Is it too easy to get divorced?

[Jennasis]

You obviously don't understand how much pain a person goes through at the end of their marriage to consider it "such nonsense" I don't know anyone who ended their marriage casually.
And to be honest, I wouldn't want a person to stay married to me only out of a sense of duty. THAT to me would devalue the meaning of marriage.
Seriously, would you want your partner to remain with you, only because they felt they had to????

Au contraire. I'm no psychic, but I'd venture to say Bama HAS been through the ringer with divorce already. He sounds very angry.

I take it the divorce wasn't your idea Bamafan?

 

[Mermaid02]

You obviously don't understand how much pain a person goes through at the end of their marriage to consider it "such nonsense" I don't know anyone who ended their marriage casually.
And to be honest, I wouldn't want a person to stay married to me only out of a sense of duty. THAT to me would devalue the meaning of marriage.
Seriously, would you want your partner to remain with you, only because they felt they had to????

I would want my partner to take some time and explore their feelings before they just called it quits. I would want him to think about why we got married in the first place, our history, our family, the life we built together. I would want him to think about that long and hard and share feelings with me- talk about what's going wrong and what's going right before he moved out and hooked up with the first thing that walked by and made his pulse race.

 

[tasha99]

Having integrity means keeping your word all the time, every time - not just when it is easy or convenient. That was my point. The vows are no longer considered to be a life long commitment, so marriage itself has been devalued. Wedding vows are now considered to be a commitment "until that commitment is no longer comfortable or convenient or some such nonsense".

What if you loaned me money, and I promised to pay you back "unless I decide not to". Wouldn't get many takers for those terms, would we?

Traditional marriage vows are archaic; even if I ever married again (which I wouldn't), I would never say those. I wouldn't want anyone to make them to me, either, because a life with me should not be a prison sentence.

 

[Disney Doll]

So everyone on the DIS who got divorced did it with much sadness and soul-searching and because of horrific living conditions with rotten abusive &/or cheating spouses. All very good reasons to get divorced and I'm not thinking you'd all get too many people to argue with you.

However, I have heard many of my acquaintances (co-workers, neighbors etc.) make very light of their divorce, so i truly don't think every single divorced person feels it is the emotionally horrifying experience that you all describe. I think some people truly do look at it like it's dating and if it doesn't work for you, for minor reasons, not major ones, then you just break up...oh well...that's life. I have heard of people who have been divorced and said "I'm sorry that happened" and they have replied "no big deal". A 20 year marriage and it's NO BIG DEAL when it ends???? So I guess ALL the people I know who have responded in this way are lying and are really dying inside?? I don't think so. I think to some people marriage really is no big deal, so the ending of it is also no big deal. I also think there are people who don't learn any lessons from the things that happen to them in their life, so they make the same mistake over and over and over....like marrying the wrong kind of person for them.

I agree wirth mermaid2 that in the case of the "mid-life crisis" thing, I do think some consideration should be given to what she describes. I think mid-life people get stupid...both men and women. And I can say that, because I am one of them. Andf I've watched a lot of my friends get REALLY stupid.

 

[Jennasis]

I would want my partner to take some time and explore their feelings before they just called it quits. I would want him to think about why we got married in the first place, our history, our family, the life we built together. I would want him to think about that long and hard and share feelings with me- talk about what's going wrong and what's going right before he moved out and hooked up with the first thing that walked by and made his pulse race.

Agreed. I can't imagine anyone would feel differently. But at the end of the day, if the spouse just couldn't stand the sight of you anymore, or just decided you were a mistake, would you want that person to stay with you because he made a vow to?

Not me.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Au contraire. I'm no psychic, but I'd venture to say Bama HAS been through the ringer with divorce already. He sounds very angry.

I take it the divorce wasn't your idea Bamafan?

Very close to the mark, but I was never angry - just very, very disappointed. 20 years with my wife has me well past it, but that sort of betrayal leaves scars.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Traditional marriage vows are archaic; even if I ever married again (which I wouldn't), I would never say those. I wouldn't want anyone to make them to me, either, because a life with me should not be a prison sentence.

This is one approach, but it changes marriage itself, doesn't it? Why bother to get married if there is no lifelong commitment?

 

[Jennasis]

Very close to the mark, but I was never angry - just very, very disappointed. 20 years with my wife has me well past it, but that sort of betrayal leaves scars.

I'm so sorry. I could feel your hurt right through my screen.

 

[Jennasis]

We all need to remember too, that every situation is different. There is no blanket answer or remedy. Divorce is a painful thing for everyone involved, and usually more painful for one spouse than the other. Those of us who have been through it wouldn't wish it on anyone (including ourselves). Those who haven't...well you have no business commenting on the subject. Period.

