Is it too easy to get divorced?

[sunnyday123]

I disagree with this. Why is it always the woman who is the problem person? Why is it that she's supposed to be able to be all things to all people? Why does she have to be the doting mother, the housekeeper, the chauffeur, the cook (sometimes a breadwinner) and still keep her man happy with appearance and in the bedroom, while a man's only duty seems to be to work?

THANK YOU!!

 

[ckay87]

We have become a self-centered society in which we believe that we are all deserving of "happiness". Frankly, most people will never be happy. Sure, some migh find a short-termed respite from their self-proclaimed dull existence in another person or hobby, but happiness comes from within.

Is divorce too easy? Not sure, but marriage itself has become meaningless for most. It is no longer "sacred". And don't get me started on the ability of people in our society to keep their word. You make wedding vows and later walk away because you are not happy? Ever hear of the word integrity? People with integrity do not break vows, right?

Darn tootin.... suck it up and die miserable.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Yes, happiness comes from within, but I do not believe we have the ability to find that happiness if it is drowning in misery from a toxic existance.

With few exceptions, life is what you make of it.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

With few exceptions, life is what you make of it.

Absolutely! You should make the best of it if your husband has Tiger Woods' tendancies, or perhaps he lost himself years ago in a bottle of alcohol, maybe he's a lazy SOB who prefers not to work and would rather sit around all day and not do anything in the house too. Maybe he's even physically abusive. Sure, I could see how in those situations it's all a matter of perspective.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Absolutely! You should make the best of it if your husband has Tiger Woods' tendancies, or perhaps he lost himself years ago in a bottle of alcohol, maybe he's a lazy SOB who prefers not to work and would rather sit around all day and not do anything in the house too. Maybe he's even physically abusive. Sure, I could see how in those situations it's all a matter of perspective.

In this case, the other person broke the vows. The other person is responsible for the break in trust. Not sure what this has to do with the price of tea in China. Infidelity has nothing to do with happiness.

A happy person is happy - even married to Tiger Woods. A person who is not happy will never be happy, even married tp Prince Charming and with untold riches at their disposal.

 

[allison443]

No, divorce is not too hard to get. Its not too easy to get married either. The state is not my nanny, my guidence counselor, my therapist or my moral compass. The state's only responsibility is to provide a legal process for getting married and an equitable legal process for getting divorced. I am responsible for my own decisions, be they to rush into a bad marriage or to leave one.

Great points!
I can't understand why people thing the state should make it "harder" to get divorced? You mean decide whether you as an adult are making the right decision? Talk about a nanny state!

OP I do understand (I think) your point that maybe some people are too quick to decide to divorce rather than trying to work it out, try counseling etc. But that is on them, not the divorce process.

 

[scottishduffy]

I disagree with this. Why is it always the woman who is the problem person? Why is it that she's supposed to be able to be all things to all people? Why does she have to be the doting mother, the housekeeper, the chauffeur, the cook (sometimes a breadwinner) and still keep her man happy with appearance and in the bedroom, while a man's only duty seems to be to work?

It is not solely the woman's responsibility to be all those things. The man should also help care for the kids, help with housework and take time out of his day to make time for the wife.

I have seen several couples already where over focus on children eventually led to divorce. They just seemed to wake up one day and realize they no longer knew each other. Is it solely moms fault? Noooo. Yet most often I hear guys at work complain about how they wanted to go to XYZ event with the wife but can't leave a 3yr old with a sitter. Or how they have two kids co-sleeping and are never alone. I was recently talking at work about a weekend away with DH and one woman mentioned she hadn't done that in 8 yrs since her kids were born. She said her DH had tried to get her to go away but that she refused to leave the kiddos like that. It seems that Mom's *usually* lead the charge when it comes to the kids.

Each member in a couple needs to make time for the other and make sure that other person feels important. That means both people help with housework, help with the kids, and then make time for just themselves without ANY kids around.

Love is just as much a conscious decision as it is a feeling.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

I wasn't sure from your post...are you divorced, or going through one currently?

Neither, happily married, thank goodness. I'm enough of a historian to know the plight of women who lived in an era when divorce was hard to get- either legally difficult or socially difficult, and it was a terrible abuse perpetuated on women.

 

[bettymae1121]

In this case, the other person broke the vows. The other person is responsible for the break in trust. Not sure what this has to do with the price of tea in China. Infidelity has nothing to do with happiness.

A happy person is happy - even married to Tiger Woods. A person who is not happy will never be happy, even married tp Prince Charming and with untold riches at their disposal.

