Is everything about the gifts??

[Ember]

I was forced to examine my own heart this season with regards to gifts. There simply wasn't a lot of excess money this holiday and both DH and I had to cut back pretty drastically on gift giving. I found that the thing that worried me most was that people would feel we were being cheap or taking advantage of them... So I made a real effort to spread the word, as it were, that we couldn't afford much so that people could reciprocate with a smaller gift if that was their choice.

This really hit home when one couple we're friendly with told us if we couldn't meet the $50 secret Santa each, maybe we might consider not coming to their party. Ouch. It was said very lovingly, they wouldn't want to put us in financial stress. But couldn't we have gone and enjoyed the company and just sat out the gift giving?

 

[Bluestars]

If you let people know you are having a tough time financially and won't be spending a lot on gifts, people who care about you should respect that. If it bothers some people, then those people don't really care about you, they care about the gifts. It's a good way to weed out the greedy, selfish people.

Ember, it sounds like the gift giving was a huge part of the party in the mind of the hostess. I think she was extremely rude to suggest you not come to the party. I can't imagine ever saying that to anyone.

I think gift giving gets out of hand anyway. I come from a very large family. Luckily, we have all agreed to spend money on our own families and just exchange Christmas cards with everyone else. It works well for us.

 

[VickiVM]

These can't be close friends. How incredibly rude!

Our close circle of friends which inlcude 5 couples and and all of our kids, all know of our situation with my husband losing his job earlier this year. We've always done a White Elephant gift exchange - sometimes with couples only at our annual "Fan-damily Christmas Party" or inclusive with the kids as well.

This year we're opting to do a New Year's party with adults and kids and the gift exchange is totally optional - one gift per person that wants to play the game. We've begun a tradition of re-gifting that we all decided was not in the least bit offensive and actually very 'green'. And gently used gifts that someone may find value in is ok.

So really, it's not about the gift at all, but about fun we have playing the game and that's what makes it special to us. It's too bad your friends don't see it that way.

 

[glitterkittyy]

I don't know, but to me it sounds like she wanted to save you from some discomfort. If the gift giving was a big part of the gathering, there would be questions from the other attendees as to why you sat out. Maybe she was trying to keep you from being made to feel uncomfortable and/or hurt by people's intrusive questions.

 

[Ember]

I don't know, but to me it sounds like she wanted to save you from some discomfort. If the gift giving was a big part of the gathering, there would be questions from the other attendees as to why you sat out. Maybe she was trying to keep you from being made to feel uncomfortable and/or hurt by people's intrusive questions.

Maybe... I guess it just felt like we couldn't afford the price of admission to spend time with our friends, you know? But you could be right...

 

[Froggyswife]

Well of course it's all about the gift.

Most of the gifts that we SHOULD be giving every year to everyone we love should be as follows:

1: the gift of love
2: the gift of conversation
3: the gift of sharing of oneself with another
4: the gift of good fellowship
5: the gift of kindness and consideration for others.

I never put limits on gift giving at a party everyone knows who they will be giving a gift to before hand and a well thought out gift or even better a hand made gift are the ones that are a big hit not the most expensive ones. A gift given and recieved in love has no pricetag.

 

[VickiVM]

I can see how perhaps the OP is part of a social circle that does not have to cut corners and budget more carefully - OP may have had that kind of lifestyle prior to whatever circumstances has her more budget-minded now. So I guess her friend probably was trying to save her from the discomfort of judgment of others.

 

[glitterkittyy]

Maybe... I guess it just felt like we couldn't afford the price of admission to spend time with our friends, you know? But you could be right...

I'm sure it did feel that way, but this is a good friend, right? Maybe think back to how this came up. If you were talking about how money is tight and presents are a bit of a burden, your friend may have thought you were hinting about the party, and she gave you an out so you wouldn't have to ask for one. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to hurt your feelings or make it about the gift. I can definitely see how you got that message, though. I think you should call your friend and talk it out.

 

[JulyGirl]

This Christmas, I was burnt out on gift giving. Many of my friends and family members are so strapped for money right now. I just flat out told them that I would not be exchanging gifts and we should only buy for the kids in the family. Honestly, most of the gifts I receive end up as clutter. I appreciate the thought, but just keeping company with people is gift enough. So, you would have gladly been welcomed at my place without spending $50. That was pretty rude of your friend.