There I said it.

 

[Motherofboys]

Agreed. I can't imagine anyone would feel differently. But at the end of the day, if the spouse just couldn't stand the sight of you anymore, or just decided you were a mistake, would you want that person to stay with you because he made a vow to?

Not me.

When a man and a woman marry they are forming a new family, families stay together and love each other....even when you are sick of each other, can't stand the sight of each other, think the relationship may have been a mistake, etc. That's what families do, families are supposed to be forever.

It sucks when that doesn't work out for everyone involved, especially when it is because one partner has become bored, wants a new life, wants the party life, etc. Just ask my dad, or my MIL, or my FIL, or countless other people that I can think of who think that their selfish needs trump all others involved.

And society does have an interest in promoting lasting marriages and happy families, families are the building blocks of society. That is why the entire field of family law exists. I get confused that everyone thinks "why should anyone care about my choices"?? Because everyone's choices have an effect on society as whole.

 

[AlleyKat]

We all need to remember too, that every situation is different. There is no blanket answer or remedy. Divorce is a painful thing for everyone involved, and usually more painful for one spouse than the other. Those of us who have been through it wouldn't wish it on anyone (including ourselves). Those who haven't...well you have no business commenting on the subject. Period.

There I said it.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I think that most who have been through a divorce would agree that it's NOT easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know anyone who did it on a whim.

It is pretty easy to look at a situation from the outside and decide that the people involved aren't doing what they should, though. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

ITA!

 

[sbell111]

We all need to remember too, that every situation is different. There is no blanket answer or remedy. Divorce is a painful thing for everyone involved, and usually more painful for one spouse than the other. Those of us who have been through it wouldn't wish it on anyone (including ourselves). Those who haven't...well you have no business commenting on the subject. Period.

There I said it.

If you haven't had a divorce, then you aren't allowed to have an opinion on the concept of divorce? wow.

I'll likely never have a divorce because I take my vows seriously, as does my wife. However, I have experienced divorce. It is often the easy way out.

 

[tasha99]

This is one approach, but it changes marriage itself, doesn't it? Why bother to get married if there is no lifelong commitment?

Maybe for insurance, or maybe if I loved someone who thought it was really important, but for the most part, I wouldn't bother. Marriage serves no purpose for me since I've had my kids and I'm not religious.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

If you haven't had a divorce, then you aren't allowed to have an opinion on the concept of divorce? wow.

I'll likely never have a divorce because I take my vows seriously, as does my wife. However, I have experienced divorce. It is often the easy way out.

Not everyone does, so what then? Stay because of some sense of obligation? Stay because there is some obligation to society as a whole? But no obligation to one's self? The true sign of growth is learning from mistakes and moving on, not perpetuating the mistake by continually living it.

 

[bettymae1121]

When a man and a woman marry they are forming a new family, families stay together and love each other....even when you are sick of each other, can't stand the sight of each other, think the relationship may have been a mistake, etc. That's what families do, families are supposed to be forever.

It sucks when that doesn't work out for everyone involved, especially when it is because one partner has become bored, wants a new life, wants the party life, etc. Just ask my dad, or my MIL, or my FIL, or countless other people that I can think of who think that their selfish needs trump all others involved.

And society does have an interest in promoting lasting marriages and happy families, families are the building blocks of society. That is why the entire field of family law exists. I get confused that everyone thinks "why should anyone care about my choices"?? Because everyone's choices have an effect on society as whole.

It seems to me your saying once your married that's it. Short of abuse two people are stuck for life, even if it turns out they aren't suited for each other anymore. Yes, divorce affects children, but you're going to get negative effects from people that stick it out and are misserable too. I'd by far rather have divorced happy parents than married unhappy parents. My parents did stay married, but I love them both enough to want them happy, even if that didn't turn out to be with each other. I would have rather just seen my dad on summers and weekends then live with hot arguements and cold silences every day. I'd have rather gotten used to a step dad then see my mother sad and lonely because Dad rather go out most night with his buddies than deal with the wife he doesn't love. I'm not saying it would have been easy, but I witnessed what some of my friends went through prior to their parents spliting and they were happier by far once "it was over". They knew where they stood and they knew what to expect for the most part, and they didn't have to walk on eggshells at home anymore.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating "I'm unhappy, screw it I'm done" either. I do want people to think long and hard about it before going forward. When possible attempts at saving the marriage need to be taken, often therapy and open and honest talks can turn things around. But it can't always be saved, and when it can't, it's best to end it and move on.

