Is This Tacky? Funeral...

[Rora]

Personally, I would have asked the waitress before ordering if the drinks were covered or not. I don't like to assume things.

Same here.

 

[Nik's Mom]

Something probably should have been mentioned in the announcement. I can see how some people would be confused.

I think it depends on the culture of the family on how funeral receptions are handled. DH's family did not have to do anything after funeral. People came over and brought pot luck food. I was blown away by the generocity of the people who came to the house.

When my dad died, people came over to my house. I never made an announcement. People just knew that my mom was staying with us, so they all came over. I had an uncle (my dad's brother) loudly complain that he was starving and when were we going to serve food. I was shocked. I was ready to tell him where the local restaurant was so he could eat, but my sister decided to go buy take-out for everyone at our house. As if we didn't have enough to deal with...

 

[allison443]

I cut people a lot of slack when it comes to funerals. I figure the family of the deceased has enough to cope with without worrying about being tacky.

I agree.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

It's regional. We always have a full meal/open bar after funerals here. However, after wakes, if there is out-of-town family in, people will just plan to meet up at a bar, and buy their own drinks. I can see how the announcement could be confusing.

ETA, since this was after the funeral, I would've assumed the drinks were paid for - we've never not had open bar after a funeral in our family.

Ditto this. I just attended one two weeks ago. After the funeral was a sit down meal in a restaurant, salad, appetizer, entree and dessert, plus drinks for anyone that wanted to come after the funeral. I could also see how that could be confusing when that is what usually happens afterwards.

 

[golfgal]

Around here that type of event people would assume they are paying for their own drinks. Here a "wake" is typically at the funeral home the day before funeral. Going out after the funeral like this is common but everyone just pays for themselves. IF a family was treating everyone THAT would have been announced not that it was a cash bar.

 

[bettymae1121]

I would have assumed I was paying for my own drink(s) too.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

As others have said, I would have assumed the family was paying. In my area, it is common to have the after funeral lunch/drinks as others have mentioned. If I'm invited somewhere, I assume the other person is picking up the tab unless otherwise specified.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

As always, it's what's done locally that counts. So if it is a common occurance to go out afterwards and pay for yourself, no one would have thought twice. If it's common to go out afterwards and the family covers the bill, then that's why everyone expected it. One is not wrong, one is not right, people just do as they were raised for the most part.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I had no clue it was a regional thing! It is commonplace here!

 

[minniecarousel]

I cut people a lot of slack when it comes to funerals. I figure the family of the deceased has enough to cope with without worrying about being tacky.

Yeah - this is my feeling too.

It sounds more like a misunderstanding, but not tacky.

 

[Pakey]

Personally, I would have asked the waitress before ordering if the drinks were covered or not. I don't like to assume things.

This.

 

[TinklednPants]

I 100% would have assumed the family was paying for everything.

 

[DebbieB]

In my area, there typically is an after funeral lunch that the family pays for. In fact, there's a restaurant I pass that has on their advertising sign "funeral lunches" (among other things). When my mom passed away, her funeral was on a Monday and I overestimated how many people would come to the lunch afterwards and got stuck with a $300 minimum (it was a buffet in a private room). The funeral director made an announcement at the end of the service inviting everyone.

Since the family member made the announcement to come for drinks, I would assume it was being paid for.

 

[happygirl]

For me it 100% weird for me to even image going out for drinks after a funeral

If I was going out to drinks after a funeral I wouldn't even think of having the family pay for it. That seems tacky to me.

 

[bookgirl]

This recently happened to someone I know... I found it odd and thought it would make for a good "Dis Discussion"...

Someone attended a funeral for a 40-something who passed away. At the end of the funeral, one of the children got on the microphone and invited everyone to "ABC Lounge" for drinks and to tell stories of "deceased".

Many people make the trip to ABC Lounge, sit in the designated area and order drinks from the waitresses working the event.

After the funeral, the wife is obviously distraught, and so the wife and children don't make it to ABC Lounge.

Everyone is enjoying drinks and stories, and then someone orders a second drink. The waitress says, "I need you to pay for your first drink first.".

Apparently, the family hadn't paid for any refreshments, they had only reserved a spot at AVC Lounge. The waitresses didn't inform anyone beforehand.

Was it the job of the waitresses to tell everyone that drinks weren't paid for, and/or was it tacky for the family to have and invite everyone to this "wake" of sorts and not pay for anything?

I would have assumed I was paying for my own drinks, unless they specifically stated that they were paying. However, if they worded it as 'join us to share a drink and stories' or 'we would like you to be our guest for a celebration of dad's life over drinks..' then it might sound like it was being paid for. If it was 'we've reserved a spot at ABC lounge for everyone to meet and talk' or 'we're going to go and have a drink and talk, we invite you to go along if you'd like' then that would definitly sound as if it were pay your own way.

However I will go with tacky on this one because they either should have had at least one member of the family show up, or if they wanted to go home, they should have invited people there. Telling people to go somewhere to 'celebrate' the persons life and then no show is just rude.

 

[mtemm]

I would have assumed I was paying for my own drinks.

I have to add I am so happy I don't live in an area where it is expected that I host restaurant/bar meal/drinks after I bury my beloved family member. funerals are traumatic enough, not to mention expensive, and to be expected to play hostess would not work for me. don't get me wrong, we've had people back to the house after, but it was for coffee/drinks/deli platter kind of stuff, not a huge expense, and to be honest so many people sent food that was mostly what was put out.

 

[tvguy]

Post funeral gatherings are common here. Usually the food is provided, and maybe soft drinks. Once in a while alcoholic beverages are included, but most commonly those wishing to consume alcohol pay for their own drinks.

 

[traviesojmt]

In my neck of the woods, if a meal is provided, it is done so by the church or friends and usually only family attend. To be honest, we have no idea how the situation came about. A friend of the deceased could have said, "hey, a bunch of us are going to celebrate "JOE" at the lounge. Would you mind letting everyone know that we will be there if they would like to attend?" The son might have just been passing on info.

Sometimes it is hard to think straight when you are going through a difficult situation. It would have never occurred to me that I would not have paid for my own drinks if I had decided to go. I agree that it much be a regional thing. I have also never been to a funeral where alcohol was served after.

 

[dislaney]

Post funeral gatherings are common here too. Usually everything is provided but sometimes alcohol isn't. I think I would have asked.

I also give a lot of leeway when it comes to funeral etiquette. People have so much on their minds that little details sometimes do get overlooked!

 

[kdfogliano]

In our area there is usually a funeral "breakfast" following the actual church funeral. It is usually at a restaurant, hosted and paid for by the deceased family.

Here too, usually a lunch or something... always at the cost of the family of the deceased, so in your case I would have expected the drinks to be covered, but I would have expected someone from the family to be there too.