Is this a normal thing?

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I just had an issue with my son that reinded me to post this question.

My son wil be 3 in March.

He has been a Holy TERROR lately. Nothing works to discipline him except when my husband is home and I do the SAME things. I know a lot of moms have that problem, so that's not really the issue here.

My problem is this....

When I put him in time-out he's been throwing MAJOR fits and I've never seen him have such a temper before. When he goes to time-out he sits in the corner for 3 minutes(since he's almost 3). I give him 3 chances to sit like he's supposed to. On the third try his time starts over so he usually ens up being there for about 5 or 6 minutes. Lately though, he has ben getting so angry that he growls and screams and hit things. Sometimes me(but usually I go around the corner so he can't see me) but mostly the wall. He slapped the wall today and I knew it hurt him, but I didn't know what to do. Part of me wants to say, "Well that's what you get." But of course the other part wants to cuddle him.

Neither I, nor my husband have hot tempers so I don't know where he learned it from. Is this just normal behavior for an almost 3 year old?

 

[Acklander]

He's in time out, he's unhappy, it's his way of showing he's unhappy. When you're mad you have to have an outlet for it, so try to find a healthy outlet.
Maybe get him one of those punching bag type things?
That way you can explain to him that when he's angry he's allowed to punch the bag, but nothing else. Once he's better at verbalizing his anger it should help.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

3 is rough. Everyone warns you about 2 but IME, 2 is nothing compared to 3!

 

[clh2]

What fun years...

My DD is now 15, so it has been years since I've dealh with this type of drama.

The hard part - it is often really difficult to "really assess" what is cuasing the meltdown.

At that age -IIRC - it seems like a lot of frustration comes from communication issues (their mind is sometimes far bigger than their speech ability.) I also realize from your signature that you possibly have twins. Are there any issues going on with the other sibling?

After the time out, I would not let him get back into the same activity. Let him know that since the "truck" is making him not very happy - the truck needs to be put away until tomorrow etc. Eventually - maybe he'll realize that it isn't worth the effort.

Every once in a while, our DD would have a major temper tantrum. As tough as it was...we ignored them. Left the room etc. Once they realize there is no reaction (good or bad) they will move on. (Of course, sometimes it is really hard to not let them see you laughing hard.)

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

What fun years...

My DD is now 15, so it has been years since I've dealh with this type of drama.

The hard part - it is often really difficult to "really assess" what is cuasing the meltdown.

At that age -IIRC - it seems like a lot of frustration comes from communication issues (their mind is sometimes far bigger than their speech ability.) I also realize from your signature that you possibly have twins. Are there any issues going on with the other sibling?

After the time out, I would not let him get back into the same activity. Let him know that since the "truck" is making him not very happy - the truck needs to be put away until tomorrow etc. Eventually - maybe he'll realize that it isn't worth the effort.

Every once in a while, our DD would have a major temper tantrum. As tough as it was...we ignored them. Left the room etc. Once they realize there is no reaction (good or bad) they will move on. (Of course, sometimes it is really hard to not let them see you laughing hard.)

Very rarely does my DD have any issues. I hae to say it but she is kind of like the "good kid" but I make a VERY conscious effort not to compare the two.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Meltdowns = manipulation. Ignore them. They are not happening. Put him in a time out and leave the room.

 

[laurafergie]

Mom of 5 here, 23 yrs to 6yrs.

As previously suggested, your DS is showing his anger and frustration in the only way he can now.

IMO - The most important thing for kids in discipline is CONSISTENCY. Decide the consequences to improper behavior and stick to your guns no matter what. Your DH has to be on board with this.

At 2-3, kids don't have the long term in their thinking. They completely live in the here and now. If DS and DD are playing trucks, and DS wants DD's truck and freaks out because he can't have it - then you swoop in, and immediately put him into timeout for at least 3-5 minutes saying something like; "We have to share and have good manners. You have to sit in timeout until the good manners are here again."

If DS still is freaking out - the timeout is extended until he regains control of himself. Ignore him in timeout. Do not discuss it beyond stating his behavior or manners need to improve before he can have fun again.

