Inappropriate (but safe) Jokes (foot in mouth disease)

[laurie31]

These are all hilarious, but the sci/fi one and the period one made me LOL!

As for foot-in-mouth, I've done that too.

About 10 years ago, the hispanic population in this area increased exponentially, and all the nurses were given little pocket phrase books with Spanish medical phrases. So I was trying to learn to say some pertinent things in Spanish and was very proud of myself when I asked about a patient's intake for my shift without using a translator. That is, UNTIL I told a friend, who is from Chile, what I had said. She absolutely DIED laughing. When she could finally talk, she told me what I had ACTUALLY said to the poor woman, and I was mortified!

I had intended to ask how many times during my shift had she nursed her baby. What I actually asked her was how many breasts she had.

(and yes, the mother had looked at me very oddly, and held up two fingers. And...I charted that the baby had nursed twice! )

 

[gshanny]

My DH was doing some work and I heard some weird hammering noises and went to investigate. I asked him why he was hammering like that and here is his reply. Do you know how hard it is to bang something when you are only working with a few inches? Our friend looked at me and we looked at DH and everyone started laughing. BTW he was installing an electric box between two extremely close 2x4's.
I was working at a sporting event and our group also had a beer portable. We always tried our best to keep the head to a minimum. One of the ladies was working and she proudly announced to the guy there was no head on the beer. He told her he liked it though. She promptly told if he wanted head she was going to give him head. Everyone started laughing, she turned red, ducked behind the portable and refused to come out until the guy left.
As a teen I had really short hair and wore baggy clothes at times. Twice I was called a boy. One was the Vice Principal and he realized it as soon as I spoke. The other guy realized it as he grabbed the front of my shirt when he was joking around that I was stealing his girl. I loved the looks on both of their faces.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

A couple down the street from us always decorates their house for Halloween. Last year we were walking by during the day while they were putting everything up so we stopped to take a look. The woman was showing me some of the things they were putting up including a bunch of little stuffed aliens. I commented that they were cute and she said she got them from her first husband. I jokingly said, "At least you got something out of the marriage." She said, "Well, actually, he died." I immediately apologized and felt like crawling under a rock! At least she was nice about it!

 

[Becky2005]

What I actually said was, "The adult movies are in the bedroom"

I said something similar to this AT CHURCH!!!! We were in Sunday School and I made a comment about it was nice to get to watch Adult TV that week.

Of course, right after it came out of my mouth I was dying laughing because I obviously spent 90% of my time watching preschool tv -- it just sounded bad. Luckily, nearly everyone in the class knew what I meant but we all got a chuckle out of it.

 

[wdwmom2]

I work in a doctor's office. About a month ago I answered the phone. I normally say, "Hi, this is Sharon, how can I help you". But I was in the middle of something and wanted to put them on hold to finish it. So instead I said, "Hi, this is Sharon, how can I hold you" . The nice gentleman on the other end said, "Anyway you like, darling"!!!!!! He probably wondered what kind of business we were running!

BTW, these are all great!!!!!

 

[Toad_Passenger]

In the middle of a crowded office, my Mother asked her boss if she spent the beautiful weekend riding around with her, "top off."

Of course she meant top DOWN on her convertible, but by then everyone in the office was cracking up!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I work in a doctor's office. About a month ago I answered the phone. I normally say, "Hi, this is Sharon, how can I help you". But I was in the middle of something and wanted to put them on hold to finish it. So instead I said, "Hi, this is Sharon, how can I hold you" . The nice gentleman on the other end said, "Anyway you like, darling"!!!!!! He probably wondered what kind of business we were running!

BTW, these are all great!!!!!

LOL too funny.

That reminded me of when I was in high school and worked at McDonald's. I was working the drive through where we are supposed to say, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?" Instead I said, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your money, please?"

 

[ElizK]

Love all these stories. I'm cringing right along with quite a few of you!

My DD18 told us this last night:
A friend of her's in one of her classes had just lost his grandmother that week. She kind of forgot. He was telling a very inappropriate joke in class, and she asked him if he would tell his grandmother that joke. He said, "No, because my grandmother died last week." She wanted to crawl under the
table. Poor kid.

 

[izzy]

I work at a university, and I've been on various IT-related committees where we've talked about ways to authenticate people who were using our computer systems. In many of these meetings, we've discussed retinal scanning as a way we might be able to do this in the future. Well, we were in a meeting talking about a specific system and how we were going to authenticate the users. That's when one of the women at the meeting said, "Until we get those rectal scanners, I guess we'll have to stick with userid's and passwords."

You could have heard a pin drop for about 3 seconds before everyone realized what she said and then busted out laughing! Then we got to speculating where these rectal scanners should be placed, and we finally decided on our chairs. By that afternoon, the story had made it all across campus, and to this day (11 years later) we still ask this woman if the rectal scanners are being used yet.

 

[cherbear]

loving these!! The "didn't recognize you with clothes on" stories are priceless!! I'm sure I've done a few things like the "I need a screw" story


Bookstore one killed me!! I was practically on the floor reading that one!!

rectal scanners..


If anything specific pops in my head I'll come back and post!

 

[starrzone]

I swear, I'm not making these up...I guess when you talk as much as I do, you tend to make more "faux pas" than a regular person!

