Is Love Enough??

[LaceyLace]

To clarify, he doesn't do drugs, never has - but his family members have... his sons smoke marijuana. He doesn't even drink - I'll have a glass of wine with dinner and he'll have a coke.

As for the open marriage, we discussed this early on that that would never be acceptable to me. I tell him I'm worried he'll get bored with me at some point, but he claims all he ever wants is me.

I think I made him out to be a horrible person, but he's never treated me with disrespect or dishonesty. It's our upbringings that is making this very difficult and is why I ended it a few days ago, but I'm miserable. I didn't think I'd be in this much pain.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

The bottom lines for me would be, "Is this person someone I would normally include in my circle of friends? Do we have similar outlooks on life? Do we have the same goals for the future?" If the answer to all of those questions is no, then you know what you should do.

My husband and I had different upbringings in different ways. My dad was an engineer for the military and I had a comfortable childhood. My FIL variously owned his own business and worked for car dealers and my husband's family struggled to make ends meet. However, we were both raised conservatively, raised going to church regularly, two-parent households, and my husband had the determination to make his life better. He set out to work hard towards it, and has succeeded. We are friends AND spouses and share lots of good times together. When we have a common goal, we work towards it together.

If your man is content to live paycheck-to-paycheck, has no plan for the future (except maybe YOU are his plan for the future) and seems like an overgrown boy in a man's body, maybe you need to examine what exactly you have in common with him. Can you see yourself looking at him across the dinner table in 30 years?

 

[DisneyMomma81]

Is love enough? IMO NOPE - a couple must have similar interests, values, plans/goals for the future.

 

[LaceyLace]

I kind of think you are embarrassed by him. I can completely understand that. I feel that way about my husband all the time

OK, I didn't want to admit to that because it makes me sound like I'm a snob or pretentious, but yes, when I think of introducing him to family or friends, I get embarrassed.

I sure wish the search feature wasn't disabled.

And why is that? Do you think I'm making this up?

His biggest gripe with me is that he says it's not fair that I hold his past against him, but I believe that your past makes you who you are now. I do not like, however, the "looking at girls" aspect and teaching his sons to do the same. He claims he never saw it as "disrespectful" until I pointed it out to him and he doesn't do it anymore, but what if I weren't in the picture, would he go back to that? That's what concerns me because I need to know who the REAL "he" is. He's a different man with me than he was with his previous wife.

 

[LaceyLace]

And by the way, this is a pseudonym. There is no way I'd use my real screen name for a thread like this since I have lots of family members & real life friends that read this board.

I have no idea what my other posts consist of - they are all ones I'd rather not use my real name for, lol.

 

[Friendly Frog]

I recommend that you get some professional counseling...

Not just to help you sort out this decision, but to explore what you want in life and what did not work for you last time. At some point you might want to include him (later not now) in the counseling as well. IMO marriage counseling is even more valuable before a marriage then after.

No matter what has happened in the lives of Dis members, we are all different and you need someone to counsel you based on their getting to know you and your possible future husband.

If you can not afford it, discount counseling can be found at many places, women's groups, and colleges.

Good luck, and BTW, IMO, if you have any doubt, it is NOT time to get married, but that does not mean it is time to leave. Trust your inner voice.

 

[Doodlebug939]

I am no expert by any means and I am sorry that you find yourself in this difficult decision. Money issues can be handled by keeping things seperate if you marry and I would get a prenup. If you handle money differently then maybe this is the best option. Kind of a yours, mine and ours.

I have a wonderful husband who is my exact opposite. In the beginning I thought that would be the thing that would break us apart but now after 18 years of marriage I love that he is my opposite. He breaks me out of my ways. When there is a crisis he is the best person in the world for me. He makes me laugh when I want to cry. He has different friends and different interests but I appreciate them as he respects mine. The thing is that we have things together that trump all of the differences. Do you have these things?

I realize the he has a past as we all do. It is easy to judge him for his past or his family (which is none of his control). You have to trust yourself. If he is what you want then take steps in that direction. If you really feel that he is not what is best for you (it doesnt mean that he is a bad person) then let him go. Are you afraid of being alone? I wish you well on your soul searching!!!

 

[kimgg]

Why does she have to see herself sitting across the dinner table 30 years from now? How do any of us know any of us will be here that long?

In my mind, the things she's worried about are things that are important when you are planning a family and children together with someone. THey've both already done that. I doubt she's planning on more children. His sons smoke marijuana, but so do the sons of lots of "conservative" people.

If he makes you happy, that's what matters. Most of what is being said so far is very judgemental based on his past. I suspect they would not have been together for 3 years if he was still doing these things (threesomes, etc.).

I'm younger than this lady is, and if I found myself single again and found someone who loved me and I loved, and I didn't need someone to, "take care of," me, I would not be worried about the things she mentions so much. Would I move him in with me and keep him like a kept man? NO, but I would have no problem spending years going out to dinner with him and traveling with him and spending quality time together. None of his past should matter when it comes to that. To me he sounds like a person who is good at heart who was raised very differently. If he were unemployed, that would be one thing. You say he works and that shows he is not a "deadbeat" like it sounds like some are suspecting.

One thing not mentioned is church. Do you go? Does he go with you? That could be the missing puzzle piece to bring your worlds together, just maybe.

Wow I love this board but some people are SO cynical and suspicious of everyone!! People DO change! Including the OP who ended up with this person despite their differences. Why have they stayed together this long? Must have SOMETHING in common?

 

[LaceyLace]

I recommend that you get some professional counseling...

Not just to help you sort out this decision, but to explore what you want in life and what did not work for you last time. At some point you might want to include him (later not now) in the counseling as well. IMO marriage counseling is even more valuable before a marriage then after.

