Inappropriate (but safe) Jokes (foot in mouth disease)

[Maleficent Lives]

I work in an outpatient procedure area in a large hospital. My job is to check in patients, have them sign forms, then put an armband on them with their demographic information.

The other day a man came in and I was really tired, so I mostly followed my script. He was nervous and making up for it by joking. When I put his armband on he said "There, bagged and tagged!" Tired me, completely deadpan, replied without missing a beat "Sir, if we've bagged you, then we have done something terribly wrong." Clearly not the thing to say to a nervous patient. I immediately blushed scarlet and clamped my mouth shut. I would have crawled under the desk, but he started laughing at his own joke; he hadn't heard mine.

This sort of thing happens once a month or so. Usually right after lunch.

Anyway, share with the group: What are some of your mortifying moments of inappropriate jokes or statements?

 

[Handbag Lady]

There was this guy I worked with. He was young, hip, and all that. We joked around ALL the freaking time. And I mean really bad jokes that went bad places. He joked about me never getting promoted, about our salaries (he made about 1000% more than I did as he was an artist and I was an office person), about my weight, his dorky clothes, well, you get the picture.

He was married and came to work one day all excited because his wife was pregnant for the first time.

And I, in all of my funny glory, blurt out, "Oh, is it yours?"

Things changed after that. I can only think that I hit a nerve somehow as things were never the same. I honestly did NOT mean to imply it wasn't his. I meant to make a joke along the veins of where we went before.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

There was this guy I worked with. He was young, hip, and all that. We joked around ALL the freaking time. And I mean really bad jokes that went bad places. He joked about me never getting promoted, about our salaries (he made about 1000% more than I did as he was an artist and I was an office person), about my weight, his dorky clothes, well, you get the picture.

He was married and came to work one day all excited because his wife was pregnant for the first time.

And I, in all of my funny glory, blurt out, "Oh, is it yours?"

Things changed after that. I can only think that I hit a nerve somehow as things were never the same. I honestly did NOT mean to imply it wasn't his. I meant to make a joke along the veins of where we went before.

Too bad that hit a nerve because I think it's funny!

 

[laurie31]

On a floor where I used to work (this has been around 15 years ago) we had sleeper chairs for a family member to stay with the patient. It looked like a couch, and it folded out into a bed. Like a sleeper sofa, only for one person. And in no way did it unfold like any kind of sleeper sofa that anyone had ever run across. It was BIZARRE. We normally showed families how it worked when they got admitted, but sometimes we forgot, or sometimes a different family member would stay who hadn't seen the demo.

Anyway...one night this very well-dressed man came to the nurses' station, clearly very frustrated, and announced that he couldn't get his sleeper chair to unfold. I was trying to make light of it, meaning to let him know that he wasn't stupid for not being able to figure it out - NO ONE could figure out those chairs, so I said, "Oh, don't worry. You need a Master's Degree in Engineering to figure out how to unfold those things."

You guessed it. He was NOT amused. He looked at me with the Glare of Death and said, "I *have* a Master's Degree in Engineering."

*gulp*

 

[Sparx]

On a floor where I used to work (this has been around 15 years ago) we had sleeper chairs for a family member to stay with the patient. It looked like a couch, and it folded out into a bed. Like a sleeper sofa, only for one person. And in no way did it unfold like any kind of sleeper sofa that anyone had ever run across. It was BIZARRE. We normally showed families how it worked when they got admitted, but sometimes we forgot, or sometimes a different family member would stay who hadn't seen the demo.

Anyway...one night this very well-dressed man came to the nurses' station, clearly very frustrated, and announced that he couldn't get his sleeper chair to unfold. I was trying to make light of it, meaning to let him know that he wasn't stupid for not being able to figure it out - NO ONE could figure out those chairs, so I said, "Oh, don't worry. You need a Master's Degree in Engineering to figure out how to unfold those things."

You guessed it. He was NOT amused. He looked at me with the Glare of Death and said, "I *have* a Master's Degree in Engineering."

*gulp*

What are the odds!

 

[Cheshire Figment]

A few months ago a Guest came to my turnstile wearing a T-Shirt that said "I'm Grumpy Today Because You're Dopey". He put in a card which did not work. He took it and put it in again. I took it and showed him that what he put in was not a Disney ticket. As he was getting the actual ticket out of his wallet, I said to him: "And you're wearing the wrong shirt today". Actually, he did laugh at my comment.

 

[krcit]

This one still haunts me....


