JOINT CUSTODY question?? help????

[BuckNaked]

Sorry but I have never heard of joint physical custody---That would only make the courts job that much harder--Joint legal yes happens everyday in probably 98% of divorces but not joint physical---Only one parent can maintain physical custody while the other enjoys visitation--whatever the visitation is be it every day after school or weekends only.

Sorry, but you are wrong. Joint physical custody does indeed exist, and is happening more and more.

 

[elismom]

15 years ago I had joint custody.
We both had equal say in everything.they were with their dad for one week and me the next.
It was a total nightmere. I don't know how the courts throught that 2 people who could not agree about anything when they lived together would start now.
My ex DH did what ever he wanted because of this order.
Every couple of weeks he would change the rules to his liking.
In the end I just let my kids stay there. We were in court every 3 weeks.
(this went on for years)
We had joint physical custody. So every couple of weeks he would deside not to bring them back to me on my week (no real reasons that could stand up in court) but there was nothing I could do except go back to court each time he did this.
I would never recomend anyone have joint custody unless you are sure you can get along with your ex when it comes to making discussions about your child.

 

[wilderness01]

Obviously some of the posts have upset you. Maybe I didn't read them all, but where did anyone say you should charge your husband? Don't you pool your $ so really you would only be charging yourself right? No I don't think you were serious, just mad. I don't think, or hope anyway, that anyone intended to hurt your feelings. Obviously from what you have posted you are a very involved stepmother, which is very lucky for your stepdaughter. I think that if anyone questioned your relationship it is only because you/or your DH are so quick to get legal advice. I just would not want to tick anyone off by doing this and risking a nice relationship. I am not saying to be stepped on or just do what she wants, but maybe she is getting flack that you don't know about. Come on, let's be honest, no one knows how it is to live in anyone else's family but the people themselves who live in that house. So just because you socialize with them, or workout together or lend each other things, does not mean you are her true confidant. I have known alot of people who only let you know what they want to for sake of their own privacy. I think everyone is entitled to how they feel and that is what you received in the responses. Obviously you are going to take them with a grain of salt, which you should, but maybe next time I would be cautious to ask something like this on a message board. My friend often says "watch what you ask, you may not like the answer". She has a great point that carries alot of validity to it. Sorry you are feeling attacked. Like I stated, not everyone here is like that and aside from the statement of "it's not your child", I think Poohandwendy made an excellent post. She is your child as well, just not biologically. I guess that is the nature vs. nuture. I just think maybe people meant that the ex-wife is also entitled to her opinion and wants because she is also the child's mother. Good luck to you. Divorce is never an easy situation and compromises always need to be made. I agree with someone else that stated if she wants to move then make the transportation issues all hers. That is fair. Have you ever thought of having the child go to the same school as your daughters and having her move the 30 minutes away anyway? I know you posted that you did want the kid in the school your kids go to but can't that happen anyway since you reside in that district? Didn't you post that the mom drives into where you live anyway for work? Would this not be a good compromise? That way not as much is disrupted for the child all at once and no one has to draw the line in the sand that can cause so many hurt feelings.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

A common misperception among parents is the notion that joint custody means equal parenting time. Not so. Parenting time for the non-custodial parent is the same in both sole and joint custody situations. Another common misperception is that an award of joint custody will prevent the custodial parent from moving out of state with the children. A custodial parent cannot unilaterally move out of state absent agreement of the other parent or an order of Court, regardless of whether he or she holds joint or sole custody of the child




I do apologize for my earlier comment about there not being joint physical custody-I did do some research and found some info on joint physical custody but in reading found the above quote from a divorce law website---basically it said joint physical custody is where the child spends at least 1/3 of the time with other parent--so in essence joint custody seems to be a glorified sole physical custody arrangement where the non custodial parent gets ample visitation

 

[MOMOFMNM]

A common misperception among parents is the notion that joint custody means equal parenting time. Not so. Parenting time for the non-custodial parent is the same in both sole and joint custody situations. Another common misperception is that an award of joint custody will prevent the custodial parent from moving out of state with the children. A custodial parent cannot unilaterally move out of state absent agreement of the other parent or an order of Court, regardless of whether he or she holds joint or sole custody of the child




I do apologize for my earlier comment about there not being joint physical custody-I did do some research and found some info on joint physical custody but in reading found the above quote from a divorce law website---basically it said joint physical custody is where the child spends at least 1/3 of the time with other parent--so in essence joint custody seems to be a glorified sole physical custody arrangement where the non custodial parent gets ample visitation

If I am understanding you right...

