Inviting people to stuff....my pet peeves....

[mjkacmom]

When I'm in a situation like that, I say something like "I do plan on coming, but there's a chance something may come up that I can't get out of."

Maybe I should email her - she's a close friend from college who I see about once or twice a year.

 

[tlbwriter]

Maybe I should email her - she's a close friend from college who I see about once or twice a year.

She might appreciate it. Otherwise, people sometimes suspect you're waiting to see if you get a better offer.

 

[Pugsley]

May I vent about the situation that is currently ticking me off? It is one week until Thanksgiving and I have no idea how many people I'll have. I have to do (and buy) EVERYTHING and all they have to do is show up. These are my stepchildren and they are all adults. Actually, they will tell me that THEY are coming, but can't ever seem to tell me who they are bringing with them (I usually end up with at least one boyfriend and usually a few of his family members). Really? You can't decide what you're doing for Thanksgiving a week ahead of time? I guess they have no understanding of little things like needing to know how many people you are buying food for or how many places to set at the table(s). So I have to buy for the maximum. One of them WAS kind enough to tell me she is bringing a friend whom we've never met and, oh by the way, she's on gluten-free diet. What am I supposed to do with that little piece of information?

 

[Kat77]

May I vent about the situation that is currently ticking me off? It is one week until Thanksgiving and I have no idea how many people I'll have. I have to do (and buy) EVERYTHING and all they have to do is show up. These are my stepchildren and they are all adults. Actually, they will tell me that THEY are coming, but can't ever seem to tell me who they are bringing with them (I usually end up with at least one boyfriend and usually a few of his family members). Really? You can't decide what you're doing for Thanksgiving a week ahead of time? I guess they have no understanding of little things like needing to know how many people you are buying food for or how many places to set at the table(s). So I have to buy for the maximum. One of them WAS kind enough to tell me she is bringing a friend whom we've never met and, oh by the way, she's on gluten-free diet. What am I supposed to do with that little piece of information?

Tell her the friend is welcome to come but will need to bring a dish or two of her own incase nothing on the menu works for her medical needs.

 

[WDSearcher]

May I vent about the situation that is currently ticking me off? It is one week until Thanksgiving and I have no idea how many people I'll have. I have to do (and buy) EVERYTHING and all they have to do is show up. These are my stepchildren and they are all adults. Actually, they will tell me that THEY are coming, but can't ever seem to tell me who they are bringing with them (I usually end up with at least one boyfriend and usually a few of his family members). Really? You can't decide what you're doing for Thanksgiving a week ahead of time? I guess they have no understanding of little things like needing to know how many people you are buying food for or how many places to set at the table(s). So I have to buy for the maximum. One of them WAS kind enough to tell me she is bringing a friend whom we've never met and, oh by the way, she's on gluten-free diet. What am I supposed to do with that little piece of information?

Seriously? Grow a backbone! Pick up the phone, ask for a final count and cook for that many. If extra people show up, then the person who brought them can share THEIR food with their guests. Don't know how many places to set? Make it a buffet and tell people to sit wherever the heck they want. It's not hard.

As for the guest who eats gluten-free ... wow. Here she is, a guest in your home, but you're mad at her because she's on a gluten-free diet. Nice way to be welcoming. Would you have rather they not told you about the dietary restriction until they arrived?

What you are supposed to do with that little piece of information -- as a hostess -- is to determine which of the dishes you were already planning on are, indeed, gluten-free. And to let her know when she arrives. Just as (one would hope) you would note which dishes were nut-free if someone coming to the feast happened to be allergic. Gluten-free eating isn't always a choice; many times it's medically necessary. She's likely not choosing to eat gluten-free just to mess up your day. If you don't want to cook anything special for her, don't. She'll be fine.

And does it matter that you don't know her? Maybe she had nowhere else to go on Thanksgiving and so someone invited her along. Isn't that what the holiday is supposed to be about?

Maybe you should cancel the dinner altogether and just spend the day alone. Sounds like you may not be fun to be with by then!

 

[shortbun]

Ya, well you are wrong about #2 for me and I'd imagine many people out there. I hate making commitments to people really far in advance-several months. I feel like they are being needy or panicked about their event-exceptions, of course, weddings and vacations. If I say I'm coming, I'm coming. If you can 'live without me' don't invite me.

There are thought processes and lifestyles that do not match yours. Suprised?

 

[shortbun]

Tell her the friend is welcome to come but will need to bring a dish or two of her own incase nothing on the menu works for her medical needs.