I was at the gym and chatting with a woman before a class. The instructor than announces that there would be equipment delivered during the class. I turn to the woman and jokingly say "I hope the delivery men are cute" She says "Ohm are you single?" I reply in a regretful tone "No, unfortunately. are you?" She says 'Yes" And I say "Lucky!!!!" to which she replies "I'm actually a widow. I lost my husband on 9/11." I wanted the floor to swallow me up!!! Thankfully, she was very gracious and realized that I was just being silly. She seemed to accept my apology. I still feel like crap about it.

 

[jfoofj]

I work in a hospital and wear scrubs to work. My mom was a patient in the hospital that I work in, so I was in visiting her on one of my days off, wearing regular clothes (jeans and a shirt). I got on the (crowded) elevator, and one of my co-workers did a double take then said "Oh, I almost didn't recognize you with clothes on." I turned beet red, then my co-worker realized what he said and he burst into hysterics, prompting me to burst into hysterics. I think the WHOLE elevator full of people thought I was a stripper!

 

[snapppyd]

My friend takes the cake. We worked in a bank and she dealt with the account for the Catholic Church. They had their own teller, a man named Martin.

One day Martin called in sick with SCIATICA. So a priest came in and asked where was Martin? My friend, in all her innocent 18 year old glory replied "Oh father, Martin is home sick with SYPHILLIS. The priest looked astounded, and she continued with "you know what that is, don't you Father?".

As the story got around all you could hear were howls of laughter throughout the bank

 

[paintnolish]

DH does it all the time- sometimes accidentally and sometimes on purpose. We entered the hardware store last night and the cashier asked if she could help us. DH told her he was looking for a screw. We honestly were- we had the light fixture that we needed it for with. He could have phrased it a little better. Pretty sure that one was on purpose!

 

[bigtinkfun]

This is one of my great boo-boos:

I was in the Science Fiction section of a large Barnes & Noble in Manhattan, looking for a copy of The Man In The High Castle, a well-known novel by a great science fiction author whose works should appear on the shelves of any reasonably competent bookstore. I looked through the shelves, and they not only don't have the novel I'm looking for, but they don't have anything by the author I'm looking for, which I found frustrating, and kind of unbelievable.

A nice young man comes up to me and asks, "Are you finding what you're looking for?"

"You have no Dick!" I answered.

Would that the floor had opened up and swallowed me. I was, of course, talking about Philip K. Dick.

 

[snapppyd]

This is one of my great boo-boos:

I was in the Science Fiction section of a large Barnes & Noble in Manhattan, looking for a copy of The Man In The High Castle, a well-known novel by a great science fiction author whose works should appear on the shelves of any reasonably competent bookstore. I looked through the shelves, and they not only don't have the novel I'm looking for, but they don't have anything by the author I'm looking for, which I found frustrating, and kind of unbelievable.

A nice young man comes up to me and asks, "Are you finding what you're looking for?"

"You have no Dick!" I answered.

Would that the floor had opened up and swallowed me. I was, of course, talking about Philip K. Dick.

OMG!

 

[lovesmurfs]

When I was growing up, we often ordered carry out pizza from a local place. When Mom would order, she often had trouble remembering SICILIAN style pizza.

One time she ordered a "CAESARIAN". After a moment, the guy's response was, "Lady, we don't do that here." She was mortified!

 

[PUZZLDY5]

Not my boo boo but my sons.
My son is learning to drive. We often joke back and forth about men and woman's driving skills. So we were in the car one day and he was driving. He made a slight mistake and I called him on it. He said "Don't talk to me about driving. You can't drive you're a woman. W-O-M-N-A."
I'm a what?

 

[kirbydog48]

I was at the fish market wanting to buy some squid to make a calamari dish. When I was ordering, I wanted to say "please don't give me a lot of tentacles", but it came out "please don't give me a lot of testicles". Luckily I knew the guy, and we were both hysterical.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

This is my kind of thread!

 

[Katieinwonderland]

A friend of mine was infamous for getting her words mixed up!

She worked in a bakery that sold muffins, and everyone always commented on how big they were (these things were HUGE!) So one day a man came in and commented on how big the muffins were - she meant to jokingly say "yeah, they've been genetically modified"......

.....she actually said "yeah, they've been artificially inseminated!!!" She said the man looked horrified and ordered something else, and it wasn't until later she'd realised what she'd done!

 

[~disneydiva~]

I knew I shouldn't of read these at work!

 

[dcentity2000]

Calling a woman "sir". Repeatedly.



Rich::

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Calling a woman "sir". Repeatedly.



Rich::

Like Pat from the old Saturday Night Live skits?