I disagree. Someone with a perfect marriage may not nessesarily be happy...but a person married to a Grade A #1 jerk is almost certain not to be happy. Happiness doesn't just come from within, it does depend on certain outside factors too. Sometimes in order to obtain that happiness from within, you have to remove yourself from a toxic situation, and that toxic situation may be a bad marriage. And "toxic" doesn't have to be abusive, or have a drug/alcohol problem, or cheats on you. Sometimes it just that you never fit together in the first place, or one (or both) of you have changed. I know I'm not the same person in my mid 30's as I was in my mid 20's. I was a good person at both ages...but had I married at 24 my hypothetical husband may not have been compatable with the changes I've gone through.

 

[jodifla]

It is not solely the woman's responsibility to be all those things. The man should also help care for the kids, help with housework and take time out of his day to make time for the wife.

I have seen several couples already where over focus on children eventually led to divorce. They just seemed to wake up one day and realize they no longer knew each other. Is it solely moms fault? Noooo. Yet most often I hear guys at work complain about how they wanted to go to XYZ event with the wife but can't leave a 3yr old with a sitter. Or how they have two kids co-sleeping and are never alone. I was recently talking at work about a weekend away with DH and one woman mentioned she hadn't done that in 8 yrs since her kids were born. She said her DH had tried to get her to go away but that she refused to leave the kiddos like that. It seems that Mom's *usually* lead the charge when it comes to the kids.

Each member in a couple needs to make time for the other and make sure that other person feels important. That means both people help with housework, help with the kids, and then make time for just themselves without ANY kids around.

Love is just as much a conscious decision as it is a feeling.

Exactly. So many couples turn into super-PARENT!!!!! (especially the moms) and completely lose themselves as a couple. Any suggestion that it might be best to also make time just for the two of them is met with "I didn't have kids for someone else to raise them" or "We don't need any alone time...we are fine being a family 24/7!!"

I too have had co-workers who were pretty tired of the whole co-sleeping, all-family-all-the-time sentiment, but their spouses wouldn't hear otherwise.

 

[Colleen27]

I disagree with this. Why is it always the woman who is the problem person? Why is it that she's supposed to be able to be all things to all people? Why does she have to be the doting mother, the housekeeper, the chauffeur, the cook (sometimes a breadwinner) and still keep her man happy with appearance and in the bedroom, while a man's only duty seems to be to work?

Who said the man's only duty is to work? I wasn't talking about household duties at all. It is about parenting style - the whole "attachment parenting" movement that some parents (again, mostly but not exclusively women) have taken to an extreme that is detrimental to their adult relationships. It has nothing to do with who is doing the dishes or the chauffeuring and everything to do with priorities. Of course the kids come first most of the time for any parent, but sometimes marriage and self have to have a turn too.

 

[Acklander]

Is divorce too easy? Not sure, but marriage itself has become meaningless for most. It is no longer "sacred". And don't get me started on the ability of people in our society to keep their word. You make wedding vows and later walk away because you are not happy? Ever hear of the word integrity? People with integrity do not break vows, right?

this is where I think you're wrong. Just because a marriage is ending (for whatever reason) does not mean that the person considered marriage meaningless or that they don't have integrity. I think it's a lot more dishonest to stay in a loveless marriage. I consider marriage to be a partnership with my best friend. yes, there are going to be rough times but the good will outweigh the bad and you get through it together. If my marriage became a lonely, loveless union where we were just existing together - you're damn right I'd look for a divorce - It's a marriage, not a prison sentence.

 

[Acklander]

It is about parenting style - the whole "attachment parenting" movement that some parents (again, mostly but not exclusively women) have taken to an extreme that is detrimental to their adult relationships. It has nothing to do with who is doing the dishes or the chauffeuring and everything to do with priorities. Of course the kids come first most of the time for any parent, but sometimes marriage and self have to have a turn too.

LOL - BOTH DH and I are firm believers in attachment parenting. (co-sleeping, wearing baby, nursing, no crying it out etc...) and we're the furthest thing from helicopter parents that you can find, we both worked, and we managed to find plenty of alone time. The fact that we were both in agreement on how to raise our children has made our marriage stronger, not weaker.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

IMHO... NO ONE ever has any right to tell me:

1) Who I can marry. Regardless of race, gender, age (beyond the age of consent, of course) or any other determining factor, its my business.
2) That I MUST marry. If I decide to enter into a "domestic partnership", "live together", or just plain "shack up", its my business.
BUT MOST OF ALL
3) That once I have entered into a relationship, I have to stay there.

It always floors me how society in general thinks it's any of anyone else's business what happens within MY marriage/relationships. Regardless of the reason - infidelity, abuse, or just plain old we-have-grown-apart-and-I don't-love-you-anymore - NO ONE should ever be forced to stay in a marriage they don't want to be in.

