Issues with MIL - need to vent.

[Michie]

So you have a MIL who's a pain sometimes.

You also have a DH who allows it or at least doesn't want to confront them about it.

You have lived with them for a year. Quite frankly, if someone had lived with me for a year, I'd probably say some pretty nasty stuff out of frustration too.

It's time for you two to be grown-ups, move a bit further away from Mommy and Daddy and stop using their stuff & using their baby-sitting services.

Create some distance between you all, since you've had an enormous amount of closeness.

I agree! It is time to buy your own washer and dryer!!

 

[Charles Darwin]

It's time for you two to be grown-ups, move a bit further away from Mommy and Daddy and stop using their stuff & using their baby-sitting services.

i agree. maybe mil's a little resentful of having your family living in her house for a year, yet taking 2 disney trips within 6 months. can't say i blame her.

 

[phillybeth]

i agree. maybe mil's a little resentful of having your family living in her house for a year, yet taking 2 disney trips within 6 months. can't say i blame her.

Hmmm, yeah, that does change things a bit

 

[Cindyluwho]

just a hug!

 

[dolcezena]

Yikes

I don't just say that about what happened to you OP, but about some of the stuff that followed. My DFi flatly refuses to have anything to do with my mom & I agree with his decision - she said some things that were COMPLETELY unacceptable.

I'm not going to go into it, but I've come to learn that some parents are never satisfied with the way their "kid's" lives are going. There's always going to be something wrong.

Also, I don't believe OP necessarily should feel "grateful" to her in-laws for giving her family a helping hand. Some parents seem to take joy in constantly reminding their offspring about how much they're owed. I guess that sometimes that feeling fades, so they toss in a car, or a vacation, or the use of a cabin to keep that "gratitude" going. Try & imagine saying yes to something that seems like sheer generosity & then find out what the real costs are that come along with it.

 

[rie'smom]

I love my MIL,however,she does talk about my SILs to me. So,naturally,I figure she talks to them about me. Here I am discussing her.
Living in close quarters cannot have been easy for any of you. Frustrations were bound to build and now,maybe your MIL feels free to express her frustrations. I'm not saying that what she did was right but maybe it was understandable.

 

[ilovejack02]

I would let this one pass, but next time you hear something she says, yell out "I heard that " and hopefuly she will learn a lesson.

I totally agree with that !!!

With that being said, I think you cant live with someone for almost a yr and not have them be a little resentful. Im not saying she is right, but i had family stay with us for quite a while after Katrina and it turned me into a real witch!!!
I am usually such a nice calm person, but after house guest for several months I was not a nice person anymore.
Good luck!!!

 

[Katy Belle]

I think we all need to vent and that is what your MIL was doing. Really, it was a very slight insult, still not fun to hear, but not a big deal in the whole grand scheme of things. I don't think your DH should say anything. If it was an ongoing thing, yes, he should say something. If it was a vent in the telephone...nope.

Did you buy the house across the street, or rent? If its rent I think I'd try to move farther away and become independent of them.

Good luck!
Katy

 

[LindsayDunn228]

i agree. maybe mil's a little resentful of having your family living in her house for a year, yet taking 2 disney trips within 6 months. can't say i blame her.

I totally agree.

 

[Chattyaholic]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with MIL issues, and I can understand how your feelings have been hurt by her. I think you should let her know you heard what she said on the phone and that it hurt your feelings. Even if she doesn't respond, you will at least have it off your chest. And as for her saying you do things wrong because you're a "country girl", I would just tell her you're sorry she feels that way. She really has no right to criticize how you do things. She has her way of doing things and you have your way, there is no "right" or "wrong" with either way, just "different."

 

[poohluvrs]

I think I would let it go. Like your husband said, consider the source. There's nothing that my MIL could say to me that would bother me, because I just don't care what she thinks. If you do confront her, what do you expect to accomplish? An apology? This is obviously how she feels and you can't change that. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. But this is just what some MILs are good at.

This is good advice!

Sorry to the OP. Sounds like your MIL really helped your family out, I'm not saying this justifies her comments about you, I just think at this point be the bigger person and let it go, for your sanity as well.

 

[C.Ann]

MIL's can be difficult - that's for sure.. So can Mom's.. DD has had similar problems with her MIL in the past.. She is not the woman that her MIL would have chosen for her son (she wanted her son to marry someone of her nationality) and they have been known to butt heads from time to time.. To be totally fair though, at times the MIL has been very, very kind and generous to my DD.. A few years ago my DD went through a very tragic situation that really opened her eyes to what is important in life and what is nothing more than an annoyance.. For the most part she is able to overlook any jabs from her MIL now and by doing so, the jabs have become far less frequent..

