JOINT CUSTODY question?? help????

[elismom]

Child custody battles can do more harm to the child then the divorce can do.
I am speaking with lots of experience in this.
I was in a battle for two years( this was over 14 years ago)
My kids 26,25 and 21 still feel the pain of this.
In the end I gave up and didnt fight anymore.
MY kids were being ripped apart.
I didnt have anything against there stepmom she came into the pix after we broke up.
She had no children af her own and my ex didnt want anymore.
Everthing I did with my kids I did there her there father was never home and spent no time with them.
I never disliked her but she did lack in parenting skills big time.
But I believed she loved them and had there best intrest at heart.
One by one as they came into there teen years they moved back with me.
One day when I was helping my daughter go through some boxes of old stuff she had.(she wanted to show me something)
They were boxes of letters her stepmom had written over the years to her.
These were not nice letters they were hurtful letters about why she love me (her mom)
More then her stepmom and what did I do that was so special that made my children love me more than there her.
I could go on and on about the hurtful stuff in thes lettters but I won.t
My girls never told anyone about these letters.
They didnt want anymore custody problems.
I would say "stay out of it" in the end you will lose your relatioship with your stepdaughter.
My kids will have nothing to do with her now they have no respect for her at all.
And she in not a bad person don't get me wrong I wished her no ill.
But it will come back later to bite you in the butt in the worst way.
I think you should read a book "called Mothers On Trial(not sure of spelling)
It's an old book but is about custody battles.
This is not your battle.And this is not your child.

 

[poohandwendy]

This is not your battle.And this is not your child.

I agree. I understand the frustration of the OP, but I really, really think her moving is a non-issue. An inconvenience? Sure, but not a big enough deal to go back to court. It is not unreasonable for the ex-wife to wish to move, people do it all of the time. She is not talking about moving to the other side of the country or even to the other side of the state. 30 minutes away? I would say the situation is actually very good. I know many people who dealt with MUCH bigger distance moves after divorce and they learned to deal with it.

Taking an issue like this back into court is going to draw the lines deeper into the sand, open old wounds wide open and would not be worth it, IMHO. Because this little girl will be the one who feels the most pain from it.

As far as what school their dd goes to, that is between the two of them to work out. They both should discuss it and come to their own agreement about it. I would give my DH my input as to what I thought was a good idea, then back off and leave it up to him.

JMHO, I hope they can come to an agreement that works out for everyone involved.

 

[simpilotswife]

the decision shouldn't be based only on what is most convenient for the OP and her husband.

Again I agree, it should be based on what is best for the child.

I would think most people would agree that it would be best for the child to go school in the neighborhood where she lives and not have to go to a daycare program after school.

 

[simpilotswife]

She's not in the school district. She's in a private school. Both parents want to take her out. Mom wants to put her in a new school where she'll be living. Dad wants to put her in a new school where he lives.

hence my use of the word DISTRICT.

If she remains at the school by dad, she'll still have her neighborhood friends on a daily basis and she won't have to go to an afterschool daycare program. Why is that a bad thing?

 

[wilderness01]

Poohandwendy wrote:

This is not your battle.And this is not your child.

I agree. I understand the frustration of the OP, but I really, really think her moving is a non-issue. An inconvenience? Sure, but not a big enough deal to go back to court. It is not unreasonable for the ex-wife to wish to move, people do it all of the time. She is not talking about moving to the other side of the country or even to the other side of the state. 30 minutes away? I would say the situation is actually very good. I know many people who dealt with MUCH bigger distance moves after divorce and they learned to deal with it.

Taking an issue like this back into court is going to draw the lines deeper into the sand, open old wounds wide open and would not be worth it, IMHO. Because this little girl will be the one who feels the most pain from it.

As far as what school their dd goes to, that is between the two of them to work out. They both should discuss it and come to their own agreement about it. I would give my DH my input as to what I thought was a good idea, then back off and leave it up to him.

JMHO, I hope they can come to an agreement that works out for everyone involved.

Very nice post and I couldn't agree more. Good luck to the little girl and her families.

 

[TeresaNJ]

All I can say is that when my ex and I divorced I looked for a house in the same township/school district that my children were already living in. It's hard enough for kids without my having moved to another school district, and believe me, there were many other places I could have moved, but would have necessitated taking my kids out of the school they had always gone to, left their friends, etc. If the mom's husband wants to move because he'd like a bigger garage, why can't he look for one in the town they are already in?

Obviously the mother doesn't mind the step-mom watching her daughter after school, going to her school functions during the day while mom works, etc. If they were moving because of job related issues, or now living in a bad neighborhood, etc. I could somewhat see it, but have they explored the possibility of finding a larger house/garage in the same town/school district?