Yes, by all means, someone with a limited diet attending a stranger's Thanksgiving meal SHOULD be making a contribution-OR the person bringing them should at the very least. Gluten free can be pretty easy as they could simply skip the stuffing, rolls and anything with breadcrumbs. Make extra mashed potatoes for sure!!

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Yes, by all means, someone with a limited diet attending a stranger's Thanksgiving meal SHOULD be making a contribution-OR the person bringing them should at the very least. Gluten free can be pretty easy as they could simply skip the stuffing, rolls and anything with breadcrumbs. Make extra mashed potatoes for sure!!

But, be careful with that. I use a little baking powder in my mashed potatoes (for fluffiness) and not all baking powders are gluten free!

 

[Tricia1972]

You need to be VERY careful with Gluten Free diets. Things like mayonnaise, salad dressing, Swanson's Broth, sandwich meats, certain brands of Turkey and all kinds of other items have gluten in them and you'd never suspect that they'd have gluten.

Tell her the friend is welcome to come but will need to bring a dish or two of her own incase nothing on the menu works for her medical needs.

I definitely agree with this.

My mom was recently diagnosed with Celiac's and does great so long as there is no cross contamination. I know that in my mom's case she'd much rather be safe than sick and sorry.

 

[Tricia1972]

Yes, by all means, someone with a limited diet attending a stranger's Thanksgiving meal SHOULD be making a contribution-OR the person bringing them should at the very least. Gluten free can be pretty easy as they could simply skip the stuffing, rolls and anything with breadcrumbs. Make extra mashed potatoes for sure!!

But, be careful with that. I use a little baking powder in my mashed potatoes (for fluffiness) and not all baking powders are gluten free!

Exactly!

Stuff like that is fine for a person who limits gluten, but it can make a person who has Celiac's VERY sick.

Maybe you can find out how allergic the friend is? That may help you in preparing something she can eat.

 

[Scurvy]

May I vent about the situation that is currently ticking me off? It is one week until Thanksgiving and I have no idea how many people I'll have. I have to do (and buy) EVERYTHING and all they have to do is show up. These are my stepchildren and they are all adults. Actually, they will tell me that THEY are coming, but can't ever seem to tell me who they are bringing with them (I usually end up with at least one boyfriend and usually a few of his family members). Really? You can't decide what you're doing for Thanksgiving a week ahead of time? I guess they have no understanding of little things like needing to know how many people you are buying food for or how many places to set at the table(s). So I have to buy for the maximum. One of them WAS kind enough to tell me she is bringing a friend whom we've never met and, oh by the way, she's on gluten-free diet. What am I supposed to do with that little piece of information?

It depends - are you actually okay with your guests inviting extra people like this? Because there's no reason they should be able to if you don't want them to. If you didn't want to include extra people, just tell her that it won't be possible for her to bring a guest and don't worry about it any more. And then tell the others the same thing - that the invitation is just for the people you specified and you won't be able to accomodate anyone extra. That's what I'd do. But if you are okay with them bringing extra people, then this new person is your guest too and as the host you need to provide food she can actually eat. You don't need to make everything gluten free, but you need to be sure there's enough gluten-free food to make up an adequate meal for her. If you are unwilling to do that, then you need to tell your guest to tell her guest that you won't be preparing food for her and if she still wants to come she'll need to pack her own meal to eat while everyone else eats your food.

Either way, you need to put your foot down from now on when you invite these people and set a specific RSVP date, and tell them they have to let you know whether they will be attending no later than that date. And if you're okay with them inviting additional people, they need to let you know the number of people they'll be bringing with them by that date as well. Let them know that you will be unable to accomodate anyone who hasn't RSVD'd in time, and stick to it.

 

[Sugardimples]

I have to disagree with the need to provide for the gluten-free eater. You didn't invite them, they show up, they eat what you have or they don't eat. You are not obliged to go beyond what you have planned.

 

[ckay87]

Ya, well you are wrong about #2 for me and I'd imagine many people out there. I hate making commitments to people really far in advance-several months. I feel like they are being needy or panicked about their event-exceptions, of course, weddings and vacations. If I say I'm coming, I'm coming. If you can 'live without me' don't invite me.

There are thought processes and lifestyles that do not match yours. Suprised?

HOOOOLY cow!!!! Well I guess you set me straight.

You kinda took my comment from #1 and applied it to #2. I'm standing by #1, but it's sort of a hard one to explain. I just have a few friends that act like everything I invite them to is such a hassle and it gets on my nerves sometimes.

