Is it too easy to get divorced?

[MissFitt]

I appreciate your clarifying that you weren't slamming those who've divorced. I admit, your OP did give me that impression, so let me just counter the parts I had a problem with.

1. You started talking about the people who seemed to be walking away. This brings up my point about my worrying about the whispers of people behind my back AND my point about how you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. What looks like "walking away" to you and your brother could have been weeks, months, or years of agonizing. People have a tremendous gift for putting on a brave public persona...even to immediate family.

2. Quick to run to an attorney?? See above point. Yo have NO IDEA what other couples may have tried before throwing in the towel. My ex in-laws had no idea I dragged ex dh to counseling.

3. And in plenty of instances, the grass IS WAY greener. I don't advocate infidelity at all. I always say if you're unhappy enough to cheat, and you can't fix the marriage, just end the marriage first. But no way should anybody spend the rest of their lives looking at a burnt, lifeless, scorched-earth lawn just because all lawns have rough spots that need tending. And sometimes, The grass isn't greener. Sometimes people realize they didn't want/need a yard in the first place. Sometimes an apartment would have been a better choice.

Once more, I'll say...I am positive there are cases where one or both spouses just realizes they are bored, horny, etc and just toss it all aside. But those cases are absolutely the minority. Divorce sucks. Nobody WANTS to have one.

Well said...I just want to add to all of you folks that think divorce is too easy -- here in New York you still need grounds for divorce. I think we are the only state without no fault divorce (the so-called irreconciable differences). There was recently a case where the judge denied the divorce on the grounds of adultery even though the husband admitted to his having a long-term affair b/c the wife was still having sexual relations with the husband and by doing so had condoned the infidelity.

 

[krcit]

I appreciate your clarifying that you weren't slamming those who've divorced. I admit, your OP did give me that impression, so let me just counter the parts I had a problem with.

1. You started talking about the people who seemed to be walking away. This brings up my point about my worrying about the whispers of people behind my back AND my point about how you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. What looks like "walking away" to you and your brother could have been weeks, months, or years of agonizing. People have a tremendous gift for putting on a brave public persona...even to immediate family.

2. Quick to run to an attorney?? See above point. Yo have NO IDEA what other couples may have tried before throwing in the towel. My ex in-laws had no idea I dragged ex dh to counseling.

3. And in plenty of instances, the grass IS WAY greener. I don't advocate infidelity at all. I always say if you're unhappy enough to cheat, and you can't fix the marriage, just end the marriage first. But no way should anybody spend the rest of their lives looking at a burnt, lifeless, scorched-earth lawn just because all lawns have rough spots that need tending. And sometimes, The grass isn't greener. Sometimes people realize they didn't want/need a yard in the first place. Sometimes an apartment would have been a better choice.

Once more, I'll say...I am positive there are cases where one or both spouses just realizes they are bored, horny, etc and just toss it all aside. But those cases are absolutely the minority. Divorce sucks. Nobody WANTS to have one.

I wish I knew hot to multi-quote b/c there are a few posts I agree with. Noone knows what goes on behind closed doors and every situation is different.

 

[AlleyKat]

This is one of those subjects that gets me (as evidenced by my multiple posts). I just don't feel like those who've never been through either a divorce or survived the kind of things that normally lead to divorce (like my parents managed to do) have any business commenting on how easy an "out" divorce is.

Also, why does anyone care what other couples do?

It's threads like these that show just how judgmental people can be.

Why should people stay in an unhappy marriage? And why should you care? I would love to know.

For me, the posts above hit the nail on the head.

I'm always amazed by the finger pointing and "holier than thou" attitudes of some Dis posters, where divorce is concerned!

Religion is often thrown in the mix, when opinions are expressed. Traditional wedding vows were not uttered or written by God, nor does he expect anyone to remain miserable.

Given that humans have choices, when confronted with adversity and unhappiness, means that most will choose to remove themselves from negative situations, knowing calm and a better existance can be found elsewhere.

