Inspired by the Over-Indulged Thread - The Opposite

[DVCLiz]

On that recent thread about whether or not we over-indulge our kids, a poster stated she wouldn't let her kids drive until they were 18, even if the law said 16. A day or so later, a casual friend of mine and I had a conversation. I know she has made the same decision for her oldest son ("we live on a busy road") but in this conversation she told me that she had come home from college after the first day because she was so homesick, and that she just didn't know how I could stand to let my daughter go away to school. (The answer, btw, is "easily!") Her older son is going about 45 minutee away, but she said she is hoping and praying her DD won't go away. I don't really know how the DD feels about it - the mom says she is a real homebody so she thinks she'll stay at home. I think the daughter, who is a great sports person, will get an offer to play her sport and say "See ya, I'm out of here."

Why do some parents do this to their kids? Why wouldn't you let a normal 16 year old get a driver's license when all the rest of the peer group was doing it? I think this is bad parenting, just like the over-indulged kids who never move from in front of a video game. I see all kinds of parental control - are these kids ever going to be able to mature if their parents won't let them move forward?

Your thoughts...

 

[ktpool]

ITA....

I don't understand parents that are seem proud that their kid stays home every night and would rather hang out with Mom and Dad than friends their own age.

I hate to break it to you.... it is not because Mom and Dad are super cool!

 

[mickeysgal]

Why wouldn't you let a normal 16 year old get a driver's license when all the rest of the peer group was doing it? I think this is bad parenting, just like the over-indulged kids who never move from in front of a video game. I see all kinds of parental control - are these kids ever going to be able to mature if their parents won't let them move forward?

Your thioughts...

Easy. Because not all kids are mature enough at age 16. Mine included. We don't have driver's ed where we live and we've been teaching him ourselves. He's simply not ready - skill-wise. Further, I'm not ready to fund his insurance or even allow him to pay for his own (via working) until I see his grades pick up and he gets more serious about his future. I'm not putting him behind the wheel just yet...driving is a privilege, not a right. And I'm not going to let him use a 2 ton vehicle as a way for him to mature. Until I can see that he is acting more adult-like, has better perspective with attitude and his schooling, and has the proper experience on the road, he's going to have to wait. Putting a kid on your insurance puts mom and dad at full financial risk in the event of an accident. Kids in this age band are so statistically probable for getting into accidents. Nope...this household is waiting. Age 16 is no miracle age of entitlement. Allowing him to earn the privilege is his choice, not my obligation.

 

[va32h]

Why wouldn't you let a normal 16 year old get a driver's license when all the rest of the peer group was doing it?

Because it's expensive. When I was in high school, Driver's Ed - even through the school - was $300. My mom didn't have that kind of money. She also could not afford to add me to her insurance. And she had one car, a crappy 1984 Chevette. If I wrecked that car, she'd have no way to replace it and no way to get to work!

I actually didn't end up getting a driver's license until I was 23. My college town had an excellent bus system.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

My kids will not be allowed to get their licenses when they are 16. When my DD got her license, MD law only required them to have their permit for 4 months, with 40 hours of driving. Not nearly enough, IMO. I let her get her permit on time, but she had to get way more than 40 hours and she was close to 17yo before I let her try (after having her permit for almost a year). She failed the parallel parking test so I had her wait a little while longer and she was 17 when she got her license. My sons will also be required to have their permit for a year.

But I'm not doing it because I can't let go, but because I don't think the laws are strict enough.

As far as going away to school, my DD did go away, and I'm glad. It was the best decision, even though it was hard on her. I cried and had a hard time and she wanted to come back after the first semester and then I cried because she wanted to come back home. She is now almost done with her first year and very happy!

My 15yo son will very possibly go to a local CC college unless he really pulls up his grades. I don't really want him to because he drives me crazy at home, but it might be the best decision for him. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I do think that it's up to us as parents to help our kids mature and move on, as hard as it is on us. It is the way that it's supposed to happen. How else are we going to have grandkids!!!

 

[disneyjunkie]

My son will not be driving when he's 16.(He'll be 15 in October) Since we live in an area with 24 hour public transportation, there isn't a need for him to drive.