Now, several folks have nicely pointed out examples of how it is sometimes difficult to make plans far in advance and....this one may surprise you.... I'm open minded enough that I do now understand it. I do think it's nice to be honest, though and to just go ahead and say, for example, "my work schedule is crazy, so I can't be sure."

My thought process = revised. Surprised???

 

[design_mom]

many people you are buying food for or how many places to set at the table(s). So I have to buy for the maximum. One of them WAS kind enough to tell me she is bringing a friend whom we've never met and, oh by the way, she's on gluten-free diet. What am I supposed to do with that little piece of information?

If someone said that to me, I would probably tell them I am not very familiar with gluten-free diets. I would send them the menu that I'm planning to serve and offer to tell them more info about ingredients/brands if they need it. Then they could determine which things they can/can't eat.

If there was an easy change and I hadn't already purchased specific ingredients (different brand of turkey, serving croutons "on the side" instead of in the salad), I would probably make those changes... but at least you've given the guest advance notice of how much stuff she will be able to eat. And let her know that you won't be offended if she wants to bring something she knows she can eat.

 

[Angelhalo]

Seriously? Grow a backbone! Pick up the phone, ask for a final count and cook for that many. If extra people show up, then the person who brought them can share THEIR food with their guests. Don't know how many places to set? Make it a buffet and tell people to sit wherever the heck they want. It's not hard.

As for the guest who eats gluten-free ... wow. Here she is, a guest in your home, but you're mad at her because she's on a gluten-free diet. Nice way to be welcoming. Would you have rather they not told you about the dietary restriction until they arrived?

What you are supposed to do with that little piece of information -- as a hostess -- is to determine which of the dishes you were already planning on are, indeed, gluten-free. And to let her know when she arrives. Just as (one would hope) you would note which dishes were nut-free if someone coming to the feast happened to be allergic. Gluten-free eating isn't always a choice; many times it's medically necessary. She's likely not choosing to eat gluten-free just to mess up your day. If you don't want to cook anything special for her, don't. She'll be fine.

And does it matter that you don't know her? Maybe she had nowhere else to go on Thanksgiving and so someone invited her along. Isn't that what the holiday is supposed to be about?

Maybe you should cancel the dinner altogether and just spend the day alone. Sounds like you may not be fun to be with by then!

WTH? I didn't think the person who was venting was rude at all. First off she was "venting" not looking for your judgement of her character. We're all allowed to be cranky now and then. That's what venting is about. Blowing off steam.

I would be just as irritated in the venter's situation. Sometimes no matter how many times you "grow a backbone" or put your foot down, people just will not a commit a number to you. OBVIOUSLY the venter will eventually decide on a number of her own or do a buffet if she has too. I highly doubt she is an doofus who will cook nothing at all and sit around baffled with no food to serve simply because she doesn't have a specific number to cook for. Sheesh! She's not incompetant.

If someone told me at the last minute that some girl I don't even know is coming for Thanksgiving and Oh by the way, she has to eat gluten free, I would react the same of the venter. Like well gee thanks for the late heads up. Chances are from her reaction, the venter is not used to cooking gluten free and may not have any clue whatsoever what that includes. I would not cook anything different than whatever I was already cooking. I'd just pass the word along that little miss gluten free needs to bring something with her that she knows she will be able to eat. I'd be willing to wager that no one is mad at gluten free girl. No one believes she is gluten free just so she can put others out. But, it's also a huge meal and the venter probably already knows what she's going to be making and that won't be changing because one girl that she doesn't even know, has special dietary needs. And I'd also be willing to bet that gluten free girl is used to that at this point in her life. She is probably already planning on bringing something anyway.

Anyhoo I didn't think the venter seemed like some miserable person who should be doomed to a Thanksgiving alone just because she wanted to vent about a lack of common courtesy from others when all she is trying to do is serve them a nice meal for Thanksgiving.

Lighten up and cut her some slack. Geeeez.

 

[wnissen]

I think all reasonable hosts understand that some people have work schedules that are erratic. In that case, the responsibility is on the guest to explain that they would love to reply with a "yes," but given DH/W's schedule they couldn't guarantee they could make it. This allows the host to make the decision whether to accommodate a guest who might not come. I'm not Miss Manners, but I am certain that is what she would prescribe.

Beyond that, the only excuses for failing to reply or failing to attend are circumstances that are truly out of your control, which pretty much comes down to illness. If the dance teacher is in the habit of scheduling rehearsals ad hoc, he or she is going to have to get used to working around the previous committments of the dancers. It's an excellent life lesson to stand up to someone who demands that you reorganize your life for their convenience.

