Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[Strawberry Lemonade]

I think that people need to keep themselves out of potentially dangerous situations. Whether that is getting too close to a married co-worker, or not driving through the wrong parts of town at night.

How close is "too close"? I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding, but I'm not going to tell my DH he can't eat lunch, or even be friends, with his female coworkers just in case either one might be tempted to cheat.

It may be true that people generally don't set out to have an affair, but they certainly have the ability to stop it if things start to get out of control. If by chance one of the females at DH's office came on to him, I trust that DH wouldn't act on it. Also, that would be one of the few times I'd tell DH he couldn't see her anymore. But I'm definitely not going to curb their relationship based on what might (or might not) happen.

 

[caitycaity]

i really don't mean this as a put down, but i think i wll have to print out this thread and give it to dh. he always thinks i'm way off the deep end of overpossessive-ness. maybe this thread will show him how much worse i could be.

 

[m&m's mom]

I say definitely OK for me or my DH to have lunch w/ a person of the opposite sex.
I am sure I will get MAJOR flack for this but I wonder if couples who are both working professionals have a different percentage of saying OK to lunch w/ opposite sex.
MY DH and I both work in corporate world. I am in an office setting and DH works at home and on site frequently at clients.
We have interaction w/ the opposite sex a lot. We both have taken business trips w/ opposite sex, lunch etc.
I cannot imagine telling my boss I cannot take a client out to lunch because my DH doesn't want me to. It is totally unprofessional to take a persons sex into consideration in a business environment.

 

[snoopy]

Hmmmm, interesting comment Caity. I don't think I have ever been accused of being overpossessive, not once in the 18 years I have been married. I never question my husband about where he is going or what he is doing, nor am I concerned that he will have an affair. But I definately expect him to uphold the boundries we have set forth in our marriage, and I know he feels the same way.

I suppose what constitutes a person being possesive would be in the eye of the beholder though.

 

[caitycaity]

I cannot imagine telling my boss I cannot take a client out to lunch because my DH doesn't want me to. It is totally unprofessional to take a persons sex into consideration in a business environment.

that's what i was thinking too, but i wasn't going to say it. if i said i couldn't do my job (part of which is meeting with clients, most of whom are men), i would be fired.

i guess i'm just really shocked at how big a deal this is to some people. i can't imagine having a relationship like that, but to each his/her own, i guess.

 

[caitycaity]

But I definately expect him to uphold the boundries we have set forth in our marriage, and I know he feels the same way.

and i think *that* is the most important thing in any relationship. different people just have different boundaries. as long as both people are on the same page, who cares what the boundaries are.

 

[missypie]

You are hitting the nail on the head with why this thread is bothersome to me. I support a family of 5. My DH is a SAHD. My compensation depends, to a large degree, on the amount of business I bring in the door.

All the consultants constantly tell us that new business comes through the development of personal relationships. The guys spend long hours together playing golf, entertaining clients at the suite in the arena, etc. I already don't ask male clients or prospects to many social events because it feels weird even to me (esp. single men). So now several of you are saying that you wouldn't be comfortable with me taking your husband to lunch, either. I guess in your ideal world, your husband would have only male lawyers. Should I only try to attract female clients? Someday maybe half the CEOs will be women, but we're not there yet. Am I to be resigned to receiving lower pay because of my gender?

If a male client or prospect consistently turns down my lunch offers, I guess maybe now I'll think that it's gender related. I wish those guys would be up front about it. I do have one Jordanian client who won't see me without his wife...I'm cool with that because he's honest about it.

 

[snoopy]

Oy.

I think most of us who have spoken up on this thread as having objections are not talking about business dealings. Nor the occasional lunch. We're talking about establishing an outside relationship that is beyond the boundries that have been set forth between husband and wife.

With that, I think I am done with this and I'm going to get me some lunch. Alone, as it turns out, since its almost 3pm!

 

[MScott1851]

I think that a lot of the different views have to do with age and upbringing. I feel like my husband and I were raised in a time that it was acceptable for boys and girls to play together and be friends instead of having the gender lines so well-defined.

My husband works at a television station. One of the female producers has been friends with us since we were in college, and yes, they eat lunch together frequently. He has to go out of town with reporters on stories at least two to three times per year. Lots of these reporters are female, and might I add, very beautiful. And you know what? I could care less. I know all these women. I'm glad that he enjoys his job. He gives me no reason to doubt him, and I don't call to "check up" on him. It's usually HIM calling me fifteen times a day because he would rather talk to me than them. And my best friend is a man, albeit a gay one. But I have male co-workers that I am quite close to, as well...we're ALL friends. They know I'm married, I know they're married, and that is the end of that discussion. If I ever felt like someone was disrespecting my marriage or my husband, that would be the end of that friendship.

But my mother freaks OUT! She's always saying, "I wouldn't like that, him working with all those women." She is still so jealous of every woman my dad comes in contact with, and they've been married 38 years! I think that is absolutely ridiculous. I'm so glad that I didn't turn out that way.

Unfounded jealousy and petty insecurities will ruin a relationship, AND FAST. Just ask one of my friends who got divorced last month over an affair his wife DIDN'T have. But he badgered her and hounded her over every insignificant detail until she up and left. For good.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Did you just call me OLD?!!