I have no desire for my 16 year old to drive in NYC traffic.

My son will never use the "but everyone else is doing/has...." line. He learned a long time ago that won't work with me.

 

[alliecats]

Thanks for posting this, Elizabeth--I don't think the other side of this occurs to many people. I would bet it is a lot more rare.
I would have been one of those "opposite" kids growing up. I had no, and I mean NO, personal freedoms like a driver's license, etc. This while working...I had 2 jobs plus school my senior year. My mother called herself "overprotective," which was the understatement of the year, and it was truly hell. Imagine not being allowed to determine the length of your own hair, or ever spend the night with a friend. (There were a lot of other issues, too, but not on the topic of this thread.)
A few months after I turned 18, I moved 2,000 miles away and have been on my own ever since.
There just has to a happy medium.

 

[RitaZ.]

I see all kinds of parental control - are these kids ever going to be able to mature if their parents won't let them move forward?

Some will and some won't. The thing about being too controlling is that parents are basically telling their child, " I don't think you can handle this". Sending that message to most kids will only plant self-doubt and ambivalence. Of course, there are those kids that will see that message as a challenge and rise above it all, but those aren't the kids I'm talking about.

If you ask DH and he'll tell you that I'm have some control issues (it's a work in progress). Seriously, my goal as a parent is to prepare my kids for the real world, to be independent individuals who are not afraid to go out there and do it on their own. I can't think of a better gift a parent can give a child. I'm not saying that I won't miss them when they choose to go away to college, move out or whatever. The day will come and I will accept it.

 

[RitaZ.]

Imagine not being allowed to determine the length of your own hair, or ever spend the night with a friend.

Wow! That is extremely controlling!

 

[alliecats]

Wow! That is extremely controlling!

Controlling is the perfect word for it! It is one of those things I wouldn't believe if I hadn't lived it.

 

[RitaZ.]

alliecats~ I have a personal question to ask, I hope you don't think it's rude. I'm curious if the relationship that you have with your mom today was affected by her desire to control you when you were younger.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I was in the same boat as Alliecat. I wasn't allowed to bathe without approval (and it was considered too much if it was more than once a week), no shaving without permission, no using a curling iron b/c I Had a perm so I didn't need to curl it, and the list goes on and on. So now I live 600 miles away. I can handle mom in small doses but am comforted by the distance.

 

[alliecats]

alliecats~ I have a personal question to ask, I hope you don't think it's rude. I'm curious if the relationship that you have with your mom today was affected by her desire to control you when you were younger.

Rita, I will send you a PM. I don't really want to get into too much detail on the board. But for anyone else who is wondering, I will say ABSOLUTELY. And not in a good way.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

I, too, have been on the opposite side of this, like alliecats. My parents were extreme control freaks and it's really affected the relationship I have with them now. My parents acted like they had kids so that they (the parents) wouldn't have to do anything but give orders. My siblings and I were responsible for probably 90% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I felt like I was treated like a slave, so naturally I don't speak with them all that often now. I speak with them and visit them when I feel obligated to, but not much otherwise.

TOV

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

There could be many reasons rational or irrational at why a child doesn't get a license at 16.

I wanted one--but my parents are military--we moved a bit and getting time off to go get the darn thing was a big pain. So I was 17 when we got it. And in my state at the time--you could drive at 15 (after having your learner's permit for a set time--then you could drive solo).

I don't know what to say about the mom in your OP. Sounds like she's doing the flip side of living vicariously through her child. Perhaps she is treating her child based on how she was a teen instead of how her DD is now. Perhaps she is forgetting that her DD is an individual with her own thoughts.



And I did like hanging out with my mom. I am not a party person.

we still get together for trips to Disney even .

 

[alliecats]

I was in the same boat as Alliecat. I wasn't allowed to bathe without approval (and it was considered too much if it was more than once a week),

I am sorry you got stuck in this boat, too. WOW. At least mine never thought of that.