If y'all will permit me to vent, I recently had a couple and their two young children fail to show up to a party because they had accidentally scheduled a play date that afternoon, and they didn't tell me until an hour before the party. What is the matter with people. It was pretty informal, but I still had bought and prepared food for them. What is the matter with people?

Walt

 

[Cinderella94]

Seriously? Grow a backbone! Pick up the phone, ask for a final count and cook for that many. If extra people show up, then the person who brought them can share THEIR food with their guests. Don't know how many places to set? Make it a buffet and tell people to sit wherever the heck they want. It's not hard.

As for the guest who eats gluten-free ... wow. Here she is, a guest in your home, but you're mad at her because she's on a gluten-free diet. Nice way to be welcoming. Would you have rather they not told you about the dietary restriction until they arrived?

What you are supposed to do with that little piece of information -- as a hostess -- is to determine which of the dishes you were already planning on are, indeed, gluten-free. And to let her know when she arrives. Just as (one would hope) you would note which dishes were nut-free if someone coming to the feast happened to be allergic. Gluten-free eating isn't always a choice; many times it's medically necessary. She's likely not choosing to eat gluten-free just to mess up your day. If you don't want to cook anything special for her, don't. She'll be fine.

And does it matter that you don't know her? Maybe she had nowhere else to go on Thanksgiving and so someone invited her along. Isn't that what the holiday is supposed to be about?

Maybe you should cancel the dinner altogether and just spend the day alone. Sounds like you may not be fun to be with by then!

Wow! I feel like you just took out a bunch of pent up anger on Pugsley. Having a bad day?

Go take a bubble bath .

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Wow! I feel like you just took out a bunch of pent up anger on Pugsley. Having a bad day?

Go take a bubble bath .

That touches on my pet peeve. When I am so excited to take a bubble bath and one of my daughters has used up all of my bubbles!

 

[Pigeon]

Sometimes it is hard to make plans far out. When you have kids--especially when they are involved in many things-- sometimes you don't get much notice for things/events. While some things aren't extremely important, or DH will be able to take the kid(s) or attend 'whatever', there are some things I am obligated to do or be there for. Same with work---DH and I have crazy work schedules at times, and we don't know our schedules too far out many times. Many times, we have little to no notice. It can't be helped, and we feel badly if we have to miss something else because of it.

I do agree that it's rude to just break plans, or not make any, if you are just waiting to see if something better comes along, though. That's not very nice.

Agreed. I have to work some nights and weekends, and usually don't know when until a few weeks before.

My kids belong to some musical performing groups where their attendance is mandatory. We don't always get the dates very far ahead of time. If a concert comes up, I have to be there. Fun stuff for me takes a back seat.

 

[Pigeon]

Seriously? Grow a backbone! Pick up the phone, ask for a final count and cook for that many. If extra people show up, then the person who brought them can share THEIR food with their guests. Don't know how many places to set? Make it a buffet and tell people to sit wherever the heck they want. It's not hard.

As for the guest who eats gluten-free ... wow. Here she is, a guest in your home, but you're mad at her because she's on a gluten-free diet. Nice way to be welcoming. Would you have rather they not told you about the dietary restriction until they arrived?

What you are supposed to do with that little piece of information -- as a hostess -- is to determine which of the dishes you were already planning on are, indeed, gluten-free. And to let her know when she arrives. Just as (one would hope) you would note which dishes were nut-free if someone coming to the feast happened to be allergic. Gluten-free eating isn't always a choice; many times it's medically necessary. She's likely not choosing to eat gluten-free just to mess up your day. If you don't want to cook anything special for her, don't. She'll be fine.

And does it matter that you don't know her? Maybe she had nowhere else to go on Thanksgiving and so someone invited her along. Isn't that what the holiday is supposed to be about?

Maybe you should cancel the dinner altogether and just spend the day alone. Sounds like you may not be fun to be with by then!

I think there a huge difference between me inviting someone to my home who I know eats gluten free and one of my guests inviting somebody else, not asking me first, and expecting me to produce a gluten free meal. I don't think the holiday is about inviting strangers to relatives houses without asking them first. That's just plain rude--not on the part of the gluten free person, but on the part of the guest who invited her.

My kid has a friend with Celiac's, and I've had her overnight several times. It is a big deal and you have to be very careful with what you serve. It always takes me twice as long to grocery shop when I know she's coming, and her needs dictate the menu. Now, that's fine because I'm all for my kid inviting her and it's my choice. To have it thrust upon me with no discussion on Thanksgiving is a different story.