No matter what has happened in the lives of Dis members, we are all different and you need someone to counsel you based on their getting to know you and your possible future husband.

If you can not afford it, discount counseling can be found at many places, women's groups, and colleges.

Good luck, and BTW, IMO, if you have any doubt, it is NOT time to get married, but that does not mean it is time to leave. Trust your inner voice.

Thank you. I've been giving a lot of thought to seeking counsel because I have realized that I have a lot of insecurities and baggage - think some of my issues with him stems from my insecurity as a woman, and quite honestly, I'm not really sure who I am anymore and what I want in life.

I just always thought that I'd fall in love with a man who was a professional, was financially secure, and one that didn't have a lot of experience with women (?). I think I need a "squeaky clean" type of guy. Is there such a thing?

 

[ilovemk76]

OK, I didn't want to admit to that because it makes me sound like I'm a snob or pretentious, but yes, when I think of introducing him to family or friends, I get embarrassed.



And why is that? Do you think I'm making this up?

His biggest gripe with me is that he says it's not fair that I hold his past against him, but I believe that your past makes you who you are now. I do not like, however, the "looking at girls" aspect and teaching his sons to do the same. He claims he never saw it as "disrespectful" until I pointed it out to him and he doesn't do it anymore, but what if I weren't in the picture, would he go back to that? That's what concerns me because I need to know who the REAL "he" is. He's a different man with me than he was with his previous wife.

If you look down your nose at a person's upbringing and are embarrassed to be with him and your oh so wonderful family, then you need to let him go as you are not good enough for him.

I can't believe you can have been in a relationship with a man for 3 years and you have not introduced him to your family or friends.

A person's upbringing will shape who they come but that does not make them a lesser person. I am so thankful that my DH did not hold my upbringing and family against me. I have learned from my families shortcomings and became a better person because of it.

 

[ilovemk76]

Thank you. I've been giving a lot of thought to seeking counsel because I have realized that I have a lot of insecurities and baggage - think some of my issues with him stems from my insecurity as a woman, and quite honestly, I'm not really sure who I am anymore and what I want in life.

I just always thought that I'd fall in love with a man who was a professional, was financially secure, and one that didn't have a lot of experience with women (?). I think I need a "squeaky clean" type of guy. Is there such a thing?

Is this description that of your EX? If so, that did not work out all that great did it?

 

[bemily]

I think you should applaud the fact that he has been so open and honest about his past relationships, his upbringing, but base your decision on the time that you have known him..Also, while I understand your concerns about your circle of friends, family, etc..I think you should also take into consideration you are not dating/marrying the friends, but him, the person, on either end.

While you are clear that you do love the man, you do sound to be judging him on who his upbringing, etc, his family...

Good luck. If I had to give an opinion without knowing you, I would say that if you are questioning it this much, its time to let him go so he can move on as well.

Good luck!!

 

[SaraJayne]

OK, I didn't want to admit to that because it makes me sound like I'm a snob or pretentious, but yes, when I think of introducing him to family or friends, I get embarrassed.



And why is that? Do you think I'm making this up?

I think the fact it's been three years and he's never met your friends or family is all the answer you need.

As far as you making this up, I'm someone that has a healthy dose of skepticism.

 

[kimgg]

One thing that you should not base your decision on, is what others say they would not stand for. People putting in their two cents that they would never date this person are not helping you. YOU are the only person who can make a decision on what YOU should do. Advice is great, but it sounds like a lot of what worries you is what others think. You chose him somehow, for some reason. Don't let others opinions become more important than your own. If you can't be happy with him, than that's what should make you leave. Not because someone else can't be happy with him. That's living someone else's life, not your own.

Based on what you said, it does sound like counseling would be so very helpful to you. Someone who can help you sort out your own feelings.

If you decide he's what you want, I hope he's still around for you . . . if not you'll know better next time.

Good luck!

 

[riley2008]

IMHO - love is NEVER enough

I'm thinking you may be his sugar-momma.

 

[ceecee]

I would recommend counceling.
I also think that if you have dated someone for three yrs and still feel embarassed by him and can't say I love you to him (surprised he puts up with that) that he is not the right one. Walk away for his sake and yours.

 

[LaceyLace]

I appreciate everyone's opinion here. I knew I'd get both sides when I posted, but I'm at my wit's end here - I ended the relationship on Friday and it's been 3 days of no sleep and no appetite for food. I know all I need to do to end this heartache is pick up the phone and call him, but I can't do that if I'm not 100% ready to commit. And I'm not. So it's not fair to him. Despite his path, he is a good man and he deserves better.

Some of you are SPOT ON with your insight and observations! I'm floored that you can hit the crux of things with just the basics of my story.

One thing I am walking away with as a result of posting this is my need for counseling.

Perhaps he can be included at a later date if he's still available, but I don't think he will be for long. But at least I'll get the help that I need and hopefully just take each day at a time to get through this pain.

I almost wish he had ended the relationship himself, wish we had some blow up fight, wish he had cheated on me.... anything but me CHOOSING to end it because we're two different people. Just seems to make it hurt all the more.

Anyways, thank you all.

 

[LaceyLace]

I would recommend counceling.
I also think that if you have dated someone for three yrs and still feel embarassed by him and can't say I love you to him (surprised he puts up with that) that he is not the right one. Walk away for his sake and yours.

Yeah, I am surprised by that as well. Most guys wouldn't wait around for someone as uncommited as I am. But he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and will wait as long as he needs to.

 

[Sugar Jones]

Your embarassed by him?

I think you did HIM a favour by breaking it off. He deserves someone who loves him for who is his.

 

[Leshaface]

Whatever you do choose to decide, good luck