I'm of the opinion that those who express the most "horror", when the mere mention of divorce is uttered, are those whose identity is defined solely as a spouse. The threat that that identity can be legally removed means their whole reason for being ceases to exist.

 

[castleview]

Input on this one, please: one of our friend/couples are separated after man cheated. According to his wife "he's trying to figure out what he wants." It's been over a year and she is still waiting for him to come back. I'm at the point where I'm more frustrated with her than I'm grossed out by him. I just listen to her when she's "venting" and am trying to be a friend. But it seems like he's waiting for her to end it, so he doesn't have to be the one. What do you think?

 

[bettymae1121]

I think anyone that think divorce is "too easy and too fast" has never had one. There is nothing easy or fast about it, and it's $$$. A friend of mine is getting divorced. No kids to fight over, no finances or real estate to split, totally uncontested in all ways, and it's going to take between 1 and 2 years. It would happen a little faster if my friend had more money scraped together, but it would only speed things up by a few months.

I realize divorce procedure is different from state to state, but in my state, it moves about as fast as a glacier.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Well, that's because you haven't met me. My first wife shocked me, my friends, her friends since childhood, her parents, her brother, my family -- pretty much anyone and everyone who had known her a long time. She turned her back on everyone except a handful of people she had known only a few months.

And yes, a divorce is too easy to get. When one person can decide the fate of a marriage and the other is powerless to do anything to stop it, it is too easy to obtain -- and yes, I know things are as they are because it used to be too hard to get one. Now, it is the opposite.

Not to say that divorce is easy on those involved. It should be hard on us. I, personally, was completely blindsided. Everything was okay, best I and anyone else could tell, right up to the day it wasn't. Two days later she was gone. To say I was heartbroken isn't strong enough. I was shattered. And it took me a long time to pick up the pieces. For months, I'd break down and sob like a baby every two or three days.

Far too many people think love is a feeling, something that happens to you that you are powerless to control. If you think that it just comes out of the ether and hits you on some cosmic whim, no wonder you might think the marriage is over, love lost, if you aren't feeling that way for a while. If it came on a whim you couldn't control, then obviously it could leave the same way.

Love isn't a feeling, though feelings usually accompany it. Love is an act of will -- it is a thing you do and you can choose to continue doing it. It is commitment. Most of us recite vows when we get married. They are called wedding vows, not wedding wishes. The vows are there for the times when things are hard, not for when everything is roses and blushing and holding hands. The vows aren't really all that critical during the good times. Honor your vows during the hard times. The feelings will usually return. You're not always joyous or angry or annoyed, but you can count on feeling all those again in your life. Why would the feelings we associate with love be any different? Feelings are fleeting but recurring. Commitment is (supposed to be) permanent, but when it isn't, it is because one or both people have chosen to stop.

I wanted to comment on your bolded statement. I empathize with you and how you're feeling, but I totally disagree with you. I see where you're coming from, having been a victim in all this. But from another perpective- an abused spouse whose ex will not let go, a spouse who has been abandoned and cannot move on until she can get her divorce, a spouse who will not sign the papers because he/she wants to control the partner that is leaving, a spouse who will not sign the papers because he/she does not want to pay child support or alimony. There are many many good reasons that a person SHOULD be able to get a divorce without the consent of the other partner. Speaking as a woman who is deeply interested in studying women's history, THANK GOD women in this day and age can simply walk away. The law has no business trapping a person in a marriage that he/she does not want to be in - that is abuse.

No, divorce is not too hard to get. Its not too easy to get married either. The state is not my nanny, my guidence counselor, my therapist or my moral compass. The state's only responsibility is to provide a legal process for getting married and an equitable legal process for getting divorced. I am responsible for my own decisions, be they to rush into a bad marriage or to leave one.