my dh has joint physical and legal custody of his daughter

whereas I have joint legal custody of my dd's but have primary physical custody

 

[MOMOFMNM]

Obviously some of the posts have upset you. Maybe I didn't read them all, but where did anyone say you should charge your husband? Don't you pool your $ so really you would only be charging yourself right? No I don't think you were serious, just mad. I don't think, or hope anyway, that anyone intended to hurt your feelings. Obviously from what you have posted you are a very involved stepmother, which is very lucky for your stepdaughter. I think that if anyone questioned your relationship it is only because you/or your DH are so quick to get legal advice. I just would not want to tick anyone off by doing this and risking a nice relationship. I am not saying to be stepped on or just do what she wants, but maybe she is getting flack that you don't know about. Come on, let's be honest, no one knows how it is to live in anyone else's family but the people themselves who live in that house. So just because you socialize with them, or workout together or lend each other things, does not mean you are her true confidant. I have known alot of people who only let you know what they want to for sake of their own privacy. I think everyone is entitled to how they feel and that is what you received in the responses. Obviously you are going to take them with a grain of salt, which you should, but maybe next time I would be cautious to ask something like this on a message board. My friend often says "watch what you ask, you may not like the answer". She has a great point that carries alot of validity to it. Sorry you are feeling attacked. Like I stated, not everyone here is like that and aside from the statement of "it's not your child", I think Poohandwendy made an excellent post. She is your child as well, just not biologically. I guess that is the nature vs. nuture. I just think maybe people meant that the ex-wife is also entitled to her opinion and wants because she is also the child's mother. Good luck to you. Divorce is never an easy situation and compromises always need to be made. I agree with someone else that stated if she wants to move then make the transportation issues all hers. That is fair. Have you ever thought of having the child go to the same school as your daughters and having her move the 30 minutes away anyway? I know you posted that you did want the kid in the school your kids go to but can't that happen anyway since you reside in that district? Didn't you post that the mom drives into where you live anyway for work? Would this not be a good compromise? That way not as much is disrupted for the child all at once and no one has to draw the line in the sand that can cause so many hurt feelings.

I understand Wilnderness...it is fine. Of course I had hurt feelings when someone says "she is not YOUR child" well obviously I did not give birth to her but we make it a point to be a fair and equal household here...

trust me I have been Dis'ing long enough to know that flames abound
even when posting things like "THE POLY IS GREAT!!" or something like that...someone will have another POV but I certainly did not think others would see me as a kidnapper or an enemy of my own dsd...that's all. I guess it did shock me somewhat but I understand what you are saying!!

as far as the last part of your post, that is EXACTLY what dh was proposing but she feels she wants her to move to a new school 30 or 40 mins away from here
and they split DAYS not weeks...she is here one day, there the next...and so on...not quite so much switching but you get the idea. This works for the parents because that is the way they have always done it and they live close. So in effect, even though her mom will be driving into our town daily for work, she wants her to go to the out of town school...which leads me to another question...what about sickness and emergencies?? If all of her parents and family are here in this town daily, who would get to her soon if she needed someone? Just another idea to throw out there...
so on an every other day basis, dh will drive her to out of town school, drive back to work, pick her up from school and drive her back the next morning where her mother would then pick her up that evening and take her to her house in that town...when she is already here working daily.

My dh is proposing not to move her to ANY new school and keep her in the same private school until a decision can be made...that is where he is on this right now...we shall see how that works for everyone.

As far as the getting along part, she never did anything to hurt me
actually I am thankful she gave him up so I could find him!!

I only edited to add some stuff btw

 

[irishbosoxfan]

If I am understanding you right...

my dh has joint physical and legal custody of his daughter

whereas I have joint legal custody of my dd's but have primary physical custody

I'm not sure it depends on what it says in your custody agreement---mine states that we have joint custody-while he maintains physical(meaning he decides who when where and if)while be both share legal custody.

My DH also has joint custody with his ex and same as mine she maintains physical custody and makes all the decisions.

It says in each of your custody agreements who has what---if it states in his that the child will reside with her that means she has physical custody of the child--even though it may say they have joint custody---it's kind of hard to follow trust me when I tell you my ex and I have had many arguments over this and the court will always side with whoever has physical custody so long as no harm is coming to the child.

 

[wilderness01]

Ok I misunderstood that part. Then I would strongly suggest that she stay on at her own school. If presented to the ex-wife from your dh that too many changes at once may be harmful to her well being. Then I would spell out that you would not be able to watch her after school, maybe that will change her mind, you know dollars and cents. Or a mere piece of mind of you watching her, someone who loves her and not a stranger. I would try to go that route and see how she responds. Good luck.