My parents were having a holiday gathering, and had invited several of their friends, all of whom I know. One lady, Dee, had lost her husband quite recent;y to a very sudden heart attack. Well, a friend of mine had come to the gathering, and he is a Customer Service agent for a major airline. We got to talking about his funny work stories (boy, does he ever have a lot!), and he told me one about these 2 women who were vacationing overseas with their elderly mother. One of them called and asked my friend if her mother's ticket would still be good if she died while on vacation and they needed to take her home to get buried! Back to the party- I said, jokingly, "Oh, yes, she can prop Mom up beside her and fly her home!" I forgot that Dee was sitting right beside me, and I felt AWFUL! A quick exit was made...

 

[Liberty Belle]

This isn't a foot in the mouth thing, but one of these posts reminded me...

When my grandpa died we were all at the funeral home and the family was talking about getting together that weekend to support my grandmother, etc and my cousin asked what food dish she could bring. My grandmother said they'd have enough and told her she didn't need to bring anything. My cousin insisted, so my grandmother said, "well, you could bring a pan cake." My cousin said, "Just one?" Quickly everyone realized the cousin thought my grandmother meant a pancake (hot cake) instead of a cake baked in a long pan. Laughter ensued, and while inappropriate at the funeral home, it was something everyone needed.

And, I've told this story on here before, but when I was in jr high, my very blonde stepbrother lived with us. He answered the phone one day and the caller asked for Mr. Boyd. My stepbrother said (rather stupidly, since he was only 16), "this is Mr. Boyd." The caller obviously could tell she was talking to a young person so she said, "Senior?" To which my stepbrother answered, "No, sophomore." He was dead serious.

 

[cherbear]

When I was a teenager, my dad and I went to rent a movie. We got home and the movie inside the case was NOT the movie we had rented.

My dad and I went back into Blockbuster and my dad says to the CSA:
"We tried to rent The Family Man, but we got Screwed!"

We had actually received the movie "Screwed" (2000) with Norm MacDonald.

I think it was funnier to me back then, as a teen. But still kinda funny today

 

[Liberty Belle]

When I was a teenager, my dad and I went to rent a movie. We got home and the movie inside the case was NOT the movie we had rented.

My dad and I went back into Blockbuster and my dad says to the CSA:
"We tried to rent The Family Man, but we got Screwed!"

We had actually received the movie "Screwed" (2000) with Norm MacDonald.

I think it was funnier to me back then, as a teen. But still kinda funny today

 

[krcit]

This isn't a foot in the mouth thing, but one of these posts reminded me...

When my grandpa died we were all at the funeral home and the family was talking about getting together that weekend to support my grandmother, etc and my cousin asked what food dish she could bring. My grandmother said they'd have enough and told her she didn't need to bring anything. My cousin insisted, so my grandmother said, "well, you could bring a pan cake." My cousin said, "Just one?" Quickly everyone realized the cousin thought my grandmother meant a pancake (hot cake) instead of a cake baked in a long pan. Laughter ensued, and while inappropriate at the funeral home, it was something everyone needed.

And, I've told this story on here before, but when I was in jr high, my very blonde stepbrother lived with us. He answered the phone one day and the caller asked for Mr. Boyd. My stepbrother said (rather stupidly, since he was only 16), "this is Mr. Boyd." The caller obviously could tell she was talking to a young person so she said, "Senior?" To which my stepbrother answered, "No, sophomore." He was dead serious.

"No, sophomore."

 

[Aisling]

When I was growing up, we often ordered carry out pizza from a local place. When Mom would order, she often had trouble remembering SICILIAN style pizza.

One time she ordered a "CAESARIAN". After a moment, the guy's response was, "Lady, we don't do that here." She was mortified!

This has me in stitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Reminds me of my grandmother when we went to the hair salon on my wedding day. She was supposed to ask for a blow dry! Poor gramma!!!

 

[Buckalew11]

Haha! Love these!

I'm a police dispatcher and we work from the jail. When female inmates come in, we have to go back to shower them out (basically watch them shower the first time, make sure they aren't hiding stuff in strange places). We had been busy one night and there hadn't been anyone to sit at the radio while I went back there. Finally a couple of the deputies came in so I could go. I got on the radio and asked the jailer "Do you want me to come back and DO that female now?" Of course the 5 guys there knew exactly what I was trying to say, but thought it was freaking hilarious. I wanted to crawl in a hole.

I say this all the time. "I do her", "I do him". Heck, "I do that whole family!!"
I *do* hair!!

This has me in stitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Reminds me of my grandmother when we went to the hair salon on my wedding day. She was supposed to ask for a blow dry! Poor gramma!!!

I had a lot of older women come into the shop and tell me they wanted a blow___ instead of a blowdry back when I started do hair in '83. It was still new territory for many of them and they got the words confused. I was 18 and it was hysterical to me.

 

[cherbear]

This has me in stitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Reminds me of my grandmother when we went to the hair salon on my wedding day. She was supposed to ask for a blow dry! Poor gramma!!!

caesearian.....stitches....

was that done on purpose?

 

[Aisling]

caesearian.....stitches....

was that done on purpose?

I punned without realizing it!

 

[cherbear]

I punned without realizing it!

I totally thought that had to be on purpose. It was just too dang good!