As others have said, you didn't hear the other end of the conversation - and let's face it, everyone gripes about everyone at one point or another.. It's probably best to ignore the comment rather than start World War III over it.. You're married to her son and you're going to stay married to her son.. Her problems with you are her problems - don't make them yours..

 

[Disney Doll]

Yikes
Also, I don't believe OP necessarily should feel "grateful" to her in-laws for giving her family a helping hand. Some parents seem to take joy in constantly reminding their offspring about how much they're owed. I guess that sometimes that feeling fades, so they toss in a car, or a vacation, or the use of a cabin to keep that "gratitude" going. Try & imagine saying yes to something that seems like sheer generosity & then find out what the real costs are that come along with it.

You are correct. Some parents do take joy in reminding their children how much they are "owed". So, don't give them any ammunition by "owing" them anything.

DH & I have been married almost 16 years. When we were house-hunting, we had a conversation about what we wanted to buy and how we would go about it. We had saved a fairly decent downpayment at that point, and could buy what would be considered a "starter" home in our area (which in our case is also going to be our "finisher" home because we love our little house! ). There was more than one person who said "But if you borrow money from your parents, you can get something bigger and better". DH & I decided that we did not ever want to put ourselves in the position of having someone be able to say "If it wasn't for us, you wouldn't own that house". That isn't to say that our parents weren't very generous to us over the years in other ways, through gifts and especially with their time. But even the best person could have the tendency to say "After all I did for you...." in the right circumstances.

Again, you borrow money from people, you live in their home, you use their washer/dryer...then you give them an "entree" into your life, you give them the opinion that they have a right to comment because, after all, look at all they've done for you.

DH & I bought a house that was close to both sets of parents ( about 10 minutes)...we are sort of in the middle of where their homes are/were (my in-laws are both dead now), but they still had to get into the car to get to our house, they could not see our house from their house. That was a conscious decision.

 

[SC Minnie]

I wouldn't like to be talked about either but if the worse thing she said about you is that you gripe too much then let it go. If it were me would I be hurt, yes, but so what. Maybe you do gripe too much in her eyes (living with them with 2 kids I am sure you were probably on the kids to not make a mess or too much noise, etc. I do the same thing when at my parents). Consider the source and let it go. If she had said you are a terrible wife and mother and don't take care of your kids - that I would NOT let go.

 

[hentob]

I wouldn't like to be talked about either but if the worse thing she said about you is that you gripe too much then let it go..

But that wasn't what she said. Her MIL said "But it's such a shame what those kids have to deal with for a mother. All she does is gripe."

She was actually saying that it was a shame what the kids have for a mother. That is HURTFUL. As far as I am concerned, she was saying her son was a good father but her daughter in law was not a good mother and it was a shame for the children to have to deal with her. That is awful

I also agree, though, with the posters who question what kind of man would allow his family to not have a home of their own, yet have money for Disney trips It seems as though his step father was a questionable adult figure, yet the OP and her DH left the children with them whilst they went out alone The OP and her DH have to take some responsibility for some of the OPs complaints.

Also, I don't think it is a wise choice to move o an apartment building that does not have a washer and dryer--Especially when you have two children. And then to move across the street form the in-laws

I say move.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, my FIL did go off and talk about what a horrid wife/mother I am. (Believe me, it was all out of his hatred, I am totally devoted to my husband and my son.)

My point is, I don't care how bad the comments may have been, the OP should NOT address it with her MIL, at all. The OP needs to speak to her husband about the problems with their marriage, and their co-dependancy on his parents, etc... They need to move forward, and to leave this whole thing BEHIND!!!

If her DH is not onboard with moving forward, and with establishing some boundaries, then the OP does have a serious problem.

Also, the other posters are right... Anyone who is supposedly 'happy' letting others live off them must certainly have their own ulterior motives. They are getting some kind of strange psychological satisfaction out of it. And, yes, the day will come when the OP's husband will hear, "But look at ALL we did for YOU".

The OP and her husband need to live their OWN life. It sounds like there is some real immaturity going on, and both of them need to grow up. They need to find an appropriate place to live, that includes a place to provide clean clothing for their family.

Then, the husband needs to, at that time, let his mother know that it is not appropriate to make these kinds of negative judgemental comments. That he simply will not stand and watch that happen.

 

[hentob]

My point is, I don't care how bad the comments may have been, the OP should NOT address it with her MIL, at all. The OP needs to speak to her husband about the problems with their marriage, and their co-dependancy on his parents, etc... They need to move forward, and to leave this whole thing BEHIND!!!

OP--This is VERY good advice!!! Worth repeating!!

