Is it too easy to get divorced?

[englishteacha]

I know it's not the same, but many of my friends in their 20s are now divorced, divorcing, or are even on their 2nd marriage. I think in some cases they got caught up in the idea of a marriage and hung up on the wedding, and then they hit the "now what?" stage.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

or maybe the spouse who initiates the divorce is a fantastic actor who shows his/her spouse how happy they are, how in love they are, but who is really feeling/thinking different things.

at least that was my experience.

my dh and I were very close to divorce, and yep, I was completely blindsided. I know this isn't always the case, but I know more than a few people who were completely shocked, not simply looking thru rose colored glasses ignoring their spouses unhappiness.

I've never met anyone that good of an actor, but obviously I wasn't there. Every spouse that I know that has been completely shocked, has been the only one to be shocked by the news.

 

[wdwfan16]

I think that most who have been through a divorce would agree that it's NOT easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know anyone who did it on a whim.

It is pretty easy to look at a situation from the outside and decide that the people involved aren't doing what they should, though. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

No thanks.


Marriage is too easy to enter into. If it was harder then divorce rate would go down.

 

[wdwfan16]

I also tend to think that people who think divorce is easy (or an easy solution) are the ones who have not been through it or had the kind of marital troubles that might lead to divorce. Generally, you may feel like people are rushing off for a divorce without any effort to save the marriage first, but it's likely only because you have NO IDEA what the couple goes through behind closed doors. You're probably thinking "I never knew there was a problem with them" or "Why won't they work it out first?"

News Flash:
Most couples don't broadcast their personal lives.

When I left my ex (after being married a mere 7 months...seven looooong months of emotional abuse and neglect), I had to tell him to go and warn his parents about the fact that I was filing for divorce. His family...his mom and dad, had NO CLUE there was anything remotely wrong with us. They actually came over to my house the next night, after I told him I was filing for divorce, and CHASTIZED ME for being immature and "running away" from my responsibilities as a wife. I had to explain to them that their son was a tyrranical monster who systematically beat me down with his words and actions until I could love him no more. I explained we HAD gone to counseling (I dragged him there kicking and screaming. He refused to take counseling seriously, told me he didn't need since I was the one who thought there was a problem, not him, and he wouldn't help pay for it).

So remember...you may think you know everything about that other couple who suddenly announces their splitting. But you don't know jack about squat.

Disclaimer: That is not to say that there aren't cases where people walk away for no reason.

How long did you date? Did he ever do this when you were dating?

 

[minkydog]

NO.

It is WAY to easy to get married. Any ol' fool can rush into it.

Getting divorce is messy,complicated, expensive and very difficult.

I agree with this. There is so much negativity associated with divorce--it is not easy. I do think that a lot of couples don't communicate well and they just get tired of the familiarity. Habits that were "cute" early in the marriage grate on the nerves aft 5 or 15 or 25 years. Couple that with the middle age crises that both men AND women experience in their 40s & 50s, physical changes, health problems, and general re-evaluation of their lives and a lot of people just want to start over. You're right, of course. The grass is not greener and I think if people realized how hard it is to cope, to support yourself, to raise children, and enter new relationships after divorce they might be willing to give it the old college try. You absolutely CAN fall back in love with your spouse if both of you are willing to work at it. It's all about committment.

There was a time when I considered divorce. Even though I hate divorce and thought I would never do it. Our lives had become parallel--I took care of the kids and he worked and we didn't do a lot of things together. Then one day we got news that DH had a brain tumor and our lives changed overnight. We had to spend time discussing some pretty awful things, like the possibility of death and disability. Suddenly, I saw how estranged we had become and made a conscious effort to put him first, before the kids and before my job. It has made all the difference.

DH did not die of his brain tumor, of course. it turned out to be benign, though not treatable. He eventually became very ill with other things, and is disabled now. He has nearly died 4 times. We had a son with global disabilities. We had another son who we discovered was bipolar. So we have had our fair share of crisis. We have lost a lot of things, but we have not lost our committment. Our relationship has changed over the years. I don't get that "rush" when he calls me or when he says "I love you." But I get deep satisfaction in knowing that he cares for me deeply and I care for him deeply. We still love each other and we're in this for the long haul. I hate to think that I might have given up when we were in a wilderness period. It would have destroyed everyone I love. And would it have made my life better? I think not.

 

[Acklander]

No thanks.


Marriage is too easy to enter into. If it was harder then divorce rate would go down.

But if marriage was harder to enter into, then people would just choose to live together instead of getting married. If you lived with someone for 20 years, had kids, raised a family, I don't think that the break up would be any easier as far as emotions go, KWIM??? Legally, you may still have to go thru the courts to deal with dividing assets, child support etc... And then on the other end I've known people who, even though still married, have seperated years and years before but never gotten the actual divorce, even though both had moved on with their lives.
If you're in a committed relationship, the break up is going to be hard no matter what. Marriage & Divorce, in essence are just pieces of paper.

 

[Jennasis]

How long did you date? Did he ever do this when you were dating?

