Is it wrong to spank your child?

[sunni]

BTW, I'm not trying to be argumentative and I don't have a problem with people choosing not to spank if that works for you (just don't tell me I'm abusive, ignorant, uneducated, etc. for choosing that option myself). I applaud any parent that takes the time to lovingly discipline their children and not let them run the household and be mini-tyrants... so far I'm seeing a lot of excellent parents here and great responses. I enjoy the debate and the ideas, though I don't expect anyone to change their opinion.


I put forth a thought provoking question that isn't a far-fetched hypothetical situation... it can most certainly happen.

ETA: if I have been out-of-line, would a moderator please PM me? I am stubborn and opinionated, but I don't want to cause a thread to be closed!

 

[froglady]

I would ask those of you who do spank to consider other methods consistently for a month and see if there are changes in your child(ren)'s behavior.

But most of us DO/DID use other methods consistantly for over a month! Spankings were rare; MAYBE once or twice a year, if that often, and only until (in my family) my children were pre-school age. (around 4 or 5)

I doubt that any of us have raised well behaved children (and adults) without using a wide variety of non-spanking options!

My children NEVER repeated the behavior that warrented their spankings; unlike some behaviors where I used time-outs. I was so happy when they were old enough to have privileges yanked, which has proven to be most effective. (Which includes witholding of college tuition in my daughter's case.)

 

[Goobergal99]

But most of us DO/DID use other methods consistantly for over a month! Spankings were rare; MAYBE once or twice a year, if that often, and only until (in my family) my children were pre-school age. (around 4 or 5)

I doubt that any of us have raised well behaved children (and adults) without using a wide variety of non-spanking options!

My children NEVER repeated the behavior that warrented their spankings; unlike some behaviors where I used time-outs. I was so happy when they were old enough to have privileges yanked, which has proven to be most effective. (Which includes witholding of college tuition in my daughter's case.)

Withholding your childs tuition seems a bit extreme, if she is already college aged and in college then I think you are just plain overbearing, she is in fact an adult after all, she could take out loans you know.

 

[THESCHULTZFIVE]

If the only way you can get a child to listen to you, understand your point, follw your rules, whatever you call want to call it is to use some type of physical force then that's pathetic.

 

[Goobergal99]

If the only way you can get a child to listen to you, understand your point, follw your rules, whatever you call want to call it is to use some type of physical force then that's pathetic.

I totally agree with you, and Kudos to you for saying it.

 

[Disney Doll]

I believe there are times when a swat on the butt gets a child's attention.

 

[shortbun]

But most of us DO/DID use other methods consistantly for over a month! Spankings were rare; MAYBE once or twice a year, if that often, and only until (in my family) my children were pre-school age. (around 4 or 5)

I doubt that any of us have raised well behaved children (and adults) without using a wide variety of non-spanking options!

My children NEVER repeated the behavior that warrented their spankings; unlike some behaviors where I used time-outs. I was so happy when they were old enough to have privileges yanked, which has proven to be most effective. (Which includes witholding of college tuition in my daughter's case.)

You withold tuition? Wow, that's a big punishment. How does the University feel about a student who's parent decides emotionally if tuition is to be paid? I reckon that student would not be enrolled for long. Interesting consequences and something I would never do unless I stopped paying once and forever for a huge infraction.

 

[katerkat]

My parents paid for college and one of the requirements was that I kept my grades up and didn't party so much that it interfered with my studies. Why should they pay for me to be drinking beer at the frat houses? Pretty much every one of my friends had the same requirements if their parents were paying.

As for other methods - again with the cat analogy - I tried other methods with my white cat. Methods that worked on my black cat. Methods that he had no regard for until I found something that shocked the heck out of him and convinced him that Mommy was boss. I only had to use the method twice and he hasn't scratched the couch since. (I know, it's a cat, but I've found that the cats are amazingly like toddlers. )

I don't plan on spanking Russ for leaving his toys out repeatedly after I've told him to put them away. That punishment doesn't fit that crime - taking away his toys does.

