Issues with MIL - need to vent.

[mvazul]

First, a little background...

DH, DS12, DD5 and I have been living with MIL and her husband for almost a year - would have been one year next month. I got along very well with MIL. I have been surprised at how well things have been going. Anytime we talked about moving out, she would always tell us to take our time, because she "loved" having us there.

We really needed to find a place for our own peace of mind. MIL's husband has been hard to live with. He went behind my back and told DS that I treat him like a baby and shouldn't listen to me. Then, a couple weeks ago, DH and I went to a baseball game and left the kids with MIL and her husband. The husband took the kids across the street to the playground. DD was punched in the face by another kid. MIL's DH did NOTHING. DS tried to tell the kid to leave his sister alone and MIL's DH old DS to sit down, be quiet and stay out of it. To this day, neither MIL or her DH have even mentioned the fact that he took them to the playground let alone that DD was punched in the face.

We finally found a place and moved out this past weekend. We are now diagonally across the street from MIL. I was told by MIL that I could continue to use her washer/dryer since we do not have them in our new place. On Sunday, we were moving stuff from her house to our apartment. I threw in a load of laundry and started it before taking a load of boxes to the apartment. I came back later to get more stuff and move the laundry from the washer to the dryer.

I had gone in through the back of the house via the basement, because that's where the washer and dryer are. No sense in trapsing through the house. My DS was calling down to me and I was answering him. Definitely was not being quiet about the fact I was there. Anyway, the phone rang. I was not eavesdropping and get very uncomfortable when I am able to hear other people's conversations. However, I couldn't help but overhear MIL's side of the converstaion while I was finishing up laundry. I don't think she knew I was there.

It was one of DH's siblings. I heard MIL say, "Well, if you want to see a good dad, you need to see your brother (meaning my DH) with those kids. He is so good with them." I thought to myself what a nice thing to say. Then, she said something else that felt like a 2x4 was slammed upside my head. She then said, "But it's such a shame what those kids have to deal with for a mother. All she does is gripe."

I am so upset and hurt by the comment. DH said I need to just let it go and consider the source, but how do I do that? How do I forget what I heard? This isn't the first time she has said something about me. Only last time she said it to my face. The last time she told me I was "too country" and did things wrong (cooking, cleaning, raising my kids, etc.) because I "don't know any better". I was absolutely stunned and didn't know what to say. I have been trying to let that one go for quite awhile now. It hasn't been easy.

My mother thinks I should confront her about it. I'm not sure I should. I really don't think it will solve anything. Plus, I think she would just deny it, anyway. However, I feel if I don't, how am I going to be able to deal with her? I have held my tongue on many things this past year for fear we would be kicked out and not have a roof over our heads. DH is constantly telling me to speak up and not hold my toungue. But, I have been raised to respect my elders. I hate confrontation. I usually just never say anything and it continues to sit and eat at me.

So, do I let it go or confront her? TIA for listening!!

 

[MushyMushy]

Awww, I don't know. I'm sorry that was so hurtful.

I think I would say something just to clear the air. I'd rather not leave it to fester.

 

[Evil Genius]

If you didn't bring up that her dh took your children out alone and one of them got hurt, then why bring this up?

I would let it slide.

 

[Beth76]

I think I would let it go. Like your husband said, consider the source. There's nothing that my MIL could say to me that would bother me, because I just don't care what she thinks. If you do confront her, what do you expect to accomplish? An apology? This is obviously how she feels and you can't change that. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. But this is just what some MILs are good at.

 

[Paull117]

DW and I think my mother is the same way. I have said a few things, but we are to the point where we don't go over to their house as much or invite them over. The one thing that is weird is that our kids they are well behaved and do chores with us. I know my parents think we are too strict, but then I look at my sisters kid, which by the way my mother watches. The kid is aways shouting at everything and everyone. He never picks up toys and they are always broken. Then if my kids even spend a couple hours with them they start picking up that attitude and start smarting off at us.

The good thing is that they are an hour away. Close enough to visit, but far just far enough to have some space. Our worst decision was to take them to WDW with us. They where begging and we knew the last trip was going to be short so we let them.

Paul

 

[mommasita]

to you..

You have to know this is not anything to do with you. IT sounds like no matter who it was that married her son, she would talk this way. I had one like that, and it did hurt, I won't lie, but I grew tougher skin, and let her now I was on to her game, and that it would not bother me..Funny thing, it stopped.

Surely you are a fantastic mother

 

[auntpolly]

OK, I think what you have to remember is that people say bad things about bad things all the time -- this is not an excuse but a fact. I know that I've said things that - oh god - I'd feel terrible if they heard me.

I don't know this lady's story, but if she is basically good to you just count your blessings. Think of it this way - is there anything that you maybe have ever said about here or her husband that you never meant for them to hear and if they had heard they'd be hurt about? I just mean that off hand remarks are said sometimes and most times we never even really mean them, we're just running our mouths.

I know that it will be hard to let go - I'd be just as hurt as you are, believe me. It's just that it probably means nothing.

I might say something to her though, knowing me, but in a teasing way - I'd say, "Ya know mom, hahahahaha - I heard what you said on the phone hahahahaha - I think the kids will survive with me as a mom!!! hahahaha!" But that's just me and I have such a big mouth!!!

 

[phillybeth]

I think you need to move further away than across the street. That's not far enough IMO.

 

[Chicago526]

Threads like these make me glad that my MIL lives three states away!

I'd do my best to ignore it. You obviously weren't supposed to overhear it, and she'd just get mad at you for eavesdropping (even though it was accidental). Then she'd be talking behind your back that your a sneak and a snoop! She feels how she feels, not much is going to change it. Some people just can't be satisfied, it sounds like your MIL is one of those.

