In Search of my Body...Not The One I ate...#3 "Crowning Goddesses As We Go"

[goofyfan-12]

Hi Gang....

Nothing to report on the coat shopping... Tried one coat on at LL Bean and I didn't like the way it fit (it was a men's size - they don't have my size in the stores, but I can order them) so I am still looking... I'll keep you posted...

Liz - thanks for the wake up call... I have been so off the wagon this week that I can't even see it on the trail anymore... Only worked out once, have been eating cookies and carbs like there is no tomorrow... I feel awful... TOM arrived last night so that explains the cookie eating, but yuck... I feel all sorts of bloated and generally crappy and I don't think it is from TOM... it is from not exercising and eating crap... Tomorrow is a new day and it is day one of my being back on track.... I am going to exercise tomorrow if it kills me.... So Liz - thanks for the kick in the @ss... I really needed it...

This chick is off to do some laundry... I'll check in later,
Paula

 

[lisaviolet]

Hey guys,

I have something very wonderful to share. And yet I'm crying. I thought I stayed off last week because of being busy. And after my second yummy bean burrito I realized that's not true. I had something wonderful to share with you all. Just as important, and exciting and wonderful, as Liz' before and afters, Erika signing up for the races - all our accomplishments. Not more important for sure. Not less important. But just as important - in my own way.

And yet I just couldn't do it. And it's not because of my feelings about it. It's about my fear that it can't be treated like a regular accomplishment. As simple and wonderful as any other. Because in order to tell you about it all - I have to talk about sexual abuse. And it pisses me off royally that I feel the need to hesitate - not because of my feelings at all. It's fine there. I feel no shame to say. No fear to say it. It is what it is. No different that my hair is reddish brown. Or that I was a good student. It is what it is. And as part of me. It sometimes will come up in my future. That's just a fact. It affected who I am. Choices for me. And where I'm going. And sometimes that's bad. And sometimes that's good. And I know we all have something - even abuse. It's not about me being separate. But this is about me not denying happy moments because I must talk about sad ones to celebrate. I hate denying it - because it stops me from fully celebrating - from fully being. I'm not writing for pity or anything remotely like that. I'm writing to share with those who have been so wonderful - a wonderful moment that I've worked hard to accomplish. And I want to brag and share.

Once again I have no hesistation or fear or shame. I just fear you and you seeing this a certain way. And that's not about you. It's about me and my insecurities. My sh!t. It might seem so incredibly personal to some of you. But I assure you that the outcome is both as thrilling and as simple as any of your accomplishments.


Anyway, one of the most lasting memories I have is my uncle playing out our wedding night. I have a lot of buried memories but that one stays strong. The whole play up. Quite the set up. Outiside the door coming in to meet him. I'm sure it was fun in some ways and not so traumatic. (EDIT: I realize that sounds warped. It is an assault. It is traumatic. But to a child the premise is different - playing wedding night - playing - that's what I meant) But it affected much. Of course.

I've spent my entire life not caring about girl things. Weddings. Engagements. I knew intuitively I would never be married. Always knew. Didn't feel a thing for girlfriends. Was supportive and loving. But it always felt so void of anything. Totally void. But I never thought. Just thought it was me - my personality. Or attached to my perceived sexuality. I always thought it was me. As I've started on my path of healing - things have changed so much. I never wore a stitch of makeup and now I will once in awhile etc. etc. But I had a huge huge moment last week.

I've been glued to "Say Yes to the Dress" for months. Glued. And I thought "well I don't know" - it's just a show - tv. But I thought "wow that's weird". I had just sat week after week. Just watching. Just transfixed not really understanding what someone like me saw in it. My twenty year old niece is getting married. And she had this veil that she is just thinking about - probably not using it - just a practice thing. She was putting it on the other night and on my father - taking pictures. And I had a moment of "hey put it on me" - but it didn't come out of me. It was like a primal yell not released. And I thought what the fu#$. What is that?

