Inlaws found new way to hurt me...

[RUDisney]

I've been following Atkins since September. I've lost 30 pounds and 2 dress sizes. I have no desire to go back to eating carbs. I love the energy I have without sugar pulling me down. It's funny. My one SIL is a dr. She has no problems with Atkins. All of the others think it is my way to undermine my DH's health. He only loads up on carbs on holidays. Then, his gastric system lets him know the error of his ways later that night.

 

[ScarlettO]

WEll....my MIL made 2 cakes and rice and gravy, but there were 3 types of meats and steamed veggies, so everyone who was dieting could choose something to eat.

But I really don't think a host is obligated to provide specific foods for everyone's diets....and I don't think eating carbs for one meal is this big disaster you're making it into. JMO

 

[kilee]

I don't get along w/ my MIL (or inlaws for that fact) either. However, I usually try to grin and bear it (anyone who read my recent trip reports know it happens most of the time). Anyhow, I guess I am lucky because we don't have to spend holiday's with them. She spends them w/ her boyfriend's family, and DH is estranged from his father (he didn't meet him until he was 16 and has only seen him a handful of times since).

I do get guilty when I get to thinking about it sometimes though. I would hate for my son to go on and marry any women that would "take him away" in a sense. I actually hope and pray often that he will find a girl that I can get along w/ wonderfully (he's only 11!!). So that there is no tension in our family.

 

[olena]

Oh dear......

 

[disykat]

I sympathize with your inlaw problems - I have them too. I also have a dh that doesn't get it. I hope you gave your dh heck for not making sure you had a chair.

Food problems are pretty easy to solve by bringing your own food, but it does seem pretty weird that no one cares whether you have a chair to sit on!

 

[AllyBri]

I went to sit by my DH at the table, but no one brought up the extra folding chairs. DH didn't notice that everyone but me had a seat. I ate at the counter, then went back to the living room with the kids.

May I ask?

How come your DH did not get a chair for you? So that you could sit at the table.
I cannot believe that you were allowed to eat by yourself at the counter.

 

[FINFAN]

I think we have clones for IL's....only DH is the youngest of 5 and ONLY boyrolleyes: what was I thinking?)so he is the one who shoulders all the responsibility of being there for his mom...I really wonder at times if DH realizes that he is teaching his kids that it's more important to put "grandma" first, before his own family or wife....It is a tough choice, but I believe our marriage vows said something like*foresaking all others* I guess that didn't include the groom's parentss. Sorry you had such an awful Easter..but very cool that you are free and clear 'till Thanksgiving! I was told I get to host Mother's Day (yet again)..we have to get together at least once a month. Pray we get the job in Cincinnati that we are hoping for....we need some distance!

Pam

 

[CourtasanSatine]

My DBF is having major problems with his BIL so I know the feeling.He's kept me in the loop and he'll only answer his cell if me or his roomates call,it's that bad

 

[MScott1851]

Glad for the clarification...I was wondering if you had some really strict dietary restrictions too...

I'm sure that there must be more going on than you posted..sometimes it's hard to express through writing what is really happening. Because my husbands family had food I absolutely hate on Easter, and I ate in the living room with the kids, but I don't think it's because they harbor a personal vendetta against me!

Either way, hope everything gets better for you, and next time, bring your own soda.. That's what we do when we go to MIL's house...and I don't always remember to stock diet stuff for her. But still no hard feelings..

 

[JayCT]

I am sorry to hear that so many have problems with their inlaws. It is sad that this happens, but there are two sides to every story. The best approach is to take the high road and always be pleasant, even to the point of being sickening. Smile, if they have a problem with you, your smile will only make them more miserable.

Also do NOT put your husband in the middle. It is not fair to him to make him choose. Too often, spouses feel that when you marry you can cut off the others family. You forget that they are what made the person you married what they are. The good and the bad. When you marry, you marry everything about that person. ACCEPT that there will be things that you don't like. Sometimes it makes for some very funny stories.

