Inlaws found new way to hurt me...

[danacara]

Uh ... Red Flag ... Red Flag ...

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

I'm definitely seeing a pattern here.

 

[HoneyPooh]

One drip of water hiting you in the forhead is no big deal, but when a drip hits you every hour every day for 20 years, it suddenly becomes a big deal. Some things that seem trivial become a problem when they are done consistantly and over a long period of time. To the OP, I understand your problem, I've been there done that for 19 years this July. I pick my battles at this point, because whether they like it or not, I'm part of their family now, and whether I like it or not, they are still my DH's family. It's taken me years to get my DH to notice things at his family functions, but it finally happened and now he tries to head things off for me when he can. for you. I hope it gets better.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by gymnasticsmom68
You requested they make a special meal for your kids at your SIL's wedding?

...

I agree 100%....


it's amazing what kids will eat if it's their only option,,, tell them if they want a piece of wedding cake with everyone else, they must eat the same meal as everyone else,


I think expecting a special meal for the kids on someone elses special day..is a bit much....

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

Originally posted by MICKEY88
...

I agree 100%....




I think expecting a special meal for the kids on someone elses special day..is a bit much....

I do too, maybe it's not so much them not trying to hurt you, but you asking too much and them just starting to ignore you. There are always 2 sides to every story, I'm curious what their side would be. BTW I would have went and found a chair and never given it another thought.

 

[MomofKatie]

methinks the lady doth protest too much...

Aren't we being a bit of a martyr? I mean, EVERYONE can come up with some complaints about the ILs... it's inevitable, isn't it?? Noone was raised in exactly the same manner, and I know I'm not the only one who thinks alot of other people have WEIRD families. But to be so freaked out about every single thing... sheesh! Get over it and live your life.

Let the flaming begin.

 

[missypie]

Repeat after me, "May I please have a chair?"

Bring your own food. Not one little bit just for you, but a very nice presentation of something you love...likely others will love it, too.

Stay away from those people as much as possible.

As I guy at work said, "I used to spend holidays with my family. Now I spend them with my loved ones."

 

[4nana]

God rest their souls....I was blessed to have the best in laws in the world and miss them dearly.

I find this thread very sad and depressing.....what the h--- is wrong with people?! Our dear DIL and SIL's are part of our family and treated equal to our children. However, IF I ever came close to treating any of them like this, I would hope they'd give me a swift kick in the a-- and not blame them if they never came back. These unloving, bitter, so called relatives need to do some serious soul searching!

~ Sandie

 

[sue1013]

I have to ask why does your family still go to the IL's? You are not happy there, your DH certainly can't enjoy it (if when you leave each time you complain). I'm sure your children feel the tension. Does DH get along with his siblings? My MIL is a witch also but at least all the siblings get along and we all just ignore or laugh at her attempts to ruin every gathering. Isn't there anyone in DH's family you can get along with, that would make it easier to ignore MIL. To me the company is more important than the food at a family gathering. We go to DH brother's for some holidays and his wife though a wonderful person is a terrible cook. We always leave hungry, but we can go home and eat something.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by RUDisney
I'll be making the same suggestion that I always make. "Why don't we have our own dinner in our house and then have my parents and your mother over for dessert?" One of these years it's going to fly.

I just re-read this...

maybe it would fly if you invite everyone ,..not just his mother..

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

Originally posted by MICKEY88
I just re-read this...

maybe it would fly if you invite everyone ,..not just his mother..

Good question, it sounds like they want to spend the holiday together.

 

[bubie2.5]

I have a few questions:
1- Did the chairs have name tags and there wasn’t one with your name? If that’s the case, shame on your MIL; if it’s not, then you had the same chance as anyone else there of getting one.
2- What would have happened in your SIL’s wedding if everyone there made a special food request?

And a side note: I’m an only child with a large extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) that almost always celebrate the holidays at my mother’s. Since I’m always on a diet I bring my food, and sometimes a special low cal dish for everyone to try. I know that if I asked my mother to make something for me to eat she would do it, but since she already has a lot to do I don’t think is fair that she readjusts her life to fit my always changing eating habits . I’m just thankful for her inviting me to her home.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by gymnasticsmom68
Good question, it sounds like they want to spend the holiday together.

since my sisters and I have taken over the holiday meals, which we did to make the holidays more relaxing for our respective parents,, we have a standard guest list that includes all siblings and their children, and all siblings parent-inlaws...
we coordinate the meal ..the host is responsible for the main course...and others bring side dishes, desserts, whatever... .Easter was at my younger sister's this year my wife made a dessert to take and I baked fresh bread... that way everyone is sure to have something they like....

we also co-ordinate transportation if neccessary,, Sunday I was in charge of picking up my brother-in-law's mother, could he have done it..sure..but by doing it for him he was able to help prepare dinner at a less stressful pace, we all make the effort to pitch in and make it less stressful for the host family, that way their day is more enjoyable..

perhaps you could offer to host the next holiday dinner and ask everyone to pitch in... your mother-in-law might be overstressed preparing for everyone...

