Inlaws found new way to hurt me...

[CEDmom]

Wow, I read this whole post and you really do have some big issues. However, I think they start more with your DH than your MIL. If a grown man is going to go around hiding things from his mother or following her every command than he has some growing up to do.

I don't have a relationship of any kind with my MIL. I keep our contact to a minimum which works for DH and me. My MIL is not a nurturing person at all. She is also very manipulative but I caught onto her game early on and put a stop to it.

She used to call DH a lot and he used to do things around her house all the time even though my single BIL lives there as well.

I didn't mind that much when it was just the 2 of us. However, before we adopted DD I let DH know how I felt and that his role was with his family (DD and I) not running to my MIL's every time she beckoned.

It was a hard adjustment. I remember the 1st time her had to tell her no. She wasn't happy about it but she really hasn't bothered us much since. He'll always be there for a real crisis but not for petty nonsence.

I think your DH needs to stand up to his mother. Until he stops allowing her to treat him like a doormat there's not muc hope for you.

I really wish you good luck.

 

[sharbear]

I remember you posting about your DH's father dying. It's very sad and your MIL sounds like a very sad person. I am sure that she is exactly what you have said she is. To take things out of context and to comment about them is unfair without knowing all the things that have gone on.

Having said that the only thing that you can control is how you react to her. I personally believe that your MIL is not as much as a problem as how your DH reacts to how your MIL acts. When he doesn't support you or he supports your MIL's position instead of you and your children, there lies the problem.

She is going to do these things to you. Do I think that she means to, maybe. But she maybe so involved in herself and her problems that she doesn't even think about what you want. The question is, will she change, probably not. Is it more effort to try to change her, or just accept that she will not be aware of your needs.

Try to get through these family get together's and think that you are a little closer to heaven each time you put up with her. That she is your husband's mother no matter what she might do to you or your children. That most of the time it's not about you, it's always about her (to her!). And when your son marries a woman, you know what not to do.

 

[kadaten]

Originally posted by luv2nascar
we eat at my in laws every Sunday
They make no effort to accomodate my dietary needs. They don't even ask. Which to me is rude too.
MIL always makes spaghetti w/meat sauce for Sunday dinner.
I am eating low carb so no regular white flour pasta for me or sugar.
I take my own food for DH and I. Either LC spaghetti, spaghetti squash, eggplant parm. I take my own splenda for coffee and my own diet soda.

I know someone said it before....but

WHY GO?

 

[poohandwendy]

I am wondering why you are going to a holiday meal empty handed? You could have made a lowcarb dish and brought some diet coke and called it your contribution to the meal (even if one is not expected). This could have solved most of the problems.

I was taught to never go to anyones home for a meal without something (dessert, bottle of wine...something). Even if they don't ask me to. Instead, you not only didn't contribute, but are miffed that your special dietary requests weren't provided.

As far as your husband, I would have hit him over the head for being so inconsiderate as to starting his meal without making sure you had a place to sit.

 

[robsmom]

didn't mention in my post but we always bring stuff to family holidays as well. usually people call the host/hostess and ask what they can bring and coordinate so we don't have 10 desserts and no apps. but people often show up with extra stuff because they want to try a recipe or were in the mood for something. no one ever cares if we bring extra. would your mil be really insulted if you came with stuff (or could you put the soda in car and just pull it out if there is none??).

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by RUDisney
I used to take several desserts over to her house for every holiday. I love to cook and I love to bake. No one ever ate any of the desserts that I made.

After years of me bringing food and her bringing food, we stopped. Why take it if no one appreciates it?

If I am going anywhere, I always bring something, even if I'm told not to bring anything. As I said, no one would eat anything that I would bring, so I stopped bringing anything. I was always in charge of desserts. I would bake 4-5 different things for every holiday meal. I'd do the same and take them to my parents' house. I'd make the things that I knew that everyone liked, whether or not I liked them... like lemon merangue pie (blech.) That's alot of work to be thrown away when everyone would elect to eat the store bought pies MIL would have.

I'd bring wine... to dull the pain of being there... but MIL doesn't drink and doesn't allow it in her house.... unless it's her sons who bring beer.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

my ex husband had a friend whose wife was contstantly on weird diets. whenever I had a party she'd show up with a small bag of her own "diet" food in case I didn't prepare anything she could eat.

 

[robsmom]

missed the part that they woudn't eat your desserts. O.K. this family is really really weird!!! Even when somebody sort of misses on a recipe (which i am not saying you did!!), we usually try it anyway and try not to hurt the persons feelings too much. i vote you just bring stuff you like and who cares if they eat it.

 

[Midnightbulbs]

Originally posted by RUDisney
Those who know both sides agree that my ILs go out of their way to make ILs unhappy.