 

[Jennasis]

I wanted to comment on your bolded statement. I empathize with you and how you're feeling, but I totally disagree with you. I see where you're coming from, having been a victim in all this. But from another perpective- an abused spouse whose ex will not let go, a spouse who has been abandoned and cannot move on until she can get her divorce, a spouse who will not sign the papers because he/she wants to control the partner that is leaving, a spouse who will not sign the papers because he/she does not want to pay child support or alimony. There are many many good reasons that a person SHOULD be able to get a divorce without the consent of the other partner. Speaking as a woman who is deeply interested in studying women's history, THANK GOD women in this day and age can simply walk away. The law has no business trapping a person in a marriage that he/she does not want to be in - that is abuse.

No, divorce is not too hard to get. Its not too easy to get married either. The state is not my nanny, my guidence counselor, my therapist or my moral compass. The state's only responsibility is to provide a legal process for getting married and an equitable legal process for getting divorced. I am responsible for my own decisions, be they to rush into a bad marriage or to leave one.

I wasn't sure from your post...are you divorced, or going through one currently?

 

[Colleen27]

Marriage is too easy to enter into. If it was harder then divorce rate would go down.

But would that really be an acceptable trade-off? I can't think of any way to make getting married harder that wouldn't at least have the potential for discrimination based on one factor or another.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, that's because you haven't met me. My first wife shocked me, my friends, her friends since childhood, her parents, her brother, my family -- pretty much anyone and everyone who had known her a long time. She turned her back on everyone except a handful of people she had known only a few months.

And yes, a divorce is too easy to get. When one person can decide the fate of a marriage and the other is powerless to do anything to stop it, it is too easy to obtain -- and yes, I know things are as they are because it used to be too hard to get one. Now, it is the opposite.

Not to say that divorce is easy on those involved. It should be hard on us. I, personally, was completely blindsided. Everything was okay, best I and anyone else could tell, right up to the day it wasn't. Two days later she was gone. To say I was heartbroken isn't strong enough. I was shattered. And it took me a long time to pick up the pieces. For months, I'd break down and sob like a baby every two or three days.

Far too many people think love is a feeling, something that happens to you that you are powerless to control. If you think that it just comes out of the ether and hits you on some cosmic whim, no wonder you might think the marriage is over, love lost, if you aren't feeling that way for a while. If it came on a whim you couldn't control, then obviously it could leave the same way.

Love isn't a feeling, though feelings usually accompany it. Love is an act of will -- it is a thing you do and you can choose to continue doing it. It is commitment. Most of us recite vows when we get married. They are called wedding vows, not wedding wishes. The vows are there for the times when things are hard, not for when everything is roses and blushing and holding hands. The vows aren't really all that critical during the good times. Honor your vows during the hard times. The feelings will usually return. You're not always joyous or angry or annoyed, but you can count on feeling all those again in your life. Why would the feelings we associate with love be any different? Feelings are fleeting but recurring. Commitment is (supposed to be) permanent, but when it isn't, it is because one or both people have chosen to stop.

You are very wise and I am sorry for the hurt you experienced.

 

[Colleen27]

It's not about the ease or difficulty of divorce . . . or about marriage.

It's about EXPECTATIONS within the marriage. All too many people have unrealistic expectations: They expect that marriage'll be easy, they'll never have any problems that can't be resolved quickly and easily. Whether it's a conscious thought or not, too many people tend to think of their real problems like something on a sit-com or a movie, something that can be resolved in a couple hours. Or people think that if their partner doesn't make them giddy all the time, something is wrong. They don't "get" that they have to go through ups and downs, difficult patches, and they just give up as if marriage is something disposable.

Is that everyone? Of course not, but it does cover a whole lot of situations.

I agree.

Something else that I think factors in for a lot of people is that we've become a society absolutely obsessed with our children to the point of helicopter-parenting becoming almost normal. I'm not advocating disinterest, but I cannot even begin to count the number of parents (usually the women) I know who won't leave their kids with a sitter, think nothing of co-sleeping for years, spend every day running to/from various activities, etc. and basically make no time for romance or intimacy with their spouse. Good marriage doesn't work that way; you can't just ignore/neglect the relationship and keep it permanently on the back burner for years of raising kids and then expect it to be happy & healthy when the nest empties.