 

[mvazul]

Thank you for all of your responses. I really do appreciate every single one of them.

Just a little clarification....

Moving in with my MIL was not only for financial reasons. Yes, it had some to do with it, but was not the major factor. We had a house with 5 acres in NC. We loved our home very much and did not want to move. However, the school system was horrible. Also, my ex lived just an hour away. There were major legal issues (including 4 felony assualt charges and a restraining order) with him. He was the main reason we moved. It was for the saftey of our children. We moved in with MIL, because we could not afford a mortgage and a rent payment. Plus, MIL had just had double knee replacement surgery. She needed the help. It was a mutual decision on all parties for us to move in.

DH is most certainly not tied to any apron strings. I guess my post doesn't explain that very well. Until we moved back here (Chicago) last year, he had been on the East coast for almost 25 years. DH does take care of us very well. As I said, part of the reason we moved in was because we couldn't afford a mortgage and rent at the same time. It took a year for our house to sell. We started looking for our own place as soon as it sold. We weren't mooching off them. We bought the majority of the groceries and cooked most of the meals. That is what they asked us to do. We offered to pay them rent and they refused.

It has been difficult to find a place here. There is no way we can afford a house. The least expensive we have found near the school we want the kids to attend is $550,000. Most are in the $800,000 range plus. So, we have decided to rent. We have found a couple we liked, but weren't close enough to the kids' school. The apartment we are in now was found by accident. The landlord remembers DH from when he was a kid and offered us a price we couldn't refuse - $500 a month less than what we had budgeted for rent. Unfortunately it's down the block from MIL and does not have a washer or dryer. But, it is still within walking distance to the school and still well within our budget. Plus, we don't have to pay an extra $50-$100 a month for parking. We are doing what we feel is best for our family. Every place we looked at had it's pros and cons. This one had more pros even being on the same block as MIL.

The day we found out DD was punched in the face while in MIL's DH's care, we decided that we are not leaving the kids with them anymore. The only reason we didn't hire a babysitter before is because it was MIL's house. The kids usually go everywhere with us - even when MIL suggests we leave them with her so we can have some alone time. They didn't that day, because we could only get two tickets for the Cubs'/Cardinals' game. MIL encouraged us to go and have some time alone. There was another time we could only get two tickets for a game and I stayed home with DD while DH took DS.

As far as the laundry issue goes, that has been taken care of, too. I have Mondays off from work and that will be laundry day - at the laundromat. I had used MIL's that day, because we were still moving things out of the house. I thought I would "kill two birds with one stone" and get laundry done while packing/moving. That was my mistake. One I won't be repeating.

I don't want to make my MIL out to be a horrible person, because she isn't. She really has been good to me. As alot of you pointed out, she is probably frustrated at this point to have had us living there all this time and was just venting. Just as I was doing here. I understand that, because I am frustrated we have had to live there all this time. I don't have a problem with her venting or even talking behind my back. The problem I have is that I did overhear what she thinks of me (completely by accident) and it hurts. I didn't stick around to hear the rest of her conversation. As I said earlier, I get very uncomfortable when I do overhear someone's conversation. I finished my laundry and left.

Another thing, my DH is completely on my side when it comes to issues with his mother. He would be behind me saying something if I feel I need to. I don't need or want him to speak for me. However, he thinks I should let it go, because he knows how she can be. He doesn't think it is worth my time and energy. Also, there have been other things said by either MIL or her DH that my DH heard and he did confront them at the moment it happened.

Anyway, before I even posted, DH and I had already decided we will be hiring a babysitter from now on. Also, we will be using the laundromat. I have also decided I will not confront her about this. I don't see it producing anything good. But, if she does say something off-hand to me, I will not bite my tongue anymore.

Thank you, again, to all of you for your advice and opinions. I really do appreciate all of it.

 

[Keli]

I have also decided I will not confront her about this. I don't see it producing anything good. But, if she does say something off-hand to me, I will not bite my tongue anymore.

I think you are doing the right thing here. And I'm sure that being out of the house will take stress off of everyone.

 

[Chicago526]

Two different posters stated something I took exception to.

1. You lived with them for a year!!! Don't even wanna go into details why...... Bottom line, your husband is not supporting his family.

I also agree, though, with the posters who question what kind of man would allow his family to not have a home of their own, yet have money for Disney trips

Why is it her DH's job to support the family financially, exactly? Last I checked marriage was a team sport. It's both their duty to support the family. Oh wait, maybe the OP lives in a 1950's sitcom!

And no I'm not saying both parents must work, there are more ways to support a family than by having a job.

OP, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Just drop it, and don't rely on your in-laws any more for help, even if they offer. And I hope things are resolved with your ex, he sounds scary!