 

[Antonia]

If I were you I would just take my own diet soda and foods that you can eat. I don't think it is up to your MIL to provide low carbs for you.
I would also recommend asking for a chair. And then kill them with kindness. Don't stay off in another room. They probably like that. Be kind and join in the madness.

 

[hentob]

I will have to respectfully disagree with JayCT......The "DO NOT put your husband in the middle" comment made me wonder "Why not!?!??!".

I think her husband should have packed up his wife and kids and told his parents that they have treated his wife like dirt for the last time. I would be so hurt beyond words if everyone had a chair for Easter dinner and I had to stand. How bad is it that her children have to see their mother treated harshly over and over again? If I understand the OP correctly, this is an ongoing attitude with her in-laws.

The OP has put up with enough. These people are toxic.

Nope--I believe it is time for her husband to step in and put his foot down.

Just my opinion.....

Hentob

 

[winniedapooh]

Kind of DMIL and DFIL went off to Florida-not Disney with DH brother and wife and kids after I mentioned wanting to take them but could not afford to. They can afford to go but will not pay for a thing if they are invited along. So the day before they leave we go over to say goodbye and Happy Easter and so forth and she mentions that DH sister and her husband and kids and DSIL relatives will be going as well for a family reunion????? We were never even asked I felt worse for DH who also looked shocked. I am sorry for you, I would have had a headache too!

 

[ScarlettO]

Originally posted by hentob
I think her husband should have packed up his wife and kids and told his parents that they have treated his wife like dirt for the last time. I would be so hurt beyond words if everyone had a chair for Easter dinner and I had to stand. Hentob

I also believe there are 2 sides to every story. My MIL has a huge dining set-sits 8....but there are about 20 of us ...so eating at a counter or holding a plate in your lap is a done deal there.I NEVER think that it's my DH's "place" to find me somewhere to sit-everyone looks around and goes to an empty place=big whoopee! I think sometimes a person has to go the extra mile and be pleasant in these situations, and not put hubby in the middle.JMO

 

[tiggersmom2]

RUDisney,
I feel your pain. My MIL is the most evil and vile person on earth. She has hated me since day one for taking her little boy. It is a very long story and I don't want to hijack your thread.

All I can offer you is LOTS of hugs. , and to let you know I UNDERSTAND!!

 

[jacksonsmom]

I feel for you, I really do, my in-laws are the same way.
I am a vegetarian & they act like they don't know that. I learned that I just bring my own food for now one, along with food for DS AND DH.

My in-laws are rude & they also don't like that fact that DH is HAPPY with ME!

We haven't seen them since Christmas & that is fine by me. We probably won't see them until next Christmas (too soon for me)
MIL didn't even call her own son on his birthday to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!!! I don't know how a mother can do that, doesn't she know SHE is pushing him away?!?!?!

Of course she thinks I am the bad one

 

[4cruisin]

I learned that the only way to end all the garbage with my ils was to stop being the victim. After 10 years of marriage, I finally told my dh that I would never ask him to choose but that I was done with his family and would no longer be accompanying him on any visits to them. I could write a book about all the stuff I was put through and even though my dh and I have a fantastic marriage, it was very difficult at the time for him to admit that his family treated my terribly. His biological mom passed away when he was 7 and his father remarried a woman with 4 children. His step mother and sisters delighted in torturing me and the harder I tried to fit in, the worse it got.

I am cordial to his father when I see him. He is welcome in our house due to the fact he is my dh's father but as far as the rest of his family, I have no contact with them and my dh has very limited contact with them. His father is much more involved with his step children and my dh understands that it has nothing to do with him or me, it is his father's choice but I know it hurts my dh.

My suggestion to you is to explain to your husband that you would really like to begin a family tradition of holidays at home for your children. The four of you are a family and you wish to be in your own home for holidays as opposed to traveling around to visit people. Maybe you can compromise by inviting his mother for dessert or going out to dinner before the actual holiday so you are exposed to her for only limited time.

