Is This Tacky? Funeral...

[DebbieB]

I just reread the OP. It does say one of the children made the announcement but then the wife and children went home. That doesn't make sense. When I first read it, I thought the person who made the announcement went to the bar. If no one from the family was there, then who did everyone think was going to pay for the drinks?

 

[Magic Mom]

Yes, I think it's tacky that anyone would have expected the family to foot the bar bill.

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

I would have assumed I was paying for my own drinks.

I have to add I am so happy I don't live in an area where it is expected that I host restaurant/bar meal/drinks after I bury my beloved family member. funerals are traumatic enough, not to mention expensive, and to be expected to play hostess would not work for me. don't get me wrong, we've had people back to the house after, but it was for coffee/drinks/deli platter kind of stuff, not a huge expense, and to be honest so many people sent food that was mostly what was put out.

i agree, i can't imagine expecting the family to "treat me" while they're greaving. we do the deli platter/coffee thing at someones house as well.

 

[tvguy]

We had a gathering at a bar after my mother-in-law's funeral. We brought in sandwichs from a local deli, and we picked up the bar tab. Her late husband had been the bartender their , and that is where they met. I think the sandwiches cost $30 and the bar tab came to $30, but I don't think the owner charged us anywhere going rate for the drinks since her husband had worked there, and almost everyone at the gathering were his regulars.

 

[powellrj]

We always do funeral dinners at the church after the service. In fact, I was called to make hashbrown casserole for one yesterday! No drinks are ever served, in fact I have never been to any type of a funeral dinner that had alcohol of any kind.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would say that the announcement was handled improperly and the waitress should have said something as well before the patrons order their drinks.

 

[C.Ann]

For me it 100% weird for me to even image going out for drinks after a funeral
.

Very, very common - especially among the Irish..

I've been to every kind of funeral posted here and even if I hadn't, I would have assumed I would be paying for my own drinks (although I don't drink alcoholic beverages)..

 

[LuvLDM]

Yes, I think it's tacky that anyone would have expected the family to foot the bar bill.

Yup, that's the only thing I find tacky in this scenario

 

[Handbag Lady]

I would not have assumed anything but upon hearing what the waitress said I assure you that in my family, there would have been a fight to pay that bill. Everyone would want to pay for everyone else.

We also would very much drink in and around a funeral. Not AT the funeral, but the day before at the wake and after the service.

However. At my aunt's funeral last December, the actual FUNERAL funeral, there was a bar tab.

 

[Polyluvr]

Ditto this. I just attended one two weeks ago. After the funeral was a sit down meal in a restaurant, salad, appetizer, entree and dessert, plus drinks for anyone that wanted to come after the funeral. I could also see how that could be confusing when that is what usually happens afterwards.

That's how it's done here too.
And beer and wine are usually included;mixed drinks have been included in a few after funeral functions I have attended.

 

[mjkacmom]

It really is a cultural thing. Around here, a meal is almost always offered after a funeral. My Irish family has the funeral repast at a restaurant, with open bar. I've also been to them at the family's home. In that case, either the family provides the food, or people donate food. But there is always food (and usually at least wine and beer - everyone is either Irish, Italian, or both). The restaurant works well, because people end up donating SO much food, that a lot goes to waste (my sister was on the cleanup committee for her gf's mom's funeral respast, and she said what a shame it was for so much to go to waste).

I don't think this situation was tacky, I think it was a communication issue. The waitress certainly isn't to blame - how the heck does she know the family indicated they were hosting this event, and that the guests thought the tab was covered.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would have never assumed that the drinks were paid for. Traditionally, family members of deceased people don't host shindigs for funeral attendees. Generally, the family will have a get together at a house afterward and funeral attendees often contribute to food (such as a potluck) for the deceased's family.

I would have immediately assumed that this was just an informal get together to hang out and swap stories. Nothing more. Now had it been a wedding rehearsal, I would have felt differently.

