Is This Tacky? Funeral...

[AKL_Megs]

This recently happened to someone I know... I found it odd and thought it would make for a good "Dis Discussion"...

Someone attended a funeral for a 40-something who passed away. At the end of the funeral, one of the children got on the microphone and invited everyone to "ABC Lounge" for drinks and to tell stories of "deceased".

Many people make the trip to ABC Lounge, sit in the designated area and order drinks from the waitresses working the event.

After the funeral, the wife is obviously distraught, and so the wife and children don't make it to ABC Lounge.

Everyone is enjoying drinks and stories, and then someone orders a second drink. The waitress says, "I need you to pay for your first drink first.".

Apparently, the family hadn't paid for any refreshments, they had only reserved a spot at AVC Lounge. The waitresses didn't inform anyone beforehand.

Was it the job of the waitresses to tell everyone that drinks weren't paid for, and/or was it tacky for the family to have and invite everyone to this "wake" of sorts and not pay for anything?

 

[kimblebee]

Personally, I would have asked the waitress before ordering if the drinks were covered or not. I don't like to assume things.

 

[jrmasm]

I would have assumed I was paying for my drinks.

 

[Christine]

I would have never assumed that the drinks were paid for. Traditionally, family members of deceased people don't host shindigs for funeral attendees. Generally, the family will have a get together at a house afterward and funeral attendees often contribute to food (such as a potluck) for the deceased's family.

I would have immediately assumed that this was just an informal get together to hang out and swap stories. Nothing more. Now had it been a wedding rehearsal, I would have felt differently.

 

[Jennasis]

Not tacky at all and I can't imagine anyone assuming it was an open bar.

 

[MELSMICE]

I think somehow when the announcement was made about people going to ABC lounge they should have mentioned that it would be a cash bar.

Something to the affect of: "Thank you all for coming to honor the deceased. Our time here has ended, but if you would like to share stories about our beloved some guests are continuing this celebration of his life at ABC lounge. As this is a difficult time for us, we will be returning home to comfort each other in our own way."

I think this may have gotten the message across that the family wasn't going to pay for everything. I don't think I would have expected the family to pay for the drinks, but I think it would have depended on how the announcement about the gathering at ABC lounge would have been worded.

 

[MELSMICE]

I would have never assumed that the drinks were paid for. Traditionally, family members of deceased people don't host shindigs for funeral attendees. Generally, the family will have a get together at a house afterward and funeral attendees often contribute to food (such as a potluck) for the deceased's family.

I would have immediately assumed that this was just an informal get together to hang out and swap stories. Nothing more. Now had it been a wedding rehearsal, I would have felt differently.

In our area there is usually a funeral "breakfast" following the actual church funeral. It is usually at a restaurant, hosted and paid for by the deceased family.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I would have assumed I was paying for my drinks.

Exactly. It isn't the family's job to host a wake.

 

[Micca]

The lounge being a public place I would not assume the drinks were paid for. The only way I'd expect an open bar would be if the gathering was in a private area.

 

[Christine]

In our area there is usually a funeral "breakfast" following the actual church funeral. It is usually at a restaurant, hosted and paid for by the deceased family.

Yes, I'm sure there are regional differences so, I guess, depending where this occurred maybe it is usual for the deceased's family to host some event, thereby causing the confusion.

 

[Octoberbride03]

Well, I can tell you if i had been too distraught over a loved one's death to go to a bar for a gathering I wouldn't make the announcement to begin with. With my family it's common to have a gathering afterward at a restaurant which usually includes food, not just drinks.

And if i were the waitress how am I supposed to know if drinks have been paid for if my manager hasn't told me upfront. So the waitress did her job, she'll be on the hook for the drinks if she doesn't.

A little odd but i understand how it can happen. I'm thinking the family member who made the announcement got overruled by the rest of the family about going. In my family though it is NOT a blanket invite to everybody in the church, those who are invited get the invite even before the service starts so there are no misunderstandings. Basically when and where to be after the service. That's how we work it. That's just us though. Some of my relatives were dang popular in life. I had an uncle who died, his service rated a police escort, and officially stopping traffic in the 3 towns between the church and grave site, the procession was ages long, and I think there over 500 hundred people at the church. And he wasn't even a cop, just friends with a few and a benefactor to the charites. He ran a small oil company.