And last week as I sat there watching another yet another episode of "Say Yes to the Dress" and tears of joy and sadness just flowed suddenly. Out of the blue. Something has healed. Something has shifted. My hard work has paid off in spades. I am no longer void and afraid. Something has really, really shifted. And my life is less and less his. As creepy as that sounds. Oh, my life is my life. Don't get me wrong. I'm talking about taking some things back. And I'm rolling along these days.

It was a magical and beautiful moment for me. A great accomplishment.

And no I'm not suddenly bridezilla. Or so wanting to be a bride or married. I"m just a tad more open to life. To me. And who I was really underneath it all.

Who the heck knows what the future holds for me. Could be a myriad of possibilities. It has been very lonely to go places I simply didn't want to. It felt like a crock of crap and more pain for all my hard work. As in this is the gift? But one has to walk through pain sometimes to see what's there.

Thank you for listening everyone. The fact is sometimes my accomplishments come with difficult tag lines. And I need to be okay with that.

Lisa

 

[SeptemberGirl]

Lisa - you are so freaking amazing. There are twenty more things I want to say about this post, but I feel like I should just say that and let it be, let it sink in and be true.

You are so freaking amazing.

I am so proud of you.


xoxo

 

[lisaviolet]

Lisatoo funny... (I can edit my post if you want). I carry most of my excess weight in my belly, hips. So I wear clothes that kind of hide that fact and highlight my better attributes..

Amy. It's my habit. To be brave. And then edit. edit. edit because I feel way too vunerable. I was actually thinking of editing my last post and then Liz saved me by replying. Whew. Thanks Liz. It's like I want to vunerable and then can't hold it.

I love your shape. You can look so damn cute with legs like that and still hide what you perceive is off. I'm the opposite to you. Big legs and arms. What the heck am I supposed to do? Wear a belly shirt at 41 because my core is good. Ummm nope.

I guess we all want what we don't have. I would kill for legs like yours.

Heya... not quite 70 lbs lost yet... close but not quite... TOM is in town so it'll prolly be next week that it finally gets there... I don't see those places as doing bad individually... I see em as bad when I eat them all in 1 weekend... LOL... I am working on self control... really I am... LOL!

It's close, isn't it? I know I saw 70. So you must be an almost for sure. Yeah for you Sarah. I laughed and laughed at your all in one weekend,.

As promised here is a pic of Pee-Wee in his little Halloween shirt he hates... LOL... Its a terrible pic of me too but here it is:

uummm Cute. Both of you. Cute.

This one is hub and Pee-Wee sleeping... yes that is a purple fish cat toy but Pee-Wee loves it!

Cute again.

Hello all -

Claiming thread bankruptcy here,

So...at the beginning of the month I self-claimed a goddess crown because I was 10% down - then promptly ate my way out of it. I think I freaked out a bit...stopped exercising every day...ate too much bad stuff... So I'm 3-5 lbs above that number right now. But I'm holding.

And I'm having several crisises (crises?) at work. Both practical (&$*# seat keeps failing it's test) and professional (interesting 2-year 'leadership development' opportunity, same company, requires 40% travel and a new office that's 80 minutes from home). And at home. DD doesn't like it when I travel...DH thinks that I think he's a bad SAHD because I feel guilty when she and he don't thrive when I'm gone. And we are have now diverged into separate ways of dealing with child behaviour issues.

So...when I'm stressed I eat and sleep. And stop doing everything else.

I need to get back on the wagon. I haven't been doing anything. No water. No exercise. Limited portion control. I was working on C25K, but have no idea where to re-start.

I know that no one will admit to it, but does anyone watch Entertainment Tonight? I don't. But Monday night I turned on the TV to see John Travolta dressed up in his pilot's uniform (He's an ambassador for Qantas.). He was sitting in MY SEATS! Well, not 'mine'...but the ones I poured my blood/sweat/life into. SO...John Travolta has sat in the same seat I did... Because one way or another I've sat in every seat in first class that's now on that airplane. I hollered for DH to come (like my life depended on it) and then taped the show.