My ex is a total idiot, JMHO , but I would never think of moving and taking my kids out of the school they know and love because I wanted a bigger house/garage. We live five minutes apart from each other and it has worked out great. Kids can go from one house to another in minutes.

If my ex had wanted to move 30 minutes away when he only lived 5 minutes away just for the sake of having a bigger home then I would expect him to do most of the transporting of the kids to and fro. Especially if I was the one watching the kids after school and now I would have to drive 30 minutes each way to pick them up and drop them off. Why fix something that isn't broke? I say they should look for a home in the same town they are now in.

 

[punkin]

hence my use of the word DISTRICT.

If she remains at the school by dad, she'll still have her neighborhood friends on a daily basis and she won't have to go to an afterschool daycare program. Why is that a bad thing?

It is not a bad thing at all, but the mom moving 30 minutes away would not have to change that at all. The child can still go to the school near dad and have OP watch her after school.

The only issue is who gets to drive her to school in the morning when she is at mom's house and who has to pick her up when is is going to mom's house.
This is why I really think this is not a big deal. Mom can drop her off and dad can drive her back (or any other arrangement they can come up with). It is only 30 minutes away and going back to court over something so minor is innane.

 

[TeresaNJ]

This is not your battle.And this is not your child.

I kind of take exception to this quote. I think it is wonderful that the OP apparently loves this child like her own. My own DH loves my children as if they were his own. When you are raising a child at least 50% of the time, whether they are biological or not, and are meeting their needs, providing protection and nuturing, they are indeed your child!

It seems they all have a very nice set-up right now, OP's sd gets to spend max time with her step sis', has a caring step-mom to watch her after school while her mom works, etc. I would be thrilled if my kids had a step-mom who was so involved. It does not sound to me at all like the OP is trying to take away her sd from her mother. I think she is truly concerned about what is best for her sd. THE ONLY THING I WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY IS LEAVE THE BRO IN LAW (LAWYER) OUT OF IT. Legal counsel would be my last resort and only if I thought the outcome would be truly detrimental to the child. All parents need to sit down and see what they can come up with that would satisfy all parties involved, especially the kids.

 

[punkin]

Again I agree, it should be based on what is best for the child.

I would think most people would agree that it would be best for the child to go school in the neighborhood where she lives and not have to go to a daycare program after school.

We don't (and can't) know what is best for this child. We know nothing about the respective schools. We do not know why the mother is moving (maybe it is to get away from OP as someone suggested). We do not knoe what kind of relationship the parents have. In fact, we know nothing except what the OP wants us to know, and I, for one, sense that something important is missing from her story.

If everything is so fine and wonderful, why go to court over something that can be discussed and decided in just a friendly meeting between peoplle who all get along and have the child's best interests at heart?

 

[wilderness01]

Maybe I missed it, but how long has the ex-wife been remarried to the new husband? Maybe he wants to cut some ties and create a family unit of their own? Maybe it is not as hunky dorey as the OP has stated, at least in the other families thoughts. Maybe she just used the bigger garage scenario because that is easier to say than the truth? I truly do not think that 30 minutes is such a big deal. You are not talking that far away. If you were talking about the other side of the state than it is a big deal, but 30 minutes? It sounds like more of an inconvenience than anything. Has anyone talked with the stepdaughter to see how she feels? That would be my biggest concern right now, with both sets of parents. I don't think that the OP wants to take the child away from her mother, and the comment about working 10 hours a day, although it was , does not mean she is scheming to take away the child. If anything, by bringing in an attorney so quick, it sounds like a temper tantrum is being thrown by the OP and her husband because their convenient setup is being disrupted. I agree that this will probably be thrown out of court and what a waste of court time. When people choose to get divorced they have to realize that it isn't realistic to see the children everyday just like when they were married. I truly hope this all works out without any permanent damage done.

 

[jen0610]

Having previously worked for an attorney, here is the outline of a case he handled, that is so close to the OP situation, that maybe it will help

Joint Physical Custody
Lived 5 minutes apart, both in FWCS district, but in two different school zones. Went to school in the zone that dad lived in. The better of the 2 schools.
Both remarried, Parent A(mom) no other kids and Parent B(dad) 1-stepchild and 1 child with new wife.
Parent A was a nurse that put in 10-12 hrs a day and Parent B wife was secratary for the Middle School at was in the zone they lived in.

The B family, had the kids every morning, Amom dropped the child off on her way to work 6:30 am. B wife, got all of the 3 kids on the bus before she left for her work. She also got out of work and was home before the 3 kids got off the bus. She was also able to be with the kids on delays, no school, vacation, and holidays. If the child got sick at school, weither the child was going to be with them that evening or not, either Bwife or dad picked the child up. If the child was staying with them and was sick, wifeB would stay at home with her. She also took both her oldest and step child to the dance studio two days a week. Even on the days when Bfamily didn't have the child for that night. She would drop the child off on their way home, with homework done and dinner having been gotten.