 

[Ember]

I can see how perhaps the OP is part of a social circle that does not have to cut corners and budget more carefully - OP may have had that kind of lifestyle prior to whatever circumstances has her more budget-minded now. So I guess her friend probably was trying to save her from the discomfort of judgment of others.

Nope! We're all in our late 20's, getting our first "real jobs," buying our first homes, etc. DH and I are just a little behind the rest. He's finishing up his PhD, which means we're basically single income at the point (he has some funding, but he's in no danger of being over paid! lol). Our other friends are both working, have a lovely new home... We'll get there eventually, too.

I think it's more of an enjoyment of this new lifestyle. Even a few years ago we were all starving students. If I ever get to be one of these people who doesn't have to cut corners and budget carefully I'll let you know,though.

 

[doxdogy]

I agree with other posters. Your so called friends were extremely rude. To me it is not about the gifts. It is spending time with loved ones and friends that we hold dear to our hearts. I could never imagine telling someone, that if you can't do the gift exchange, then don't come.

 

[LVSWL]

We have a long time friend that we exchange gifts with each year. He is always very generous with us and with our two boys. The gift giving has gotten more and more expensive though each year, which has become in our minds rather out of control. I guess that we always feel that since he( a single guy) is buying for our four person family, and buying several nice presents per person, that we really need to do quite a bit for him in return. It has gradually become more and more over the years, kind of started when we first asked him to join us for Christmas dinner more than 15 years ago because he doesn't have any family locally and snowballed into quite a big deal now. It isn't that we(especially the boys) don't love the gifts, it just has become a bit much, and with the economy and one kid getting ready for college, we asked this year could we just get together for a meal and time together and not exchange gifts. I only exchange with one bff outside of our immediate family. He now wants to get together to "do Christmas and have a meal and give the boys their gifts" and my DH is making noise about getting a gift cert. at the wine store and I can see it starting all over again. Don't get me wrong, he's a great friend, but we have lots of friends and family that we don't exchange with and there have been years that we have spent more on our friend than on one of our DS. I just would like for it to be toned down a bit, but don't want any hurt feelings.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[Disney Doll]

I was forced to examine my own heart this season with regards to gifts. There simply wasn't a lot of excess money this holiday and both DH and I had to cut back pretty drastically on gift giving. I found that the thing that worried me most was that people would feel we were being cheap or taking advantage of them... So I made a real effort to spread the word, as it were, that we couldn't afford much so that people could reciprocate with a smaller gift if that was their choice.

This really hit home when one couple we're friendly with told us if we couldn't meet the $50 secret Santa each, maybe we might consider not coming to their party. Ouch. It was said very lovingly, they wouldn't want to put us in financial stress. But couldn't we have gone and enjoyed the company and just sat out the gift giving?

I would probably not be "friendly" with that couple any more. They don't sound like the type of people I would want to associate with.

 

[luvsJack]

If I knew that one of my friends was having financial issues and I was having a holiday party, I would have lowered the amount of the gift (personally, I think $50 for a secret Santa exchange is a bit much anyway) or suggested to my friend that they not worry about it and let myself be the one without a gift or maybe purchasing an extra gift and putting it under the tree in my friend's name. Anything but suggesting my friend not attend my party!!

Regardless of anyone's financial situation, the focus of any party should be getting together and having fun with friends not exchanging gifts. Sounds like this hostess needs to get her priorities straight.

 

[Stacerita]

I think they were very rude to suggest you not come to the party if you can't afford the gift. A real friend would have said for you to come anyway and enjoy the party.

 

[C.Ann]

If I knew that one of my friends was having financial issues and I was having a holiday party, I would have lowered the amount of the gift (personally, I think $50 for a secret Santa exchange is a bit much anyway) or suggested to my friend that they not worry about it and let myself be the one without a gift or maybe purchasing an extra gift and putting it under the tree in my friend's name. Anything but suggesting my friend not attend my party!!

Regardless of anyone's financial situation, the focus of any party should be getting together and having fun with friends not exchanging gifts. Sounds like this hostess needs to get her priorities straight.

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I agree.. It was a very rude way of handling a situation that "could" have been handled in a much nicer manner - such as some of the suggestions above..

I could not be friends with a person that puts that much emphasis on money/gifts..