One big one that I remember was that I became a vegetarian my senior year. She couldn't stand it. Not that it inconvenienced her in any way (she didn't cook), but because she hadn't sanctioned it. She would do things like picking me up to take me to work, with McDonalds in the car (after telling us not to bother to pack a lunch), not keeping non-meat groceries in the house so I could fix myself something, etc. So I would not have much to eat, and no money because I was not allowed to have that either. At this age I was finally getting stubborn, so I just quit eating. I would go all day with just a Payday and a Diet Pepsi. I went from 102 pounds to 92 pounds in 3 months. Very destructive, and it is because I had absolutely NO control over anything in my life, and I could not bear that I couldn't control my own food intake. I guess it was a form of anorexia, though it had nothing to do with my weight. I knew I was skinny at 102.

Wow, remembering all this REALLY makes me want to count my blessings today. It is sad that the people who are supposed to treat them the best can be so destructive to their children.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

wow--just finished reading (I'm slow and I posted before reading the rest. BAD LLP!).


I'm thankful that my controlling forces are divorced from my mother and no longer in my life. Elvis has LEFT the building--WAHOO!!! (Yes--I had a step-father named...ELVIS. His given name. I think his mom was a little bit of a fan. Maybe he was the "Apple" of his generation. I dunno).

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

. I guess it was a form of anorexia, though it had nothing to do with my weight. I knew I was skinny at 102.

FWIW--it was anorexia and the disease is about control and not about weight. By refusing to eat the foods--you were controlling what you could even if that meant not being able to eat or eating very little to accomodate what you wanted to do (not eat meat).

Elvis (my former step-father) was a saint compared to your mom.

 

[ktpool]

And I did like hanging out with my mom. I am not a party person.

we still get together for trips to Disney even .

I do too...going to spend 10 days at Disney with her...talk to her all the time. Never said I didn't like to hang out with my Mom. I love her to death!

BUT I also had friends other than my Mom as a teenager, and although I did do stuff with her, she allowed me to become independent and learn to live with my own choices and get along with the rest of the world.

 

[jonestavern]

Easy. Because not all kids are mature enough at age 16. Mine included. We don't have driver's ed where we live and we've been teaching him ourselves. He's simply not ready - skill-wise. Further, I'm not ready to fund his insurance or even allow him to pay for his own (via working) until I see his grades pick up and he gets more serious about his future. I'm not putting him behind the wheel just yet...driving is a privilege, not a right. And I'm not going to let him use a 2 ton vehicle as a way for him to mature. Until I can see that he is acting more adult-like, has better perspective with attitude and his schooling, and has the proper experience on the road, he's going to have to wait. Putting a kid on your insurance puts mom and dad at full financial risk in the event of an accident. Kids in this age band are so statistically probable for getting into accidents. Nope...this household is waiting. Age 16 is no miracle age of entitlement. Allowing him to earn the privilege is his choice, not my obligation.

Well said.

NH only requires 20 hrs behind the wheel to take the road test. DS was no where near ready skillwise. We insisted he do another 20 hrs.
IMHO, I don't believe the laws governing liscences are nearly tight enough. And that goes for older drivers, too.

Cost is a determination. Here abouts driver's ed is $450.00.
Then there is insurance

I am not one to go along with the 'because everyone else is doing it'.
So many crowd choices are way off in regards to our personnal convictions.

We do encourage independence through self-help.
Knowing how to wire an electrical outlet, take care of a goat/pet, work, maintain long distance relationships, budget, make travel arrangements etc

Yep, it is tough to be one of the few (yeah, right ) to go without something, but that's life. DH & I talk out any of DS17's requests & I discuss it with a few other moms' whose opinions I respect. We are not controlling, just concerned.

I don't give a fig about hairstyles, ratty clothing or what church he chooses to attend--but don't let on I said that
I'll let him think he's rebelling

We're fine with DS choosing an out of state college or settling down away from us. My DSis' girls had different needs. The oldest went to Roanoke--she was ready to launch at age 10, I swear. The younger wanted to live at home. for her own good DSis had the wisdom to send her just 2 1/2 hrs away--to foster a sense of independence. too far to come home everyday but close enough to zip by if really needy~

Most sane parents know what their children require

Jean