Parent A and hubby wanted to move out to the county, a 30 minute drive
one-way and to EACS school. And she wanted the same services as they were currently being done. She felt that it would be up to Bfamily to drive the child back to A's house to catch the bus, EVERY day. She was still going to drop the child off in the mornings after having her for the evening. Drive to her house after school and pick up the child. Bring the child home from dance, a 45 minute drive. EACS has a 4 to 1 ratio with FWCS on delays and no school, and familyB would have to cover these delays. FamilyA would not give any on what they felt FamilyB need to provide for the child.

They let the courts make the call. Per the Judge, they could move, BUT FamilyA had to figure out a way to get the child on/off the school bus, WITHOUT the help of FamilyB. If the child got sick at school and was to be with FamilyA that evening, they need to get the child. On dance nights, FamilyA would have to get the child there and back. Any issues with school delays, no school, vacation, and holidays, FamilyA would have to get those covered. The first thing out of FamilyA step dad's mouth, was that they would have to use a baby sitter and that would increase their costs, so a change in child support would be needed to cover these additional cost.

God love this judge, he asked FamilyB, if the amount of time that they spent "babysitting", for no school or delays, vacations, and holidays, picking up a sick child on days that they did not have the child had been compensated by FamilyA. The answer was no, but then again, they weren't being asked to provide more than what they were already doing for their own family unit. So, no additional support was granted, in fact the judge REDUCED the amount, based on what FamilyA mom was making now, what all FamilyB provided, and the fact that support had not be changed since the original decree 6 years earlier.

So, AFamily ended up not moving, BFamily still did the same as they had been. And 2 years later, these famlies ended up back in court, because the child was asking to have dad granted full custody, which he got. And last year, AFamily, mom and step dad finalized their divorce. And I still keep telling AFamily mom she screwed up the best thing she ever had, the relationship with her child, over a man. And yes, I personally know both of the families and the attorney I worked for handled the dad.

These case are never easy.

 

[disykat]

I agree that, as in the case above, if they move you need to let them figure out their own daycare issues and be independent of you during their time. I think the school issue will probably force you to rearrange custody so that you always have weekends and they have most of the school days - like switching on Sunday afternoon and Wed afternoon.

I think it's probably best to get the court involved. It sure seems like the logical choice would be to keep her in school in your town since the mom commutes into town for work anyway.

 

[punkin]

I think it's probably best to get the court involved.

It is almost never best to get the court involved. If the parents can still speak to each other civilly, it is best to work this out in a friendly manner and then just have the court OK their new arrangement. Once the court is involved, you never know what decision a judge (who doeas not know you and only hears your case for an hour if you are lucky) will come to. More likely than not, both sides walk away disappointed.

 

[elismom]

If every one gets along so well
Why are the courts going to be involved.
Somebody will lose in this and somebody will win. this will only make things worse in the end.
I think there is a lot you are not telling us,There are always 3 sides.
You and her Dad's side, her mom's side and the truth.
Go hang out at family court every day for a week or so.
I'm sure what you heard and see will change your mind.
It's the saddest most heartbreaking place to be

 

[disneyfanz04]

WOW, I cannot believe some of the responses on here???

To the OP, since you were looking for advice, and not judgements, I will try and give my best advice.

Have you tried talking to the mom about the move?? Maybe you can come up with an agreement like the DSD can stay with you guys M-TH nights and the mom can pick up the DSD from school on friday(or your house) and take her to school(the one that your dd's go to) on Monday. This way you are still splitting the week, you don't have to do the driving, and the DSD isn't ripped out of a neighborhood that she already knows and put into a new school, and new day care for after school.

I really don't think the OP was trying to "take" the DSD from her mom, I think that she just wants whats best for her. She didn't say she wanted full custody of DSD and to be her mother and for her bio mom to never see her...COME ON.

Lately these boards have turned into a flaming, bashing website....come here if you want to get yelled at or degraded...you can't even ask a question without getting for it. The OP was asking for advice not to be called a homewrecker, or kidnapper(so to speak).

OP good luck with whatever happens, and please let us know.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

Just curious (since you brought it up kind of by mentioning how your ex met his current wife), was your DH still married when his daughter came to your daycare? Because, that would be awful for the girl's mom to lose her husband to the daycare provider then have the daycare provider try to take custody of the child. That would be a truly horrific scenario for any mom.

omg...of course not!!! They were already divorced and so was I, my husband was a single father when I met him...they divorced because of infidelity and cheating on her part, but I suppose that is slanderous to say or admit...btw, I was not the provider of daycare, I was the director of the center, but no they had been divorced for quite a long time.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

This is not your battle.And this is not your child.