Concentrate on his behavior, and not if he is being a "good boy" or not.

I would cease the "3 chances". The rules are the rules. The end.

 

[5lilfish]

3 is rough. Everyone warns you about 2 but IME, 2 is nothing compared to 3!

I agree. I have always found 3 to be very hard. I've done it with 3 kids and now I'm about to go through it with twins. Yikes!!

The good news is that it magically gets better when the child turns 4. For my kids, it was like a light switch. The child turned 4 and suddenly snapped out of it.

Good luck...
Jess

 

[luvmy3]

3 is rough. Everyone warns you about 2 but IME, 2 is nothing compared to 3!

I always said we never went through the terrible 2s it was the terrible 3s.

My kids went through a stage like that at that age as well. They were doing it in part because of their own anger, but also to get my attention. The best advice I got was from our pediatrican and she said just ignore them. As hard as that was, I did. I can't tell you it completely stopped them from happening but it did eventually lessen the progression and the severity of the fits.

 

[Robinrs]

Remember, he's testing you. Children that age are VERY smart and are testing to see how much they can get away with. They know your breaking point and you have to establish it EARLY, by 3 they already know how to push your buttons and get what they want.

I use my Mommy look, which my son has known since birth. It works across the room on children that aren't even MINE!! Children learn early that if they will NOT get what they want with a behavior, the behavior is a waste of energy.

 

[minkydog]

He's in time out, he's unhappy, it's his way of showing he's unhappy. When you're mad you have to have an outlet for it, so try to find a healthy outlet.
Maybe get him one of those punching bag type things?
That way you can explain to him that when he's angry he's allowed to punch the bag, but nothing else. Once he's better at verbalizing his anger it should help.

This worked for my kids, particularly for DS23. He didn't have the vocabulary to really express the length and depth of his anger so he threw himself around. I just ignored it. Sometimes he would follow me to another room just so he could throw himself down where I could see it. I'll admit that it's hard to stand by and watch when they act this way. You want to pick them up and love on them, but you really have to let them endure the consequences of their actions. "Oh, you're stomach hurts? I guess you better not throw yourself down on the tile floor. Try the carpet."

3 is rough. Everyone warns you about 2 but IME, 2 is nothing compared to 3!

OMG, you are so right! All of my kids skipped right through the 2s like it was a fairy tale and slammed their heads right up against age 3.

At 2-3, kids don't have the long term in their thinking. They completely live in the here and now. If DS and DD are playing trucks, and DS wants DD's truck and freaks out because he can't have it - then you swoop in, and immediately put him into timeout for at least 3-5 minutes saying something like; "We have to share and have good manners. You have to sit in timeout until the good manners are here again."

If DS still is freaking out - the timeout is extended until he regains control of himself. Ignore him in timeout. Do not discuss it beyond stating his behavior or manners need to improve before he can have fun again.
Concentrate on his behavior, and not if he is being a "good boy" or not.

I would cease the "3 chances". The rules are the rules. The end.

You and I are on the same wavelength. I usually give them a warning and they get the opportunity to "do-over" their behavior or words, but if it continues I do not negotiate.

I recently had to employ this with some children that I babysit for. My three kids are older(14-23) so I've seen it all before. Their little 4yo decided to be particularly naughty, laying all over his baby sister, throwing things,etc. I put him in the naughty chair and he wouldn't stay, continued to be disruptive. So I finally picked him up and said Time to get ready for bed. Oh, he wailed! NONONONONONO...too bad, so sad. Bath, dress, read book, lights out. He was compliant with it all and went straight to sleep. I told his parents about it when they got home. The next day the little boy told his mother that I was "the best babysitter" because I read him stories.

 

[padams]

Timeouts never worked well for my oldest DS. He didn't seem to get that the timeout was suppose to change his behavior. I used "consequences" instead. Misbehave, don't get to watch a video (or do some other desired activity). Misbehave late in the day, go to bed early. Throw toy at brother, lose toy. The "consequences" were much more effective with him so it's what I used for his younger brother as well.