I used to take several desserts over to her house for every holiday. I love to cook and I love to bake. No one ever ate any of the desserts that I made. Then, enter SIL, who is my BIL's second wife (MIL and SILs were successful in breaking up their marriage.) I love this woman like she was my sister. I helped this BIL get through his divorce. We are still close to them. She used to bring food, too. No one, but she and I would eat it.

After years of me bringing food and her bringing food, we stopped. Why take it if no one appreciates it?

I got along splendidly with MIL up until the day we got married. That day, she walked around like a sad sack. She never gave us so much as a card for our wedding. We really didn't care about a gift, but a card to save would have been nice.

That's when she got to be demanding. Even though my DH hadn't lived with her before we got married, she never pressured him to be at her house all the time. After we got married, she expected that he would be around her house, unless he was sleeping. When he wasn't there, she'd be calling our house all the time.

She had 3 of her 4 other kids living at home. DH is the oldest of 5. It wasn't like her last child was leaving the nest. She has convinced her two DDs that they should sleep at her house more often than they do at their own houses... where their DHs are sleeping.

My assessment of MIL is that she is narcassistic and very munchausen's. She loves to go where there is suffering. She hates to be around those who are happy. She creates drama in her life and her kids run to her side.

DW is that you? At my Mother's we end up setting the table, finishing the dinner, and providing anything that is forgotten. We get there on time, yet Mom is always happy to delay dinner for an hour or two for anyone who takes too long in the shower or decided to nap that day.

We go out of obligation. For the last two years, we have either hosted both sides(if they choose to come) at our home, or gone on vacation. If we don't make the holidays pleasant for our kids, what kind of memories will they have?

 

[jipsy]

If I am going anywhere, I always bring something, even if I'm told not to bring anything.

You've still not answered anyone's question here - if you are on Atkins, why not bring YOUR OWN FOOD? No one is saying you should bring enough for the whole family, just enough for you. I don't care how bad your IL's are, to expect people to cater to your diet when they are feeding a group of people is very demanding and selfish.

Were there chairs anywhere in the house that weren't being used? If so, why didn't you get one? Or, the better question is, why didn't your HUSBAND give you his chair and HIM stand at the counter? That's just good manners, period, and it sounds like he needs some.

I cannot believe you are incensed that at SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING, your children were not given buttered noodles. You are teaching your kids that everyone else in the world is to cater to their every whim, and that is a bad lesson to teach them. Also, again, very demanding and selfish. If the kids can't eat the food, they can wait and get something on the way home or eat when they get home.

You sound like you want everyone to cater to your every whim. Grow up.

 

[luv2nascar]

to those who wanted to know why I go to my in laws on Sunday even though I have to take my own food (which I take enough for others too) is because it is the only time my DH has to spend with his parents

they are retired and don't really make an effort to visit or spend time with us. They prefer trips to AC and gambling. I go because it means him spending time with his family. I could just as easily stay home. We do occassionally get fed up and stay home but usually we go there for 3 hrs or so. It bothers him that his parents don't really ask us to go anywhere with them anymore. We've asked them out but they always have an excuse.

 

[poohandwendy]

If I am going anywhere, I always bring something, even if I'm told not to bring anything.

Then why didn't you bring something YOU could eat/drink instead of expecting them to cater to your diet?

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by luv2nascar
to those who wanted to know why I go to my in laws on Sunday even though I have to take my own food (which I take enough for others too) is because it is the only time my DH has to spend with his parents

they are retired and don't really make an effort to visit or spend time with us. They prefer trips to AC and gambling. I go because it means him spending time with his family. I could just as easily stay home. We do occassionally get fed up and stay home but usually we go there for 3 hrs or so. It bothers him that his parents don't really ask us to go anywhere with them anymore. We've asked them out but they always have an excuse.

maybe if you didn't go there every Sunday they might decide to go somewhere to spend time with you...maybe since they're retired they want to have some fun alone..what's wrong with that..??

..

 

[Wishing on a star]

Believe me, I TOTALLY understand where RUdisney is coming from! (aside from the buttered noodles thing... )

But, when you are in this situation, what happens is that you hope to exaggerate every offense... The reason being that you hope that your HUSBAND will finally see the obvious!!! Like others have mentioned.... the issue is NOT about the MIL... Who really cares about her anyhow... The problem is between the Husband and the Wife!!!!!

Well, HONEY, let me tell you, if your Husband sits at the table (with his family) while letting you STAND across the room... He is nowhere near seeing the light of day!!! If you are commited to him and want to accept this fine... But, whining and making demands will only make things WORSE!!!!

After many years of marriage in the same type of situation, I learned that my DH may NEVER be able to see objectively, as he was raised in that family.... I think his Father could almost physically accost me and DH would find a way to ignore it or justify it, etc.... After all, it is HIS parents, and maybe I could be the bigger person and be 'nicer', etc.....