Spanking, to ME, is more: I've told him (as a toddler) time and time not to run into the street because it's dangerous and he'd hurt himself. He runs into the street anyway. I grab him and give him a short smack on his bum. He know associates running in the street=smack on his tush. And hopefully learns to never do it again. Explaining it obviously didn't work, so he needed something like a smack to make the lesson sink in.

I don't think it's tremendously effective outside of the toddler years, once you can really reason with a child (and have him remember the talk!)

I really hope I never have to spank Russ. I hope he doesn't do anything dangerous like run in the road or try to touch the stove. I will spend time with him telling him not to do those things and why. But if he does them anyway, I reserve the right to give him a light smack.

 

[bajanswife]

Genuinely curious about something: several of you have mentioned running out into the street as toddlers being one of the things that warrant a spanking i.e. it seems to be the most common "biggie" mentioned. Why is that? I have regrettably spanked on a few occasions, but never for something like that. For the street we did all sorts of preventive things, but never assumed they'd always obey, never expected them to. We protected them, supervised them, and made sure they didn't have access to the street (or parking lot) without a firm hold on my hand. If they ever impulsively managed to get away, I put on a huge show of fear and scared the heck out of them! Grabbing them in a panic and looking at them with huge saucer eyes and a huge gasp did more than any spanking, let me tell you! All 3 of my kids have a very healthy respect (bordering on fear) of roads. And at ages 5, 3 and 2 all I have to say is "car"! in a loud and urgent voice and they scatter at top speed for the grass verge or sidewalk! Without fail. Having never been spanked or punished for it. I guess I'm just tryng to understand how punishing them helps teach them anything about roads? You still have to teach them road safety, you still have to supervise them - I'm sure you're not saying to yourself "ah, now I've spanked Junior for running into the street, he has learned his lesson and I never have to worry about it again"! (ditto for any safety issue). Am I right? I dunno ... I never did trust spanking to teach any safety lesson.

The few spankings I gave were related to power struggles and defiance. I know there were better ways to handle it, and maybe I should have just walked away. But I'm a strict mom with a low tolerance for certain things, so I let my need to take care of a problem right away (before it got worse - you know, the "nip it in the bud" thing) get in the way of my better judgement. Then again, the few spankings did reinforce the limits I was trying to set, and did show the child that I really meant business. Could I have showed that some other way? Maybe. Probably, in retrospect. Thankfully I seem to have achieved my purpose without any apparent ill effects. I shall still continue to strive for a peaceful household where I can get through power struggles without resorting to brute force, which is really what a spanking is.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. It's interesting to see what are "spankable offences" in different people's homes.

 

[Sandy22]

If the only way you can get a child to listen to you, understand your point, follw your rules, whatever you call want to call it is to use some type of physical force then that's pathetic.

 

[froglady]

Withholding your childs tuition seems a bit extreme, if she is already college aged and in college then I think you are just plain overbearing, she is in fact an adult after all, she could take out loans you know.

If she wants to get married, doesn't bother showing up for classes, etc. I don't think it's "overbearing" to tell her she's on her own. If she doesn't clean up her room or stays out all night? None of my business; as long as she's 1000 miles away, and not "under my roof."

 

[Texan Mouseketeer]

Genuinely curious about something: several of you have mentioned running out into the street as toddlers being one of the things that warrant a spanking i.e. it seems to be the most common "biggie" mentioned. Why is that?

Well, I was firmly holding my DS's hand and he bit me on my wrist hard enough to draw blood. I jerked my hand away because, of course, it hurt like you know what and then he ran out into the street. He had no concept of the fact that he could be hit by a car and he purposely hurt me in order to be able to run away. He laughed the whole time and when I tried to explain to him how dangerous it was, he just laughed and mouthed off to me. THAT is why he received a spanking - because it wasn't getting through to him!

