Is there something I can do with my spoiled children?!?!?!?!

raysnkaysmom

<font color=coral>I don't think I'd mention I was
Joined
Aug 15, 2004
Yanno....sometimes I just don't get it. My oldest DD9 is in her bed, SCREAMING crying (welll, more screaming now that she got popped on the leg) Alllll because I won't let her wear her grey skirt tomorrow. Ok...this is a little thin, short spring skirt...it's 30some degrees in the mornings...50's in the day.. I said FINE at first...with your grey tights and this LONG sleeve shirt...she wanted the summer shirt...so I said nevermind...wear the jean skirt... well..you'd think it was the end of the world. I guess it just bothers me soo much because I think about how much my kids have. I had just got done telling her at dinner about 2 families my work 'adopted' at a domestic violence shelter who have no home, no clothes and nothing to look for at Christmas..and 1 mom has 2 kids my girls age... doesn't phase my daughter.
I remember when we got our car a couple months ago, the dealer was telling us about him growing up in Africa..how they had to walk miles for drinking water etc...then he mentioned a ship and all my daughter blurts out is "mom, are we still going on the Disney cruise??"
I know I've spoiled them, but ok...I've admitted it..how can I reverse it?? I wish they (mainly my oldest) were more appreciative, and didn't have FITS over such little things!!
Now what???
 
I guess I probably would have let her wear the outfit, freeze her butt off, and learn the hard way.
 
Geez...kids. You know, all you've done is try to be a good parent. You're blessed to be able to give your kids many things, and it's nice that you can do that for them.

My suggestion would be to take the kids (especially DD) and go DO something that will benefit others. At this time of year, there should be lots of opportunities. For example, last Spring I took my kiddos and we went to the Ronald McDonald house to bake cookies for the families staying there. It was a nice way to help others and introduce the kids to philanthropy.

Maybe you could take DD to work in a soup kitchen for a couple of hours. Or perhaps some holiday caroling at a nursing home or shelter?

Or - Does your church have a program where you can choose the name of an underpriveledged (did I spell that wrong?) child and buy a Christmas gift for them? If so - have DD choose a name and pick out the gift - maybe even use her own funds to buy it.

Good luck! And you're not alone! Recognizing the issue and then deciding to do something to increase DD's appreciation of her blessings proves that you're a caring parent, IMO.
 
But...I've given in to her so many times when she whines..that I think that's part of the problem!! They know if they whine enough...I let them have it... I've heard pick your battles...but this is ridiculous!!
I'm thinking about taking her to the Dometic Violence shelter when I deliver the gifts...maybe seeing how others do without instead of me telling them?? I guess I grew up without alot, so I appreciate it more... or maybe it's just the fact she's a kid, and since it isn't somethign she deals with personally...it doesn't hit home for her?
It's just soo many little things that aggrivate me, how we are the meanest parents when "so and so's" mom lets them..or she has that...blah blah.
Guess that's the joy of parenting...just hope I start teaching my kids more about appreciation than getting 'their way'!
 


I think taking her to the domestic violence center is a great start. Maybe you could just start making it a point to have her do different philanthropic activities every month. She may resent the idea at first - but my guess is she would come to appreciate these activities once she sees how much fun giving can be. :)

Also - I just wanted to add that there's nothing wrong with giving your kids nice things. You just want/need her to appreciate what she has. I think serving the less forunate would be a great way for her to see how lucky she is.
 
My oldest DD can get the same attitude that yours does sometimes. It's a hard thing to change. Maybe it has to do with being the oldest, I don't know.

As far as the skirt thing - I think that's a "pick your battle" thing. My DD's have gone out in weather that I would be bundled up in wearing only a hoodie. I used to nag & nag about it, but I figure if they want to freeze their butts off (like someone else said :D ) then let them - they know what the temperature is outside.

The situation with not realizing how good they have it as compared is a harder thing to deal with. Every time my DD's - mainly my oldest - starts with her "holier than thou" attitude I firmly remind her that she is blessed to have what she does & that there are people living in the streets with nothing.

Believe me, I feel your pain. Deep down, I'm sure she's a good kid (both yours & mine :D ) I think it's the attitude about things that get to me the most. Hang in there. :hug:
 
Jenn Lynn said:
I guess I probably would have let her wear the outfit, freeze her butt off, and learn the hard way.

That what I did. :blush: DD10 and I were going shopping and she came downstairs in sandals-- it was in the 40's outside. I told her to go put on some 'real' shoes because it was chilly outside. She came back with flip flops. I thought 'OK lets see how this goes'. We left with her wearing the flip flops. We start to walk into the mall and shes cold :rolleyes: then proceeds to tell me that I shouldn't have let her leave the house with those flip flops on. That when I very calmly tell her that she was informed that it was cold outside and there comes a point in a childs life when they have to grow up and take responsibility for their actions.
 