Now, how the divorce is handled is a totally different matter. No matter the reason for the break-up, both adults need to ACT like adults and be reasonable and fair in the division of property and child custody. There is NO excuse for bad behavior in that arena. No fights in front of the kids, no bad mouthing the other parent in front of the kids, no power plays involving the kids and for sure don't try to use the kids against each other. And whatever child support and visitation that is set up needs to be honored.

I wonder how many here have negative feelings about divorce in general because of their own experiance with how the actual divorce was handled, either their own or their parents? If it was a knock-out-drag-out fight from beging to long after it was official? If the person that left the marriage also left the kids and started a new family, and never looked behind? It wasn't that the marriage ended so much as it was how it all played out over the years. New children doted on while the kids from the last marriage were ignored. They could afford a new car and great vacations but were behind on the support payments? They paid for their new family's college but couldn't help you buy your senior year book? That could make anyone bitter, and make anyone prefer people stick it out for the kids.

 

[NMAmy]

However, I have heard many of my acquaintances (co-workers, neighbors etc.) make very light of their divorce, so i truly don't think every single divorced person feels it is the emotionally horrifying experience that you all describe. I think some people truly do look at it like it's dating and if it doesn't work for you, for minor reasons, not major ones, then you just break up...oh well...that's life. I have heard of people who have been divorced and said "I'm sorry that happened" and they have replied "no big deal". A 20 year marriage and it's NO BIG DEAL when it ends???? So I guess ALL the people I know who have responded in this way are lying and are really dying inside??

I know when I was right in the middle of my divorce, I'd often tell people that it was fine, everything was okay, mainly because I didn't feel like going into all that crap 20 times a day. I wasn't obligated to share my pain with any casual acquaintance that happened to inquire. My guess is that if someone tells you "no big deal," it's because they just really don't want to discuss it with you and they'd like a break from thinking/talking/feeling about it. Sometimes it's hardest to keep control of your emotions when someone else is offering sympathy. Because I didn't want to burst into tears at work any more than I absolutely had to, I'd tell people that I wasn't comfortable talking about it but if I needed anything, I'd let them know.

There's almost a kind of looky-lou effect with divorce. Those who are married often want to know all the gorey details in an effort to kind of unconsciously say to themselves, "Well, THAT will never happen to us because our situation is totally different."

I also think there are people who don't learn any lessons from the things that happen to them in their life, so they make the same mistake over and over and over....like marrying the wrong kind of person for them.

I do agree with you that there are some people that don't learn any lessons and continue to make the same mistake over and over.

 

[Colleen27]

It seems to me your saying once your married that's it. Short of abuse two people are stuck for life, even if it turns out they aren't suited for each other anymore. Yes, divorce affects children, but you're going to get negative effects from people that stick it out and are misserable too. I'd by far rather have divorced happy parents than married unhappy parents. My parents did stay married, but I love them both enough to want them happy, even if that didn't turn out to be with each other. I would have rather just seen my dad on summers and weekends then live with hot arguements and cold silences every day. I'd have rather gotten used to a step dad then see my mother sad and lonely because Dad rather go out most night with his buddies than deal with the wife he doesn't love. I'm not saying it would have been easy, but I witnessed what some of my friends went through prior to their parents spliting and they were happier by far once "it was over". They knew where they stood and they knew what to expect for the most part, and they didn't have to walk on eggshells at home anymore.

I think a lot of people really minimize the economic consequences of divorce and how difficult that is on the children. Yes, I too had friends who were happier once it was all over. But I also had friends who would have preferred fighting parents over the fall-out of a divorce. One in particular comes to mind; after her parents split she had to move from our middle class suburb to a much cheaper, rougher neighborhood, had to make do with second-hand clothes, couldn't afford to continue on swim team or in band, had to work in high school just to afford prom and senior pictures and college application fees, etc. Those kinds of changes are really hard on a kid, and I think in a lot of cases the kids are better off with two parents who aren't madly in love than they are living in/near poverty as is so often the case in single-parent situations.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Wanted to add one other thought about division of property, child custody, alimony and child support:

Lacking a legal justification for the divorce, the person seeking the divorce should get nothing. No property, lose custody, have to pay alimony, have to pay child support.

If legal justification exists, the person legally at fault (person who broke the vows or was abusive) should get nothing.

There should be real consequences for divorce, and they should be laid at the feet of the offender, not equally split. Want to leave your husband/wife? He/she gets the kids and the house, both cars, the bank accounts and the 401ks. You can start over if you want, but he/she doesn't have to.

 

[Tikitoi]

Marriage is just something people don't take seriously. And celebritites especially make a joke of it.