Is it unrealistic for parents to expect teenagers to practice abstinence?

[jrydberg]

Originally posted by katerkat
Ditto. It really depends on YOUR kids. And from kid to kid - my sisters and I all have very different views on it!

Now, my kids will both abstain, but that's only because I had them neutered.



(They're cats, before anyone freaks out!!)

Cat's or not, it still freaks me out!

 

[Maleficent13]

Originally posted by Rajah
I can, my (now) husband did, and I would expect our kids to do the same.

No disrespect intended, but I'm just curious: why would you expect your kids to be the same as you? They're not you; they're entirely different and separate people. Again, I don't mean to be antagonistic, but I just wondered.

 

[TinkBoo&ElliesMum]

Originally posted by Cruisin'Kroezes


How many of us can honestly say that they practiced abstinence as a teenager?

I didn't - but I wasn't expected to either, we talked about it from an early age and I was given the information and access to protection. My Mom didn't abstain either and this was info we all knew (my family is a little too open at times) and she didn't feel it right to expect things from me that she didn't do.

With that said, my ex and I had a birth control failure at 18 that resulted in DS.

 

[WDWHound]

Originally posted by Maleficent13
No disrespect intended, but I'm just curious: why would you expect your kids to be the same as you? They're not you; they're entirely different and separate people. Again, I don't mean to be antagonistic, but I just wondered.

I know you didn't ask me, but I think its reasonable to expect kids to adhere to the values expected by their parents. All parents do this. For example, all parents (or at least most) teach their kids not to do drugs because it can be harmful to them. Having sex as a teen can be very harmful emotionally, so I feel the parents have the right to expect their teen to abstain. In homes where this is a religious issue, parents have the right to expect their children to behave in a way consistant with the parents faith untill the kid is old enough to make those decisions themselves (ie after the teenage years).

 

[Alice28]

No, I don't think it's unrealistic. My mother is a labor and delivery nurse and she would tell me about this 15 year olds in labor and what a hard time they had. She would talk very openly with me about periods, sex, babies from about 11 years onward. I was very involved in my church's youth group and hung around kids who had the same values as I did. While I did not wait until I was married to have sex, I was 18 and out of high school. I think what struck me so much about sex, learning this in youth group, was that it's not so much the actual act that can harm you (meaning physically- HIV, STD's, pregnancy), it's the emotional toil it can bring to a teenager (or even an adult). It just adds a whole, new, often complicated for someone who is emotionally immature, dimension to a relationship and I am going to talk about that with my boys when they get older.

 

[poohandwendy]

IMO, the best approach (with children) is to 'expect' the highest of everything, morals, personal achievements, grades, etc...but to be prepared that they may not be able or willing to meet your expectations...and to keep the lines of communication open even if they do things differently than you would like.

There should be no limit in our hopes and expectations for our children...but we have a responsibility to be supportive when they fall/fail.

I think it is unrealistic to think that we, parents, are in control of their decision making.

 

[Cruisin]

Originally posted by Cruisin'Kroezes

How many of us can honestly say that they practiced abstinence as a teenager?

I guess I didn't answer my own question.

I did practice abstinence when I was a teenager. I believe that I was 20. My partner (now my husband) was still a teenager though.

I have a 20 year old son and a 17 year old daughter both of whom I am pretty sure have not become sexually active yet. Do I think that my daughter will make it out of her teens before it happens? Quite possible because I know her thoughts on the subject, but you never know what will happen, who they will meet etc.

 

[MosMom]

We are not religious therefore I see no reason that my kids should have to wait until they are married. I would like them to wait until they are older and in a committed relationship. I want them to understand all the implications that come with having sex and understand how to have safe sex.

I think having a sexual experience unmarried is far better than getting married simply to have sex and then having the marriage fall apart because there was nothing else there.

I hope that my kids wait until they much older (like you said Rita, 17 and above...although I would like to see closer to 20) because I think they are a little more mature at that point.

My main concern with it is understanding about STD's & pregnancy.

 

[cardaway]

Abstinence from anything and everything or just intercourse?

If from anything and everything then I think it is with a capital U.

 

[LisaSt]

I would have a hard time expecting that of a teenager looking back at personal experiance anyhow so if my 3 kids do not I have no reason to chastise them for it. Same with drinking or smokingI did all of the things even if just to see what it was like. I would have a hard time being mad or upset at them for it it is like a double standard it was fine for me to do it but not for them to. Nope not mad at all my parents knew everythng I did and tried when I was a teen and I would hope mine would have the same respect to let me know they have done or tried those things.