 

[Maleficent13]

Um..okay...I know this is OT, but...

At least your in-laws did not expect you to stand behind your husband as a butler while he ate and you could finish his cold leftovers (what my in-laws told me one thanksgiving).

 

[RUDisney]

Those who know both sides agree that my ILs go out of their way to make ILs unhappy.

I used to take several desserts over to her house for every holiday. I love to cook and I love to bake. No one ever ate any of the desserts that I made. Then, enter SIL, who is my BIL's second wife (MIL and SILs were successful in breaking up their marriage.) I love this woman like she was my sister. I helped this BIL get through his divorce. We are still close to them. She used to bring food, too. No one, but she and I would eat it.

After years of me bringing food and her bringing food, we stopped. Why take it if no one appreciates it?

I got along splendidly with MIL up until the day we got married. That day, she walked around like a sad sack. She never gave us so much as a card for our wedding. We really didn't care about a gift, but a card to save would have been nice.

That's when she got to be demanding. Even though my DH hadn't lived with her before we got married, she never pressured him to be at her house all the time. After we got married, she expected that he would be around her house, unless he was sleeping. When he wasn't there, she'd be calling our house all the time.

She had 3 of her 4 other kids living at home. DH is the oldest of 5. It wasn't like her last child was leaving the nest. She has convinced her two DDs that they should sleep at her house more often than they do at their own houses... where their DHs are sleeping.

My assessment of MIL is that she is narcassistic and very munchausen's. She loves to go where there is suffering. She hates to be around those who are happy. She creates drama in her life and her kids run to her side.

My FIL died last October. She insisted that there be no wake or funeral for him. They divorced almost 20 years ago and she has spent that time making sure that none of her children ever would see him. My DH still hasn't told her that he helped his father by moving his things out of his apartment when he went to a personal care home. Nor can he tell her that he helped his father with some financial things towards the end. He would be scolded for this and made to feel guilty for going against her wishes. Her powers over her children are very strong. She wants dependents. She doesn't want free thinking children.

As for his siblings.... they use my DH when they need him and don't want to know him when things are going well for them. Things are very strained when we're with them because we have very little in common with any of them, except the one BIL & SIL I mentioned before.

Yes, it seems perfectly clear to me that we shouldn't be with them on holidays. But, I'm not going to make my DH choose between them and us. I'm not one for ultimatums. I just wish that when we are with them that he'd do more sticking up for me.

 

[Robinrs]

I am also on Atkins and my aunt invited us over for Easter. My aunt loves me to death but she had LOTS of carbs because that's the way she cooks. I expected this and packed up what I could eat and let everyone else have their fun. I did have some chicken and took home some so I could add my own sides when I got home.

I guess it depends on the host's intentions. If you feel they did this to you deliberately, then you may be right. Again I need to go back to the communication gap. Love is not just automatic, something happened to get you all there and I believe it needs mending, not more anguish and anger. Life is too short.

I still find it very discomforting that your husband didn't notice you standing at a counter. Even my son knows better than to sit if a woman is standing. Sounds like "disrespect" all around.

Again I say SAD.

 

[MICKEY88]

they can only treat your husband this way if he allows it, perhaps if you convince him that he deserves to be treated better, he might see the light...

but again the part that bothers me most is your husband sitting to eat while you stood,
I would have given my seat to my wife, any other female, any elderly male , any child or anyone with health problems, all healthy males of adult age would have been on their own

 

[clutter]

Actually, Mickey 88, there are kids that won't eat things that are their only option.

OTOH, knowing my kid's oddities, I'd never request a special meal. I request no meal, and make sure she's fed somehow, somewhere prior to the event. Just because something an be done doesn't mean it should be done.

As for the op, I'm starting to lean towards the "there's two sides to this story". I know enough families to believe what you originally posted, but the more you post, the more I think both sides are testing (taunting?) each other.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by clutter
Actually, Mickey 88, there are kids that won't eat things that are their only option.
I agree....
.

If that's the way they learn at an early age....

 

[believe]

I can honestly say that I have 'packed' my meal when going to my in-laws. I see no problem with that. I do not expect MIL to make a different meal for me. At Christmas I am the one that sits on the floor as the kids open presents because there isn't enough seats in the living room or enough room for more chairs to be brought in. I was very much the odd person out at the beginning of my relationship with my DH, but I worked at my relationshiop with MIL and now I am like the daughter she never had. Believe me there were times I left crying, but it all worked out in the end.
I would have more of a problem with your DH than your MIL. I truly do not feel that he took you into any consideration while at MIL's house.
For my kids...if they don't like it I tell them I will get them something to eat when after leave or when we get home. They have gotten to where they don't complain anymore, they just wait till we get home if needed.