanks. Like I said he hasn't tried to contact us. It probably is sill to think he would try to change the visitation when he hasn't even tried to see her with the visitation he is allowed. I think, as a mom, I sometimes think with my fear instead of my brain.

 

[pixiedust9]

I can relate...and it sucks. My ex only wanted to see our girls when it was going to make him look good to others. I wasn't having it my oldest would cry when she had to go with him. She started twitching and blinking, it was awful so I stopped sending her and he never questioned it. He has gone years without seeing them, it is in our divorce papers that he has to be supervised through an agency now...never bothered with that either. Some of his friends didn't think the girls were real because he doesn't have pictures of them, never calls them...just likes to talk about them. I know where I am, at 12-13 years old the court will listen to the childs wishes. If you get served with papers, make sure you have a good law guardian that will do what is in your daughters best interest. They should talk and her feelings will be expressed in court through the law guardian. I hope things work out for you. Good luck...

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I can relate...and it sucks. My ex only wanted to see our girls when it was going to make him look good to others. I wasn't having it my oldest would cry when she had to go with him. She started twitching and blinking, it was awful so I stopped sending her and he never questioned it. He has gone years without seeing them, it is in our divorce papers that he has to be supervised through an agency now...never bothered with that either. Some of his friends didn't think the girls were real because he doesn't have pictures of them, never calls them...just likes to talk about them. I know where I am, at 12-13 years old the court will listen to the childs wishes. If you get served with papers, make sure you have a good law guardian that will do what is in your daughters best interest. They should talk and her feelings will be expressed in court through the law guardian. I hope things work out for you. Good luck...

Thanks. Hopefully, if I get served papers we won't have to back to square 1. Right not the court ordered 2 hours of supervised visitation through a company agreed upon by both parties. He got supervised visitation because of his actions. It states that supervised will continue until DD and a councelor agree that unsupervised is best (kinda hard to do when you don't see her at all).

 

[ols386]

Wow, that's a sad situation. I can understand that it's very stressful for you. It doesn't sound like it's in your dd's best interest to see him, even if he decides he wants to see her again. I hate to say that, but at age 13, it would be difficult for her to be with him, especially if it's overnight, knowing that she wouldn't be comfortable with that.

 

[dislaney]

I understand your fears as I know I would be thinking the same kind of thoughts but, I don't think they will change visitation with his track record. He would have to prove himself based on his actions and his actions aren't helping him at all.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Wow, that's a sad situation. I can understand that it's very stressful for you. It doesn't sound like it's in your dd's best interest to see him, even if he decides he wants to see her again. I hate to say that, but at age 13, it would be difficult for her to be with him, especially if it's overnight, knowing that she wouldn't be comfortable with that.

When I was a kid I remember having quite a few friends in my class that had to visit their dads and couldn't come over to my house on his weekend. I don't remember that happening at all once middle school hit and no one ever mentioned visits when I got to high school. And this was with regular, good dads. Not saying that kids don't visit their noncustodial parents when they get older I just don't remember kids being made to.

 

[cabanafrau]

From the way the courts here work, you are in an excellent position to keep him away from your daughter. There is a past order in place that his visits are to be supervised. That is not easily obtained. Since they are supervised by an impartial party, records can be obtained, showing that he has not participated in visitation for quite some time.

If you can document that he moved out of state without notifying the court, so much the better.

You haven't mentioned anything about support. Is that a requirement in your case? Has he followed through with that?

I think you can make a good case for abandonment if you can put all of your ducks in a row. Best of luck to you.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

From the way the courts here work, you are in an excellent position to keep him away from your daughter. There is a past order in place that his visits are to be supervised. That is not easily obtained. Since they are supervised by an impartial party, records can be obtained, showing that he has not participated in visitation for quite some time.

If you can document that he moved out of state without notifying the court, so much the better.

You haven't mentioned anything about support. Is that a requirement in your case? Has he followed through with that?

I think you can make a good case for abandonment if you can put all of your ducks in a row. Best of luck to you.

Thank you. I will give you a little more info. The company that supervises the visitation closes your file if there is no contact for 6 months. Last Sept he was at about 7 months and they weren't going to open it but I guess the supervisor allowed it since it was a phone contact only. Right now it has been 9.5 months of no contact. As far as child support there is a court order. He is supposed to pay 218.00 a month. His wages were garnished but he is a job jumper and it was very on again off again. The last wage garnishment I received was in Feb but the state seized his federal taxes (not sure if this actually counts as him paying). He is still 3,000 behind and child support enforcemet does have proof they received the money from out of state. He did not tell the courts he was leaving (I think because he owes quite a bit in other court fees and fines..not sure if those got paid off). I really don't care about the money and if I had to choose I would give the support up. I guess my other worry is that I know he is back but I do not know where he lives or where he is working if he is working.

 

[cabanafrau]

The best thing you can do is keep great records. Other than that I would wait for him to make a move. If you really want to be proactive you can involve your attorney preemptively, but that may be good money spent where you don't need to.

Unless you are really pinching financially, don't push that because if he's going to stay out of the picture, a money battle may trigger him battling for a way in again.

If need be you should be able to shut him down fairly easily if you have good records of his abandonment, non support & unstable lifestyle & living situation. Coupled with whatever triggered the supervised visitation order, very few judges will be willing to look kindly at him.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

The best thing you can do is keep great records. Other than that I would wait for him to make a move. If you really want to be proactive you can involve your attorney preemptively, but that may be good money spent where you don't need to.

Unless you are really pinching financially, don't push that because if he's going to stay out of the picture, a money battle may trigger him battling for a way in again.

If need be you should be able to shut him down fairly easily if you have good records of his abandonment, non support & unstable lifestyle & living situation. Coupled with whatever triggered the supervised visitation order, very few judges will be willing to look kindly at him.

I am not pushing child support at all. There already is a court order. If he gets a job they take it..there is nothing I can do. If he becomes self employed (which is almost always what he does..or at least has done in his profession) they won't garnish and I don't push it. Since he has already been here 2-3 months I would assume he would have tried to contact her at least through supervised visitation. But like I said there has been no contact at all since Sept. Not even a card at Christmas.