There are things that I feel obligated to teach my child as his mother. Here’s a list of a few:
1. How to blow his nose.
I work in the school system…and trust Jen. There is nothing worse than tryin’ to do oral motor exercises on a kid whose nose is pouring snot. You’d be AMAZED at how many children can’t blow their own noses. Listen…I don’t like my own kid’s boogers. Much less yours. Teach your dang child how to rid their body of slimy snot.
2. The “Puppy Dog Eyes.”
Ya’ll know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. You need gramma to watch the chilluns so that you can escape and actually talk to an adult for once. But…Gramma already feels taken advantage of because your brother leaves his kid with her all the time. So, you teach your own child the “puppy dog eyes” and send him in to ask if he can spend the night at her house…because he “loves her soooooo much.” You teach him to bat those big brown eyes while simultaneously protruding his bottom lip and making little whimpering noises. Gramma never had a chance.
3. How to wipe his butt.
No explanation needed.
4. Love, peace, and kindness…blah blah blah.
5. How to hold onto your shirt so that you can navigate WDW through throngs of wet, stinky, smelly strangers while still maintaining your family unit.
Those are my top five or so.
What I did not teach my child…and this is atrocious…is that when a Dream Team Member walks into your space…you shall snap to attention and engage in a delightful conversation in such a way that the Dream Team Member will be obliged to shower you with some wonderful gifts…preferably a stay in Cinderella’s Castle…or a free DVC membership.
Darn it. Thought I had everything covered as far as teaching the boy life lessons.
So, on this day…we were patiently waiting for Jen’s #3 parade to begin…at AK…the Jammin’ Jungle Parade. This is #3 behind Spectro, and the Jingle Jammin’ Jungle Parade…because it snows in AK in Christmas…and Jen loves that.
Anywho…we’re patiently waiting…
And all of a sudden…a real-live Dream Team Member crouches down in front of the kidlets…Jon and Lexie.
I about fell over. I felt faint...but Jen needed to snap back to reality and listen up.
Yessirree…we were winning a dream. And it was going to be good.
DTM: (to Jon) What does a pirate say?
Jon: *cue crickets chirping*
DTM: Come on buddy. Do you know what a pirate says?
Jon: *shakes his head without uttering a word*
DTM: I’ll give you a hint…it’s a letter of the alphabet.
Me: Jon…tell the man what a pirate says. (I hissper to him…”TELL HIM.”)
DTM: Hey buddy…don’t you wanna answer? What does a pirate say?
Jon: *shakes his head and refuses to speak*
Me: *mouth agape…trying not to let my lip tremble and begin to cry as DTM moves on to Lexie…and away from Jon*
DTM: (to Lexie) What does a pirate say?
Lexie: (very proud of herself) “Arrrrrrrrgh!*
And boy did that girl put some ummph behind her “Arrrrrrgh!”
The DTM bestowed some pirate treasure (gold pirate coins) upon my girl Lexie…of which I can’t currently locate since our move. But, her pirate treasure will appropriately be pasted into her Disney scrapbook…to be made by me…as soon as I recover from the shock of this day.
And all of a sudden…dear, sweet, DTM moved away and through the crowd. Disappearing through the crowd like a piece of pork on the motha’s plate.
I looked down at Jon…baffled. Why would he possibly do that?
No…it wasn’t the biggest or the best dream. But, he clammed shut like a…like a…well, like a clam. And he lost me…I mean him…his dream.
I said only what I could say:
“Jonathon…when a dream team member walks up to you…you talk to him. They give away free stuff…and you just lost momma…I mean you…a dream of a lifetime. You’re grounded for 3 years until you learn to shape up and act like a real-live human being who loves winning things. Haven’t I taught you anything? You’re a disappointment son…I thought I’d done better.”
I didn’t say that...of course. But, I did explain the inner-workings of the Dream Team…what they do…and how we must ALWAYS…yes ALWAYS speak to them. Because we never know what pot of gold will be lying at the end of this rainbow.
You would’ve thought he would have remembered last trip…when we won 4 DREAMS. But, no…he chose this moment to pull his prenager “I’m too cool for school” crap.
And…I feel responsible. I have officially resigned my Disney Mom of the Year Award. Otherwise known as DMYA. Because I failed in this department.
I guess at least Lexie won her some pirate booty. No thanks to me…just thanks to her winning personality.
The parade was beginning…and I sat back to half-way enjoy it…after what I will affectionately refer to as…”The Nightmare.”
The #1 Parade Attraction
And again…#1…
The handlers came by before this next guy walked up. They said it was his birthday...and asked us all to wish him a “Happy Birthday.” When he walked up…all of us yelled. And he told us all…that he was 50 YEARS OLD. And he’s been in parades for over 25 years.
So, here’s to 50…and still kickin’…on stilts…
Continued in Next Post Right HERE!