A shade under 4 years. In hindsight, there were some warning signs, yes. It was always random, with no real pattern. A comment here, a lack of respect there. By the time the wedding rolled around, I was actually quite concerned, but the WEDDING had taken on this life of it's own and became something of a runaway freight train that I felt I couldn't stop. I was stupid. I also thought things would be better once we were married.

How's that for stupid?

You know, the sad part is, I would TOTALLY have stayed with him and honored my vows if he had shown me just the smallest hint of kindness even though by the end of those seven months I didn't love him at all anymore.

 

[janets]

Having lived through a divorce, I believe there are at time very valid reasons for one. My ex was cheating on me with a co worker for almost a year. Honestly, I didn't know. He worked for a company that made his schedule weekly, and often he had to stay and cover a shift or take a meeting as a department manager. So when these things occurred, I thought nothing of it.

As time passed, I realized that we were having difficulties (unaware of the truth). I asked him to go to counseling; he refused. I went alone. And through that, I learned that if he didn't think enough of our marriage to work on it, then there was no marriage to save.

It was after I had contacted my attorney to discuss what options I had and we were already occupying separate bedrooms in our home that I discovered his betrayal (which BTW, had started long before I recognized the problems). While the actual divorce procedure was difficult and painful, it was necessary.

And I do believe that many relationships, over time, change. Some for the better, some for the worse. People grow and hope that their spouses grow with them. When they can't or won't, you have to think about what your future holds and how you plan to live out your life. I do believe that everyone is entitled to happiness in their life.

 

[Simba's Mom]

Far too easy to get married. Think about how hard (or at least challenging) it is to get a driver's license. Then think about how easy it is to get a marriage license.

I also agree that divorce is NOT easy. Maybe legally it's fairly easy, but emotionally it's very hard. Even over 30 years later, I remember how hard.

 

[Buckalew11]

A shade under 4 years. In hindsight, there were some warning signs, yes. It was always random, with no real pattern. A comment here, a lack of respect there. By the time the wedding rolled around, I was actually quite concerned, but the WEDDING had taken on this life of it's own and became something of a runaway freight train that I felt I couldn't stop. I was stupid. I also thought things would be better once we were married.
How's that for stupid?

You know, the sad part is, I would TOTALLY have stayed with him and honored my vows if he had shown me just the smallest hint of kindness even though by the end of those seven months I didn't love him at all anymore.

I think this is quite common actually.

On my wedding day, my very soon to be FIL took me aside and said, "If there is any doubt about you marrying (my DH), just tell me and I'll go upstairs and tell people. I want you to be sure of what you doing."

Now, he didn't say this because he didn't like me. He loved me like I was his own. He had a divorced DD and didn't want us to feel pressured or like you stated above and that it was "too late".
Also, I had given his son the engagement ring twice because I was making sure of what I was doing. I'm sure my actions had him wanting to make sure of what I was doing that day. Marriage is supposed to be "til death do us part"--that might be a long time!

-.-.-.-

My sister is separated after 30+ yrs. of marriage. It is the hardest thing we have ever gone through as a family.

 

[MichelleVW]

NO.

It is WAY to easy to get married. Any ol' fool can rush into it.

Getting divorce is messy,complicated, expensive and very difficult.

Divorce isn't that easy and I don't know anyone who goes into it lightly. I don't think they should make it more difficult or require people to go therapy or anything. Afterall, If I don't want to be married to someone anymore I shouldn't have to be, so why make it more difficult? What difference does it make to anyone else if my marriage fails or succeeds? I'm not saying marriage has to be all love notes and roses, but if a couple is miserable they should be allowed to move on with their lives. We don't need to make it more difficult for them to do so.

Agreed!!! I got divorced in North Carolina and it took over a year!! Nothing was easy about that, due to archaic laws I was forced to stay married to an emotional and sometimes physical abuser for a year. Fun times....we were obviously separated and living in different places, but we were still married.....it sucked!!

 

[Minnie_me]

Getting divorced is NOT easy!!!

My "knight in shining armor" left me with 2 little girls 7 months ago, to go off galavanting with some young slut in his office. Typical mid-life crisis. I've had to sell the dream house that we built together, and I'm barely able to pay my bills.

How do I divorce this man!??!? He's making no moves to make this separation legal, although he makes it VERY clear that he doesn't want to return to us. But I don't have any money, and divorce is EXPENSIVE. I've spent my savings trying to keep the heat & electric on, pay the mortgage, and now I have closing costs on two houses to pay.

Divorce is NOT easy. If it were, I wouldn't be the fool left behind still married to this man who's showing such blatant disrespect for our relationship.

 

[MrsPete]

It's not about the ease or difficulty of divorce . . . or about marriage.

It's about EXPECTATIONS within the marriage. All too many people have unrealistic expectations: They expect that marriage'll be easy, they'll never have any problems that can't be resolved quickly and easily. Whether it's a conscious thought or not, too many people tend to think of their real problems like something on a sit-com or a movie, something that can be resolved in a couple hours. Or people think that if their partner doesn't make them giddy all the time, something is wrong. They don't "get" that they have to go through ups and downs, difficult patches, and they just give up as if marriage is something disposable.