 

[Disney Doll]

I honestly don't see why this child should have to leave the school district that she is in. Mom is certainly entitled to move but if the child can remain in the same school district that she is currently in where her friends are then why shouldn't she? Why should she have to go to an afterschool daycare program when a little flexibility on the mom's side would eliminate that.

I guess I am having a hard time understanding why people aren't trying to look more at what might be in the best interest of the child.

Is anyone really ever interested in the best interests of the child?????

We have one group saying the step-mom is a control freak who is trying to undermine the mother.

We have another group saying the step-mother is a saint and the mother is a piece of trash.

Then's there's the group who always has to put in that everyone is entitled to thier opinion, even if others don't agree. Don't you think we all know that by now? Every single time a thread is posted where someone disagrees with someone's else's opinion, someone posts "Well, I have a right to my opinion, even if you disagree". We all know we live in the United States and we all know we have Freedom of Speech. Give it a rest.

Meanwhile, you have a kid who is in those difficult adolescent years, whose life has been turned upside down by a divorce, two remarriages, and other children added to her family. Everybody is in a pretty good place right now as far as school, scheduling, transportation. Oh, but wait...Mom has a new hubby and he wants to move because he wants a bigger place, so let's uproot the kids and throw a monkey wrench into the works, to keep the adults happy.

Well, here comes my Freedom of Speech...I think that all the adults going back and forth is going to hurt the child. I think the adults in this situation should sacrifice a bit of their life to keep this child's life as stress-free as possible, since that they've put her through an enormous amount of stress already. I think new hubby should suck it up and wait a few more years to move to the big house in the country where he has room for his stuff, I think the mother should put her child first instead of her new husband. Those of you who think the step-mother is trying to take over, well, maybe she is, but maybe she's doing it to protect the kid. Cuz guess what...the kid's Mama seems to be worrying more about keeping new hubby happy.

Kids are a responsibility. Having kids means that the adults that are important in their lives must make sacrifices for them. Marrying a person with kids means that you must agree to put the best interest of the children first. You are the adult. They are the child.

Maybe to us adults it doesn't seem like a "big deal" for this kid to move, change schools, change her whole schedule around and everything else, but to this kid, it may be a very big deal. She's going to be pretty grown up in a few years, and very independent, off to college, and then maybe living on her own. Since she's already had a lot of angst in her pretty young life, why not give her some stability for a few years?

As a person who could not have children, it irks me to no end that people who do have children do not appreciate the gift they have been given.

The rest of you may now feel free to exercise your Freedom of Speech and disagree.

 

[Disney Doll]

And I still keep telling AFamily mom she screwed up the best thing she ever had, the relationship with her child, over a man.

I, too, have seen that appen more than once and it is always sad.

Imagine being a child and thinking that your parent loves someone else more than you.

 

[pixiemomma]

Op, best of luck. I'm sure whatever your husband decides to do it will be in the best interest of your stepdaughter. Unfortunatly some people ( in general, not in this thread) have a hard time believing a stepparent can love their stepchild as their own and would like to assume ulterior motives on the part of the stepparent. She is lucky to have another parent to love her so much.

 

[Nicolepa]

Is anyone really ever interested in the best interests of the child?????

We have one group saying the step-mom is a control freak who is trying to undermine the mother.

We have another group saying the step-mother is a saint and the mother is a piece of trash.

Then's there's the group who always has to put in that everyone is entitled to thier opinion, even if others don't agree. Don't you think we all know that by now? Every single time a thread is posted where someone disagrees with someone's else's opinion, someone posts "Well, I have a right to my opinion, even if you disagree". We all know we live in the United States and we all know we have Freedom of Speech. Give it a rest.

Meanwhile, you have a kid who is in those difficult adolescent years, whose life has been turned upside down by a divorce, two remarriages, and other children added to her family. Everybody is in a pretty good place right now as far as school, scheduling, transportation. Oh, but wait...Mom has a new hubby and he wants to move because he wants a bigger place, so let's uproot the kids and throw a monkey wrench into the works, to keep the adults happy.

Well, here comes my Freedom of Speech...I think that all the adults going back and forth is going to hurt the child. I think the adults in this situation should sacrifice a bit of their life to keep this child's life as stress-free as possible, since that they've put her through an enormous amount of stress already. I think new hubby should suck it up and wait a few more years to move to the big house in the country where he has room for his stuff, I think the mother should put her child first instead of her new husband. Those of you who think the step-mother is trying to take over, well, maybe she is, but maybe she's doing it to protect the kid. Cuz guess what...the kid's Mama seems to be worrying more about keeping new hubby happy.