Deb

Hang in there Deb. Just hop back on. You've already been so successful. Your career is so interesting to me.

I'll admit it. But it's not ET it's Access Hollywood for me.

Hi all. I had Bible Study again this Friday morning. Now I am working (in my head) on a halloween parade float for tomorrow night. It was supposed to be simple, but my head won't stop ticking with ideas. It's going to be a long night.


[COLOR]

Oh this is so my brain. So my brain.

I am definitely easily amused...

So...I hurt myself tonight...drinking, eating, drinking, talking while eating/drinking....laughing/talking/drinking/eating/drinking.....I did something to my jaw. Honestly. I think I dislocated it...it really hurts...even thru all that drinking.

waaahhhh... I think I need more....drinking...

You are one funny woman!!!!!!!!!! Hope the jaw is better though.

OH Just 62 days till Christmas! that is just 61 more shoppung days!

Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa. Halloween please!!!!

Don't wear the pants. Don't even take the pants. They are perfect. So what? It would be perfect to take a rolling suitcase into the parks but you are not doing that.

Take a light bag to hold all your doodads. Your kids are old enough you don't need tons.

Wear shorts or capris that will flatter your awesome new set of legs. You worked WAY too hard to hide them and then cringe over the pictures later.

When you were in boot camp where you imagining maintenance pants in the park? No. You were thinking, hot mama pants.

Your welcome J.

Good straight no bull advice.

Um... weren't you all telling me not to buy the boring work jacket and to get something cute????

Erika - bring the hot mama pants.... you worked hard so now you get to flaunt it.... oh and have fun at the triathalon.... we will want a full report of course...

You guys were on fire last night.... hi-lar-ious....

I am off to get some laundry done and then off to do some coat shopping.... Here's hoping I can find something cute and functional....

talk to you later,
Paula

So whatcha get?

I'd love to do a triathlon myself ...but there's just one catch. I don't think they'll allow me to wear my orange "swimmy" things....or use a noodle during the swim portion.

Did I mention that I'm not a real swimmer???

Try it. Try it. Pictures, please.

I went to buy new pj's yesterday and I got mediums and they FIT. A MEDIUM. Size 8-10. No kidding. This is like super HOMG to me.

Kat - get your sweet talking a$$ back on here. ASAP. No excuse.
)

Yeah for you Liz!

Yes Kat! Get back on. I had this nagging feeling like something was missing here. Some kind of dynamic really really missing. Kat? Hope you're having fun.

Lisa - you are so freaking amazing. There are twenty more things I want to say about this post, but I feel like I should just say that and let it be, let it sink in and be true.

You are so freaking amazing.

I am so proud of you.


xoxo

Thanks Liz. xoxo back at you.

And I am proud of me too. It's a huge step. You say the word abuse and you feel instantly different even though it affects so many of us. And some think drama or pity when all I want is to talk about my own flippin' life. Just what is. What is going on. Openly.

It's like getting kicked twice to hesitate or for others to put their feelings/apprehension on me. And I refuse, so flippin' refuse, to deny the great because my perception how the background plays out.

Thank you so much. I'm so flippin' thrilled. Really.

Lisa

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

I want to see pictures of this parade. What did they end up being?

They were just them. On a 4H float. Throwing candy. They loved it. Our town comes out big for the halloween parade. It's fun.

You know, I am always done Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving, too.

Ok. What is up with you guys having Christmas done! As much as I am irritated, I'm also inspired.

Hey guys,

I have something very wonderful to share.

Lisa, whew. You are ON!! Go you. You know we each have our crosses to bear and sounds like yours is so much lighter. And as your friend, I couldn't be happier for you!

Lisa - you are so freaking amazing. There

WORD.

 

[lisaviolet]

Ok. What is up with you guys having Christmas done! As much as I am irritated, I'm also inspired.

Oh crap. I thought I was highlighting the parade. Oh well, loved hearing about it. Sounds like fun.