As for your 3 chances to sit in time out, my SIL uses a 3 strikes method of punishment with her 3 young sons (all 6 and under). They have 3 chances to misbehave and then they are in trouble. My DSs, who are now 12 and 14, laugh at Auntie's parenting. They say that if given 3 chances to do something, of course their cousins are going to take advantage of the first 2 opportunities because they know their mom won't do anything other than give them a strike. In other words, if one boy hits his brother, my SIL says "that's your first strike for today." DSs' point is that cousin gets another free hit that day so why not go ahead and hit brother again.

My point for you is to suggest that you try telling your DS that he sits in his timeout chair for 1 minute and he does not get up. If he gets up, he starts over. By letting him get up the first and second time, he probably knows he can get away with it.

Good luck! Now that I have 2 boys with raging hormones, I'd love to have them be 3 years old again. Hang in there.

 

[tazdev3225]

I went through this with my kids and am reliving it with my grandkids. As others have said be consistent and ignore the tantrums. My DGS is 3 and has a hearing loss. He communicates on the level of about a 2 y/o. He knows my look. He also knows that a tantrum does not work with me. I never go more than 5 minutes on a time out because I have learned that you are no longer punishing the original offense. I release him from time-out and the second he reoffends he is back in it.
Children this age are very smart, know what buttons to push and will test their limits every chance they get. I have very little trouble with my grandkids their parents on the other hand... When my DGD said she hated her mother I told my DD say Thank you. It means you are doing something right and it will stop her dead in her tracks.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

As for your 3 chances to sit in time out, my SIL uses a 3 strikes method of punishment with her 3 young sons (all 6 and under). They have 3 chances to misbehave and then they are in trouble. My DSs, who are now 12 and 14, laugh at Auntie's parenting. They say that if given 3 chances to do something, of course their cousins are going to take advantage of the first 2 opportunities because they know their mom won't do anything other than give them a strike. In other words, if one boy hits his brother, my SIL says "that's your first strike for today." DSs' point is that cousin gets another free hit that day so why not go ahead and hit brother again.


QUOTE]

No he doesn't have 3 chances to get in trouble...he has 3 warnings when he gets up from time out...I don't know how to keep him there...ugh...i DO NOT want to have to swat him...any idea for keeing in time-out? Bed is a no-go because it's a toddler bed and he'll climb right out

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Meltdowns = manipulation. Ignore them. They are not happening. Put him in a time out and leave the room.

I DO NOT take advice from anyone with "ROLL TIDE" in their siggy

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I DO NOT take advice from anyone with "ROLL TIDE" in their siggy

We may meet again in the BCSCG. Both programs are well stocked with talent, and have great coaches...

 

[padams]

No, no, I understood that he doesn't have 3 chances to get in trouble. I was trying to make an analogy about the 3 chances to get out of the timeout chair. I know you can parent better than my SIL, even my 12 and 14 year old boys apparently can. I was thinking that if your son had a shorter timeout with no chance to get up, then perhaps his temper wouldn't escalate so much and he would know mom means it when she says sit in the chair.

Unless you are seeing anger issues when he is not in timeout (like when he is playing with his sibling or friends), then I think you have a very normal 3 year old.

 

[puffkin]

My son does the same thing with timeouts. We both work FT and have lots to do at night, so we don't always have the time (or energy) to do the super nanny approach where you just keep putting them back in timeout. I have done it though on a weekend and it took about 45 minutes until he realized he needed to accept his punishment and then it would be done. So that approach does work if you have the time (it is exhausting though).

What we usually do is take him up to his room and close the door. He can't get out then. There are no toys in there, just a few books. He knows we mean business then. He gets usually a 5 minute punishment at this age. The nice thing about putting him in his room is that he is much easier to ignore then. A lot of the tantrums are for attention and sometimes it is hard to ignore it. Sometimes he is acting up simply by being tired. Several times he has fallen asleep while being punished and woken up a new child.

Finally, kids have no concept of time. So setting timers or adding time to their punishment really doesn't mean anything to them until they are a bit older.