 

[aprilgail2]

Originally posted by missypie
Wow! During the last 6 months, two different men, in the course of negotiating business deals, have told me that they were going to be out of the office to go get "fixed." I sure am glad I didn't call to ask how it went!

It upsets me that there are wives out there who are bothered by the bonding of co-workers. Maybe we haven't come so far in the last 30 years!

Wow you are not kidding..we had a couple people get snipped and we always call and find out how they are doing...I can't believe someone would get upset over that! My co-workers are my firends, male and female....we see each other on weekends as well as during the week...the weekend get togethers include spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends though...I can't imagine anyone getting upset about a lunch.....a lunch in a hotel well, thats another whole story but a simple lunch..sheeshhh....I have been having lunch at least once a week with a co worker for the past sixteen years, through one marraige, a girlfriend and now a live in girlfriend and a new baby! We NEVER EVER were more than friends at lunch, we talk to each other about things and that is that...it IS possible to have friends of the opposite sex without sleeping with them! In fact his new girlfriend would call me after some of his court appearances to tell me how he made out that day in court (he was in a custody fight), I am also going away for a long weekend with his girlfriend and baby for a trip to PA!..I am sure glad that not everyone is threatened by their husbands co workers or I would not have the great friends that I have!

 

[zagafi]

Let's see...dh's sergeant is female, and I'm the only woman in our technology department. If this were a problem, we'd rarely eat lunch with coworkers!

Seriously, if there is trust in the relationship I don't see an issue. We've been married 14 years and dh has a job that requires him to travel fairly frequently. If I couldn't trust him to have lunch, how on earth could our marriage survive his travel?

 

[disney4us2002]

Okay, the vasectomy thing.... it's sometimes difficult to post on these boards because I know all the info relative but I forget others don't. My hubby just doesn't discuss personal issues. We've been married for 17 years and the man still locks the bathroom door when he is in there for ANY reason. He took vacation time for the V because to take planned sick leave meant explaining why he wanted time off. He has not ever told his parents or anyone about the V and really wouldn't even discuss the procedure with me (I waited in the doctor's lobby to drive him home) so for him to have discussed this with his 'carpool friend' was a bit of a shock. Believe me when I say that dh just doesn't discuss personal matters like that and yes I probably was overreacting a bit but I am still glad I discussed my feelings with the woman.

 

[meandtheguys2]

MS, I answered with silliness earlier, but in thinking about it you may have a point re. generational issues, but I suggest they are for a different reason. I think many of us have seen way too many marriages break up. I have held friends while they sobbed because one of them had an affair. I have watched kids during court proceedings, and I have had to testify. This was not for work, this is with people who we partied and played with, whose kids have been raised with mine. We never thought these people (at least not many) would be divorced. My husband knows that the co-worker who is currently divorcing is at emotional risk for latching on to someone. Thus rather than take the risk that it would be him, he handed her over to me. We are team players!

So what I think that some people are missing is a realistic view. It is not just other people who have affairs.

BTW, I have not seen anyone say it is never appropriate for a spouce to lunch with a co worker of the opposite gender. I have heard a lot of talk about habitual involvment outside the home. I am thankful that I am my DH's best friend, and will continue to be.

Also, if you are blessed with not having to deal with this with the people you love, or in your own relationship be truly grateful.

 

[Gellust]

i really don't mean this as a put down, but i think i wll have to print out this thread and give it to dh. he always thinks i'm way off the deep end of overpossessive-ness. maybe this thread will show him how much worse i could be.

You are perfectly human

 

[NHdisneylover]

You are perfectly human

Hello and Welcome to the DIS. I'm not sure what you might have been googling to pull up a 13 year old thread---but for future reference it is generally a good idea to check when a thread was last posted on before randomly replying to someone in it.

 

[NFLDERS]

Hello and Welcome to the DIS. I'm not sure what you might have been googling to pull up a 13 year old thread---but for future reference it is generally a good idea to check when a thread was last posted on before randomly replying to someone in it.

Still love your new hat Hadley! Say! Our son, his wife, and our 10 yr old darling grandson are going back to Gutterslaugh for a visit in September. This will be his first old enough to remember visit. So excited for them!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Still love your new hat Hadley! Say! Our son, his wife, and our 10 yr old darling grandson are going back to Gutterslaugh for a visit in September. This will be his first old enough to remember visit. So excited for them!

Thanks! The weather should be really nice in September--I hope they have a great time.

 

[NFLDERS]

Thanks! The weather should be really nice in September--I hope they have a great time.

Her brother is getting married, she is the eldest of four with 2 sisters as well. I'd hoped Dh & I would be joining them this trip it would be our first time in Germany. Unfortunately, my changes in Meds (Insurance stability) not allowing it... sigh!

 

[kimblebee]

Old thread but I'll play along..

I would have absolutely no problem if my husband chose to eat with females at his job. Young, old, pretty, ugly, wouldn't make a difference to me. I know my husband feels the same way about me eating with males.

Heck, his best friend is a girl and my best friend is a guy (outside of each other).

I have been friends with mine for over 20 years and there has never been a sideways glance or an inkling to fool around (eeewweww).