It actually came to the point where I said, and I quote... "The next time you put your parents wishes in front of my, and our new sons, needs, then you may as well just start packing and go move in with them!!!!"

This did help a little... But, what happened is this...
I had to be strong and mature instead of weak and blaming and immature... I had to simply say, this treatment is inexcusable, and I will no longer visit at my inlaws and make myself the victim.... Period.... I had to be an adult and take control of my own needs and my own life!!!!

Only then did DH catch on, and things begin to improve!

I can guarantee you that this is the only answer. Baloney about the 'not making the DH choose'!!!!! IMHO my DH made his choice to leave his mother and father and to cleave unto me and to become as one with his wife, on the day we were married!!!... (This scripture was very prominantly quoted in our wedding ceremony!!!!!) And, any spouse who is not putting his wife and children first is dead wrong, putting their marriage at risk.

Take heart RUdisney.... I hope that all the input in this thread helps in the long run!!!

 

[Bojangles]

Maybe they thought they were catering to your diet by serving the ham. I never would have guessed that a ham wouldn't be low-carb friendly.

In any case, it sounds like from your original post that you were only there 2 hours. Couldn't you have waited 2 hours and gotten something on the way home? Or if you were so worried you should have brought your own food or at least a dish to share with everyone that was compatable with your diet.

I totally don't get the buttered noodles thing. I've been to plenty of weddings where I didn't like the food and happily stopped on the way back to the hotel for a burger.

 

[poohandwendy]

Great post WOAS! ITA, take control of your life instead of being a victim....

 

[Dan Murphy]

Just wanted to say that I hope anybody who is hurting is doing better. 's

 

[doxdogy]

I am so sorry to hear that happened. If you ever move to my part of Florida, I would be more than happy to be your kids adopted grandmother. I would absolutely LOVE to have two grandchildren to spoil rotten to the core.

 

[ScarlettO]

RUDisney

Olde Cape Cod Poppy Seed Dressing.

It adds a sweetness to the salad. I also love fruit in my salads... mandarine oranges, strawberries, blueberries, black berries, pears, apples, etc. I balance the sweetness of the fruit and dressing with crumbled bleu or feta cheese and some seasoned almond slivers.

My friends tell my DH that he's the luckiest man alive because of my salads.
RUDisneyRUDisney

Olde Cape Cod Poppy Seed Dressing.

It adds a sweetness to the salad.




RUDisneyRUDisney

The salad was dressed with a high sugar dressing.

Maybe she was making a salad with this dressing you used to like? It's the only dressing I can think of that has sugar in it.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by jipsy
You've still not answered anyone's question here - if you are on Atkins, why not bring YOUR OWN FOOD?

Because she's always served ham in the past that wasn't sugar laden. I had expected that I could at least eat that. She also usually puts sausage in her sauce. This year, she only put meatballs in it.

She had a special sauce for her DD's diet. It had only tomatoes in it and no salt, spices, meat. That's because she gets migraines from it.

She usually doesn't dress the salad. She usually has cruets out with olive oil and balsalmic vinegar. This year, she decided to go with a higher carb, pre-dressed salad.

Were there chairs anywhere in the house that weren't being used? If so, why didn't you get one? Or, the better question is, why didn't your HUSBAND give you his chair and HIM stand at the counter? That's just good manners, period, and it sounds like he needs some.

The only other chairs that were around were from the living room. There were two wing chairs and a recliner. Not really feasible to lug into the dining room. I agree that my DH was an oaf and he should have noticed that I had no seat. I really thinks that he goes out of his way to NOT notice anything that they do, or anything that goes on around him when we are in that house.

I cannot believe you are incensed that at SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING, your children were not given buttered noodles. You are teaching your kids that everyone else in the world is to cater to their every whim, and that is a bad lesson to teach them. Also, again, very demanding and selfish. If the kids can't eat the food, they can wait and get something on the way home or eat when they get home.

You sound like you want everyone to cater to your every whim. Grow up.

My kids were in the wedding. We had to be at MILs house at 11:00 for pictures. There were sandwiches there and my kids each ate one. After that, it was all adult food. They didn't like the appetizers, and so, by your estimation, it is OK for them to not eat again when the dinner was finally served after 7:00? I did not have the luxury of running them thru McD's or BK since they were with my DH and the rest of the bridal party. I knew that they'd be hungry. Why wouldn't a normal grandmother want to make sure that her grandkids are fed? The kids whined throughout the night about being hungry, but I guess that the bread served as their meals that night. You know what my mistake was? I didn't have DH tell his mother what to order for our kids. I made the mistake of telling her myself.

You've given DH and I lots of fodder for conversations concerning holidays and his behavior. Hopefully, by the next holiday, some of it will start to sink in and we can host the holiday meal ourselves.