I think we all have the same problem at some point. My kids know this year that we adopted a family who's father is on the list for an organ transplant , the family is having real trouble financially and unable to buy christmas presents this year due to the wife having to quit her job to take care of the husband and all the astronomical medical bills. They soon realized how lucky they are , and they were the ones at one point giving things up to help those kids for Christmas.
I also let them watch all those news with abusing parents , they realize then how good they have it.
Usually they don't give me a hard time though, once I say no to something , they know I will not back down.
 
I agree with those that have said to pick your battles. However, once you take a stand and she starts whining/throwing a fit (trust me, with four year old twins i am totally there), you can't back down. In this instance, I would have taken the skirt away and donated it to charity and told my DD that it would happen again if she ever behaved that way in the future. Right now our battles are more over toys than clothes, but I've done this with Dd &Ds's toys (they refuse to pick them up, I give them warnings, then I pick one toy at a time to give away/throw out until they start scrambling to pick up).It's very easy to give in to our kids too much. I don't even realize I'm doing it until the gimmee monster starts to rear it's ugly head.
 
Besides your parenting skills, I have read several articles/studies recently about how the media has affected our kids' generation (mine are 9 and 13). The constant barrage of materialistic advertising, the VH-1 "lifestyle" shows, and just all the stuff they do get especially if the parents do well just turns them into monsters. There is a book out on this that is supposed to be very good but for the life of me I cannot remember the title. But it said something to the effect that most kids in the 10-13 year old range only aspire to "grow up and be rich." I know my DD says that ALL the time. She wants all the "bling" she sees Jessica Simpson getting, she wants a new outfit for each outing, and a vacation isn't good enough unless it's BIG.

So, while you seem like you're beating yourself up, it's not 100% your fault. Well, I guess it is if you let them watch TV. Apparently, that's the bigger culprit for these types of issues.
 
I had a similiar problem with my 13 DD. She insists on taking Fashion/Interior decorating as a class next year in the 9th grade. It's not a very easy course and her study habits aren't good now. But she insists she wants to be "challeged" next year. I say she should tale keyboarding(typing). It's a easy course and with the high school adjustment , I thought at least she doesn't have to worry about another class. Nevermind the fact that the class will benefit her in the future. At 13 she doesn't listen to reason. what we finally decide was that she can pick her classes, but bythe end of 8th grade if her grades aren't good. I calling and switching them.

I don't fight battles with her or my 10 DD when it comes to clothes and being warm. They are old enough to know what to wear according to the weather.
They'll learn if they go out freezing one day.
 
A couple of thoughts...I have 3 dd's and I find 9-11 to be "all about me" years. Nine is also when they really start caring about how they look and how others perceive them. My oldest is 12 and is (crossing fingers) going through such a nice phase.

As for picking your battles this is so true. However, try to stop and think before you say no, so you're not "giving in". Not to say I do this all the time myself, but I'm trying too.
 
a couple of more thoughts.
yes pick your battles, but once you have picked them, you have to win them. I'm not sure the significance of the grey skirt. But you told her that she had to wear the winter top with it -- end of story. Rule in our house, tested often, is screaming gives Mommy bad headaches. Mommy doesn't like headaches. If you scream, the cause of the screaming will be eliminated. Scream over a grey skirt, the grey skirt will be taken from your closet. Then do it and walk away. There are much better shows to watch than a 9yo drama.

I'm thinking about taking her to the Dometic Violence shelter when I deliver the gifts...maybe seeing how others do without instead of me telling them??

Well not my first choice, and if you do it please proceed cautiously. First, all of the shelters I've been acquainted with are very careful about public contact. I'm curious that there would be anything to "see." Generally, donations are just accepted at the front desk by a receptionist or clerk. Often, clients of the service aren't even housed in the same building as the administrative offices. That location is usually much more discreet.

Second is one thing we ALWAYS warn parents and our Youth groups about when we go to work at various shelters and agencies. The clients in these buildings are often people that are at a very tough and difficult point in their lives. They are not sociology/moral studies lessons to be paraded in front of children as examples "see - look what you COULD be. Now be happy and behave!" In short, they feel bad enough at the moment without others helping them along.

good luck. Children can be challenging, that is for sure.
 
Have your daughter volunteer, whether it is brining her with you to deliver the gifts or something else.

My DD's are 8 & 11 and EVERY year I do the Nat'l Volunteer Day which is usually the 3rd Saturday in October. We've gone to the Ronald McDonald house, served in a soup kitchen, went to the intensive care portion for children in the hospital, you name it. It gives them a wake up!!!

This year I've given both my girls $50.00 each and they are spending it on a child less fortunate. The LOVE doing this, shopping for someone else.