My life now is a lot less stressful and my dh is appalled at his lack of vision where his family was concerned and has apologized to me several times.

One note, when his stepmother was dying 10 years ago, she was in icu and we would visit her every day. ( I still had compassion for the woman) I would talk to her and feed her ice chips to try to make her more comfortable. I had missed a few visits in a row because of work and one time, she actually asked my dh were I was. I think it was her way of admitting she had judged me wrongly and was trying to make amends for it.

Good luck,
Nancy

 

[AllyBri]

Also do NOT put your husband in the middle. It is not fair to him to make him choose.


Choose?!?!
This is the woman that he promised to stand by for the rest of his life. I cannot imagine anyone treating my spouse with disrespect and me standing by and saying nothing.

 

[kadaten]

Originally posted by hentob
I will have to respectfully disagree with JayCT......The "DO NOT put your husband in the middle" comment made me wonder "Why not!?!??!".

I think her husband should have packed up his wife and kids and told his parents that they have treated his wife like dirt for the last time. I would be so hurt beyond words if everyone had a chair for Easter dinner and I had to stand. How bad is it that her children have to see their mother treated harshly over and over again? If I understand the OP correctly, this is an ongoing attitude with her in-laws.

The OP has put up with enough. These people are toxic.

Nope--I believe it is time for her husband to step in and put his foot down.

Just my opinion.....

Hentob

Ditto! Couldn't have said it better myself!

Luckily (not) it's not my inlaws that are (were) the problem...it's my mom. We've had a roller-coaster relationship for years, reconciled when I got engaged, but then she started the controlling junk again and I had to put my foot down. "I'm not 5. You will not run my life. I will make my own decisions. If you can live with that, then I'd love for you to be a part of my life. If you can't, please call me when you can." That particular visit (she was at my house) was AWFUL, but she understood I meant it and not only would she lose me, but any relationship with her (then) only granddaughter, and only chance for more (my brother is gay so no grandkids from him!). Mom shaped up and we now have regular visits....her to our home, and us to her town (hotel...no room for all of us).

As for the holidays....RUDisney....well, mine growing up were exactly like you described your DH's to be, and his were very Beaver Cleaver. When I met his family I just thought "this is how it was supposed to be all those years" and we've spent 95% of our holidays with them if we were traveling. If we're not traveling that year, we invite both my mom and DH's parents to our house and all is well....and I don't have to cart presents over 4 states!! We may go see my mom after the holiday (if we went to DH's), but I refuse to participate with her family's "celebrations" as they still turn into fighting matches. What's the point? Best Christmas I ever spent was the first one at DH's house....nooone fought, noone cried (sad tears, anyway), noone stormed out, and we didn't have to eat at the Waffle House to get away from the bickering

My advice to you is to start your own family celebrations and traditions. Invite everyone! Your parents, his, everybody! And it will be at your house and you can show them how a gracious host behaves and makes her guests feel welcome! It's a lot of work to host a holiday, but I think it's worth it! Especially if it will put an end to the vicious cycle that you're in with them!

Good luck!

 

[disykat]

As I've mentioned before, I have inlaw problems. My parents also had inlaw problems. My mom took herself out of the equation and totally refused to stick up for my dad with her parents. He was treated badly and my mom refused to deal with it. She thought by avoiding it she was keeping the peace. Her parents have been dead for 20 years now and it still haunts their marriage. As Dad is getting older he has sort of fixated on this - it festered for so many years without being dealt with. Everyone's life would have been so much better if she had just once told her parents that she was with Dad for the duration and to lay off him. My mom finally "gets it" after watching what I've gone through with my dh and his family - but it's hard to fix 30 years of misery and 20 more years of the memory of it.

I think as my dad has gotten more negative about things (I think that can be a common problem with the elderly), it has shown my dh that this is an issue he can't ignore with me - although he still tries. When you marry, your spouse becomes your primary concern. The hurt when your spouse lets his family treat you poorly is beyond measure.