Is that everyone? Of course not, but it does cover a whole lot of situations.

 

[ilovejack02]

I have had 7 close friends get divorced in the last 4 yrs . All but one ended due to cheating from husband and the one was due to emotional abuse.

I think a cpl of the girls might have worked on the marriage but they had found out the husband's had cheated multiple times with different woman. We are all about the same age and all had been married 10 yrs to 12 yrs. I wonder if it is a 10 yr itch instead of 7 yr itch ?
This is just my experience, I know woman cheat too, sometimes I am amazed some of the girls I know didn't before they threw these men out!!

Getting married is WAY to easy, wish you had to go through major counseling before saying I DO.

I got married at 23, WOW, someone should have told me SLOW DOWN!! I love my DH and wouldn't change him, but gosh why on earth was I in such a hurry ?

We have had lots of hard times and I am thankful we pushed on . At almost 15 years we are at our happiest I think, beside the year our DS7 was born. Marriage has its ups and downs and it takes effort to stay in it for the long haul . I am so glad we are still on track and plan to stay that way . BUT.. had I had my friend's experiences I would have been gone in the blink of an eye.

Divorce is awful, it does horrible things to the children, but sometimes it is better to move on and have the possibility of teaching your kids what a real marriage should be like instead of just sticking around just for them and the kids thinking that all marriages are about fighting, cheating and abuse.

No way though should people just run because of a bumpy road, no marriage will be bliss everyday .

 

[ilovejack02]

It's not about the ease or difficulty of divorce . . . or about marriage.

It's about EXPECTATIONS within the marriage. All too many people have unrealistic expectations: They expect that marriage'll be easy, they'll never have any problems that can't be resolved quickly and easily. Whether it's a conscious thought or not, too many people tend to think of their real problems like something on a sit-com or a movie, something that can be resolved in a couple hours. Or people think that if their partner doesn't make them giddy all the time, something is wrong. They don't "get" that they have to go through ups and downs, difficult patches, and they just give up as if marriage is something disposable.

Is that everyone? Of course not, but it does cover a whole lot of situations.

 

[tasha99]

I think this is quite common actually.

On my wedding day, my very soon to be FIL took me aside and said, "If there is any doubt about you marrying (my DH), just tell me and I'll go upstairs and tell people. I want you to be sure of what you doing."

Now, he didn't say this because he didn't like me. He loved me like I was his own. He had a divorced DD and didn't want us to feel pressured or like you stated above and that it was "too late".
Also, I had given his son the engagement ring twice because I was making sure of what I was doing. I'm sure my actions had him wanting to make sure of what I was doing that day. Marriage is supposed to be "til death do us part"--that might be a long time!

-.-.-.-

My sister is separated after 30+ yrs. of marriage. It is the hardest thing we have ever gone through as a family.

The "til death do us part" is what scares me about marriage. Never mind that people change, or that people may discover that's not how they want to live their lives. I have a friend who wrote vows along the lines of "as long as we want to go down the same road in life together." I respect her for making a vow she could keep. That's the big problem I have with marriage--it seems like a piece of paper that only really, really matters when people don't want to live like that anymore (when they do want to be together, why would they need the paperwork? Only because of archaic laws and an archaic insurance system). To me, marriage seems to be a social construct designed to make people behave in ways they don't want to.

Agreed!!! I got divorced in North Carolina and it took over a year!! Nothing was easy about that, due to archaic laws I was forced to stay married to an emotional and sometimes physical abuser for a year. Fun times....we were obviously separated and living in different places, but we were still married.....it sucked!!

It took me 4 years to get divorced--married 14 years, separated twice, once for one year and finally for 4 years before the divorce became final. He just didn't want to sign the paperwork, and my attorney said let him stall. Best legal advice ever, since I will pull a military retirement for the rest of my life based on his inability to let me go back when he should have. It was an awful relationship, and I suppose I should thank my kids. I may have stayed too long because of them, but it was only when I saw his treatment of me being transferred to them that I recognized how out of control and abusive things had become.

 

[sunnyday123]

I think that most who have been through a divorce would agree that it's NOT easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know anyone who did it on a whim.

It is pretty easy to look at a situation from the outside and decide that the people involved aren't doing what they should, though. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

Thank You. No one I know who has divorced did it on a "whim", and it certainly isn't easy to walk away from your family. I really get annoyed when married people judge how divorces are "so easy" and everyone just walks away without trying. How do you know who tried and how they tried?? And some situations don't warrant trying.

 

[vettechick99]

I just think people give up too easily, and are crappy at communicating.

 

[Planogirl]

Some people say that marrriage is too easy. That may be so but how would you make it harder? I don't see any easy answers to this.

 

[eliza61]

I think it's always been a number of people who don't want to put in the work a marriage takes. What's different now is divorce has lost it's stigma. Heck, people have affairs all over the place and it's not a big shocker anymore.

we are an instant gratification society.
Don't want to be married. get divorced
don't want to save for a big house or start small. get a crazy mortgage.
Don't want to save for a vacation. charge it.