Inappropriate (but safe) Jokes (foot in mouth disease)

[amyjo920]

Haha! Love these!

I'm a police dispatcher and we work from the jail. When female inmates come in, we have to go back to shower them out (basically watch them shower the first time, make sure they aren't hiding stuff in strange places). We had been busy one night and there hadn't been anyone to sit at the radio while I went back there. Finally a couple of the deputies came in so I could go. I got on the radio and asked the jailer "Do you want me to come back and DO that female now?" Of course the 5 guys there knew exactly what I was trying to say, but thought it was freaking hilarious. I wanted to crawl in a hole.

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

The male assistant band director loudly asked a bus filled with girls, "Anyone have a pad?" After the dead silence and a few "uhs," he turned beet red and clarified "OF PAPER! OF PAPER! PAD OF PAPER!"

I have also referred to some of my zero-point assignments as "pointless assignments." But that play on words is simply to see who's awake.

 

[ajwomic]

A lady at work came in talking about how cold it was and how she spent all evening laying on the sofa with her African. She meant afghan (Blanket).
AW

 

[minkydog]

I worked in a doctors office and part of my job was writing out referrals for labs, xrays and other tests(this was back before computers.) This gentleman needed an xray because he had presented with some breathing problems. I wrote on the slip " Chest xrays. Reason: SOB" SOB is shorthand for shortness of breath. My patient didn't notice it until he actually got to the facility to have the xray. When he saw "SOB" he can roaring up to the office madder than a bull! I had some 'splainin to do

 

[starrzone]

I'm loving these!

In Grade 10, most of us were taking Physics for the first time. The teacher was a young man who was probably in his mid/late-thirties. We were starting a new unit in class one day, and he asked the class "Does anyone know another meaning for 'period' other than the one at the end of a sentence?" Of course, there were lots of shuffles, laughter and funny looks. The poor man turned beet red, looked embarrassed and said "Well, I guess I'll give you the answer- it has to do with the property of a wave."

 

[Liberty Belle]

This is one of my great boo-boos:

I was in the Science Fiction section of a large Barnes & Noble in Manhattan, looking for a copy of The Man In The High Castle, a well-known novel by a great science fiction author whose works should appear on the shelves of any reasonably competent bookstore. I looked through the shelves, and they not only don't have the novel I'm looking for, but they don't have anything by the author I'm looking for, which I found frustrating, and kind of unbelievable.

A nice young man comes up to me and asks, "Are you finding what you're looking for?"

"You have no Dick!" I answered.

Would that the floor had opened up and swallowed me. I was, of course, talking about Philip K. Dick.

Hilarious!

When my best friend was getting married, her nephew (who has cerebral palsy and because of it an awkward gait) was her ring bearer. During the rehearsal, he started walking down the isle and her mother in law (to be) turned to her and said, "I hope he doesn't walk like that during the wedding!" My friend said, "Um, he probably will. He has cerebral palsy." Didn't seem to phase her mother in law, but I would have died of embarrassment.

 

[Liberty Belle]

The male assistant band director loudly asked a bus filled with girls, "Anyone have a pad?" After the dead silence and a few "uhs," he turned beet red and clarified "OF PAPER! OF PAPER! PAD OF PAPER!"

I have also referred to some of my zero-point assignments as "pointless assignments." But that play on words is simply to see who's awake.

Oh my gosh! How funny.

And how clever of you.

 

[Maleficent Lives]

I should have titled this thread foot in mouth disease since that was my original intent, but apparently, threads are not able to be retitled. Also, I can't be blamed for anything that happens after I've had more than six homemade oatmeal cookies.

Anywho, great stories everyone! Thanks for some much needed schadenfreude.

Oh, and Handbag Lady, I love your second tag. You should come meet my family, you would fit right in.

 

[TN Hockey Mom]

I work for a Pediatric physician's office. Let me start by saying I think someone should oversee what people are allowed to name their children and how they spell it (we actually have a doctor from another country and they do just that-it has to be on an approved list or you have to fill out paperwork for permission to give your child a name not on the list).

I have found in my 10 years working here that people come up with the craziest ways to spell their kids names. A horrible habit is to use an apostrophe instead of a vowel (ex. instead of Makenzie it might be M'K'N'Z). We're seeing many different names using this new way of spelling.

Well, one day, we were short staffed and I decided to help out the front office by calling to reschedule some appointments due to a doctor going to be out of the office (I'm the Billing Mgr).

I called a patients home with one of these crazy spelled names. An answering machine picks up and I accidentally said exactly what I was thinking. Instead of saying "This is So and So with Dr. So and So's office calling because we need to reschedule your childs appointment", I said "This is So and So with Dr. So and So's office calling because you need to respell your childs name!" I immediately realized what I had said and quickly changed it to reschedule the appointment, however, it was too late. I had already said it outloud and it had been recorded.

The patients doctor overheard me and asked me why I didn't just hang up. I reminded him it wouldn't have done any good. I had already stated my name and his. Luckily, he actually thought it was pretty funny. He said that I had probably told them exactly what a lot of people are thinking when they see the way they have decided to spell that poor child's name.