Maybe next time you talk with her, just start complaining about how some people talk behind other's backs, and how rude that is. All you do is gripe, afterall!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

1) For starters you are "too close" if she knows your personal business.

2) DO NOT listen to your mother!
So you gripe....heck, what mother doesn't?!
Respect your DH and consider the source.

3) Do your laundry somewhere else and put some distance and privacy back into your family.

 

[auntpolly]

Hold on guys - I really don't think she needs to write this woman off over a few crazy stuff she said.

In 25 years ago DHs mom and grandma, who I have really adored, have said some weird things to me. I have probably said some weird things to them.

In what I've thought was the privacy of our home, I've said to DH things like, "Your mom is crazy!" (she acts a little crazy sometimes) and "Your grandmother is a witch!" (she did some kind of mean things sometimes).

I was just venting - I would die if they had heard me. Don't you think we just say some things we don't mean sometimes and it's just unfortunate if the person finds out?

If this were a chronic thing, I'd be doing something about it, otherwise, really, I'd try to let it go.

 

[kidzmom3]

I think you are in a very difficult situation to say anything and these are my reasons why:

you said that if they had kicked you out , you would be without a roof over your
heads. This means to me that they helped support you financially

the kids were watched by them while you went out fun places-they supported
your togetherness as a couple and babysat for free-another financial link

you overheard a private conversation, you never hear anything good when you eavesdrop. I know you said you didn't mean to overhear, but you could have walked out.

you said nothing when your child was hurt. Not even to ask for an explanation, because your kids could have gotten the story wrong. Not lying, just kids see things differently than adults.

you have bad talked them here on the DIS, if she saw it, wouldn't her feelings be hurt.

you have obviously vented to your own mother, talking about her just as much as she has about you.

your husband does not support you causing a fight with his family. Without his support, you will feel even more frustrated and angry.

you still use their appliances to save yourself money and effort of going to the laundry mat

you chose to move across the street, so anything they have done before now was not enough to cause you to move far away.

Good luck, its hard.

 

[PaulaSue]

I would not say anything but I would watch what you let them do around your children. Who knows what they are saying to them. ((HUGS))

 

[Wishing on a star]

As I have said many many times before, these issues are not 'inlaw' issues, they are 'marriage' issues.


1. You lived with them for a year!!! Don't even wanna go into details why...... Bottom line, your husband is not supporting his family. And also, You cannot look a gift-horse in the mouth or bite the hand that feeds you. You feel free to just walk into the home like it is your own, be prepared to hear a few things you might not like.

2. Now that you have moved out, it is -across the street-!!! That rates a triple
You and your husband need some distance and some privacy and a life without being being tied to mommy's apron strings. I see huge 'marriage' issues here.

3. Your husband is right that you should just let it go. The only problem is that, even when his child was hit in the face he was not able to address the issue. HUGE problem. Once again, this is a 'marriage' issue. By 'let it go' it seems that your husband is really saying 'let MIL have her way, and disrespect his wife and kids'. He is saying 'who cares about your or the kids feelings, my mom's feelings are what is most important to me, not yours'.

4. You said that your husband is constantly telling me to speak up and not hold my tongue. HUGE red flag there... Your husband should never put you in the middle!!!! If there is an issue, HE should be the one to step up and to speak to his parents. He is setting you up to be the fall guy. Again, huge 'marriage' issue.

5. Your mother is wrong. Confrontation will get you nothing but trouble and heartache. You need to discuss the situation with your husband and decide how you need to proceed to handle these issues with his parents. Then, proceed as planned.

6. Right now, effective immediately, you need to make decisions regarding your own boundaries. Personally, if anyone allowed my child to be assaulted, then my child would not be entrusted to their care. Personally, I would never do another load of laundry at their house, or enter their home unannounced, ever again.

 

[Teacher03]

I don't blame you for your hurt feelings, but as another has pointed out, we all say things at time that are not meant to be overheard. If your MIL has been good to you, and it seems as she has, I would let it go. However, I wouldn't do laundry there anymore. I think you need to not be so dependent on your inlaws, even though they offered.

 

[Disney Doll]

So you have a MIL who's a pain sometimes.

You also have a DH who allows it or at least doesn't want to confront them about it.

You have lived with them for a year. Quite frankly, if someone had lived with me for a year, I'd probably say some pretty nasty stuff out of frustration too.

It's time for you two to be grown-ups, move a bit further away from Mommy and Daddy and stop using their stuff & using their baby-sitting services.

Create some distance between you all, since you've had an enormous amount of closeness.

 

[floridafam]

Honestly, I think I would be more upset with my DH. He needs to step in and say something if that's the route you choose.

 

[Keli]

Listen, what she said was unkind and hurtful. But she didn't say it to you and I suspect she never thought you'd know she said it. We all say stuff we don't necessarily mean when we're tired, upset, or just in a bad mood.
And maybe your MIL was feeling a little on edge about you leaving. Or maybe she does think you gripe too much. Who cares? I suspect she was just doing a little venting and that she actually likes you. A MIL that didn't like you would not allow you to live with her for nearly a year in relative harmony.

 

[Connieh]

I would let this one pass, but next time you hear something she says, yell out "I heard that " and hopefuly she will learn a lesson.

 

[diznygirl]

Since you didn't hear the other side of the convo, you really can't be 100% sure of the context. And really, nothing good can come of it. So best not to say anything.

But I think you should get her a nice gift as a thank you for allowing you guys to live there. Tell her she's the best! (guilt, guilt, guilt!)