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

this is just my opinion. I think that many many times, divorce is the easy way out! No where in the bible does it say marraige is going to be easy, it is hard work but worth it! If I gave up after the first or 100th disagreement for that matter i would have been divorce moons ago. My nephew and his wife are married 3 years this past month and are throwing their marraige away, divorce because she said he doesn't do anything for her, he is working 100+ hours a week to keep her accustomed to the lifestyle in which she was raised. Both are bullheaded.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Yes, marriage is WAY to easy and divorce is WAY to hard (and expensive--why???).

Anyway, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who just throw in the towel at the least little thing. I actually think they are the minority because divorcing with children and assets involved is a bit harder than staying together I think.

And, no, at 40 people don't lose their minds, they get one! I am 46 years old and, at this point of my life, I've never been so sure of what I like and what I want out of life than I ever have been. I think people get in their 40s, they become secure in themselves, they often become reflective about half of their life being over and they start to reevaluate what their circumstances are. It could be that many of them have been unhappy for years with their marital situations but haven't had the means to divorce. Or the children have been too young at that point but now that they are older divorce feels more doable.

I honestly think that most people divorcing in their 40s after somewhat long marital arrangements know exactly what they are doing and are probably doing the right thing. It's those people that have been married 3 times by the time they are 30 that I wonder about.

I agree 100%. After being married so many years, and trying when your spouse doesn't, you've had about all your going to take and realize you've wasted many years and would rather not waste anymore. Unfortunately, getting divorced is entirely too expensive and so much trouble. It should be as easy as getting married.

 

[Planogirl]

I sympathize greatly with anyone who was blindsided by a divorce and just had no idea that the other person was unhappy. The divorce should still proceed IMO though because just one unhappy person in a marriage is enough to ruin it. You can try for counseling and maybe it will help but that other person who wants out probably will still want out when it's all said and done.

I think that counseling is really only useful when things are wrong and BOTH parties want to try. Otherwise, it's just spitting into the wind.

 

[Colleen27]

I feel like people my age (early 20's) go into marriage too quick. Saying this makes me a hipocrit of sorts because I'm married. But I didn't go into it thinking things are going to be peachy all the time, and we lived together for four years before actually marrying. I know we may run into financial troubles, lose that "feeling" and any other number of things, but that is what I agreed to. Someday, we may get divorced, and I would hope it wouldn't be without a fight. But I think most people my age think everything is going to be great and that the biggest problem is going to be what to have for dinner.dssa

The problem with marrying young is that at that stage in life many (not all) people are thinking only about feelings and not about the practical things that make a marriage work. I had a near-miss with someone that I really did love, but we didn't see eye-to-eye on certain major life choices at all, particularly about children. At the time, (at 18 & 20) we both had a "love conquers all" attitude about it, but life doesn't work that way and eventually one of us would have come to resent the other. We're both in our 30s now and on very different paths; he still doesn't want kids (and is, sadly, on the verge of divorce because his wife married him thinking he'd "come around" on the subject), and I'm a married SAHM to 3.

 

[Sorsha]

IMHO... NO ONE ever has any right to tell me:

1) Who I can marry. Regardless of race, gender, age (beyond the age of consent, of course) or any other determining factor, its my business.
2) That I MUST marry. If I decide to enter into a "domestic partnership", "live together", or just plain "shack up", its my business.
BUT MOST OF ALL
3) That once I have entered into a relationship, I have to stay there.

It always floors me how society in general thinks it's any of anyone else's business what happens within MY marriage/relationships. Regardless of the reason - infidelity, abuse, or just plain old we-have-grown-apart-and-I don't-love-you-anymore - NO ONE should ever be forced to stay in a marriage they don't want to be in.

Divorce is hard. Hard to get, hard to get through, and hard to deal with afterwards. But if I have made the decision that I want to dissolve my marriage and deal with the consequences, then it is absolutely no one else's business, and no one has the right to judge. I love Jennasis's "grass" analogy - maybe the grass IS greener, maybe it isn't, but if your grass is totally wasted, burned out, gone, ANY grass will be better. And maybe you don't want any grass at all! Personal choice, no one else's business.

