Brokenhearted: A Life Update
So, here we go.
I mentioned it on The Running Thread back when it happened, but now a couple of weeks have passed and it's finally time to put it all out there so I can truly move on.
On Saturday, Feb. 10, in Cusco, Peru, my father passed away. He was 64.
My Dad was the best of everything on offer - an amazingly loving and devoted husband, a proud (and beloved) father, and an instant friend to all those he encountered.
He is survived by my Mom - his wife of 40 years, myself and Mr. Keels, my two younger brothers, and his most favorite child - his dog, Buddy.
A memorial celebrating his life will be held at a later date, in Fort Worth, Texas.
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Losing a parent is hard.
Losing a parent in a foreign country, where you don't speak the language? And are left to handle everything? Well, it's just brutal.
My father was cremated at a funeral home in Lima on Tuesday, February 20. I'm still sitting here waiting for the Embassy to get a Health Document that will finally allow his remains to be released, so I can pay for them to fly cargo (which is as much as a first-class ticket, but with far less fun and comfort) back to me here in Orlando. When all this BS is finished, what I will have paid for him to be cremated and transported in a small cardboard box would finance at least three one-week deluxe vacations to Disney for a family of 4. I'm just hoping that I can keep all of it under $10k, because
travel insurance doesn't cover any of this.
Meanwhile, our daily discussions start with when we think his ashes might get here, and I go through the latest translated communications I have (which are meager, at best) and then the day happens. I go run or ride my bike, or "run errands". My Mom cries, and then goes out to "piddle around". Or I come back from an unnecessary run and she's just crying in the living room.
The waiting is killing me. I keep trying to go on with my life, but at certain parts of the day ... there is just this big, huge hole and just an emptiness that I'm not sure will ever be filled or made whole. I don't really WANT to do anything, but I just don't want to be in this house. And my desire to deal with any petty BS is pretty much non-existent. I have no F's to give, about anything. I bother my friends via text, because I JUST need to talk about something else. But really, I want to go home, to my house, to my backyard, to my bed. For the first time in my life, I'm by Disney and I don't even want to go. I force myself, hoping that it will help - and I feel ... nothing.
Between having the flu the week before my Dad died and now, I'm down 18 pounds and down almost 2 minutes on my average time. I don't really eat much. I don't sleep more than 2-3 hours in a stretch, though that's been a little better after I had the same alarm and camera system installed here at the Orlando house (like my Dad would've been able to fend off an intruder, but whatever ...). I have a really big approval hearing coming up about a platform I built and am trying to get non-profit approval on, but I've fallen so behind because of this that I'm sure I'm going to lose.
On top of that, every day I'm left to make decisions - or I'm asked what to do, and it's just so hard. I feel bad for my Mom, who is a widow at 62. But, because I'm selfish, I never thought I'd be having to deal with this crap at 36 either. So now, I'm just mad about that too.
I'm pretty sure I'm stuck in the Anger portion of the Grief "Cycle", though I don't really believe that's how feelings progress - at least for me. There was never any Denial or Bargaining - I'm a pragmatist, so I wasn't completely surprised by the news. Acceptance came pretty easily. Depression? Well, that's a given. But I'm mostly still just Angry.
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I know it doesn't come across, but I've always been painfully shy. I have terrible anxiety and worry extensively about what people think of me. All I've ever wanted in my life was to be a nice person, a good friend, and just someone that people could generally count on. I want to be the rock for the people in my life, just in sheer hope that someone will do the same for me in return.
Maybe some of that anxiety and a need to do things for myself has pushed me to do so much in the running realm - or maybe I just needed to prove to myself that I could channel all the worry and fear I have in my head into something motivating, something that pushes me and challenges me and drives me. Whatever it is, I learned through all of the training and the races that the only person that would never count me out was me - and I know that's a lesson I needed to learn. I needed to find that faith and trust and ultimate belief in myself to break me out of my shell.
@OldSlowGoofyGuy put it best when he told me to think of it like the Marathon ... there are some miles that you feel great, and some miles where you just need to find one singular reason to get your feet to keep moving forward to get down the block, around the corner and on to the next mile marker. Grief and sadness truly feels like a marathon - the highs, the lows, the distance ... they're all there. I hope that the finish to my grief is soon. Some days, I feel like I'm at Mile 24, but then the next day I'm back in Cone Alley.
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I won't tag everyone - since you know who you are - but real thanks to everyone that has reached out. It sounds silly, but so many people from here have become such close friends, and even the people I don't know as closely still feel like family.
As a personal request - tell everyone in your life how much you love and appreciate them today. Live your life to the fullest and never stop - life is just too short.
I love each and every one of you, and I'm proud to share this space with you. Keep chasing your dreams, your goals and never give up.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