[
Lisa, whew. You are ON!! Go you. You know we each have our crosses to bear and sounds like yours is so much lighter. And as your friend, I couldn't be happier for you!



WORD.

Thanks Lyz. I know the absolute truth. Crosses to bear - all of us.

I am happy as well. Sometimes it all gets me down - not "it" so much - but the effects which a lot don't understand - including me at times. Or some don't want to because it triggers their own crap which they don't take responsibility for their own stuff. It actually didn't play much in my life - I just went on with life. Until I broke. I mean geez I didn't realize until about five years ago how much my thought process is because of it. Mostly sometimes things seem slow to plow through. Or I feel lost.

But this was so lovely for me. A big change. Thanks. I have to thank you all. This thread has been such a comfort to me and a place to take some chances with vunerability.

Lovely.

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

Until I broke.

I don't want to focus on the negative, cause this is a good place/time for you, but this sentence really spoke to me.

 

[SeptemberGirl]

I don't want to focus on the negative, cause this is a good place/time for you, but this sentence really spoke to me.

YES. Like one day I was working, and then one day I wasn't. Never in top condition, but I could go on. Until I couldn't. And I had to find my way back.

But when you know it, you can fix it. That's the best part.

Thank God we get to start again, and again, and we get to change. Thank God we get to change.

 

[BrcsDisneyPrncs]

I GOT IN! I GOT IN GOT IN GOT IN!

So excited!!

OK, now i have to go back and read all of the posts i missed

 

[BrcsDisneyPrncs]

Lisa.....



You are a strong woman..... I'm so glad you are able to start opening yourself up!

 

[lisaviolet]

I GOT IN! I GOT IN GOT IN GOT IN!

So excited!!

OK, now i have to go back and read all of the posts i missed

Oh boy!!!!!

How flippin' exciting!!!

Outstanding Stacey. Outstanding. Congratulations.

 

[lisaviolet]

Thanks for your thoughts Stacey......

 

[lisaviolet]

But when you know it, you can fix it. That's the best part.

Thank God we get to start again, and again, and we get to change. Thank God we get to change.

Amen. Yes, amen.

And the most wonderful thing is I never ever thought I could get HERE.

I thought all the thoughts, ways of being just were. Just me. It's like a total disconnection of what was me and what was abuse driven. And then as you say when you know it....when you realize it. All those years of thinking this place was a pipedream.

 

[lisaviolet]

Stacey - I would love to hear more about your Masters. It is your masters, right?

Lisa

 

[BrcsDisneyPrncs]

Stacey - I would love to hear more about your Masters. It is your masters, right?

Lisa

Yes lisa - my masters

It's the MS HRM (human resource management) program at Nazareth here in Rochester. I'm pretty excited about it - can you tell?

 

[3DisneyKids]

OMG, just a drive by to say that I have read everything and want to comment to everyone. And I will later tonight. Yes, I will be online on a Sunday night which NEVER happens.

But the one person I must respond to now is LISA.

GODDESS CROWN for you. And I mean this in the truest sense. Sure, goddess crowns have been a fun little thing that we do on this thread, but what you have done TRULY epitomizes the ideal of the goddess within all women. This is about the Power of the Sisterhood.

You have looked inside yourself. Faced demons. Accepted them and been able to move on. You have grown and are continuing to grow, You are such a strong, amazing, and positive woman. I am so proud of you for this breakthrough. Goddess, totally.

Everyone else...I will be back and respond. I am just taking a break from PACKING for my trip to DISNEY which is like 36 HOURS away!

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

Hi guys. Thought I should surface. Nothing exciting going on. We are carving pumpkins. Although Mad has a fierce pain in her stomach, so I'm on hyper alert.

Check in later. Maybe. I have LOTs of shows on tonight. Amazing Race, Desprate Housewives and Life in the Fab Lane

 

[SeptemberGirl]

Stacy - congrats to you! How exciting. So many good changes for you! YEAH!!!

Erika - WORD. Esp on the Sisterhood part. and now, go pack would you? OMG, it just hit me you are going away for AGES. I'm going to have withdrawl. Why didn't you keep that iPhone???