Kids are a responsibility. Having kids means that the adults that are important in their lives must make sacrifices for them. Marrying a person with kids means that you must agree to put the best interest of the children first. You are the adult. They are the child.

Maybe to us adults it doesn't seem like a "big deal" for this kid to move, change schools, change her whole schedule around and everything else, but to this kid, it may be a very big deal. She's going to be pretty grown up in a few years, and very independent, off to college, and then maybe living on her own. Since she's already had a lot of angst in her pretty young life, why not give her some stability for a few years?

As a person who could not have children, it irks me to no end that people who do have children do not appreciate the gift they have been given.

The rest of you may now feel free to exercise your Freedom of Speech and disagree.

Amen! I was a child of divorce who's mother was more interested in keeping her new hubby happy. You said exactly what I was feeling! (Oh, and my step-dad never referred to me as his anything but his daughter. At times this would cause some strange looks as he's only 14 years old than me.)

 

[simpilotswife]

irishbosoxfan, I'm not sure if you know that each state has their own rules. What may be for your state is not necessarily what is in the OP's state.

And I agree Disney Doll.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

http://www.legis.state.ia.us/IACODE/1999/598/41.html


I do know that each state has different set up for child custody but each state generally follows the same rules----States I've had to deal with personally concerning child custody are Mass,Ks and Ky---and those three are basically the same.

What I posted previously about Joint Custody and Joint Physical Custody came from the divorce law website for Iowa.The link for it is above.

When she posted her ? to me I told her she would need to look at each of their custody paperwork to see exactly what each one stated.

Mine states Joint Custody but the ex maintains Physical Custody and there is no set plan for visitation.--Mass.

Dh states Joint Custody but minor child will reside with mom and visitation is whenever it is convenient for mom--Ky(then transferred to Ks).

So while both of ours are from different states and have different words they are in fact saying the same thing.

That is why I told her she needs to read each custody agreement to see exactly what it says.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

http://www.legis.state.ia.us/IACODE/1999/598/41.html


I do know that each state has different set up for child custody but each state generally follows the same rules----States I've had to deal with personally concerning child custody are Mass,Ks and Ky---and those three are basically the same.

What I posted previously about Joint Custody and Joint Physical Custody came from the divorce law website for Iowa.The link for it is above.

When she posted her ? to me I told her she would need to look at each of their custody paperwork to see exactly what each one stated.

Mine states Joint Custody but the ex maintains Physical Custody and there is no set plan for visitation.--Mass.

Dh states Joint Custody but minor child will reside with mom and visitation is whenever it is convenient for mom--Ky(then transferred to Ks).

So while both of ours are from different states and have different words they are in fact saying the same thing.

That is why I told her she needs to read each custody agreement to see exactly what it says.

his divorce decree is written very very ho-hummish IMO...mine is much better with my ex...mine is a lot more specific than his is but to our knowledge and the knowledge of his attourney they do, infact, share true joint custody physically...but it looks to be not very specific and the parents have changed it so much to suit them that they do not even go by it anymore, they usually agree on things...IE...the decree says each parent shall have dsd for one week at a time with the other parent having "visitation" from 5 to 8 on Tues nights...well this has never been this way the whole time they have been divorced.

You know, thinking about it more, I feel terrible for my dsd. She transitions so much more than most kids, but in her defense...she handles it VERY well...it has taken some time but she is to the point that it is her life and she can't see seeing EITHER of her parents less or more even if that meant the other saw her more, kwim?? Like I have said before, it works so well (or worked) for them to handle switching like that because we are practically neighbors...
I can't tell her not to move, of course not, but did her new husband not realize her situation? Did he not realize that dsd actually has the best of both worlds? It took her awhile to adjust to all this and now, boom, another transitition to deal with...again...

anyway thank you very much Nicolepa you said a lot of things that make sense. Divorce is never an ideal situation, ever...but I REALLY think our families have done an outstanding job so far of making it the best we can. Another person to love you or to give your love to is never a bad thing
I know I had a stepmother who was very mean and jealous of me and my brother and we never saw our father after he remarried, so many fathers just forget or find something new and move on. My dh would never hear of such a thing...(why do you think we can't move closer to WDW???? ) I would never hear of such a thing...sometimes we don't get to just do whatever we want to do when we are parents and have to live for others...kwim?

I am feeling better about some things now and hope dh and her mom can come to an agreement for my dsd.
thanks again for all your insight~~~

now back to planning our BCV stay for November!!!