And yes, I have never been divorced. Never even considered it. Married 17 years this summer, very happy. My DH was married once before me; horrible, imploding, mess of a failed 9-month marriage. I witnessed that one, it was ugly. My mom was married and divorced twice by the time I was 8. She taught me three very important things: If everyone else says he is a bum, he probably is a bum, you just aren't looking at things clearly, and Stand up for yourself, no matter what anyone says, your life - your choice, and There are far far worse things than being divorced and alone. If anything ever changed in our relationship; if he cheated, or was abusive, if the trust and respect and love were to be gone, I would walk away, in a heartbeat. It would break my heart, but I have too much self-respect to stay in a bad situation.

 

[jodifla]

I agree.

Something else that I think factors in for a lot of people is that we've become a society absolutely obsessed with our children to the point of helicopter-parenting becoming almost normal. I'm not advocating disinterest, but I cannot even begin to count the number of parents (usually the women) I know who won't leave their kids with a sitter, think nothing of co-sleeping for years, spend every day running to/from various activities, etc. and basically make no time for romance or intimacy with their spouse. Good marriage doesn't work that way; you can't just ignore/neglect the relationship and keep it permanently on the back burner for years of raising kids and then expect it to be happy & healthy when the nest empties.

Boy, I have seen a lot of this! It's so true.

 

[Mermaid02]

When I say the grass isn't greener I mean all couples have problems. Let's say a man starts talking to someone online- she's perfect! She makes him feel all giddy and happy. His wife is always tired from taking care of their young child- they seem to argue about bills when they talk but Internet Honey is so sympathetic, she knows how hard he works and she would really appreciate him.

In reality the woman on the internet spends too much money and her house is a mess.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I agree.

Something else that I think factors in for a lot of people is that we've become a society absolutely obsessed with our children to the point of helicopter-parenting becoming almost normal. I'm not advocating disinterest, but I cannot even begin to count the number of parents (usually the women) I know who won't leave their kids with a sitter, think nothing of co-sleeping for years, spend every day running to/from various activities, etc. and basically make no time for romance or intimacy with their spouse. Good marriage doesn't work that way; you can't just ignore/neglect the relationship and keep it permanently on the back burner for years of raising kids and then expect it to be happy & healthy when the nest empties.

I disagree with this. Why is it always the woman who is the problem person? Why is it that she's supposed to be able to be all things to all people? Why does she have to be the doting mother, the housekeeper, the chauffeur, the cook (sometimes a breadwinner) and still keep her man happy with appearance and in the bedroom, while a man's only duty seems to be to work?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

We have become a self-centered society in which we believe that we are all deserving of "happiness". Frankly, most people will never be happy. Sure, some migh find a short-termed respite from their self-proclaimed dull existence in another person or hobby, but happiness comes from within.

Is divorce too easy? Not sure, but marriage itself has become meaningless for most. It is no longer "sacred". And don't get me started on the ability of people in our society to keep their word. You make wedding vows and later walk away because you are not happy? Ever hear of the word integrity? People with integrity do not break vows, right?

 

[Sorsha]

We have become a self-centered society in which we believe that we are all deserving of "happiness". Frankly, most people will never be happy. Sure, some migh find a short-termed respite from their self-proclaimed dull existence in another person or hobby, but happiness comes from within.

Must respectfully disagree here. I cannot believe that most people will never be happy - what a dreary, dull existance that would be.

I believe that it is my number one responsibility, both to myself, and to those around me, to be as happy as I can be AND to try to help those around me be as happy as they can be. I am only going to go through this life once, and I want it to be the best it can be. To me, that means, if something in my life is toxic to my happiness, I cut it loose.

Yes, happiness comes from within, but I do not believe we have the ability to find that happiness if it is drowning in misery from a toxic existance.