 

[froglady]

You withold tuition? Wow, that's a big punishment. How does the University feel about a student who's parent decides emotionally if tuition is to be paid? I reckon that student would not be enrolled for long. Interesting consequences and something I would never do unless I stopped paying once and forever for a huge infraction.

I have NEVER had to withold tuition!! DD knows that she has to maintain a reasonable average if I'm going to continue to pay her tuition. She was an honors student in HS; I expect her to at least pass all of her classes in college, or else pay for it herself. What's so horrible about that?

Do you really think I would withold tuition just because she did something minor that I didn't like? Sheesh.

 

[Goobergal99]

College is a totally different atmosphere then HS # 1, I know I had honors in highschool too but college was way more difficult and although I did graduate with a 3.3 GPA ( Honors) I worked very hard to graduate with that average believe me.

I think that not paying your childs tuition just because she may have some difficulty in a class and "GASP" maybe even fail one, is totally unreasonable. Then again, I didn't have the luxury of my mother affording to pay for my college education so I got by on Grants and Loans and I worked part time all through college as well.

Still, it seems really horrible to threaten not to pay for your childs education if they don't maintain specific standards.

 

[Sandy22]

 

[Goobergal99]

Well, I was firmly holding my DS's hand and he bit me on my wrist hard enough to draw blood. I jerked my hand away because, of course, it hurt like you know what and then he ran out into the street. He had no concept of the fact that he could be hit by a car and he purposely hurt me in order to be able to run away. He laughed the whole time and when I tried to explain to him how dangerous it was, he just laughed and mouthed off to me. THAT is why he received a spanking - because it wasn't getting through to him!

No offense, but if your child is that ignorant to the fact that a car can hit him, then you should seek some therapy especially if he is biting you and physically drew blood.

 

[slo]

I voted for Spanking is okay in some situations.

I haven't read all the other posts - but I have spanked my oldest DD when she truly deserved it. I was spanked, and I turned out completely normal. In fact....I completely respect my parents and grandma for spanking me. I'm a better person because of it.

 

[Goobergal99]

I voted for Spanking is okay in some situations.

I haven't read all the other posts - but I have spanked my oldest DD when she truly deserved it. I was spanked, and I turned out completely normal. In fact....I completely respect my parents and grandma for spanking me. I'm a better person because of it.

I'd love to know how being physcially hit corrolates with you having become a good person. Please explain that one.

 

[Sandy22]

Inspired by the spanking in school thread....

A question to pro-spankers: if you spank your child at home, would you also allow school administrators and teachers to spank your child?

 

[teacherforhi]

College is a totally different atmosphere then HS # 1, I know I had honors in highschool too but college was way more difficult and although I did graduate with a 3.3 GPA ( Honors) I worked very hard to graduate with that average believe me.

I think that not paying your childs tuition just because she may have some difficulty in a class and "GASP" maybe even fail one, is totally unreasonable. Then again, I didn't have the luxury of my mother affording to pay for my college education so I got by on Grants and Loans and I worked part time all through college as well.

Still, it seems really horrible to threaten not to pay for your childs education if they don't maintain specific standards.

The federal government won't hand out grants and the college won't hand out scholarships without the student maintaining certain standards...why is it so horrible that a parent would expect the same thing?

I think that's the perfect example of the punishment fitting the crime. A person knows that they're struggling in a class long before that final grade comes out. The responsible thing to do is to go to one's parents and explain the situation. If the explanation is that your child is to busy being social and partying to study, why should the parent subsidize that kind of lifestyle?

My parents have had to take out parent loans in order to help pay for my sister's education. However, two years ago, she was really struggling with grades. She came to my parents and explained how hard she was trying and just couldn't seem to get it together. As a group, they decided she needed to take a semester off and then resume in the fall. It's worked out well for her.

The irresponsible thing would have been for her to continue to fail and waste my parents' money and hope she could get away with it for a while.