They always say on Christmas morning "I wonder if my child likes what I got them"

It's never too late to start volunteering!!
 
You know, sometimes they need to make their own choices and learn from them. Let her wear the skirt and she'll realize why you told her not to. My oldest DD (7) has learned these lessons the hard way as well. Now she actually listens to my advice when I give it!

Good luck!
 
Have to agree with many of the statements above. There is nothing wrong with giving your child nice things. You do have to choose your battles. And, at 9, the world revolves around her in her mind.
If one of my kids is having a fit over clothes or a toy, I let him get it out of his system but my answer doesn't change. "Go to your room until you can be civil."
I am not in favor of exposing a 9-year old to domestic violence and it's aftermath. Too much - too soon. How about using some of her own money to buy a donation to toys for tots or for a local food pantry. That has a big impact on my kids.
 
Thanks for all the advice! As far as the shelter, I was just going to have her deliver the gifts with me...as someone said, not really anything to see, just hoped she'd feel the joy in giving. Maybe I will look into something similar tho....
As far as choosing battles, I realize this...but I don't want to give in to everything after I've said no because I feel it isn't worth it.... If I've said no...it needs to stick!
We've had a much better past few days... I think after Christmas this year, and all the things she's getting, we'll donate alot to the Goodwill.
Thanks again!
 
Call Nanny 911. Seriously, I've watched a couple of episodes & it is amazing what boundries & rules with consequences can do to turn kids around.
That said, my kids could definitely use more consequences.
 
raysnkaysmom said:
Yanno....sometimes I just don't get it. My oldest DD9 is in her bed, SCREAMING crying (welll, more screaming now that she got popped on the leg) Alllll because I won't let her wear her grey skirt tomorrow. Ok...this is a little thin, short spring skirt...it's 30some degrees in the mornings...50's in the day.. I said FINE at first...with your grey tights and this LONG sleeve shirt...she wanted the summer shirt...so I said nevermind...wear the jean skirt... well..you'd think it was the end of the world. I guess it just bothers me soo much because I think about how much my kids have. I had just got done telling her at dinner about 2 families my work 'adopted' at a domestic violence shelter who have no home, no clothes and nothing to look for at Christmas..and 1 mom has 2 kids my girls age... doesn't phase my daughter.
I remember when we got our car a couple months ago, the dealer was telling us about him growing up in Africa..how they had to walk miles for drinking water etc...then he mentioned a ship and all my daughter blurts out is "mom, are we still going on the Disney cruise??"
I know I've spoiled them, but ok...I've admitted it..how can I reverse it?? I wish they (mainly my oldest) were more appreciative, and didn't have FITS over such little things!!
Now what???

Well, my kids are only 4--but if they scream over something, I remove the choice. Eventually, when you keep removing the options--they will eventually appreciate what they do get. If she "screams" again over poor clothing choices when it is winter--then I would remove the choices from her closet and she can have them again when the weather reaches a minimum temperature for which these options would be suitable choices.

For the Disney Cruise--have her earn her spending money. Sure, mom and dad can pay for the cruise. Give her the choice to earn spending money or have no money.

Christmas lists--start limiting her choices--lists can only have 5 choices on it for example. Friends of mine did this with there children. I assume they make enough money to buy more than they want to for the kids at Christmas as they had several indulgent Christmasses in the past--so to nip down the greed bug, they limited the choices for the kids by only allowing them to ask for so many things. It makes the kids really really think about what to put on the list. Also--another added feature that you could do is require your kids to use their money to buy a gift for someone less fortunate.

She asks for something any time of year--say a new bike, concert tickets..whatever--practice some tough love...earn the money and/or community service hours. In other words--to get her to appreciate, require her to do service hours. It is required of a lot of high school students, so getting her into it now will just provide a solid baseline for high school and it will get her exposed to those who aren't as blessed as she is!

Sorry if I have duplicate responses, I haven't read the thread, yet.
 
First of all, you've got to mean what you say. And I agree. Take every summer thing out of her closet. If it's not there, she can't put it on. Next time she has a fit, let her. Walk away and go do something else. Wear earplugs if you have too. Her fit is her problem. It becomes your problem when she sees it rattles you. Ignore it. If she starts tearing things up, empty her room so she doesn't have that problem anymore.

She sounds like she's at the stage where pushing mom's buttons is fun and it gets her what she wants. It's always succeeded in the past, you have to show her it's not working anymore. Have a talk with her, tell her you've made some mistakes and it's making you both miserable. Tell her it stops now.

It'll be ok. We learn as we go. So do they. You've taught her how she can get what she wants, you've got to change the game to your new rules. Not hers.
Btw, it's easier said than done. It will be rough as she figures out it doesn't work anymore, you just have to be strong and make sure you follow your new rules too. And buy earplugs. :hug:
 

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