Divorce is hard. Hard to get, hard to get through, and hard to deal with afterwards. But if I have made the decision that I want to dissolve my marriage and deal with the consequences, then it is absolutely no one else's business, and no one has the right to judge. I love Jennasis's "grass" analogy - maybe the grass IS greener, maybe it isn't, but if your grass is totally wasted, burned out, gone, ANY grass will be better. And maybe you don't want any grass at all! Personal choice, no one else's business.

And yes, I have never been divorced. Never even considered it. Married 17 years this summer, very happy. My DH was married once before me; horrible, imploding, mess of a failed 9-month marriage. I witnessed that one, it was ugly. My mom was married and divorced twice by the time I was 8. She taught me three very important things: If everyone else says he is a bum, he probably is a bum, you just aren't looking at things clearly, and Stand up for yourself, no matter what anyone says, your life - your choice, and There are far far worse things than being divorced and alone. If anything ever changed in our relationship; if he cheated, or was abusive, if the trust and respect and love were to be gone, I would walk away, in a heartbeat. It would break my heart, but I have too much self-respect to stay in a bad situation.

Great Post!!

And I have been divorced! And you are right... divorce is not easy to get. At the time of my divorce I lived in Virginia and had to wait a year and pay $$$.

It was not easy on me, him or our daughter but it was the right thing for all of us. Many years later we are all much, much happier now then if we had stayed married.

 

[Jennasis]

My divorce took over 2 years. We had no assets, no property, no house, no kids. Ex simply dragged his feet because he was a lazy jerk who wanted to have the last laugh.

When DH and I married 5 years ago, the pastor who was to wed us had concerns about my divorced status. He couldn't reconcile in his head/heart performing our marriage knowing I was previously married (in a full Catholic mass no less). He called DH and I into his office to talk to us about it, and when I explained the circumstances of my divorce, he sighed in relief. HE said that my ex had broken HIS vows. Not me. Ex had abandoned me emotionally and forsaken his wedding vows and his duty as a husband to ME.

Go figure.

Then he happily wed DH and I.

 

[krcit]

this is where I think you're wrong. Just because a marriage is ending (for whatever reason) does not mean that the person considered marriage meaningless or that they don't have integrity. I think it's a lot more dishonest to stay in a loveless marriage. I consider marriage to be a partnership with my best friend. yes, there are going to be rough times but the good will outweigh the bad and you get through it together. If my marriage became a lonely, loveless union where we were just existing together - you're damn right I'd look for a divorce - It's a marriage, not a prison sentence.

I think so many people see things in black and white. Life is not black and white. If I leave a marriage because I'm unhappy, that doesn't make me a bad person or someone wthout integrity. It makes me a human being.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

this is where I think you're wrong. Just because a marriage is ending (for whatever reason) does not mean that the person considered marriage meaningless or that they don't have integrity. I think it's a lot more dishonest to stay in a loveless marriage...

Having integrity means keeping your word all the time, every time - not just when it is easy or convenient. That was my point. The vows are no longer considered to be a life long commitment, so marriage itself has been devalued. Wedding vows are now considered to be a commitment "until that commitment is no longer comfortable or convenient or some such nonsense".

What if you loaned me money, and I promised to pay you back "unless I decide not to". Wouldn't get many takers for those terms, would we?

 

[Acklander]

Having integrity means keeping your word all the time, every time - not just when it is easy or convenient. That was my point. The vows are no longer considered to be a life long commitment, so marriage itself has been devalued. Wedding vows are now considered to be a commitment "until that commitment is no longer comfortable or convenient or some such nonsense".

You obviously don't understand how much pain a person goes through at the end of their marriage to consider it "such nonsense" I don't know anyone who ended their marriage casually.
And to be honest, I wouldn't want a person to stay married to me only out of a sense of duty. THAT to me would devalue the meaning of marriage.
Seriously, would you want your partner to remain with you, only because they felt they had to????

 

[AlleyKat]

You obviously don't understand how much pain a person goes through at the end of their marriage to consider it "such nonsense" I don't know anyone who ended their marriage casually.
And to be honest, I wouldn't want a person to stay married to me only out of a sense of duty. THAT to me would devalue the meaning of marriage.
Seriously, would you want your partner to remain with you, only because they felt they had to????

Misery does love company!

 

[krcit]

You obviously don't understand how much pain a person goes through at the end of their marriage to consider it "such nonsense" I don't know anyone who ended their marriage casually.
And to be honest, I wouldn't want a person to stay married to me only out of a sense of duty. THAT to me would devalue the meaning of marriage.
Seriously, would you want your partner to remain with you, only because they felt they had to????

Exactly!!! Everyone deserves to be with someone who really truly loves them. I wouldn't want my DH to stay with me if he didn't love me anymore. I deserve better than that and so does he.