Lyz - Oh, the TV. LOVE it. Going to go eat dinner and SCRAPBOOK now. Hope Maddie is okay.

 

[goofyfan-12]

Hi all....

First off... Lisa - I am so proud of you.... I am sending huge hugs your way... This board is such a wonderful place and I am thrilled that you are here to experience it....

Stacey - Congrats on the grad program.... when do you start????

Erika - go pack something... you have a trip coming up fast....

Liz - love the fact that you are posting again... didn't know you were a scrapbooker... we should talk...

Lyz - have fun with your TV shows... I'll be watching Mad Men and Brothers and Sisters tonight...

Steph - how was the party???

OK - so I went and tried on the Carhartt and yuck.... didn't like it on me at all.... so I am going to need to find something else.... thankfully, the deep freeze hasn't hit yet and I have some time to hunt for something.... personally, I am blaming you all for putting the idea of buying a cute coat into my head.... you poisoned me...

Anyways - I am off to clean my room and make some room for exercising. For those who don't know I share a house with my parents. For six months out of the year, they live at their camp and the house is mine... for the other six months, I have housemates so my exercise routine is all sorts of off since they came home. I need to create a space for my workouts so I will do them... That is my goal for tonight...

Hope all is well with everyone...

Paula

 

[HockeyKat]

I'm here... lately been taking a break from the computer on weekends. Friday was D's bday and then yesterday I bonded with the chaise lounge and a new book.

then to the mall to return the iPhone (HATED it! Yes, I realize that I am like the only person on the planet)

I don't like the iPhone either. Love my PocketPC. I finally caved and got the latest version, on ebay. The newest one isn't out yet and won't be under $500 for another year, so this will do for now. 3G, here I come!!

I went to buy new pj's yesterday and I got mediums and they FIT. A MEDIUM. Size 8-10. No kidding. This is like super HOMG to me.

Kat - get your sweet talking a$$ back on here. ASAP. No excuse.

And on the "get back to where you once belonged" theme, we need to talk tracking and exercise. Because I need to get fit and lean and look smoking hot. Ten 10lbs to lose is 10lbs, but I need my a$$ back in fitness mode. And I want to know what Kat is eating, and how far Lyz is walking, and the details of Nancy's rides and Lisa's videos, and how Paula did Friday night on JC food and it is totally unacceptable that we did not know about this tri. TOTALLY.

WOOT! on the pjs.

I'm here, I'm here. Sorry.

And as to what I am eating, well, you don't want to know. Still can't seem to crawl back on the wagon. I am probably well over 20 lbs up now from my lowest. I suck.

Lisa - you are so freaking amazing. There are twenty more things I want to say about this post, but I feel like I should just say that and let it be, let it sink in and be true.

You are so freaking amazing.

I am so proud of you.


xoxo

What she said. Lisa, you are incredible. Truly.

Yes Kat! Get back on. I had this nagging feeling like something was missing here. Some kind of dynamic really really missing. Kat? Hope you're having fun.

Thanks! I am sorry to have been out of it lately, but yet glad to be missed, strange, I know. Yeah, no insecurities here either.

YES. Like one day I was working, and then one day I wasn't. Never in top condition, but I could go on. Until I couldn't. And I had to find my way back.

But when you know it, you can fix it. That's the best part.

Thank God we get to start again, and again, and we get to change. Thank God we get to change.

OMG do I get this one. Broken. So true, and on so many fronts. I was/am like a square (or maybe a cube?) of broken. I have fixed one side now (job), been working a LOT on 2nd lately (friends), need to get back on fixing the 3rd (weight), and y'all know my plans for the 4th.

Yes lisa - my masters

It's the MS HRM (human resource management) program at Nazareth here in Rochester. I'm pretty excited about it - can you tell?

SOOO happy for you!!


Okay, off to the hot tub. I promise I will check in more this week, and will start posting food tomorrow, mm-kay?

Love you guys!!