 

[bgirldeb]

I would not expect the deceased's family to pay for it.

 

[NMAmy]

I cut people a lot of slack when it comes to funerals. I figure the family of the deceased has enough to cope with without worrying about being tacky.

 

[lovesmurfs]

This recently happened to someone I know... I found it odd and thought it would make for a good "Dis Discussion"...

Someone attended a funeral for a 40-something who passed away. At the end of the funeral, one of the children got on the microphone and invited everyone to "ABC Lounge" for drinks and to tell stories of "deceased".

Many people make the trip to ABC Lounge, sit in the designated area and order drinks from the waitresses working the event.

After the funeral, the wife is obviously distraught, and so the wife and children don't make it to ABC Lounge.

Everyone is enjoying drinks and stories, and then someone orders a second drink. The waitress says, "I need you to pay for your first drink first.".

Apparently, the family hadn't paid for any refreshments, they had only reserved a spot at AVC Lounge. The waitresses didn't inform anyone beforehand.

Was it the job of the waitresses to tell everyone that drinks weren't paid for, and/or was it tacky for the family to have and invite everyone to this "wake" of sorts and not pay for anything?

I would have expected to pay. But I would also have expected the members of the family to have gone as well, at least one of the children.

I do cut slack in terms of funeral "etiquette" but for an announcement like that to have been made to the attendees and no members of the family to be there seems a little off.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would have never assumed that the drinks were paid for. Traditionally, family members of deceased people don't host shindigs for funeral attendees. Generally, the family will have a get together at a house afterward and funeral attendees often contribute to food (such as a potluck) for the deceased's family.

I would have immediately assumed that this was just an informal get together to hang out and swap stories. Nothing more. Now had it been a wedding rehearsal, I would have felt differently.

It's regional. We always have a full meal/open bar after funerals here. However, after wakes, if there is out-of-town family in, people will just plan to meet up at a bar, and buy their own drinks. I can see how the announcement could be confusing.

ETA, since this was after the funeral, I would've assumed the drinks were paid for - we've never not had open bar after a funeral in our family.

 

[mousey]

In our area, the family usually has a late breakfast or lunch for the people attending the funeral. They usually announce it at the funeral service either at the funeral home or church. If the family invited you to "anyplace" I would think they would have made arrangements and I would of thought paid for the drinks. Would this group of people have known to go to that particular place to share stories and drinks had the son not announced it?? Its the families way of thanking everyone for helping them through a difficult time.

 

[Freyja]

When my mom died, over 700 people came to her funeral. We had rented a big reception hall at the biggest hotel in town and invited everyone to come and enjoy some food and beverages after church. We paid for everything, which is just the way things are done around here.

 

[focusondisney]

In our area, the family usually has a late breakfast or lunch for the people attending the funeral. They usually announce it at the funeral service either at the funeral home or church. If the family invited you to "anyplace" I would think they would have made arrangements and I would of thought paid for the drinks. Would this group of people have known to go to that particular place to share stories and drinks had the son not announced it?? Its the families way of thanking everyone for helping them through a difficult time.

Agree with you. This is how it is done around here, too. If you are "invited", you are a guest. And the family is the "host". Arrangements are made & paid for by the host around here.

Although, I have never been to a bar after a funeral. I have heard of friends/ relatives going out together while in town for a funeral. But that is just groups making arrangements to meet up. Not the family "inviting" mourners to a gathering.

 

[okeydokey]

I would never had thought the drinks were paid for. Sounds like just a chance for those that were there to get together afterward.

 

[Scurvy]

I think the announcement was handled badly. I agree with focusondisney that if you issue an invitation then you are hosting and should expect to pay. I think it would have been better for someone else (who was actually going to the bar) to let others know that some people were going to go there afterward and anyone who wanted to should come, but I don't think the family should have issued an invitation. That said, it was a funeral and I'm sure the family was grieving and not thinking clearly, so I hope everyone kept that in mind and was understanding about the confusion.