I kind of take exception to this quote. I think it is wonderful that the OP apparently loves this child like her own. My own DH loves my children as if they were his own. When you are raising a child at least 50% of the time, whether they are biological or not, and are meeting their needs, providing protection and nuturing, they are indeed your child!

It seems they all have a very nice set-up right now, OP's sd gets to spend max time with her step sis', has a caring step-mom to watch her after school while her mom works, etc. I would be thrilled if my kids had a step-mom who was so involved. It does not sound to me at all like the OP is trying to take away her sd from her mother. I think she is truly concerned about what is best for her sd. THE ONLY THING I WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY IS LEAVE THE BRO IN LAW (LAWYER) OUT OF IT. Legal counsel would be my last resort and only if I thought the outcome would be truly detrimental to the child. All parents need to sit down and see what they can come up with that would satisfy all parties involved, especially the kids.

I suppose we could battle all day on whos child is whos and what makes a child ones and not anothers...my stepfather is my dad because he adopted my brother and I...you do not have to be biologically attached to a child to be a parent, my friend is raising her stepdaughters three little kids all under 4 yo because the mother was into drugs and the state stepped in...I suppose you are going to say they are not her child either, right???

Well, let me say, I do for her what I do for my own children and there are some step situations that are not like that obviously...

besides, it would not be ME taking her to court, it would be my husband HER FATHER, who would be doing that with his own free will, time and expense.


Let's ask dsd how she feels about going to a new school and moving to a whole new place when she is here half the time as it is...(Actually more because I stay home with them)...

its not my child so I suppose I should charge her"parents" for daycare, right? I should probably charge milage for the times I pick up dsd with my car and my gas, especially if it would be her mother's "day" to do it. right?? I suppose when she goes on vacations and leaves dsd here with me, on those days that would be hers and my dh works, I should charge SOMEONE right? Or maybe I should just say, "no she is not welcome in her home until the next half of the week!!!" And I suppose she should spend her vacations and after school times in a daycare facility that she does not like, because after all, she is not my child...

I take care of a lot of children and they are like mine. I work with a very special group of children at school and have always taken care of them like they were mine, is that not what parents expect from caregivers?? Every teacher I know refers to the class as "my students"

look a family is a family and believe it or not, we get along fine...we go to parties together, workoout together, borrow exercise tapes from each other, go to hockey games together...this is not at all a fighting situation...as much as some would like to make it a bio vs non bio debate...it is not.

to those who have been married to the same spouse, that is ideal and wonderful. I wish my dh was the first man I had ever married, really I do.

However we have what we have now and yes, by looking at our pic below and looking at our scrapbook I posted, you can tell we are all very very distraught people... bitter and unhappy to the bitter end...we are negative and nasty and used those Philharmagic glasses to cover the black eyes!!!

Thank you for your help in this situation. I greatly appreciate it.
THANK YOU the few who have been supportive. I do want the best for every child...there is not one little child I would ever turn away that needed me...that is just who I am.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I think the one thing that is being missed is this---While there may be "JOINT CUSTODY" only one parent has "PHYSICAL CUSTODY"---and unfortunately the one with physical custody can make all the decisions. If her bio mom wants to move she alone has that right and its up to the bio dad to do anything and everything in his power to maintain his visitation. The "NON PHYSICAL CUSTODIAN" can say they don't like how something is but it won't hold as much water as what the "PHYSICAL CUSTODIAN" has to say whether you go in front of a judge or not.

Your best bet to help your husband keep contact with HIS daughter(if you decide to go before a judge he/she isn't going to pay much heed to YOUR wants or wishes) is to be amicable towards whatever decision her bio mom makes and roll with the punches.

 

[punkin]

I think the one thing that is being missed is this---While there may be "JOINT CUSTODY" only one parent has "PHYSICAL CUSTODY"---and unfortunately the one with physical custody can make all the decisions. If her bio mom wants to move she alone has that right and its up to the bio dad to do anything and everything in his power to maintain his visitation. The "NON PHYSICAL CUSTODIAN" can say they don't like how something is but it won't hold as much water as what the "PHYSICAL CUSTODIAN" has to say whether you go in front of a judge or not.

Your best bet to help your husband keep contact with HIS daughter(if you decide to go before a judge he/she isn't going to pay much heed to YOUR wants or wishes) is to be amicable towards whatever decision her bio mom makes and roll with the punches.

That's not entirely true. Joint custody can be legal custody or physical custody or both. Whatthe OP is describing sounds like joint legal and physical custody.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

That's not entirely true. Joint custody can be legal custody or physical custody or both. Whatthe OP is describing sounds like joint legal and physical custody.

Sorry but I have never heard of joint physical custody---That would only make the courts job that much harder--Joint legal yes happens everyday in probably 98% of divorces but not joint physical---Only one parent can maintain physical custody while the other enjoys visitation--whatever the visitation is be it every day after school or weekends only.