Well this must be yet another regional difference because I have never been to a funeral where you were not invited out after it for at least a sit down meal if not a meal and drinks. The most casual of the ones I have been to was my godson....the firehouse took care of that for us and catered food and also had pitchers of beer if you wanted that...there was just so many people at the funeral that the thought of hosting something for 200 people was way to overwhelming!

 

[MELSMICE]

Yup, that's the only thing I find tacky in this scenario

But if it's normal for a certainly area & that's what is customary, then it's really not tacky. Just different than other regions.

Well this must be yet another regional difference because I have never been to a funeral where you were not invited out after it for at least a sit down meal if not a meal and drinks. The most casual of the ones I have been to was my godson....the firehouse took care of that for us and catered food and also had pitchers of beer if you wanted that...there was just so many people at the funeral that the thought of hosting something for 200 people was way to overwhelming!

Same here. There is always something after the actual funeral. I've been to many different things, but it's usually at a restaurant or a hall & it's a catered event.

 

[Magic Mom]

But if it's normal for a certainly area & that's what is customary, then it's really not tacky. Just different than other regions.

She was quoting me, so I'll answer too. If there was a reception or gathering with food offered, I think the guests shouldn't be expected to pay, but regardless of where the region is, it's safe to assume that if a family member of the deceased person calls out "we are going to the bar to say a toast and share stories about Joe," you are paying for your own drinks. And even if you initially thought the greiving family was "buying," it is tasteless to judge them when you find out your drinks aren't really free.

 

[Buckalew11]

I would have assumed I was paying for my own drinks.

I have to add I am so happy I don't live in an area where it is expected that I host restaurant/bar meal/drinks after I bury my beloved family member. funerals are traumatic enough, not to mention expensive, and to be expected to play hostess would not work for me. don't get me wrong, we've had people back to the house after, but it was for coffee/drinks/deli platter kind of stuff, not a huge expense, and to be honest so many people sent food that was mostly what was put out.

Me too. I'm rememberig how expensive it was when my dad died. I can't imagine having to pay for hundreds of people to eat and drink too. Yikes! And like you,the thought of playing hostess isn't a good one. I sorta remember feeling like when we were "receiving friends" at the funeral home. It was tough.

We always do funeral dinners at the church after the service. In fact, I was called to make hashbrown casserole for one yesterday! No drinks are ever served, in fact I have never been to any type of a funeral dinner that had alcohol of any kind.

Around here the church that the family is involed with or are members of provide the food. Either at church or a hall at the funeral home.They do everything from food and tea, coffee, soda to desserts. They clean up too. It makes it so nice for the grieving family.

When dad died at like 8:30 a.m. at home, we were served lunch from mom's Sunday School class by 12. My sister doesn't attend church but her good friend brought us all dinner that night.People around here bring food to your house...mom's sister's and mine. It was amazing how people took care of us.

I guess if it is regional, I'm glad I'm now in this region, lol.

 

[MELSMICE]

Me too. I'm rememberig how expensive it was when my dad died. I can't imagine having to pay for hundreds of people to eat and drink too. Yikes! And like you,the thought of playing hostess isn't a good one. I sorta remember feeling like when we were "receiving friends" at the funeral home. It was tough.

Around here the church that the family is involed with or are members of provide the food. Either at church or a hall at the funeral home.They do everything from food and tea, coffee, soda to desserts. They clean up too. It makes it so nice for the grieving family.

When dad died at like 8:30 a.m. at home, we were served lunch from mom's Sunday School class by 12. My sister doesn't attend church but her good friend brought us all dinner that night.People around here bring food to your house...mom's sister's and mine. It was amazing how people took care of us.

I guess if it is regional, I'm glad I'm now in this region, lol.

It is usually just immediate family members & close friends that go to the funeral "breakfast" as it's called in our region. Some people attend the funeral but do not attend the "breakfast".

People also bring a lot of food to each other homes when someone passes away in our region. I think that is pretty normal.