 

[Rajah]

Originally posted by WDWHound
I know you didn't ask me, but I think its reasonable to expect kids to adhere to the values expected by their parents. All parents do this. For example, all parents (or at least most) teach their kids not to do drugs because it can be harmful to them. Having sex as a teen can be very harmful emotionally, so I feel the parents have the right to expect their teen to abstain. In homes where this is a religious issue, parents have the right to expect their children to behave in a way consistant with the parents faith untill the kid is old enough to make those decisions themselves (ie after the teenage years).

Exactly

 

[feenie]

I think that we should encourage teens/young adults to stay abstinant. There is so much that can go wrong with STD's and Pregnancy. Also, what more special gift could you share with your new spouse on your wedding night?
If we set a standard for kids to follow from an early age, and limit the amount of "alone" time hormonal teens have together, it will be easier for them.
I was babysitting my friends kid the other day,(he is 7) and he has decided that he won't "date untill he gets married".
ok, so he has it a little backwards, but his parents are already starting to instill in him the sanctity of marrige and purity.

 

[Maleficent13]

Originally posted by MosMom
We are not religious therefore I see no reason that my kids should have to wait until they are married. I would like them to wait until they are older and in a committed relationship. I want them to understand all the implications that come with having sex and understand how to have safe sex.

I think having a sexual experience unmarried is far better than getting married simply to have sex and then having the marriage fall apart because there was nothing else there.

I agree, MosMom.

WDWHound, thanks for the answer to my question. I'm sure my parents had expectations of me, as well. I hope I have managed to live up to most of them; however, there came a time when I had to decide what I wanted: to continue living their life for me or start living my life for me. At age 17, I decided to live my own life, and I think I've managed that pretty well.

 

[damo]

It depends on what age you are referring to. There is a big difference between a 13 yo and an 18 yo and in my eyes they are both teens.

I think that we should expect abstinance in any non-committed relationship.

 

[WDWHound]

Originally posted by Maleficent13
I agree, MosMom.

WDWHound, thanks for the answer to my question. I'm sure my parents had expectations of me, as well. I hope I have managed to live up to most of them; however, there came a time when I had to decide what I wanted: to continue living their life for me or start living my life for me. At age 17, I decided to live my own life, and I think I've managed that pretty well.

I'm sure you did great. However many kids at age 17 that think they are ready to make such important decisions are not and end up messing their lives up badly. No one rule applies to everyone, but in most cases I still think this sort of thing is the parents call becuase they can draw on a wealth of experience that a teenager just does not have.

Now, will teenagers always meet the expectations set by their parents? Of course not. Many will, but some wont. Thats where understanding, love and fogiveness should come in.

 

[Aimeedyan]

I don't think it's unrealistic, I know many teenagers that are not having sex, and have more self control than to. Geez, people, we are NOT wild animals!

I was 24 years old when I had sex. Many of my friends CHOSE to have sex, but they did not *have* to. I CHOSE to wait for my husband, and I did without a problem. It was NOT THAT HARD.

That being said, I believe it's unrealistic to ASSUME all teenagers are going to wait, and not offer them the facts. My mother, at age 15, told me all about the different means of protection, and was very open with me. Though I told her I planned to wait, she still wanted me to know what was out there and know that I could come to her for a GYN appt and she would not judge me or lecture me. She even confided that she CHOSE to have sex with my dad before marriage.

I plan to do the same with my children. Share my own exp, encourage them to wait for their spouse, but also offer the facts.

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

I practiced abstinence as a teen and after a few years I was actually successful at it. It does take practice.

Seriously, I think it is unrealistic to expect all teens to abstain from sex (with or without practice LOL). It is most of our natures to hope that our children are abstaining, but hope and reality aren't often connected.

 

[IceQueen777]

Originally posted by DisneyAddict_M
Not at all. The first time I "did the deed" was on my wedding night. The only trouble is that I was just 19. Premarital sex is against my religion, so I just got married sooner! The marriage only lasted 4 years.

Not to pick on you, but I would want my (older) teenage children to have protected sex with their significant other rather than get married way too young.

 

[Lanshark]

I expect my teens to clean their room, do their homework, eat their veggies, be helpful, be careful, be respectful and be virgins.

I don't always get what I want but I'm sure going to keep expecting it.

 

[Galahad]

I don't always get what I want but I'm sure going to keep expecting it.

Bingo!