They eventually came in for another appointment, however, they never mentioned the call they had received.

 

[buckler]

Years ago I was the only woman working in the area of a factory I worked at. It was VERY much a man's world there, but I was the foreman so all the men worked for me . I heard a lot of off color stuff but on the other hand the guys did a good job for me. The maintenance guys always responded to my job requests before the jobs for the male foremen.

One night I was in the control room with some of the hourly guys during dinner break. One of the men had a wife that sent him to work with the nicest meals every evening. Another man came into the control room and didn't realize I was there because I was behind his view. He loudly commented that the man with the good food must sure get some ***** at home.

The other men were a bit embarrassed and looked to see my reaction. I decided to have some fun and let out a "MEOW". The man twirled around and turned bright red and apologized. The guys meowed at him the rest of the night.

 

[starrzone]

Oooh, I just remembered one of my "foot in mouth" work moments!

The summer I was 15, I went on a work-exchange program to an area of Quebec that was practically 100% French-speaking. I have been learning French since I was 5, and spoke pretty darn good French when I was 15. My province is bilingual, so I'm used to seeing lots of different first names.

Anyhow, part of my job was to go call clients in the waiting room when their order was ready. I was given a piece of paper with the name, and this one paper said "Jean". My grandmother is named Jean, so I guess it was a slip of the mind when I went out and called "Madame Jean, votre ordre est prêt (Ms Jean, your order is ready)". What had slipped my mind was that in French, Jean is a man's name...and I had called this very good-looking guy a "she" in a waiting room full of people! It doesn't sound so bad now, but at 15 I was absolutely mortified!

 

[Handbag Lady]

I should have titled this thread foot in mouth disease since that was my original intent, but apparently, threads are not able to be retitled. Also, I can't be blamed for anything that happens after I've had more than six homemade oatmeal cookies.

Anywho, great stories everyone! Thanks for some much needed schadenfreude.

Oh, and Handbag Lady, I love your second tag. You should come meet my family, you would fit right in.

Why, thank you!


And you can edit the title. I don't know how, but it can be done.

 

[starrzone]

And you can edit the title. I don't know how, but it can be done.

When you click on "Edit" in your post, choose "Go advanced". There is an option above the message to change the title. Took me ages to figure that out!

 

[Handbag Lady]

When you click on "Edit" in your post, choose "Go advanced". There is an option above the message to change the title. Took me ages to figure that out!

All these years and I did NOT know that! Thanks!

 

[Jennasis]

Better still, on th main page of the CB, double click NEXT to the thread title (not on it) and a box will appear where the title goes. You can modify the title there and hit enter after.

 

[Lintasare]

I was having lunch with a friend one day and she was telling me about how a laptop she had given to her MIL had died after only a month. Now this was a fairly new laptop only a year old or so. The MIL had it a month and it would not power up or anything, nada. And the MIL would not say what happened.

So I made a comment about how she could ask Emmanuel her BIL but he probably won't say anything either. Then I stopped and facepalmed myself. Emmanuel is profoundly deaf and can't talk at all. Luckily she thought it was funny and laughed but boy did I feel horrible.

 

[ginna74]

was in the navy when this happened. I was in a new department and didn't know everyones name yet....there was a person with the last name of urita...(petty officer) and I think I was in a hurry and he asked me something and I answered and said "petty officer URETHRA"....I just remember him being really tall and looking down at me with a smile and corrected me and I appologized. I am still embarrassed to this day.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

These are great! Here's mine:

About eight years ago, my son was about five years old, and we had a pretty good collection of kid's movies. One day my brother (adult) was over fixing my computer, and he commented that he'd like to borrow a few movies from me.

What I meant to say was that if he was interested in a more grown-up selection, such as action/thriller/comedy, I had those movies elsewhere.

What I actually said was, "The adult movies are in the bedroom"

 

[MM27]

My mom had one similar to a previous poster happen to her. We used to belong to a beach/pool club when I was little and spent all day, every day there in the summer. My mom had a part time job at night in a retail store. A man got on her line and said hello and started talking to her. She recognized the face but couldn't place where she knew him from. I guess he realized that and said, "I'm Bill from the beach club" She responded with, "I didn't recognize you with clothes on"


I get so annoyed when kids bounce the balls in the hallway after recess on the way back to the classroom. It's usually the boys bouncing the kickballs. One day I turned around and yelled out, "Boys, hold your balls. I don't want to hear them hit the floor again" I didn't even realize what I had said but my 4th graders thought it was great.

 

[ElizK]

Years ago, my mom and I visited Mexico City. We were trying to walk to our destination, map in hand. We'd stopped to try to figure out our route, and a very nice police officer asked if he could help. My mom said, "We're looking for Hombres." The cop looked shocked, and said, "Lady! You know what you say???" And we showed him on the map were we were trying to go... Homberes street. It wasn't until after we were on our way that we realized she had just told this cop that we were looking for MEN! She was horrified, but we were laughing so hard we were causing a scene.